Fic: Inside Out, Giles/Xander, R (FRM)
Title: Inside Out (3 of 6)
Author: lostgirlslair
Fandom: BtVS
Pairing: Giles/Xander
Rating: R (FRM)
For full header, see Part One. Previous parts here.
--Xander--
Xander left Giles' apartment more confused than when he'd gotten there. He'd thought he'd worked it all out in his head, that it was just that Giles had been so nice to him, looked so worried and been so . . . Xander shook his head, fingers tapping against the steering wheel as he stopped at a red light.
He'd thought that he'd go there and he wouldn't feel the same now, wouldn't want to reach out and touch, wouldn't have that insane urge to kiss him, feel what it was like to . . . Xander groaned, turning toward the construction site and swearing at himself. This was stupid. This was more than stupid, it was insane. That's it. He'd lost his mind. It was the demon in him, it had to be. Okay, so, maybe, he'd kinda always thought Giles was . . . not sexy, he was not about to admit to sexy. Maybe interesting. Yeah. He'd always thought Giles was interesting. And, okay, so maybe, once or twice, when he was really horny, he might have kinda thought about a guy. Not anyone specific. Just doing . . . things with a guy. Just because the guy usually smelled like old books and tea didn't mean it was Giles. It didn't.
He parked his car and sat for a moment, staring. What was he going to do? On the one hand, there was Anya and she was beautiful and sweet and so . . . new to everything. He didn't always get her, she kept him guessing and . . . he was never really sure where he stood, never sure when he was doing something wrong. Sometimes it felt like he was just there, just along for the ride and . . . he didn't know what to do. On the other hand . . . he wasn't even sure what was on the other hand. He liked Giles and he really . . . he really liked spending time with him, but he'd been so sure that, when he saw Giles this morning, he wouldn't feel that tug in his gut and the lighted-headed rush of blood.
Then Giles hand answered the door and he'd been all just-out-of-bed and he'd smiled and . . . God, what was wrong with him? He had everything he'd always wanted. Right? Didn't he?
Realizing he was getting nowhere, and really just wanting to not think for a while, Xander finally got out of the car and headed to the site. He managed not to think, throwing himself into whatever work there was, even jobs he didn't normally do. The guys looked at him funny, but they didn't say anything, not to him anyway.
He didn't think at all. He just worked. He worked straight through the morning, when he didn't think about the fact that he was half demon, that he was what he'd hated ever since one had set up shop in his best friend's body. He worked through lunch, when he didn't think about Anya and the sad way she'd looked at him that morning. He didn't think about the way they hadn't had sex since that night. He didn't think about the way she'd kept asking what he and Giles had talked about. He worked through the rest of the day, when he most certainly didn't think about Giles, about the way he'd laughed and talked at breakfast, about the way Giles had kissed him, felt against him, looked at him.
By the end of the day he was exhausted and not just from the work. Not thinking took a lot out of a person. Sighing, he turned down the offer of a drink out with the guys on the site and headed straight for his car. The problem was that, once behind the wheel, he didn't know where to go.
Home to Anya? To Giles' place? It took him only a moment to decide, really. He turned on the engine and pulled out onto the street, his mind filled with only one thought that he'd admit to anyone. Willow. He wanted to see Willow.
She'd been less scarce, but still wrapped up in college and Tara, but . . . She was Willow and she'd help him sort this out. She'd . . . God, could he really admit to her all the things that were going on in his head? Could he really sit down and talk about this? He had with Giles, but that . . . it was different. Giles had been there, had seen him like that and still . . . touched him, smiled at him, looked at him like he was someone worth seeing, like he was still Xander.
But he couldn't talk to Giles about all of this, couldn't lay it all out and hope Giles would sort it out, not when . . . not when Giles was such a big part of it. Not when that meant laying himself open and . . . God, Giles had already turned him down once and it had hurt and . . . he couldn't do that again. He'd needed for Giles to keep looking at him like that, wanted it so bad it hurt, and Giles had handed him over to Anya.
Maybe Giles was right, though. Xander wasn't angry. He had been at first. He'd been so mad because he'd . . . he'd just thrown himself at Giles. He'd just wanted to be told it was all right, that he was all right, to have someone . . . no, not someone, Giles, he'd wanted Giles and . . .
God. I'm so screwed.
