Fic: Inside Out, Giles/Xander, R (FRM)
Title: Inside Out (4 of 6)
Author: lostgirlslair
Fandom: BtVS
Pairing: Giles/Xander
Rating: R (FRM)
For full header, see Part One. Previous parts here.
The knocking at the door woke Giles from a dream. He thought it was a good dream, but as he was ripped out of it so impolitely, he couldn't quite remember the details. Probably for the best as what he did remember included Xander and a beach.
Bleary eyed, he looked at the alarm clock. He must have turned the alarm off and gone back to sleep. After that, he was quick to rise, picking up his bathrobe and throwing it on as he stumbled down the steps, mostly on autopilot. It wasn't until he reached the bottom step that he realized it might be Xander. Xander, with a box of donuts and that ridiculous, nervous grin. He paused, swallowing hard, and then went to answer the door. It wasn't as if he could just pretend he wasn't home.
The week had past in a sort of limbo and Giles wasn't the only cause. He and Xander had been avoiding one another. Giles had to work hard at not being in the same place, never being alone, and he felt bereft. Still, he knew it was for the best and reminded himself of that fact every time he had to hastily leave the room with a false smile and a bad excuse. But if this was Xander, appearing at his door, what was he supposed to do? Tell him to go away? Refuse to have breakfast with him?
Part of him was glad to see Xander only at the Magic Box, where Anya, and usually others, were always nearby. The larger part of him, a part he refused to acknowledge, was disappointed. He'd liked having Xander all to himself. It was stupid, and dangerous, but he missed it. Giles stopped with his hand midway to the door, momentarily dizzy. He and Xander had only had breakfast twice. Yes, he had enjoyed it, but there wasn't much to miss, and yet . . .
Another knock pulled him from his thoughts. Giles blinked and shook his head. He opened the door to find Willow, bright and smiling.
"Hey, Giles!" She was smiling, but it seemed nervous. She'd been giving him odd looks all week and Giles thought she'd guessed that he was avoiding Xander, that he and Xander were avoiding one another.
"Hello. I was just, uh, I must have overslept." Giles pulled his robe tighter and stood aside. Why did Willow's walk even have to be cheerful? Giles shook his head at himself. "What can I do for you?"
"I brought that stuff for your guys' trip this weekend. Could you help me get it all in the door?"
"Of course," he said, grabbing the two bags she'd brought and then setting them down inside.
The moment he felt her small hand on his wrist, Giles knew what was coming. Well, not exactly, but he knew it was going to be about Xander. He did his best to school his expression into something approaching neutrality as he turned back to her, an eyebrow raised in question.
"Giles, I . . . Okay, I don't want to step on toes, or egos, or any other man parts." Her eyes widened as she realized what she'd said, and blushed hot enough to scorch. "I didn't mean that, not-not the way it sounded. I just meant that guys are different and I--Oh, boy."
And, as much as Giles wanted to get out of this conversation, he couldn't leave Willow standing there embarrassed. He sighed and nodded. "I know what you mean, although I'm not terribly hopeful about where this conversation is probably heading."
Willow's blushed faded only a little. She shifted her weight, looking up at Giles in a way that recalled how she'd looked when he'd first met her and she actually had enough hair to hide her face.
"It's just . . . Okay, I'm not going to be specific, because I know that's just a load of bad waiting to happen, but I want you to know that . . . That no matter how things go. I've . . . I've got your back."
Giles blinked. "Er, perhaps you could be just a tad more specific?" He had thought that she'd been talking about his attraction to Xander, but even as he mentally reviewed what she'd said, he couldn't fit it into the situation.
She blinked right back at him, her mouth gapping open. "Uh, well . . . You know, things. Things that are things that might not be things, but might be things, if you know . . . things." She seemed to realize the mess she'd made of that, since her blush rose on her face, turning it a truer red than her hair.
"Right," Giles said, feeling his forehead furrow. "Things, obviously." He was torn as to whether he should back out slowly, or just run. Either way, he was ending the conversation, before Willow decided to be blunt. Giles didn't think he could take that, just then. With a hand on her shoulder, he gently stirred Willow to the door. "Uh, I understand, Willow. Thank you."
She turned on the threshold, giving him a small smile. "Okay, I'm going, Mr. Silent-Type, but . . . I'm here."
Giles opened his mouth and then shut it, nodding. "I know. Thank you." He meant it that time and Willow's smile brightened before she left.
------
Giles knew, for certain, that 'hell' was woefully inadequate when Xander and Anya appeared bright and early Saturday morning. Though he'd known that they would be coming, he hadn't expected them quite so early. He was dressed, at least, which was a nice change from the week he'd been having.
Xander had donuts. Giles wanted to break something that would make a lot of noise.
The drive was interminable. He had taken the backseat, despite the fact that he was quite a bit taller than Anya. He was cramped and tired, but the worst part was that Xander and Anya were arguing. Not about anything specific, as far as he could tell. Given that he was mentally reciting the chords of every song he could play just to drown it out, he couldn't tell much. Fortunately, it subsided before they were halfway there. Whatever the outcome, Anya tried to put on a happy face. Her bright, cheerful voice filled the car for most of the second half of the trip.
Giles groaned when it was time to unfold himself from the back of the car. The camp was an old summer camp. It had been closed a decade ago when a camp councilor had been torn to shreds. Apparently, the combination of 'summer camp' and 'dead body' was too much for the parents and the place had closed down, despite the face that it had been a freak accident with a hungry bear and not a serial killer. He supposed he wouldn't have sent his children to summer camp with hunger bears, either.
All the cabins were occupied, so they would have to actually camp, which Giles didn't really object to. Of course, he didn't usually go camping with only a sleeping bag, a small tent, and the bare necessities.
"Where is everybody?" Xander asked, glancing around as if he expected people to jump out of the common building.
"They'll be along," Giles said. "We're a little early and this part of the camp is mostly for visitors."
"You've been here before?" Anya asked. She and Xander were putting up their tent, though it was more that Xander was doing it while Anya handed him things.
"Yes, a few years ago." Giles finished putting up his own tent, trying not to let Xander's obvious nervousness infect him. "It's all right, Xander. They're not dangerous, and they certainly aren't going to hurt anyone."
Xander stopped, nodding and giving him a small smile. "Thanks. I got it." He still seemed nervous, but at least he wasn't casting glances over his shoulder every few minutes.
Anya tried to be supportive, Giles could tell. She kept awkwardly patting Xander's shoulder, and smiling whenever he looked up at her. Giles turned away and headed for the common building, where he might just find some tea. The building was small and split into three areas: a kitchen, a living room like area, and then the laundry area. There were bathrooms and showers around the other side of the building.
What there wasn't, was tea. Giles sighed, setting his hands against the edge of the counter and leaning his weight onto his forearms. With his eyes closed, he reminded himself why he was there. Xander needed him to be there, needed him to make this easier. Resolving to take things in their stride, he poured himself some water and went back outside.
The camp's owners, Steven and Exelpheus--who regarded himself as half-human--had come down to meet them. Anya was chatting with them while Xander shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Exelpheus looked entirely human, but Steven did have skin the color of mustard and hair redder than any human could--naturally--manage. They were twins.
"The ritual itself doesn't take long," Exelpheus was saying. "We'll be set up for it later tonight. You could leave tomorrow, if you wanted, but we also have an extensive library of texts on demon-human hybrids and you're more than welcome to stay and look through it."
"Thank you," Giles said in the pause that followed. Xander had tried to say it himself, but he didn't seem able to get the words out. Both Steven and Exelpheus turned, nodding a welcome. "And thank you for allowing us to come up here."
"You're quite welcome," Steven said as he and Giles shook hands. "It's always been part of our objective to help young people like Xander." Steven gave Xander a smile that was meant to be reassuring, but Giles wasn't sure Xander could get past all the teeth long enough to see it that way.
