(no subject)
i feel like a fucking fool.
i spit out this big fucking rant about how much all this shit that is going on sucks and how much i hate that my mother is sick but i don't see what is right in front of me, the past few days have been spent in the hospital, my dad who until sunday was just fine is as im typing in having a quad bypass. and there is nothing i can do to help. im not sad im not upset im just so fucking mad and there is no real reason for me to be this mad. i should be upset or something, i just wish i felt soemthing, something other then anger, im mad at myself for ditching out when i should have been there im mad at him for knowing something was wrong and not doing anything about it for 4 fucking months im mad at so many things but i know im not really mad i am just pushing all this negative energy at anything i can. i want to hate but i know its not right i want to scream i want to fight. i want someone to hit me right now.
waiting waiting waiting, its always fucking waiting and i am so sick of all this waiting, wait for tests wait for the docter wait for you sould your hopes your dreams you hero to be returned to you, in this day i am empty, i don't i don't know what i am, a shell of a girl, i finally made myself eat, i slept an hour or so. i feel like none of this is real i don't want it to be real, i dreamed this before and it didn't end well i don't want this to be like that.
some of you know about whats been going on some of you i have been talking to, i you arent one of the people i have been talking to don't get upset with me about it and don't try and fucking call me about it i don't want to talk to you about it for one reason or another. maybe i don't want your pitty, i fucking hate pitty. i don't care about how mad any of you get with me, i don't care about any of it.
i have to call my school and tell them im not going to be there, i have to call work and tell them the same. i have to put everything on hold and really im ok with that for the first time ever im ok with putting everything else aside.
my whole life everytime something happend that i didn't like i would just smuther myself with my life and pretend everything was ok, but not this time, that kind of life was what got my father here and im not going to do the same.
for all of you to know im angry im pissed and what anyone has to say about it isn't any care of mine.
--niks--
"so it goes"
i spit out this big fucking rant about how much all this shit that is going on sucks and how much i hate that my mother is sick but i don't see what is right in front of me, the past few days have been spent in the hospital, my dad who until sunday was just fine is as im typing in having a quad bypass. and there is nothing i can do to help. im not sad im not upset im just so fucking mad and there is no real reason for me to be this mad. i should be upset or something, i just wish i felt soemthing, something other then anger, im mad at myself for ditching out when i should have been there im mad at him for knowing something was wrong and not doing anything about it for 4 fucking months im mad at so many things but i know im not really mad i am just pushing all this negative energy at anything i can. i want to hate but i know its not right i want to scream i want to fight. i want someone to hit me right now.
waiting waiting waiting, its always fucking waiting and i am so sick of all this waiting, wait for tests wait for the docter wait for you sould your hopes your dreams you hero to be returned to you, in this day i am empty, i don't i don't know what i am, a shell of a girl, i finally made myself eat, i slept an hour or so. i feel like none of this is real i don't want it to be real, i dreamed this before and it didn't end well i don't want this to be like that.
some of you know about whats been going on some of you i have been talking to, i you arent one of the people i have been talking to don't get upset with me about it and don't try and fucking call me about it i don't want to talk to you about it for one reason or another. maybe i don't want your pitty, i fucking hate pitty. i don't care about how mad any of you get with me, i don't care about any of it.
i have to call my school and tell them im not going to be there, i have to call work and tell them the same. i have to put everything on hold and really im ok with that for the first time ever im ok with putting everything else aside.
my whole life everytime something happend that i didn't like i would just smuther myself with my life and pretend everything was ok, but not this time, that kind of life was what got my father here and im not going to do the same.
for all of you to know im angry im pissed and what anyone has to say about it isn't any care of mine.
--niks--
"so it goes"