He swallowed hard, gripping the steering wheel tight as he parked outside Willow and Tara's place. He nearly raced to get there, hoping that Willow wasn't in class even though he knew she wasn't. He knew her schedule, but there was always some place else she could be. Out with Tara, out with Buffy. He knocked on the door, trying to calm himself down. He felt as if he was going to explode and had no idea what he was going to say. That was always the worst because he knew he was just going to open his mouth and it wasn't going to make sense, but he was so damn confused.
Willow opened the door, smiled and Xander walked in, spewing words before the door even closed.
"God, Will, you gotta help me! I have no idea what's happening to me and I can't fix it and it's all spinning around in my head like that time there was that fair and we nearly got sick on the rides. It's like everything's flashing by and I keep seeing myself doing things, saying things that . . . God, I shouldn't and I--Hi, Tara--and I think I’m gay." Willow and Tara both blinked at him, staring with opened mouths. The silence went on too long.
"'Cause, the other night, the one when we found out that I . . . that I’m part . . . d-demon. I went to Giles, I-I didn't tell you guys, but I just . . . I couldn't-- never want to hurt you guys. I mean, you're my Will and she's your Tara, so she's kinda my Tara by association and Anya and Buffy and I just wanted it all to go away and then it was raining and we kissed and I said I wanted to--"
"You and Giles kissed?" Willow's voice stopped him cold and Xander felt himself nodding, staring at his best friend in all the world and hoping she could make this make sense.
"And, uh, other things. I-I kinda jumped him. I was stripping out of my wet clothes and he was right there and we kinda, um, made out and I . . . kinda made him. Not like forced him, but I was . . . kinda pushy and I just . . . I don't know . . ." he trailed off, looking at Willow and Tara's shocked expressions and waiting.
"Um, I'm going to go get us s-some sandwiches. I'll go to that deli down the street and get sandwiches and-and something to drink." Tara glanced at Willow, smiled a shy smile at him, and left them alone.
Willow blinked.
Xander slumped down onto the bed and laid his head in his hands.
"You . . . and-and Giles?" The bed sank as Willow sat down on the edge. He knew her voice well enough to know that if he looked up, she'd still look shocked. "Had sex?" She whispered that last word.
"No!" Xander's head shot up out of his hands and he shook it frantically. "No. No sex, but . . . uh, that's not saying that I wasn't kinda . . . uh, h-heading that way. Giles . . . Giles wouldn't, but there, uh, there may have been touching. There was, actually, yeah, there was definitely touching and, um . . . excitement and . . . oh, God." Xander laid his head back in his hands, wanting to curl up in a corner, wishing the Hellmouth would open up under him and get it over with.
"So, you . . . do you still, uhm, like Anya?" Willow leaned against him. Her voice was still shocky, but she was trying and Xander relaxed a bit just for that.
"Anya? Yeah. I mean, I still . . . do, definitely do, but . . . I do with Giles, too."
"Oh, boy." Willow let out a long breath, laying her head on his shoulder. "Okay, so, right. Bisexual?"
Xander swallowed hard, nodding. "Yeah. I guess. A bisexual, half demon. God, why me?"
And Willow laughed, silent at first, almost holding it in and then shaking with it before it tumbled out, filling the room. Xander gave her an indignant glare, but then found the laughter contagious.
"No wonder you're a demon magnet!" Willow panted between bursts of laughter, "Something for everyone. Demon. Human. Boy. Girl."
"That's not funny!" Xander insisted, his ribs starting to ache.
"I know," she said softly, the laughter dying away. They lay there, staring at one another, Willow's face solemn. "I know. It's hard, huh? It's like suddenly your world is all upside down, but finally upside right and it's scary, 'cause it's different and it's new and there's this whole big new thing looming over you and you don't know how to make everything feel . . . well worn again."
"Yeah," Xander sighed, wondering how Willow could always come up with just the right thing to say. She knew what he was going through with the whole Giles thing, or mostly knew, but it was the same with the demon. When he let himself think about it, he was so scared. Everybody kept telling him that he wasn't going to change, really. Then there was talk of slime or tails or horns or . . . he didn't even remember all the things that could happen, even if they were unlikely. And even if nothing changed outside, he was different. Knowing this made him different in a way he couldn't pin down, couldn't describe. He just wasn't who he was before he'd known. Everything felt off.
"We'll figure it out," Willow said with a sigh. "So . . . Giles?" The name contained so many questions he wasn't sure where to start.
"Yeah. Giles," Xander sighed, shaking his head.
"Why?" Willow propped her head up on her elbow, a smile hovering around her lips. "I never thought we'd be talking about boys, by the way. Girls, maybe, but boys?"