"And it's been lovely meeting Anyanka, as well," Exelpheus put in, his smile just as toothy but for entirely different reasons.
Xander started to bristle, Giles could see him standing straighter, opening his mouth to speak. Luckily, Anya hadn't noticed and jumped in before Xander could say anything. "It's so nice to know my reputation still stands," she said brightly. "I like to think I did some good work, over the years. Isn't that nice, Xander?" She turned her smile on him and Xander nodded mutely, his shoulders a little hunched.
"Well," Exelpheus said, "we'll let you get settled in. Everyone's up by the cabins if you'd like to socialize a little."
With a nod to Giles, both of them set off along the track that led into the woods and up the hill a little. Xander glowered at the backs of the retreating half-demons, but Anya's cheer seemed less feigned.
"I'm going to make us all lunch," she said, smiling as if her teeth was painful when her lips touched her teeth.
Xander and Giles shared a look that Anya, fortunately, did not see. "We brought picnic type stuff," Xander said. Hoping his relief wasn't too obvious--Anya cooked well enough, but he'd heard about her penchant for experimentation--Giles helped Anya get everything in to the common building. She chatted enough that he didn't have to say much of anything, all the better considering he had no idea what to say to her.
Just being in her vicinity made his guilt flare. But what could he do? She deserved to know, but she didn't deserve to hear it from him. Xander needed to tell her, should be the one to tell her, especially if Xander wanted their relationship to remain intact.
Of course, Giles didn't know what Xander wanted, if he did, things would have been at least a little easier. He hadn't been paying much attention to what Anya was saying and his sigh must have caught her attention.
"It's true," she said, the words snapping Giles back to himself. "It wasn't my best curse ever, but I think he deserved it." She was putting the perishables into the refrigerator, her tone so earnest that Giles was curious as to what he'd missed.
"I'm sure," Giles mumbled, lifting the last cooler up onto the table. It was heavy enough that he had to wonder what they'd put in it. The blood rushed to his head as he stood and Giles felt momentarily dizzy. He blinked, the world a little hazy around the edges, and then pulled his glasses off to give them a good cleaning. "I'm going to help Xander with the tent," he said, his guilt and worry pushing him to say more. "If any of the other residents come down it's probably best if someone's there to introduce them."
Anya glanced over at him, but the look was over before Giles could decipher it. "All right. Lunch shouldn't take long." Her voice was back to cheerfully bright and Giles had to wonder if the tone was forced.
He opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but with no idea what to say. Instead, he turned and went to help Xander. She isn't an imbecile, Giles' mental voice was saying. She has to know that something's going on, even if she doesn't know what. Giles sighed again, pausing outside the door and closing his eyes against the bright sunshine, collecting himself.
Xander had gotten the tent up by the time he arrived, and was busy laying out his and Anya's sleeping bags inside. Giles knelt down at the entrance, watching Xander for a long moment.
Xander looked up at him and gave a wavering smile. "Anybody else to meet out there?" Giles got the impression that that played a rather large role in whether or not Xander had finished with the sleeping bags.
"No. We're alone. Xander . . ." Giles faltered to a stop. He didn't know what to say, but he couldn't stay quiet any longer. "Xander have you told Anya about . . . Uh, the . . . the kiss?"
"What?" Xander's head shut up, his eyes as round as golf balls. "Did she say something? Oh, God, she said something." He tried to stand, but the tent was a bit to small for that and--after a complicated series of events--Xander wound up tangled in a sleeping bag and staring up at the tent ceiling from his place on the ground. "Shit," he said with feeling, and then, "Shit, shit, shit, shit."
"She didn't say anything," Giles said. "I assume you didn't tell her, then?"
Xander's head turned toward him slowly. "Should I?" There was something in the tone that made Giles' chest tighten a little. So many ways to interrupt two words, but Giles had no idea which one was correct.
"Xander, she deserves to know that we . . . I mean, it's not as if . . ." He sighed, shrugging and sitting in the damp grass. He couldn't bring himself to look up at Xander. "If you want your relationship with Anya to-to last, then . . . Yes, you should tell her. You shouldn't keep something this important a secret."
He risked a quick glance up only to find that Xander had gone back to studying the tent ceiling. "Yeah," was all he said, but it had a tone of finality to it, and Giles suddenly needed very much to be somewhere else. Almost anywhere.
"I'm going to take a shower," he said, leaving without allowing himself to look at Xander.
--Xander--
Anya dragged him up to meet the other half-demons who lived at the camp. She seemed to think it would be good for him, though Xander didn't get why. Giles hadn't come along, which wasn't a surprise, really. Xander was sure Giles was avoiding him.
You should be used to it, said a bitter voice in his head. He's been avoiding you all week.
Yeah, said another voice, less bitter and more tired. But you've been avoiding him, too.
Xander shook his head, hoping that voices in his head weren't the first step toward growing horns, or sprouting spikes. He'd been looking through the books Giles had given him pretty much every chance he got, which wasn't all that great a thing. Now that he knew what could happen--however, unlikely--he kept checking himself over to make sure it hadn't.
Anya tugged him up the path and Xander went. The ritual wouldn't be for another hour and Xander really would have rather stayed down by their own tents so that he could freak out in peace. Anya wanted to go, though, which would have been fine, except that she wanted him to come with her. And he'd said he would, because looking up at that smiling face, he couldn't say 'no,' not now.
The cabins were lit, so it wasn't hard to find the place, even with the sun starting to set. Xander had no idea what to expect . . . Well, no, that wasn't true. After the books Giles had given him, his imagination was working overtime. "Anya, I'm not sure this is a good idea. I mean, I'm just kinda--"
"Relax, Xander," Anya said, "We're almost there."
"Yeah, but . . . Maybe we shouldn't have left Giles back at the camp all by himself. I know he said it was fine, but . . ." Xander thought he saw Anya's face scrunch up in annoyance, but when she turned to him there was just an overly bright smile.
"Stop worrying. He'll come up, if he wants to. This will be good for you." Her smile dimmed, but only because it wasn't so forced anymore. "I just want to help you, and meeting other people who are like you . . . Won't that help?"
Xander sighed and nodded weakly. He wanted to run for the camp, but this seemed important to Anya. "All right," he said, tossing his hands up in a jerky, nervous gesture of resignation.
"You must be Xander and Anyanka!" said a voice from their left. They both turned to find a woman standing a little away. It looked as if she were coming from one of the brightly lit cabins.
"Uh, yeah," Xander said, nodding too quickly. She was small, Buffy-sized, but the horns gave her at least another half a foot. Xander swallowed hard. "We're, uh, visiting."
"Yeah, I heard!" She grinned at them and then leaned forward a little. "We don't get many visitors. If you want, you can come and meet the others. We're just hanging around and being goofy, but you're more than welcome to join us!"
She was far, far too cheerful. Xander wanted to run. Not from her, or her horns, which Xander had to work not to stare at--What if I grow horns? Will I have to move out here?--but from what she represented. He didn't want to do this, didn't want to be this. He wanted everything to be normal again. Unfortunately, Anya apparently wanted to go. She hooked her arm in his and pulled him along.
It wasn't as bad as Xander thought it would be. The half-demons were . . . really nice, actually. They seemed excited to have a visitor and they didn't push Xander with many questions. Well, most of them didn't. One, a tall, entirely bald woman named Selly kept asking him questions, especially if Anya took her eye off of him for a minute.
She cornered him, at one point. Xander, sweating and yet wearing a frozen smile, nodded as she told him all about her hobby of collecting rare crystals. Xander didn't think most of them were from this dimension. He always thought half what Selly said was some kind of innuendo he wasn't getting. Which was probably a good thing. Anya slid up next to him and, for the first time that night, he was relieved when she slid her arm into his.
"Oh, I've been to Markis," Anya said, her smile just a little brittle. "It's a lovely place. Well, if you like entrails."
