(no subject)
i want to say im sorry to everyone that i have been a bitch to in the last 48 hours or so. i have been stressed out over something that doesn't have to do with any of you and its not fair, danny joe. im sorry i freaked out on you about the text you sent it wasn't very nice you didn't know i was sleeping when you sent it, ryan im sorry i went all crazy bitch on you last night on yim its not your job to baby sit me. and mostly andy im sorry i was snappy at you i wasn't bad at you about the dvd burner i was mad at myself, my dad made himself broke to get that for me last december and i have yet to use it, i felt like a horrible person because of it and when it didn't work i got upset by it. it wasn't right for me to snap at you like that and im sorry again. i know the damage is already don't and you have already chosen not to talk to me there is nothing more i can do but say sorry again.
now for the rant about what has really been bothering me and leading to me acting like this
my family, this isn't the everyday my mom is crazy and my family is all kinds of waked rant this is one of a whole new color.
my mom is sick, very sick, she isn't going to show it or let anyone know just how bad it is but i know her and i know its hurting her to carry on the way she does, her daily work is to physical for how sick she is but her and my father cant afford for her not to work, plus like me she would go crazy if she wasn't working. this as you all know isn't really to new, whats bugging me is that when i lived at home i had to watch her be sick i thought seeing my mom like that was the hardest thing i would ever have to do, watching the strongest woman i knew the woman who gave me my work ethic slowly work herself to death, watching her become sicker every day. i thought that was going to kill me. but now i know i was wrong, i didn't just move out i moved away her to vancouver and i never see her and with the hours i work and go to school i hardly ever talk to her. feeling like i just ran away and left her there hurts me all the time, she is always in my mind i just keep thinking that if i still lived at home i could work and help out so she wouldn't have to work as hard and i could work around the house so she wouldn't have to. i keep trying to tell myself that its not my job and i shouldn't feel bad but i cant help but feel like a horrible person that has just abandoned my mother when i should be there for her like she was always there for me. i go weeks without talking to her and i keep thinking to myself that something bad is going to happen and i have no way of knowing if the last time i saw her will really be the last time i see her.
part 2
my brother is drinking himself to his grave. i knew he wouldn't quit drinking, i let everyone know it and often, a part of it feels it was my inability to believe in him that helped him right back into this lifestyle. i worry about him so much, i know he wants so badly to be the child my mother wanted him to be, he wishes he could make up for all the fuck ups in the past but he knows he cant so he feels all this guilt and he drowns it out with booze. i know what your saying "thats not your fault niki" but a part of it is, when i was younger i didn't understand what it was like to feel guilt for a chosen fuckup that you cant change, and i took every thing i ever did, everything that i did that he couldn't everything i achieved and he failed every way i was better, i took it all and i put it in his face i reminded him every chance i had that i was doing good in school and he dropped out, that i was a good person and him going no were with his life. i reminded him always of his fuck-ups and my success all the while i was doing everything i made fun of him for screwing up. i was doing drugs bad bad drugs and i was drinking all the time, i was going to parties and acting like a tramp. i drove him to a bad place with guilt i had no right to hand out. and now i have to just sit back and watch him fall because after everything i have done he sees any helpful or worried words i have as just another spout of "your a fuck up" i help it against him, showing up drunk to my graduation, but i wonder if we hadn't made such a fuss about it, if i hadn't boasted that i was doing the one thing he hadn't and how easy it was for me at that. is it possible he could have been happy for me. as im sure you have noticed if you are even still reading this, this is not at all about my brother drinking again, its about me and my realization of how i treat him, no recognition for all the amazing things he has done for me all the times he was a big brother for me, all the times he went out of his way for me, i still treated and treat him like shit. these are words that are hard to say, i find myself starting to tear up just typing them. but if i don't rant about it here i wont let it out at all and then i will continue to take my guilt and my pain out of other people which even more so isn't fair.
thank you for reading or skimming or just not caring and letting me get all this out. and again danny goe ryan and above all andy i am verry sorry this was not your problem and i shouldn't have taken it out on you.
--niks--
now for the rant about what has really been bothering me and leading to me acting like this
my family, this isn't the everyday my mom is crazy and my family is all kinds of waked rant this is one of a whole new color.
my mom is sick, very sick, she isn't going to show it or let anyone know just how bad it is but i know her and i know its hurting her to carry on the way she does, her daily work is to physical for how sick she is but her and my father cant afford for her not to work, plus like me she would go crazy if she wasn't working. this as you all know isn't really to new, whats bugging me is that when i lived at home i had to watch her be sick i thought seeing my mom like that was the hardest thing i would ever have to do, watching the strongest woman i knew the woman who gave me my work ethic slowly work herself to death, watching her become sicker every day. i thought that was going to kill me. but now i know i was wrong, i didn't just move out i moved away her to vancouver and i never see her and with the hours i work and go to school i hardly ever talk to her. feeling like i just ran away and left her there hurts me all the time, she is always in my mind i just keep thinking that if i still lived at home i could work and help out so she wouldn't have to work as hard and i could work around the house so she wouldn't have to. i keep trying to tell myself that its not my job and i shouldn't feel bad but i cant help but feel like a horrible person that has just abandoned my mother when i should be there for her like she was always there for me. i go weeks without talking to her and i keep thinking to myself that something bad is going to happen and i have no way of knowing if the last time i saw her will really be the last time i see her.
part 2
my brother is drinking himself to his grave. i knew he wouldn't quit drinking, i let everyone know it and often, a part of it feels it was my inability to believe in him that helped him right back into this lifestyle. i worry about him so much, i know he wants so badly to be the child my mother wanted him to be, he wishes he could make up for all the fuck ups in the past but he knows he cant so he feels all this guilt and he drowns it out with booze. i know what your saying "thats not your fault niki" but a part of it is, when i was younger i didn't understand what it was like to feel guilt for a chosen fuckup that you cant change, and i took every thing i ever did, everything that i did that he couldn't everything i achieved and he failed every way i was better, i took it all and i put it in his face i reminded him every chance i had that i was doing good in school and he dropped out, that i was a good person and him going no were with his life. i reminded him always of his fuck-ups and my success all the while i was doing everything i made fun of him for screwing up. i was doing drugs bad bad drugs and i was drinking all the time, i was going to parties and acting like a tramp. i drove him to a bad place with guilt i had no right to hand out. and now i have to just sit back and watch him fall because after everything i have done he sees any helpful or worried words i have as just another spout of "your a fuck up" i help it against him, showing up drunk to my graduation, but i wonder if we hadn't made such a fuss about it, if i hadn't boasted that i was doing the one thing he hadn't and how easy it was for me at that. is it possible he could have been happy for me. as im sure you have noticed if you are even still reading this, this is not at all about my brother drinking again, its about me and my realization of how i treat him, no recognition for all the amazing things he has done for me all the times he was a big brother for me, all the times he went out of his way for me, i still treated and treat him like shit. these are words that are hard to say, i find myself starting to tear up just typing them. but if i don't rant about it here i wont let it out at all and then i will continue to take my guilt and my pain out of other people which even more so isn't fair.
thank you for reading or skimming or just not caring and letting me get all this out. and again danny goe ryan and above all andy i am verry sorry this was not your problem and i shouldn't have taken it out on you.
--niks--