"Yeah, well, it wasn't something I was really expecting either," Xander snorted. "Uh, why? Why Giles?"
"Yeah. Why Giles?"
"Um, because . . . God, I don't know how to do this Willow! I mean, he's a guy!"
"Okay, okay," Willow reached out her free hand, patting his shoulder. "So, why Anya? I never really got that anyway, so . . . Why Anya?"
Xander shrugged, turning onto his back and playing with the buttons on his shirt. "Well, she's beautiful . . . She's sweet. She's like . . . When she found about the Mayor's Ascension, she ran and then she came back and she . . . she wanted me to with her. She was packed, she had a car, and she said that the thought of something happening to me made her feel bad." Xander smiled at the memory. "Of course, then, when I said I couldn't go, she said she hoped I died, but that was . . . Anya's way of saying she wasn't happy."
Willow snorted at that, but it was laughter snort and Xander smiled wider. "You never told me that."
"Well, I thought we were all gonna die. More important things, ya know?"
"Yeah. I get it. So, she's sweet and beautiful and . . . ?"
"I don't know," Xander shrugged, staring at the ceiling. "Can you explain why you love Tara?"
"She's beautiful and sweet," Willow smiled at him and Xander shook his head. "She's also intelligent and I like her smile and she's fun, she makes me laugh and she's warm and caring and Tara."
"Huh. Should I have more reasons? What does it mean that I don't have that many reasons? I mean, I can have more! Anya's . . . she's . . . she's Anya. She's new to everything and it's . . . I like seeing it all with her. I like . . . the way she didn't cry at Bambi, but that she cried when she found out Darth Vader was Luke's father."
"She cried?"
"Yeah," Xander laughed, shaking his head. "I do like her Will, I just . . . sometimes I don't get her, ya know? I don't know what I'm doing or what she wants me to do. And I . . . feel like we're both just . . . there. Like, I'm just there and she's just there, so we might as well be there together. I . . . don't know."
"Sound's like you do," Willow commented with a sigh. "What about Giles?"
"I . . ." realizing she wasn't going to let it rest, Xander closed his eyes and tried not to blush. Giles was a guy. You just didn't say those sorts of things about another guy. "He's smart. He's . . . He knows about being . . . bisexual and he's funny. Like, at breakfast--"
"Breakfast?" Willow raised her eyebrows, her head coming off her hand. Xander's eyes snapped open and he looked over at Willow with a nervous smile.
"Uh, he . . . the other night, after . . . Well, Anya and I had a fight and she told me to go somewhere else to sleep, she meant come back in an hour with flowers, but anyway, I . . . didn't know where else to go--"
"You could have come here," Willow put in with a slight frown. "You know that, don't you?"
"Uh, yeah, but . . . I went to Giles' and I . . . slept on the couch." There must have been something in his voice. Willow's eyebrow rose even higher. "Um, so Giles was . . . on the couch, when I went to sleep, but . . . um, he made breakfast the next morning and I . . . um, today I took him donuts to pay him back?"
Willow gave him a look that said he was as transparent as glass. "You mean you wanted to see him to see if you still felt . . . that way?"
"Yeah," Xander sighed. "And I so did. What am I going to do?"
Willow sighed, taking her hand in his. "Well, I . . . What do you want to do?"
Xander shrugged. "If I knew that I wouldn't be asking. It's so confusing. I like Anya, really, really like Anya. And I finally, I mean I have all the things I always wanted, right? And Anya's so sweet and I would never want to hurt her. I mean, what if I break it off with Anya and then Giles doesn't . . . I don't even know if Giles . . . You know?"
"What did Giles say? I mean . . . you guys talked, right? After you and he . . . did stuff?"
"Don't say it like that!" Xander flinched. "It's not like we really did anything. I mean, okay, I kinda tried, but Giles didn't. I . . . kinda pushed, Will. Hard. Like . . . threw myself at him."
Willow's eyes widened and she sighed. "Threw yourself at him?"
"Um, well, there was pressing of bodies and . . . . kissing and there was almost-naked, both of us. No shirts and . . . I kinda took his off and--" Just thinking about it was doing things to him. Xander stopped abruptly, giving Willow a horrified look.
"Did he say anything? I mean, you guys talked about this, right?"
"Um, kinda. When I went back that night I told him that I . . . wasn't straight and that I wasn't upset about the kiss, but he deflected it, or didn't get it, or . . . And I didn't have the nerve, I mean, after earlier . . . I kinda fell asleep on him."