Selly blinked at Anya and then smiled again, and it was even more brittle than Anya's. "Oh, you must be Anya. It's so nice to meet you." The way she drew out the word 'so' made it sound more like 'diediedie.' Xander swallowed hard. She turned her eyes back to Xander.
"So, you were raised here? Your mom was the one, then?" Selly smiled at him, politely waiting for an answer, but Xander just stared.
He should have thought about it before now. Why hadn't he thought about that before now? Shouldn't it have been his first thought? For him to be . . . His mother had to have . . . Well, okay, so that wasn't much different than now, but he wouldn't ever have thought she could . . . The revelation sent all the blood to Xander's head, making him feel dizzy.
"Oh, you've got white," Selly said, though she sounded more put out than worried.
"Xander? Are you okay?" Anya asked, squeezing his arm.
Xander blinked and then looked at Anya. "Yeah, yeah. I just . . . I hadn't thought about . . . My parents."
"But that's good news," Anya said, her face a little scrunched as if she didn't understand. "Isn't it? I mean, you always say you wish he wasn't your father and . . . He's not!" Anya said it like 'surprise' at a birthday party and Xander gave her a weak smile.
After that, everything just seemed to go on around him. Anya got rid of Selly, though Xander wasn't entirely sure how. All he could think was that his father wasn't his father and his mother . . . Well, he didn't really know her as well as he'd thought, either, did he? Why hadn't he thought about that? It bugged him, and kept bugging him. He couldn't get it off his mind.
"Xander?" Blinking, Xander found himself looking into Giles' slightly worried face. Xander's gut tightened.
"Huh?" Xander shook his head and sighed. "Oh, Giles, I'm . . . It's good that you came up here."
Giles nodded, but he wasn't really meeting Xander's eyes. It hurt, like something sharp in his stomach. Xander bit the inside of his lip, trying to keep himself together. "How are you? You looked . . . deep in thought."
Giles moved to stand next to him--easier to not look at me--and leaned back against the wall. They were on the front porch of the biggest cabin, where all the residents seemed to gather. There were people all around, many of them listening with interest as Anya told some story or another.
"I don't know. Just so much to . . . think about." Xander glanced over and found Giles doing the same. He wasn't sure why he jerked his head, why he turned it forward so quickly, except that it felt somehow wrong to be stealing side looks at Giles. The weird thing was that if felt wrong because it didn't feel wrong. He knew it should, and so he felt guilty, but it didn't, not deep down. Anya was just a few feet away, but it might as well have been miles and if felt right to be standing there with Giles, to be stealing looks and talking . . . Xander felt a wave of dizziness and leaned harder on the wall behind him.
"Xander?" Giles' voice was worried again. Xander straightened, shaking himself a little, and turned to look at Giles.
"I just . . . I'm tired," Xander said, waving away the hand Giles had reached out toward him. Giles nodded, his hand dropping to his side with a speed usually only found in jet fighters. "Things still feel . . ." Xander shrugged, looking down at the drink in his hand. He didn't remember how he'd gotten it. "Giles, I'm sorry," he finally managed.
Giles shook his head, his voice low and soothing. "Whatever for?"
"For making you come this weekend. I know you didn't want to, and I . . . I just thought that if . . . I don't know. I'm just sorry." Xander sneaked a look up at Giles and what he saw there made his throat feel even tighter than his chest.
Giles was smiling at him. Not bright or huge, but a good smile, a really nice smile. "There's nothing to apologize for," he said and his voice seemed deep enough to drown in. Xander relaxed a little, feeling a little better. "Xander, I came here to help you. As long as my being here does that . . ." Giles shrugged, still smiling.
Xander smiled back, nodding. "It does. Thanks." He felt as if he should be squirming, should be uncomfortable, but that wasn't the case at all. He felt . . . right, for the first time in a while. Standing there, with Giles looking at him that way, even the air felt softer, more worn.
"Xander, I--"
"All right, the moon's going to rise soon," said a voice, cutting Giles off before he could get out whatever he was going to say.
Xander had to work to get himself to stop looking at Giles. He turned around and saw Steven motioning for everybody to go to the bonfire. It wasn't lit, yet, but it would be soon, Xander knew. Whatever it was, the ritual itself didn't take long and the bonfire was actually for afterwards, a little 'welcome to half-demonhood' party sort of thing.
"Okay," Steven said, grinning at him in the way that made Xander kinda feel like he was two years old. "You and I, and Anya and Giles if you want them to come along, should go and get this done. Exel's done all the prep work and he's ready when you are."
He made it sound like a hair cut. Xander took a deep breath. Anya had already slipped her arm in his and a quick glance at Giles got him a nod. Giles would come with him. "All right," Xander said, his tone making it sound like he was walking to his own funeral.
He followed Steven inside, to the room they'd set up. There was a circle just barely big enough for Xander to sit cross-legged in, and the air smelled thick with some incense Xander couldn't name. There were symbols over most of the floor and a narrow path of un-marked wood that let him walk into the circle. Exelpheus stood in one corner. Despite the fact that he looked worn out, he gave Xander a smile and nod that Xander thought was supposed to be reassuring.
Xander sat down in the circle and looked at Anya and Giles, who both stood in the doorway. They had reassuring looks on their faces, but it was the way Giles ran his eyes over the symbols on the floor, on the walls--and on the ceiling Xander noticed as he followed Giles' gaze--that helped Xander calm down the most. Giles knew about this stuff, right? Spells and demons, okay, half-demons, and that kind of thing?
Xander clung to that thought as Steven started chanting. Xander closed his eyes tight, calling himself an idiot for not asking the all important question: Is this going to hurt?
"Okay," said Steven, "Here's what I got--"
"That's it?" Xander opened his eyes, darting looks all around the room. Everything looked the same, except the markings on the floor and walls and ceiling had disappeared. Xander's eyes found Anya and Giles. Anya looked interested, but Giles was smiling at him.
"That's it," Steven said, smiling. "It's fairly easy, just a peek into another plane to get a really good, close look at your aura. Knowing how to read it is the hardest part." Steven nodded, but he, Giles, and Anya all almost collided in their bids to help him up. Xander stood on his own.
"But . . . But, all those symbols?" He motioned to the floor where they'd once been.
"Just for protection," Exelpheus answered. "It's a little dangerous, for the caster, to just stick his head out there into the hub of . . . Well, a bunch of realities."
Xander wobbled, reaching out a hand to steady himself as he felt dizzy and his stomach did a flip-flop. Someone grabbed his arm, helping him to stay standing, but Xander couldn't open his eyes because of the way the world had spun.
"Careful," said either Steven or Exelpheus, it was hard to tell with his eyes shut. "You may be a little dizzy. Happens sometimes, when you go poking at reality."
"Whoa." Xander swallowed a few times, and then cautiously opened one eye a little. When the world didn't spin he opened them both. Giles had a hold on his arm and Xander nodded a thank you before pulling away.
"Are you all right?" Anya asked. She had a hold on his other arm and her forehead was scrunched up.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," Xander said, letting out the breath he'd been holding. He looked to Steven. "So?"
"Well, it was a little wobbly, but that happens sometimes. It looks as if you're half Grenvan." He nodded, still smiling. He would have made a great camp councilor, you know, if it wasn't for the skin and hair and fangs.
"Grenvan?" Xander didn't know if he'd read about them or not. Mostly, he remembered the things that later went nuts and started pulling people's arms off.
"Harmless," Giles said, catching his eye and smiling. "They inhabit a different plane, most of the time, but occasionally come here for the beer."
"Beer?" Xander blinked, trying to wrap his mind around all of this. Harmless was good. He could live with harmless.
"They have a strange love for the stuff," Giles said with a shrug. "Hops won't grow in lava ash."
"Okay." Xander looked at Anya.
"They're quite nice, actually." Anya smile was bright, but genuine. "I once met one who ran a bar in Finland. Very sweet man."
"Right. So, no . . . horns or . . . anything?" Xander suddenly felt exhausted. He'd been dreading this for a week and now it was over and he just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep.
