Me, minus 10 years
I recently went back to my childhood home and spent an afternoon nose deep inside of a Mr. Coffee box I found in the garage. This was no ordinary coffee maker box- this box was a time capsule to my life from ages 10-15. Before he left my mother.
I spent a rainy afternoon reading through journals I had written as early as 10 years old. Writing, apparently is something I've always loved to do. Spending the afternoon with little me was enchanting, healing and eye opening. I was able to read my words and realize when my traumas started happening. I can piece together the patterns of the lessons of my life and what I am still not learning.
I wanted to share an entry from when I was leaving my narcissistic long term boyfriend. (A bit of backstory, this relationship was so hard for me to leave because I raised his son for 4 years and was his primary caregiver) I was 24 when I wrote this:
10/14/13
"Last night's dreams involved him breaking up with me again or finding someone new and not wanting me anymore. Going for days with no phone call and every time I realize it in the dream my heart broke more. I felt like he just did not care.
A feeling that is pretty similar in waking life. Like the other night at dinner, when I brough up just asking his dad for the weed whacker for the yard he straight up told me
'other things are more important'
Instead of simply saying he forgot. Those words HURT. It's like he's saying I'm not important.
Other things are more important, meaning the few things that are important to ME do not matter. What's important to him matters, but I feel like he just doesn't care when it comes to MY life and MY feelings.
Like my loss of pet group, for example. It was something I was looking forward to for so long and he didn't even ask me about it. I tried to tell him all about it when I got home and he did not have the time to listen, he was in the middle of a game on his phone. Sometimes I wish he would just sit and listen to MY life for a few minutes.
I feel so lonely. When I go do things I wish he was there with me. But he has made it clear that he won't do ANYTHING that he does not want to. Taking the dogs for a walk is like getting a root canal.
I just want to be thought of and affirmed. I feel like I am never enough for him.
I want to go to the beach and walk the dogs and hold hands. I just want to feel loved.
I feel empty and lost. I have fallen into a black hole and I am yelling and trying to claw my way back to the top to see the light.
When I look up, I see him, why doesn't he realize that a kind gesture of an outreached arm IS ALL I NEED TO SURVIVE RIGHT NOW.
No words, just a simple ACT of kindness that says YOU ARE LOVED.
Instead, he turns away, leaving me alone once again.
Alone, a feeling I know all too well.
Alone, even when he is right next to me.
Alone, sitting at a table waiting for his eyes to meet mine, but he never looks up from his phone
And when he does look at me, I feel insecure like I might say something that will set him off again
Alone, is that mixed emotion of hearing "I am on my way home" and being terrified of which version of him will walk through the door.
How can you love someone so much that constantly hurts you? "
oh honey...you may be 10 years older than you were when you wrote this...but I hate to tell you, you have found him in another.
If only I could tell you, that you're dealing with incredibly low self esteem that comes from having a narcissistic father. It's not your fault. But you will be dealing with this pattern long term unless you understand and enforce boundaries around yourself. We are still waiting.