Willow shook her head. "What do you mean 'fell asleep on him'?"
"I was just, really tired and . . . I just wanted . . . God, this sounds so stupid, I can't even say it." Xander picked up a pillow, laying it over his lap and picking at the thread.
"Come on, Xander, you can tell me." She reached out and touched his foot, giving him a reassuring smile.
"No, really, it sounds like I'm two or something."
"Xander," Willow gave him a stern look and Xander sighed.
Closing his eyes, he blurted it out quick, feeling himself go red just at saying it. "Iwantedhimtoholdme." He didn't open his eyes to see Willows reaction, he was afraid he already knew what it would be. That 'awww' face she made whenever she thought he'd done something cute.
"Wow," Willow said, the sigh that followed kinda wistful. "Sounds, kinda intense, actually." Xander opened his eyes and saw not the 'you-did-something-cute' face, but a slightly worried one instead. "You really do like him," she sad, her forehead furrowing.
"Yeah, I kinda said that, only with a lot more embarrassing details."
"But, I thought . . . Well, I thought you just meant that you were attracted to him and it scared you because he's a guy, but you . . . you like him."
"Yeah," Xander said, his tone flat. "I'm so screwed. I am the king of screwed in the land screwedavia. Or maybe the court jester. What am I going to do, Will?"
"I . . . I don't know," she said softly, giving him a helpless look.
--Giles--
Startled when he heard a throat being cleared, Giles looked up to find Anya standing in the doorway. He stood, telling himself he had nothing to feel guilty about even as he continued to feel it. She was standing straight, her arms crossed over her stomach in a way that made her looked vulnerable, hurt. "Uh, Anya. Hello. What, uh, what can I do for you?"
"I'm not stupid," she said and the bottom dropped out of Giles' stomach.
"Of course not," Giles said seriously, taking in Anya's stance and motioning her to the sofa. His mind was running a mile a minute, but he refused to be discourteous, to leave her standing there as if this were a gun fight or a duel. She deserved more from him, especially after everything he'd done.
She sat down, carefully smoothing out her dress as Giles took a seat on the couch next to her. He sat on the edge, his hands clenched together, elbows propped on his knees. "What can I do for you?"
"I know you and Xander have been . . ." she shrugged, as if the rest was obvious and Giles felt his muscles go rigid, "I know you've been talking about me and I just . . . I want to know what's wrong." She looked up at him with slightly teary eyes. "Did I do something? Am I a bad girlfriend? I try, I do, but I don't understand some times and I don't get why he doesn't seem to understand either and . . ."
She trailed off and Giles searched for words, searched for something he could tell her that would comfort her and . . . God, what had he gotten himself into? Anya should not be here, asking him for advice on her boyfriend, on Xander. He was the last one she should be talking to, but it wasn't as if he could explain that.
"Uh, well," Giles sighed, meeting Anya's gaze and shrugging. "The truth is that Xander and I haven't actually been discussing you. Just, uh, his-his transitions and how he might be able to deal with them." And that was true, it just left out the part about his kissing Xander, and . . . God, he was a fool.
"I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say," Giles finally managed. "Xander's . . . I know you understand how confusing a time it is for him, with everything . . ." God, had Xander even told her about his revelation about his sexuality? Whatever it was, because Giles still wasn't quite clear on that. Obviously, the details hadn't gotten out, but he might have mentioned something? Finally, deciding it didn't even matter whether Xander had or hadn't discussed that with Anya, Giles took her hands between his and shook his head. "Whatever's happening, Anya, I'm certain it isn't your fault."
There was something unreadable in Anya's eyes, something sad and hard that flashed in them for a moment and then was gone. Giles noticed it, his chest tightening with the thought that he'd given something away. Then Anya's face softened and she sighed, looking down at the floor.
"I just want to help him through this," she said and Giles opened his mouth to reassure her only to be cut off by a squeaking sound from the doorway into the shop.
Giles' head snapped up and he saw Willow standing there, her eyes wide. Unsure what had caused that reaction, Giles stood, worried. "Willow? What's happened?"
"Huh?" Willow just looked at him and shrugged, shaking her head far too quickly. "Happened? Nothing's happened. Why would you think something's happened when there's nothing to happen?"
"I'm sorry?" Giles asked, forehead furrowing. He failed to hear her reply however, because Xander appeared behind her, taking in first Anya and then him. Giles saw the worry at once and at least he understood it this time. "Stock," he said, hoping the very casualness of his reply would set Xander's mind to ease. "And discussing this weekend."