"Well," Steven said, stretching the word out, "with Grenvan's the only thing you have to worry about is a tail, and if you didn't have that at birth--"
"Skateboard," Xander told Anya, before she could even say anything.
"--than you've got nothing to worry about."
Anya grinned at him and Xander tried to muster up a smile. His insides still seemed to be quivering and he was so damn tired. He let Anya pull him out toward the bonfire, but he soon slipped away and sat on the edge of the porch. Anya came to sit next to him, but she kept staring out at the party.
"You can go, if you want," Xander said, reaching out to pat her hand. "I'm going to go back to the camp. Get some sleep. I feel . . . Well, having it over, I'm just kinda exhausted now."
"If you want, I can come with you." She gave him a sad little smile. Xander felt the guilt rise up, eating at his inside. He'd wanted to tell her so many times over the last week. The problem was, he wasn't sure what he wanted to tell her. About the thing with Giles, about the thing with guys in general, about the thing where he didn't know if he wanted to be with her anymore?
He should have told her. Instead he said, "That's okay. Stay and have fun. I'm gonna go get some sleep."
She nodded, giving him a sad look. Xander felt awful as he stood up and headed for the trail. It was and the residents had lit it with battery-operated tiki torches. Xander didn't bother to hurry; instead he ambled along, trying to sort out the rolling feelings sliding through him.
The woods were kinda spooky, but someone had still put in little spots to rest along the walk. Probably because it might have been pretty, during the day. A few drops of rain landed on Xander's face, and he picked up the pace, hoping to get to the tent before he got soaked.
He ran into Giles, who was doing the same. Literally ran into him. They grabbed one another, both steadying themselves. It wasn't until he was fully balanced that Xander realized who it was he'd grabbed. Giles' forearms were under his fingers, and a shirt, but Xander could still feel the warmth of them. Giles always seemed warm.
"Hi," he said, mostly because he didn't know what else to say and the silence was starting to drag on. "Where did you come from?"
Giles nodded back toward the woods and Xander saw that a path opened out onto this one. "I was going for a walk and I felt rain." Neither of them had let go of the other.
"Giles," Xander finally said, though he had to pause to suck in a deep breath before he could continue. "Look, I know things have been pretty crazy, and I hope . . . It just seems like you've been avoiding me, and I get that, I do, but . . ." But, what? What can I say to him? What if he doesn't . . . Oh, crap.
Giles sighed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry," he said, softly. "We-We need to discuss things, you and I." His voice was sad and a little hoarse and Xander hate the way it sounded. "We can't let this . . . this strain between us continue."
It was starting to rain for real now, big drops of it landing on Xander's face. He didn't particularly care, though. In fact, just then, the only thing he could concentrate on was the drop of water sliding along Giles' upper lip. He couldn't take his eyes off of it. He felt dizzy again, but only for a heartbeat, and then he was leaning in. His tongue, apparently having developed a mind of its own, licked along Giles' lips. Giles' hands, still on Xander's forearms, squeezed tight, hard. Xander groaned and suddenly Giles' lips were pressed tight against his own, their body working to occupy the same space. Xander felt Giles' hips roll against his and he opened his mouth to groan, but never got the chance.
The kiss felt like heaven, like everything in the world had just clicked into its exact position. Xander thought he actually heard it all snap into place. His stomach tightened, and for once it felt good. His nerves were singing with the feel of Giles' tongue sweeping into his mouth, Giles' teeth grating over his lips, the prickle of Giles' stubble under his hands. It washed over him, a wave of dizziness and rightness sweeping from his head to his toes and back again, until Xander thought he might pass out from it.
"Xander?" Anya's voice was like ice down his back. Giles and Xander leapt apart, both of them nearly slipping in the newly made mud.
"Oh, God," Xander said, turning toward Anya before he'd completely caught his balance. He steadied himself, staring, wide-eyed, at Anya. Anya took a stumbling step backwards and Xander found himself moving toward her, one hand stretching toward her.
"Oh, God, Anya, I'm sorry . . . I just . . ." Xander shook his head. "God, I should have said something, but . . . I kept imagining . . ."
The look on Anya's face made him want to run away, to turn and lose himself in the woods and pretend this had never happened. He glanced back and saw Giles' face, just as pain filled, but also lined with guilt. It made him stay, kept his feet rooted to the ground. He couldn't leave Giles to face this all by himself. It wasn't even Giles' fault.
"You did it again," Anya shouted, her folded hands coming down from her mouth, revealing the pained 'o' of her lips as she darted a look from Xander to Giles and back again. "If it were someone different . . . I mean, then it might be me, right? But you . . ."
"Anya, what are you saying?" Giles looked as if he had as little idea as Xander did. He stepped forward, his eyes focused on Anya. Though Xander knew Giles had come closer because of Anya, he still felt somehow reassured by Giles' presence at his back. He could feel the heat of Giles' body, radiating toward him, feel Giles standing less than a foot away. It helped, though Xander didn't think he could have explained how.
"Again?" Xander finally managed. "But, Anya, I swear, Giles and I didn't ever . . . I mean, we . . ." Still, there were no words. There was only Anya and Giles, Anya standing there, her body shaking with things Xander probably couldn't even guess at. Well, anger, obviously, and hurt and . . . Giles was a still, solid presence at his back, but one glance at Giles' face was enough to tell Xander that 'comfort' wasn't a word that could be applied to either of them.
"No," Anya said, her face twisting for a moment into a more common annoyance, rather than pain. It hurt even worse, seeing that expression. He knew it. He'd seen it a hundred thousand times. He'd even thought it was cute once or twice, and now, with the rain pouring down all around them and Anya shaking and all of them getting soaked, it hit Xander like a blow to the gut. "You did this. I . . ." She shook her head hard and Xander couldn't tell if it were rain or tears that slid down her face.
"Anya, please," Giles said, his voice low. Xander could hear it just fine, but he wasn't sure that Anya had until her eyes flicked to Giles. The anger there didn't lessen; the fire didn't bank, but instead blazed. "Let's go back to the camp, to the common building, and talk about this. I know . . . God, I know how angry you must be, and you have every right, but you're shaking and it's cold here . . . Let's go inside."
"Go inside?" she shouted, anger taking the place of sorrow on her face, though only for a few heartbeats. Then they blended together, neither more present than the other. She looked torn, her eyes red and her whole body trembling. "You want to talk about this? Tell me why you keep doing this to me! Xander, why?"
Her eyes moved to him and Xander stood frozen in her gaze, no words coming into his mind at all. His heart pounded in his chest, squeezed tight with the pain so clearly written on Anya's features.
"Keep doing this?" Giles was the one to ask. Just then Xander really couldn't have remembered his own name if someone had asked. He'd done it again. He'd seen that look on Cordelia's face, and then she'd ran. He remembered looking down at her, through the stairs, seeing her laying there with metal shoved up through her stomach. And now Anya was looking at him that same way, so much pain in one face. He couldn't find words, could barely breath at all.
"Anya, you act as if this has happened before," Giles was saying. "While . . . I will admit that Xander and I . . . Anya, we haven't been carrying on behind your back, I promise you that."
Anya made a wordless sound that Xander wasn't sure how to name. There was disbelief in it, but also something like a sob that had him moving forward, though the look she gave him made him stop dead in his tracks.
Xander stepped closer, his hand still reaching out toward Anya. He couldn't help but fear she'd run away. His mind kept conjuring up pictures of her lying in a ditch she hadn't seen in the dark. "Giles is right. We should go inside--"
Anya made another sound, frustration boiling its way to the surface. She looked Xander right in eye and Xander felt like the lowest slime that ever oozed. Then she turned and started to walk away. Xander moved then, actually moved more than step. He reached out, taking her arm in a loose grip. Anya barely turned at all as she jerked her arm away and kept walking. She was heading back toward the cabins, which was something, at least. The path there was easy and Xander didn't worry about her getting hurt along the way.
