Fate unwanted yet taking me by the hand
I'm not really sure why today hit me like it did. Lost. That pretty much sums it all up. Once again I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. When did life get so screwed up? I used to have it all figured out...now not so much. I'm not sure how to even begin getting back on track. I keep thinking I know exactly what I want, yet when its here I keep having doubts. Something doesn't feel right deep down. I'm sure I am settling, but for what? Maybe I have just gotten to a point where I've realized there isn't anything better, or at least not for me. Some people aren't meant to have happy endings. This is the real world. Life is complicated, life is scary. Second chances come few and far between. Sometimes as much as you might wish it so, its still never going to happen. Love. Isn't that what it is all about? I know that's all I've ever wanted. To be loved. To be seen. To be understood. Not happening. I'm envious of others around me. Jealous of the happiness they are finding. The exploration of something new, of possibilities. I want that. I want to feel loved. Love. It always comes back to love. How can one word make or break you in one instant. I want to know that I am the reason someone breathes. That I'm the reason why they go on. The one who they can not live with out. When I'm not near, I'm constantly on their thoughts. I'm all they think about. Will this happen? No. I'm not naive. I'm not a stupid little girl. I understand how the big person real world works. There are no happy endings, at least not for some. Some people are just meant to be alone. Meant to spend there entire existence searching for something that isn't real, that really never existed. Melodramatic so be it. Wouldn't it be nice to just disappear? What I wouldn't give to just start completely over. To know that I would be getting a happy ending. That there is a reason to keep going. You are never going to please everyone. That is one thing I know for sure. The sad thing is you may never be able to please yourself either.