"Right," Xander said, seeming to calm down only a little. "You've got camping stuff, right big guy? Willow's letting Anya borrow her sleeping bag and the little tent for . . . for us."
Giles swallowed at that, but managed not to clench any part of his anatomy, which was a bit of a feat when his mind conjured up pictures of how it would go. Anya and Xander retreating to their tent and Giles to his. Some malicious and truly demented part of his brain had to throw in an image of himself lying there alone with the sounds of Xander and Anya together as background music.
Lovely. Yes, 'Hell' had definitely been an understatement.
"Yes, I have everything I'll need," Giles replied, grateful for the sound of the bell over the shop door. He made his escape to look after the customer. By the time Giles had finished with the man, Dawn had arrived and so had Buffy.
Giles thought he might have given Buffy a bit of challenge during training that day. Unfortunately that only meant that she fought harder, which consequently meant his bruises were darker and more painful.
He managed to stay busy until everyone had left. While Giles felt as if he'd been getting slightly odd looks from everyone, he thought that, perhaps, it was only Xander and maybe Willow. It was simply so hard to tell when he worked so hard to spend most of his time in a different room.
Sighing as he unlocked his door, Giles set aside the books he'd meant to give to Xander. He'd completely forgotten. He'd tried not to be around the younger man, or at least to minimize the time he spent around Xander. While he hadn't intended to do that, at first, the presence of the others had made it a necessity. All he could think, every time he caught himself glancing in Xander's direction, was that one of the girls was going to figure it out. One of them would see through him.
The very thought made him shudder. His imagination had no trouble conjuring what would happen if they did. Xander was young enough to be his son, for god's sakes. He was vulnerable and confused and here Giles was casting longing looks at him. What respect they had for him would go right out the window, not that he could blame them, his self-respect did that almost every time Xander entered the room.
Giles didn't want to think about it any longer. It had been in his head so long that he needed, almost more than anything, a break, needed to not think. He wanted to slip into a hot, salt-laden bath and then into bed, where he would sleep and nothing more. Of course, he also wanted to wake up a few days in the past, but he wasn't going to get that.
And, as he reached for the bottle of Scotch and there was a knock at the door, Giles decided he probably wasn't going to get the long bath either. At least not for a while yet. Turning to the door, Giles found himself deeply ambivalent. He couldn't control the flare of hope that it was Xander, that he'd get to apologize for his behavior in avoiding the younger man, and that he'd get to spend some time with him without fearing his masks would be seen through by observers. Of course, he was also dreading having to explain himself, not to mention the fact that, eventually, he'd have to discuss things with Xander.
It was the only decision he'd managed to come to all day. He'd have liked to put it off a little longer, though.
"What happened to ignoring me?" he muttered to the room at large as he went to open the door. He found Xander shuffling nervously from one foot to the other. Giles tried very hard not to notice the way Xander was looking at him through his eyelashes. Because, if he were to notice, the urge to reach out and touch Xander might just overwhelm him.
"Hey," Xander said, a shy, uncertain smile lifting his lips. Giles realized he hadn't said anything, that he'd been standing there staring. He cleared his throat and tried to make his smile believable.
"Xander, hello. Uh, did you . . . need something? I was just about to--"
"Well," Xander started, speaking quickly. "It's just that I saw you limping, er, at the shop and I . . . I thought Buffy must have really kicked your butt today, so I . . ." Xander held up a jar of something that looked suspiciously like liniment.
Giles' mind was apparently feeling perverse as it immediately brought up images of Xander's hands rubbing over his many aching muscles.
"Uh," Xander shrugged, his Adam's apple bobbing with the strength of his swallow. Giles was fairly certain he shouldn't be noticing such things. "I hurt my arm, I month or so ago. You know, lifting heavy stuff, and one of the crew gave me some of this. It's like a miracle. But not a big miracle, ya know. It's not turning fish into wine, or . . . wine into frogs or--"
"Thank you," Giles found himself saying, taking the jar from Xander's hand. Giles knew he should simply tell Xander that he'd had a long day and that he'd see him some other time. Giles knew he should shut the door, take a quick, cold, shower, and retreat to his bed to lick his wounds. Unfortunately, he didn't. He stood aside so that Xander could come in.
"No problem." Some of the nervousness seemed to drain from Xander. He stepped inside and gave Giles another of those shy smiles that had Giles wanting to do highly inappropriate things. "I figured a Slayer-sized pummeling would need the big guns."