-----
Next Part
Author: lostgirlslair
Fandom: BtVS
Pairing: Giles/Xander
Rating: R (FRM)
For full header, see Part One. Previous parts here.
The knocking at the door woke Giles from a dream. He thought it was a good dream, but as he was ripped out of it so impolitely, he couldn't quite remember the details. Probably for the best as what he did remember included Xander and a beach.
Bleary eyed, he looked at the alarm clock. He must have turned the alarm off and gone back to sleep. After that, he was quick to rise, picking up his bathrobe and throwing it on as he stumbled down the steps, mostly on autopilot. It wasn't until he reached the bottom step that he realized it might be Xander. Xander, with a box of donuts and that ridiculous, nervous grin. He paused, swallowing hard, and then went to answer the door. It wasn't as if he could just pretend he wasn't home.
The week had past in a sort of limbo and Giles wasn't the only cause. He and Xander had been avoiding one another. Giles had to work hard at not being in the same place, never being alone, and he felt bereft. Still, he knew it was for the best and reminded himself of that fact every time he had to hastily leave the room with a false smile and a bad excuse. But if this was Xander, appearing at his door, what was he supposed to do? Tell him to go away? Refuse to have breakfast with him?
Part of him was glad to see Xander only at the Magic Box, where Anya, and usually others, were always nearby. The larger part of him, a part he refused to acknowledge, was disappointed. He'd liked having Xander all to himself. It was stupid, and dangerous, but he missed it. Giles stopped with his hand midway to the door, momentarily dizzy. He and Xander had only had breakfast twice. Yes, he had enjoyed it, but there wasn't much to miss, and yet . . .
Another knock pulled him from his thoughts. Giles blinked and shook his head. He opened the door to find Willow, bright and smiling.
"Hey, Giles!" She was smiling, but it seemed nervous. She'd been giving him odd looks all week and Giles thought she'd guessed that he was avoiding Xander, that he and Xander were avoiding one another.
"Hello. I was just, uh, I must have overslept." Giles pulled his robe tighter and stood aside. Why did Willow's walk even have to be cheerful? Giles shook his head at himself. "What can I do for you?"
"I brought that stuff for your guys' trip this weekend. Could you help me get it all in the door?"
"Of course," he said, grabbing the two bags she'd brought and then setting them down inside.
The moment he felt her small hand on his wrist, Giles knew what was coming. Well, not exactly, but he knew it was going to be about Xander. He did his best to school his expression into something approaching neutrality as he turned back to her, an eyebrow raised in question.
"Giles, I . . . Okay, I don't want to step on toes, or egos, or any other man parts." Her eyes widened as she realized what she'd said, and blushed hot enough to scorch. "I didn't mean that, not-not the way it sounded. I just meant that guys are different and I--Oh, boy."
And, as much as Giles wanted to get out of this conversation, he couldn't leave Willow standing there embarrassed. He sighed and nodded. "I know what you mean, although I'm not terribly hopeful about where this conversation is probably heading."
Willow's blushed faded only a little. She shifted her weight, looking up at Giles in a way that recalled how she'd looked when he'd first met her and she actually had enough hair to hide her face.
"It's just . . . Okay, I'm not going to be specific, because I know that's just a load of bad waiting to happen, but I want you to know that . . . That no matter how things go. I've . . . I've got your back."
Giles blinked. "Er, perhaps you could be just a tad more specific?" He had thought that she'd been talking about his attraction to Xander, but even as he mentally reviewed what she'd said, he couldn't fit it into the situation.
She blinked right back at him, her mouth gapping open. "Uh, well . . . You know, things. Things that are things that might not be things, but might be things, if you know . . . things." She seemed to realize the mess she'd made of that, since her blush rose on her face, turning it a truer red than her hair.
"Right," Giles said, feeling his forehead furrow. "Things, obviously." He was torn as to whether he should back out slowly, or just run. Either way, he was ending the conversation, before Willow decided to be blunt. Giles didn't think he could take that, just then. With a hand on her shoulder, he gently stirred Willow to the door. "Uh, I understand, Willow. Thank you."
She turned on the threshold, giving him a small smile. "Okay, I'm going, Mr. Silent-Type, but . . . I'm here."
Giles opened his mouth and then shut it, nodding. "I know. Thank you." He meant it that time and Willow's smile brightened before she left.
------
Giles knew, for certain, that 'hell' was woefully inadequate when Xander and Anya appeared bright and early Saturday morning. Though he'd known that they would be coming, he hadn't expected them quite so early. He was dressed, at least, which was a nice change from the week he'd been having.
Xander had donuts. Giles wanted to break something that would make a lot of noise.
The drive was interminable. He had taken the backseat, despite the fact that he was quite a bit taller than Anya. He was cramped and tired, but the worst part was that Xander and Anya were arguing. Not about anything specific, as far as he could tell. Given that he was mentally reciting the chords of every song he could play just to drown it out, he couldn't tell much. Fortunately, it subsided before they were halfway there. Whatever the outcome, Anya tried to put on a happy face. Her bright, cheerful voice filled the car for most of the second half of the trip.
Giles groaned when it was time to unfold himself from the back of the car. The camp was an old summer camp. It had been closed a decade ago when a camp councilor had been torn to shreds. Apparently, the combination of 'summer camp' and 'dead body' was too much for the parents and the place had closed down, despite the face that it had been a freak accident with a hungry bear and not a serial killer. He supposed he wouldn't have sent his children to summer camp with hunger bears, either.
All the cabins were occupied, so they would have to actually camp, which Giles didn't really object to. Of course, he didn't usually go camping with only a sleeping bag, a small tent, and the bare necessities.
"Where is everybody?" Xander asked, glancing around as if he expected people to jump out of the common building.
"They'll be along," Giles said. "We're a little early and this part of the camp is mostly for visitors."
"You've been here before?" Anya asked. She and Xander were putting up their tent, though it was more that Xander was doing it while Anya handed him things.
"Yes, a few years ago." Giles finished putting up his own tent, trying not to let Xander's obvious nervousness infect him. "It's all right, Xander. They're not dangerous, and they certainly aren't going to hurt anyone."
Xander stopped, nodding and giving him a small smile. "Thanks. I got it." He still seemed nervous, but at least he wasn't casting glances over his shoulder every few minutes.
Anya tried to be supportive, Giles could tell. She kept awkwardly patting Xander's shoulder, and smiling whenever he looked up at her. Giles turned away and headed for the common building, where he might just find some tea. The building was small and split into three areas: a kitchen, a living room like area, and then the laundry area. There were bathrooms and showers around the other side of the building.
What there wasn't, was tea. Giles sighed, setting his hands against the edge of the counter and leaning his weight onto his forearms. With his eyes closed, he reminded himself why he was there. Xander needed him to be there, needed him to make this easier. Resolving to take things in their stride, he poured himself some water and went back outside.
The camp's owners, Steven and Exelpheus--who regarded himself as half-human--had come down to meet them. Anya was chatting with them while Xander shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Exelpheus looked entirely human, but Steven did have skin the color of mustard and hair redder than any human could--naturally--manage. They were twins.
"The ritual itself doesn't take long," Exelpheus was saying. "We'll be set up for it later tonight. You could leave tomorrow, if you wanted, but we also have an extensive library of texts on demon-human hybrids and you're more than welcome to stay and look through it."
"Thank you," Giles said in the pause that followed. Xander had tried to say it himself, but he didn't seem able to get the words out. Both Steven and Exelpheus turned, nodding a welcome. "And thank you for allowing us to come up here."
"You're quite welcome," Steven said as he and Giles shook hands. "It's always been part of our objective to help young people like Xander." Steven gave Xander a smile that was meant to be reassuring, but Giles wasn't sure Xander could get past all the teeth long enough to see it that way.
"And it's been lovely meeting Anyanka, as well," Exelpheus put in, his smile just as toothy but for entirely different reasons.