Giles snorted, shutting the door and setting the liniment down on his desk. "I suppose it was terribly obvious that I was less than impressive this evening?" Halfway to the pass-through, Giles realized it was probably inappropriate to offer Xander a Scotch and, more importantly, it would be terribly stupid. The last thing the two of them needed, Giles especially, was to be thinking less than crystal clear.
"I don't know," Xander was babbling from his place sitting on the back of the sofa. "I mean, she's a Slayer. You're pretty much lucky you're not black and blue every day. That's pretty impressive. I mean, she does kinda forget sometimes, ya know? So, it's lucky you've got all your parts. Er . . . Not that I, uh, well--"
"Xander?" Giles stepped into rescue Xander from the collapse of his own thoughts, smiling fondly as Xander blinked at him. "Would you like something to drink? Tea? Coffee? Well, no not this late, I suppose."
"Uh, no, no, I'm good. I just . . . Well, I wanted to bring that stuff over and . . ." Whatever Xander had stopped himself from saying made him blush and Giles had to pry his eyes away from the color staining Xander's neck. "And, to make sure you were okay and not sitting around being moany, er, with the pain."
He should talk to him. Giles knew he should start the talk he'd spent all day attempting to plan out in his head. But he didn't know how, or didn't want to know how. Instead Giles took a seat at his desk, stalling.
"Thank you. Training was . . . a little vigorous today," Giles said, looking up at Xander when the young man snorted.
"Vigorous? Giles, Buffy put her foot through the training dummy's stomach. That was after you worked with her and she was having a good day. You're probably black and blue under those clothes." Xander glanced away then, clearing his throat.
"I'm fine, Xander, really," Giles tried to reassure him. He found the concern comforting, actually, though he really shouldn't.
Xander gave him a disbelieving look. "Yeah and the bruise on your cheek? Fashion statement, right?"
Giles blinked, raising his hand to touch his cheek, which caused a small wince. "Er, no, but that wasn't Buffy's doing. Uh, not directly. There were flying . . . dummy-pieces."
"The dummy hit you?" Xander smiled and Giles couldn't help but return it. "You want I should beat him up?"
Giles chuckled, more pleased to see Xander smiling than he probably should be, considering. "No, I think I'll handle it myself. After the liniment kicks in."
"The what?" Xander blinked and then followed Giles' hand as he motioned to the jar Xander had brought. "Oh, that's what it's called."
Silence filled the space between them. Giles had no idea what to say and Xander seemed to be in the same boat. Just as Giles stood to put on some tea, Xander stood as well. They looked at each other for a moment. There were so many things Giles wanted to say that they rushed up and clogged his throat, making it impossible to get any of them out.
"I should go," Xander finally said and Giles' eyes were drawn to the way his Adam's apple bobbed. "You probably want to rub on some liniment and . . . Yeah. I'll just, go." Xander began walking backwards toward the door. "Uh, I hope you feel better."
"I will. Thank you, uh, for the liniment."
"Right." Xander stood by the door, making no move to open it. He shuffled, glancing around the flat and then biting his lip. "Uh . . . I'll go." Giles watched him reach for the doorknob and knew that if he asked Xander to, he would stay. The urge was there. As sore as he was, Giles would have liked the company, but he knew it wasn't as simple as that. Quashing the urge, Giles nodded.
"Good night."
"Yeah," Xander said, turning and opening the door. He stopped, though and then turned around, quick. "Okay. Look. I just, I, um . . ." Xander seemed to deflate and he sighed, looking down at the floor for a moment. Giles felt his pulse quicken, the tension in the air pressing against him. He wanted to say something, but had no idea what. Xander looked up, meeting his gaze. Those brown eyes seemed defeated, somehow. The look made Giles want to reach out, made him want to touch and reassure. "You are still going with us this weekend, right?"
"What?" Giles blinked and then nodded. "Yes. Of course."
"Okay." Xander smiled, but it wasn't the bright thing it usually was. "Thanks." And then he was gone and Giles sighed, sitting down at his desk again. He reached out, picking up the jar of liniment and staring at it.
-----
Next Part
Author: lostgirlslair
Fandom: BtVS
Pairing: Giles/Xander
Rating: R (FRM)
For full header, see Part One. Previous parts here.
--Xander--
Xander left Giles' apartment more confused than when he'd gotten there. He'd thought he'd worked it all out in his head, that it was just that Giles had been so nice to him, looked so worried and been so . . . Xander shook his head, fingers tapping against the steering wheel as he stopped at a red light.
He'd thought that he'd go there and he wouldn't feel the same now, wouldn't want to reach out and touch, wouldn't have that insane urge to kiss him, feel what it was like to . . . Xander groaned, turning toward the construction site and swearing at himself. This was stupid. This was more than stupid, it was insane. That's it. He'd lost his mind. It was the demon in him, it had to be. Okay, so, maybe, he'd kinda always thought Giles was . . . not sexy, he was not about to admit to sexy. Maybe interesting. Yeah. He'd always thought Giles was interesting. And, okay, so maybe, once or twice, when he was really horny, he might have kinda thought about a guy. Not anyone specific. Just doing . . . things with a guy. Just because the guy usually smelled like old books and tea didn't mean it was Giles. It didn't.
He parked his car and sat for a moment, staring. What was he going to do? On the one hand, there was Anya and she was beautiful and sweet and so . . . new to everything. He didn't always get her, she kept him guessing and . . . he was never really sure where he stood, never sure when he was doing something wrong. Sometimes it felt like he was just there, just along for the ride and . . . he didn't know what to do. On the other hand . . . he wasn't even sure what was on the other hand. He liked Giles and he really . . . he really liked spending time with him, but he'd been so sure that, when he saw Giles this morning, he wouldn't feel that tug in his gut and the lighted-headed rush of blood.
Then Giles hand answered the door and he'd been all just-out-of-bed and he'd smiled and . . . God, what was wrong with him? He had everything he'd always wanted. Right? Didn't he?
Realizing he was getting nowhere, and really just wanting to not think for a while, Xander finally got out of the car and headed to the site. He managed not to think, throwing himself into whatever work there was, even jobs he didn't normally do. The guys looked at him funny, but they didn't say anything, not to him anyway.
He didn't think at all. He just worked. He worked straight through the morning, when he didn't think about the fact that he was half demon, that he was what he'd hated ever since one had set up shop in his best friend's body. He worked through lunch, when he didn't think about Anya and the sad way she'd looked at him that morning. He didn't think about the way they hadn't had sex since that night. He didn't think about the way she'd kept asking what he and Giles had talked about. He worked through the rest of the day, when he most certainly didn't think about Giles, about the way he'd laughed and talked at breakfast, about the way Giles had kissed him, felt against him, looked at him.
By the end of the day he was exhausted and not just from the work. Not thinking took a lot out of a person. Sighing, he turned down the offer of a drink out with the guys on the site and headed straight for his car. The problem was that, once behind the wheel, he didn't know where to go.
Home to Anya? To Giles' place? It took him only a moment to decide, really. He turned on the engine and pulled out onto the street, his mind filled with only one thought that he'd admit to anyone. Willow. He wanted to see Willow.
She'd been less scarce, but still wrapped up in college and Tara, but . . . She was Willow and she'd help him sort this out. She'd . . . God, could he really admit to her all the things that were going on in his head? Could he really sit down and talk about this? He had with Giles, but that . . . it was different. Giles had been there, had seen him like that and still . . . touched him, smiled at him, looked at him like he was someone worth seeing, like he was still Xander.
But he couldn't talk to Giles about all of this, couldn't lay it all out and hope Giles would sort it out, not when . . . not when Giles was such a big part of it. Not when that meant laying himself open and . . . God, Giles had already turned him down once and it had hurt and . . . he couldn't do that again. He'd needed for Giles to keep looking at him like that, wanted it so bad it hurt, and Giles had handed him over to Anya.
Maybe Giles was right, though. Xander wasn't angry. He had been at first. He'd been so mad because he'd . . . he'd just thrown himself at Giles. He'd just wanted to be told it was all right, that he was all right, to have someone . . . no, not someone, Giles, he'd wanted Giles and . . .
God. I'm so screwed.
He swallowed hard, gripping the steering wheel tight as he parked outside Willow and Tara's place. He nearly raced to get there, hoping that Willow wasn't in class even though he knew she wasn't. He knew her schedule, but there was always some place else she could be. Out with Tara, out with Buffy. He knocked on the door, trying to calm himself down. He felt as if he was going to explode and had no idea what he was going to say. That was always the worst because he knew he was just going to open his mouth and it wasn't going to make sense, but he was so damn confused.
Willow opened the door, smiled and Xander walked in, spewing words before the door even closed.