Xander started to bristle, Giles could see him standing straighter, opening his mouth to speak. Luckily, Anya hadn't noticed and jumped in before Xander could say anything. "It's so nice to know my reputation still stands," she said brightly. "I like to think I did some good work, over the years. Isn't that nice, Xander?" She turned her smile on him and Xander nodded mutely, his shoulders a little hunched.
"Well," Exelpheus said, "we'll let you get settled in. Everyone's up by the cabins if you'd like to socialize a little."
With a nod to Giles, both of them set off along the track that led into the woods and up the hill a little. Xander glowered at the backs of the retreating half-demons, but Anya's cheer seemed less feigned.
"I'm going to make us all lunch," she said, smiling as if her teeth was painful when her lips touched her teeth.
Xander and Giles shared a look that Anya, fortunately, did not see. "We brought picnic type stuff," Xander said. Hoping his relief wasn't too obvious--Anya cooked well enough, but he'd heard about her penchant for experimentation--Giles helped Anya get everything in to the common building. She chatted enough that he didn't have to say much of anything, all the better considering he had no idea what to say to her.
Just being in her vicinity made his guilt flare. But what could he do? She deserved to know, but she didn't deserve to hear it from him. Xander needed to tell her, should be the one to tell her, especially if Xander wanted their relationship to remain intact.
Of course, Giles didn't know what Xander wanted, if he did, things would have been at least a little easier. He hadn't been paying much attention to what Anya was saying and his sigh must have caught her attention.
"It's true," she said, the words snapping Giles back to himself. "It wasn't my best curse ever, but I think he deserved it." She was putting the perishables into the refrigerator, her tone so earnest that Giles was curious as to what he'd missed.
"I'm sure," Giles mumbled, lifting the last cooler up onto the table. It was heavy enough that he had to wonder what they'd put in it. The blood rushed to his head as he stood and Giles felt momentarily dizzy. He blinked, the world a little hazy around the edges, and then pulled his glasses off to give them a good cleaning. "I'm going to help Xander with the tent," he said, his guilt and worry pushing him to say more. "If any of the other residents come down it's probably best if someone's there to introduce them."
Anya glanced over at him, but the look was over before Giles could decipher it. "All right. Lunch shouldn't take long." Her voice was back to cheerfully bright and Giles had to wonder if the tone was forced.
He opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but with no idea what to say. Instead, he turned and went to help Xander. She isn't an imbecile, Giles' mental voice was saying. She has to know that something's going on, even if she doesn't know what. Giles sighed again, pausing outside the door and closing his eyes against the bright sunshine, collecting himself.
Xander had gotten the tent up by the time he arrived, and was busy laying out his and Anya's sleeping bags inside. Giles knelt down at the entrance, watching Xander for a long moment.
Xander looked up at him and gave a wavering smile. "Anybody else to meet out there?" Giles got the impression that that played a rather large role in whether or not Xander had finished with the sleeping bags.
"No. We're alone. Xander . . ." Giles faltered to a stop. He didn't know what to say, but he couldn't stay quiet any longer. "Xander have you told Anya about . . . Uh, the . . . the kiss?"
"What?" Xander's head shut up, his eyes as round as golf balls. "Did she say something? Oh, God, she said something." He tried to stand, but the tent was a bit to small for that and--after a complicated series of events--Xander wound up tangled in a sleeping bag and staring up at the tent ceiling from his place on the ground. "Shit," he said with feeling, and then, "Shit, shit, shit, shit."
"She didn't say anything," Giles said. "I assume you didn't tell her, then?"
Xander's head turned toward him slowly. "Should I?" There was something in the tone that made Giles' chest tighten a little. So many ways to interrupt two words, but Giles had no idea which one was correct.
"Xander, she deserves to know that we . . . I mean, it's not as if . . ." He sighed, shrugging and sitting in the damp grass. He couldn't bring himself to look up at Xander. "If you want your relationship with Anya to-to last, then . . . Yes, you should tell her. You shouldn't keep something this important a secret."
He risked a quick glance up only to find that Xander had gone back to studying the tent ceiling. "Yeah," was all he said, but it had a tone of finality to it, and Giles suddenly needed very much to be somewhere else. Almost anywhere.
"I'm going to take a shower," he said, leaving without allowing himself to look at Xander.
--Xander--
Anya dragged him up to meet the other half-demons who lived at the camp. She seemed to think it would be good for him, though Xander didn't get why. Giles hadn't come along, which wasn't a surprise, really. Xander was sure Giles was avoiding him.
You should be used to it, said a bitter voice in his head. He's been avoiding you all week.
Yeah, said another voice, less bitter and more tired. But you've been avoiding him, too.
Xander shook his head, hoping that voices in his head weren't the first step toward growing horns, or sprouting spikes. He'd been looking through the books Giles had given him pretty much every chance he got, which wasn't all that great a thing. Now that he knew what could happen--however, unlikely--he kept checking himself over to make sure it hadn't.
Anya tugged him up the path and Xander went. The ritual wouldn't be for another hour and Xander really would have rather stayed down by their own tents so that he could freak out in peace. Anya wanted to go, though, which would have been fine, except that she wanted him to come with her. And he'd said he would, because looking up at that smiling face, he couldn't say 'no,' not now.
The cabins were lit, so it wasn't hard to find the place, even with the sun starting to set. Xander had no idea what to expect . . . Well, no, that wasn't true. After the books Giles had given him, his imagination was working overtime. "Anya, I'm not sure this is a good idea. I mean, I'm just kinda--"
"Relax, Xander," Anya said, "We're almost there."
"Yeah, but . . . Maybe we shouldn't have left Giles back at the camp all by himself. I know he said it was fine, but . . ." Xander thought he saw Anya's face scrunch up in annoyance, but when she turned to him there was just an overly bright smile.
"Stop worrying. He'll come up, if he wants to. This will be good for you." Her smile dimmed, but only because it wasn't so forced anymore. "I just want to help you, and meeting other people who are like you . . . Won't that help?"
Xander sighed and nodded weakly. He wanted to run for the camp, but this seemed important to Anya. "All right," he said, tossing his hands up in a jerky, nervous gesture of resignation.
"You must be Xander and Anyanka!" said a voice from their left. They both turned to find a woman standing a little away. It looked as if she were coming from one of the brightly lit cabins.
"Uh, yeah," Xander said, nodding too quickly. She was small, Buffy-sized, but the horns gave her at least another half a foot. Xander swallowed hard. "We're, uh, visiting."
"Yeah, I heard!" She grinned at them and then leaned forward a little. "We don't get many visitors. If you want, you can come and meet the others. We're just hanging around and being goofy, but you're more than welcome to join us!"
She was far, far too cheerful. Xander wanted to run. Not from her, or her horns, which Xander had to work not to stare at--What if I grow horns? Will I have to move out here?--but from what she represented. He didn't want to do this, didn't want to be this. He wanted everything to be normal again. Unfortunately, Anya apparently wanted to go. She hooked her arm in his and pulled him along.
It wasn't as bad as Xander thought it would be. The half-demons were . . . really nice, actually. They seemed excited to have a visitor and they didn't push Xander with many questions. Well, most of them didn't. One, a tall, entirely bald woman named Selly kept asking him questions, especially if Anya took her eye off of him for a minute.
She cornered him, at one point. Xander, sweating and yet wearing a frozen smile, nodded as she told him all about her hobby of collecting rare crystals. Xander didn't think most of them were from this dimension. He always thought half what Selly said was some kind of innuendo he wasn't getting. Which was probably a good thing. Anya slid up next to him and, for the first time that night, he was relieved when she slid her arm into his.
"Oh, I've been to Markis," Anya said, her smile just a little brittle. "It's a lovely place. Well, if you like entrails."
Selly blinked at Anya and then smiled again, and it was even more brittle than Anya's. "Oh, you must be Anya. It's so nice to meet you." The way she drew out the word 'so' made it sound more like 'diediedie.' Xander swallowed hard. She turned her eyes back to Xander.
"So, you were raised here? Your mom was the one, then?" Selly smiled at him, politely waiting for an answer, but Xander just stared.
He should have thought about it before now. Why hadn't he thought about that before now? Shouldn't it have been his first thought? For him to be . . . His mother had to have . . . Well, okay, so that wasn't much different than now, but he wouldn't ever have thought she could . . . The revelation sent all the blood to Xander's head, making him feel dizzy.
"Oh, you've got white," Selly said, though she sounded more put out than worried.
"Xander? Are you okay?" Anya asked, squeezing his arm.
Xander blinked and then looked at Anya. "Yeah, yeah. I just . . . I hadn't thought about . . . My parents."
"But that's good news," Anya said, her face a little scrunched as if she didn't understand. "Isn't it? I mean, you always say you wish he wasn't your father and . . . He's not!" Anya said it like 'surprise' at a birthday party and Xander gave her a weak smile.
After that, everything just seemed to go on around him. Anya got rid of Selly, though Xander wasn't entirely sure how. All he could think was that his father wasn't his father and his mother . . . Well, he didn't really know her as well as he'd thought, either, did he? Why hadn't he thought about that? It bugged him, and kept bugging him. He couldn't get it off his mind.
"Xander?" Blinking, Xander found himself looking into Giles' slightly worried face. Xander's gut tightened.
"Huh?" Xander shook his head and sighed. "Oh, Giles, I'm . . . It's good that you came up here."
Giles nodded, but he wasn't really meeting Xander's eyes. It hurt, like something sharp in his stomach. Xander bit the inside of his lip, trying to keep himself together. "How are you? You looked . . . deep in thought."
Giles moved to stand next to him--easier to not look at me--and leaned back against the wall. They were on the front porch of the biggest cabin, where all the residents seemed to gather. There were people all around, many of them listening with interest as Anya told some story or another.
"I don't know. Just so much to . . . think about." Xander glanced over and found Giles doing the same. He wasn't sure why he jerked his head, why he turned it forward so quickly, except that it felt somehow wrong to be stealing side looks at Giles. The weird thing was that if felt wrong because it didn't feel wrong. He knew it should, and so he felt guilty, but it didn't, not deep down. Anya was just a few feet away, but it might as well have been miles and if felt right to be standing there with Giles, to be stealing looks and talking . . . Xander felt a wave of dizziness and leaned harder on the wall behind him.
"Xander?" Giles' voice was worried again. Xander straightened, shaking himself a little, and turned to look at Giles.
"I just . . . I'm tired," Xander said, waving away the hand Giles had reached out toward him. Giles nodded, his hand dropping to his side with a speed usually only found in jet fighters. "Things still feel . . ." Xander shrugged, looking down at the drink in his hand. He didn't remember how he'd gotten it. "Giles, I'm sorry," he finally managed.
Giles shook his head, his voice low and soothing. "Whatever for?"
"For making you come this weekend. I know you didn't want to, and I . . . I just thought that if . . . I don't know. I'm just sorry." Xander sneaked a look up at Giles and what he saw there made his throat feel even tighter than his chest.
Giles was smiling at him. Not bright or huge, but a good smile, a really nice smile. "There's nothing to apologize for," he said and his voice seemed deep enough to drown in. Xander relaxed a little, feeling a little better. "Xander, I came here to help you. As long as my being here does that . . ." Giles shrugged, still smiling.
Xander smiled back, nodding. "It does. Thanks." He felt as if he should be squirming, should be uncomfortable, but that wasn't the case at all. He felt . . . right, for the first time in a while. Standing there, with Giles looking at him that way, even the air felt softer, more worn.
"Xander, I--"
"All right, the moon's going to rise soon," said a voice, cutting Giles off before he could get out whatever he was going to say.
Xander had to work to get himself to stop looking at Giles. He turned around and saw Steven motioning for everybody to go to the bonfire. It wasn't lit, yet, but it would be soon, Xander knew. Whatever it was, the ritual itself didn't take long and the bonfire was actually for afterwards, a little 'welcome to half-demonhood' party sort of thing.
"Okay," Steven said, grinning at him in the way that made Xander kinda feel like he was two years old. "You and I, and Anya and Giles if you want them to come along, should go and get this done. Exel's done all the prep work and he's ready when you are."
He made it sound like a hair cut. Xander took a deep breath. Anya had already slipped her arm in his and a quick glance at Giles got him a nod. Giles would come with him. "All right," Xander said, his tone making it sound like he was walking to his own funeral.
He followed Steven inside, to the room they'd set up. There was a circle just barely big enough for Xander to sit cross-legged in, and the air smelled thick with some incense Xander couldn't name. There were symbols over most of the floor and a narrow path of un-marked wood that let him walk into the circle. Exelpheus stood in one corner. Despite the fact that he looked worn out, he gave Xander a smile and nod that Xander thought was supposed to be reassuring.
Xander sat down in the circle and looked at Anya and Giles, who both stood in the doorway. They had reassuring looks on their faces, but it was the way Giles ran his eyes over the symbols on the floor, on the walls--and on the ceiling Xander noticed as he followed Giles' gaze--that helped Xander calm down the most. Giles knew about this stuff, right? Spells and demons, okay, half-demons, and that kind of thing?
Xander clung to that thought as Steven started chanting. Xander closed his eyes tight, calling himself an idiot for not asking the all important question: Is this going to hurt?
"Okay," said Steven, "Here's what I got--"
"That's it?" Xander opened his eyes, darting looks all around the room. Everything looked the same, except the markings on the floor and walls and ceiling had disappeared. Xander's eyes found Anya and Giles. Anya looked interested, but Giles was smiling at him.
"That's it," Steven said, smiling. "It's fairly easy, just a peek into another plane to get a really good, close look at your aura. Knowing how to read it is the hardest part." Steven nodded, but he, Giles, and Anya all almost collided in their bids to help him up. Xander stood on his own.
"But . . . But, all those symbols?" He motioned to the floor where they'd once been.
"Just for protection," Exelpheus answered. "It's a little dangerous, for the caster, to just stick his head out there into the hub of . . . Well, a bunch of realities."
Xander wobbled, reaching out a hand to steady himself as he felt dizzy and his stomach did a flip-flop. Someone grabbed his arm, helping him to stay standing, but Xander couldn't open his eyes because of the way the world had spun.
"Careful," said either Steven or Exelpheus, it was hard to tell with his eyes shut. "You may be a little dizzy. Happens sometimes, when you go poking at reality."
"Whoa." Xander swallowed a few times, and then cautiously opened one eye a little. When the world didn't spin he opened them both. Giles had a hold on his arm and Xander nodded a thank you before pulling away.
"Are you all right?" Anya asked. She had a hold on his other arm and her forehead was scrunched up.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," Xander said, letting out the breath he'd been holding. He looked to Steven. "So?"
"Well, it was a little wobbly, but that happens sometimes. It looks as if you're half Grenvan." He nodded, still smiling. He would have made a great camp councilor, you know, if it wasn't for the skin and hair and fangs.
"Grenvan?" Xander didn't know if he'd read about them or not. Mostly, he remembered the things that later went nuts and started pulling people's arms off.
"Harmless," Giles said, catching his eye and smiling. "They inhabit a different plane, most of the time, but occasionally come here for the beer."
"Beer?" Xander blinked, trying to wrap his mind around all of this. Harmless was good. He could live with harmless.
"They have a strange love for the stuff," Giles said with a shrug. "Hops won't grow in lava ash."
"Okay." Xander looked at Anya.
"They're quite nice, actually." Anya smile was bright, but genuine. "I once met one who ran a bar in Finland. Very sweet man."
"Right. So, no . . . horns or . . . anything?" Xander suddenly felt exhausted. He'd been dreading this for a week and now it was over and he just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep.
"Well," Steven said, stretching the word out, "with Grenvan's the only thing you have to worry about is a tail, and if you didn't have that at birth--"
"Skateboard," Xander told Anya, before she could even say anything.
"--than you've got nothing to worry about."
Anya grinned at him and Xander tried to muster up a smile. His insides still seemed to be quivering and he was so damn tired. He let Anya pull him out toward the bonfire, but he soon slipped away and sat on the edge of the porch. Anya came to sit next to him, but she kept staring out at the party.
"You can go, if you want," Xander said, reaching out to pat her hand. "I'm going to go back to the camp. Get some sleep. I feel . . . Well, having it over, I'm just kinda exhausted now."
"If you want, I can come with you." She gave him a sad little smile. Xander felt the guilt rise up, eating at his inside. He'd wanted to tell her so many times over the last week. The problem was, he wasn't sure what he wanted to tell her. About the thing with Giles, about the thing with guys in general, about the thing where he didn't know if he wanted to be with her anymore?
He should have told her. Instead he said, "That's okay. Stay and have fun. I'm gonna go get some sleep."
She nodded, giving him a sad look. Xander felt awful as he stood up and headed for the trail. It was and the residents had lit it with battery-operated tiki torches. Xander didn't bother to hurry; instead he ambled along, trying to sort out the rolling feelings sliding through him.
The woods were kinda spooky, but someone had still put in little spots to rest along the walk. Probably because it might have been pretty, during the day. A few drops of rain landed on Xander's face, and he picked up the pace, hoping to get to the tent before he got soaked.
He ran into Giles, who was doing the same. Literally ran into him. They grabbed one another, both steadying themselves. It wasn't until he was fully balanced that Xander realized who it was he'd grabbed. Giles' forearms were under his fingers, and a shirt, but Xander could still feel the warmth of them. Giles always seemed warm.
"Hi," he said, mostly because he didn't know what else to say and the silence was starting to drag on. "Where did you come from?"
Giles nodded back toward the woods and Xander saw that a path opened out onto this one. "I was going for a walk and I felt rain." Neither of them had let go of the other.
"Giles," Xander finally said, though he had to pause to suck in a deep breath before he could continue. "Look, I know things have been pretty crazy, and I hope . . . It just seems like you've been avoiding me, and I get that, I do, but . . ." But, what? What can I say to him? What if he doesn't . . . Oh, crap.
Giles sighed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry," he said, softly. "We-We need to discuss things, you and I." His voice was sad and a little hoarse and Xander hate the way it sounded. "We can't let this . . . this strain between us continue."
It was starting to rain for real now, big drops of it landing on Xander's face. He didn't particularly care, though. In fact, just then, the only thing he could concentrate on was the drop of water sliding along Giles' upper lip. He couldn't take his eyes off of it. He felt dizzy again, but only for a heartbeat, and then he was leaning in. His tongue, apparently having developed a mind of its own, licked along Giles' lips. Giles' hands, still on Xander's forearms, squeezed tight, hard. Xander groaned and suddenly Giles' lips were pressed tight against his own, their body working to occupy the same space. Xander felt Giles' hips roll against his and he opened his mouth to groan, but never got the chance.
The kiss felt like heaven, like everything in the world had just clicked into its exact position. Xander thought he actually heard it all snap into place. His stomach tightened, and for once it felt good. His nerves were singing with the feel of Giles' tongue sweeping into his mouth, Giles' teeth grating over his lips, the prickle of Giles' stubble under his hands. It washed over him, a wave of dizziness and rightness sweeping from his head to his toes and back again, until Xander thought he might pass out from it.
"Xander?" Anya's voice was like ice down his back. Giles and Xander leapt apart, both of them nearly slipping in the newly made mud.
"Oh, God," Xander said, turning toward Anya before he'd completely caught his balance. He steadied himself, staring, wide-eyed, at Anya. Anya took a stumbling step backwards and Xander found himself moving toward her, one hand stretching toward her.
"Oh, God, Anya, I'm sorry . . . I just . . ." Xander shook his head. "God, I should have said something, but . . . I kept imagining . . ."
The look on Anya's face made him want to run away, to turn and lose himself in the woods and pretend this had never happened. He glanced back and saw Giles' face, just as pain filled, but also lined with guilt. It made him stay, kept his feet rooted to the ground. He couldn't leave Giles to face this all by himself. It wasn't even Giles' fault.
"You did it again," Anya shouted, her folded hands coming down from her mouth, revealing the pained 'o' of her lips as she darted a look from Xander to Giles and back again. "If it were someone different . . . I mean, then it might be me, right? But you . . ."
"Anya, what are you saying?" Giles looked as if he had as little idea as Xander did. He stepped forward, his eyes focused on Anya. Though Xander knew Giles had come closer because of Anya, he still felt somehow reassured by Giles' presence at his back. He could feel the heat of Giles' body, radiating toward him, feel Giles standing less than a foot away. It helped, though Xander didn't think he could have explained how.
"Again?" Xander finally managed. "But, Anya, I swear, Giles and I didn't ever . . . I mean, we . . ." Still, there were no words. There was only Anya and Giles, Anya standing there, her body shaking with things Xander probably couldn't even guess at. Well, anger, obviously, and hurt and . . . Giles was a still, solid presence at his back, but one glance at Giles' face was enough to tell Xander that 'comfort' wasn't a word that could be applied to either of them.
"No," Anya said, her face twisting for a moment into a more common annoyance, rather than pain. It hurt even worse, seeing that expression. He knew it. He'd seen it a hundred thousand times. He'd even thought it was cute once or twice, and now, with the rain pouring down all around them and Anya shaking and all of them getting soaked, it hit Xander like a blow to the gut. "You did this. I . . ." She shook her head hard and Xander couldn't tell if it were rain or tears that slid down her face.
"Anya, please," Giles said, his voice low. Xander could hear it just fine, but he wasn't sure that Anya had until her eyes flicked to Giles. The anger there didn't lessen; the fire didn't bank, but instead blazed. "Let's go back to the camp, to the common building, and talk about this. I know . . . God, I know how angry you must be, and you have every right, but you're shaking and it's cold here . . . Let's go inside."
"Go inside?" she shouted, anger taking the place of sorrow on her face, though only for a few heartbeats. Then they blended together, neither more present than the other. She looked torn, her eyes red and her whole body trembling. "You want to talk about this? Tell me why you keep doing this to me! Xander, why?"
Her eyes moved to him and Xander stood frozen in her gaze, no words coming into his mind at all. His heart pounded in his chest, squeezed tight with the pain so clearly written on Anya's features.
"Keep doing this?" Giles was the one to ask. Just then Xander really couldn't have remembered his own name if someone had asked. He'd done it again. He'd seen that look on Cordelia's face, and then she'd ran. He remembered looking down at her, through the stairs, seeing her laying there with metal shoved up through her stomach. And now Anya was looking at him that same way, so much pain in one face. He couldn't find words, could barely breath at all.
"Anya, you act as if this has happened before," Giles was saying. "While . . . I will admit that Xander and I . . . Anya, we haven't been carrying on behind your back, I promise you that."
Anya made a wordless sound that Xander wasn't sure how to name. There was disbelief in it, but also something like a sob that had him moving forward, though the look she gave him made him stop dead in his tracks.
Xander stepped closer, his hand still reaching out toward Anya. He couldn't help but fear she'd run away. His mind kept conjuring up pictures of her lying in a ditch she hadn't seen in the dark. "Giles is right. We should go inside--"
Anya made another sound, frustration boiling its way to the surface. She looked Xander right in eye and Xander felt like the lowest slime that ever oozed. Then she turned and started to walk away. Xander moved then, actually moved more than step. He reached out, taking her arm in a loose grip. Anya barely turned at all as she jerked her arm away and kept walking. She was heading back toward the cabins, which was something, at least. The path there was easy and Xander didn't worry about her getting hurt along the way.
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