"God, Will, you gotta help me! I have no idea what's happening to me and I can't fix it and it's all spinning around in my head like that time there was that fair and we nearly got sick on the rides. It's like everything's flashing by and I keep seeing myself doing things, saying things that . . . God, I shouldn't and I--Hi, Tara--and I think I’m gay." Willow and Tara both blinked at him, staring with opened mouths. The silence went on too long.
"'Cause, the other night, the one when we found out that I . . . that I’m part . . . d-demon. I went to Giles, I-I didn't tell you guys, but I just . . . I couldn't-- never want to hurt you guys. I mean, you're my Will and she's your Tara, so she's kinda my Tara by association and Anya and Buffy and I just wanted it all to go away and then it was raining and we kissed and I said I wanted to--"
"You and Giles kissed?" Willow's voice stopped him cold and Xander felt himself nodding, staring at his best friend in all the world and hoping she could make this make sense.
"And, uh, other things. I-I kinda jumped him. I was stripping out of my wet clothes and he was right there and we kinda, um, made out and I . . . kinda made him. Not like forced him, but I was . . . kinda pushy and I just . . . I don't know . . ." he trailed off, looking at Willow and Tara's shocked expressions and waiting.
"Um, I'm going to go get us s-some sandwiches. I'll go to that deli down the street and get sandwiches and-and something to drink." Tara glanced at Willow, smiled a shy smile at him, and left them alone.
Willow blinked.
Xander slumped down onto the bed and laid his head in his hands.
"You . . . and-and Giles?" The bed sank as Willow sat down on the edge. He knew her voice well enough to know that if he looked up, she'd still look shocked. "Had sex?" She whispered that last word.
"No!" Xander's head shot up out of his hands and he shook it frantically. "No. No sex, but . . . uh, that's not saying that I wasn't kinda . . . uh, h-heading that way. Giles . . . Giles wouldn't, but there, uh, there may have been touching. There was, actually, yeah, there was definitely touching and, um . . . excitement and . . . oh, God." Xander laid his head back in his hands, wanting to curl up in a corner, wishing the Hellmouth would open up under him and get it over with.
"So, you . . . do you still, uhm, like Anya?" Willow leaned against him. Her voice was still shocky, but she was trying and Xander relaxed a bit just for that.
"Anya? Yeah. I mean, I still . . . do, definitely do, but . . . I do with Giles, too."
"Oh, boy." Willow let out a long breath, laying her head on his shoulder. "Okay, so, right. Bisexual?"
Xander swallowed hard, nodding. "Yeah. I guess. A bisexual, half demon. God, why me?"
And Willow laughed, silent at first, almost holding it in and then shaking with it before it tumbled out, filling the room. Xander gave her an indignant glare, but then found the laughter contagious.
"No wonder you're a demon magnet!" Willow panted between bursts of laughter, "Something for everyone. Demon. Human. Boy. Girl."
"That's not funny!" Xander insisted, his ribs starting to ache.
"I know," she said softly, the laughter dying away. They lay there, staring at one another, Willow's face solemn. "I know. It's hard, huh? It's like suddenly your world is all upside down, but finally upside right and it's scary, 'cause it's different and it's new and there's this whole big new thing looming over you and you don't know how to make everything feel . . . well worn again."
"Yeah," Xander sighed, wondering how Willow could always come up with just the right thing to say. She knew what he was going through with the whole Giles thing, or mostly knew, but it was the same with the demon. When he let himself think about it, he was so scared. Everybody kept telling him that he wasn't going to change, really. Then there was talk of slime or tails or horns or . . . he didn't even remember all the things that could happen, even if they were unlikely. And even if nothing changed outside, he was different. Knowing this made him different in a way he couldn't pin down, couldn't describe. He just wasn't who he was before he'd known. Everything felt off.
"We'll figure it out," Willow said with a sigh. "So . . . Giles?" The name contained so many questions he wasn't sure where to start.
"Yeah. Giles," Xander sighed, shaking his head.
"Why?" Willow propped her head up on her elbow, a smile hovering around her lips. "I never thought we'd be talking about boys, by the way. Girls, maybe, but boys?"
"Yeah, well, it wasn't something I was really expecting either," Xander snorted. "Uh, why? Why Giles?"
"Yeah. Why Giles?"
"Um, because . . . God, I don't know how to do this Willow! I mean, he's a guy!"
"Okay, okay," Willow reached out her free hand, patting his shoulder. "So, why Anya? I never really got that anyway, so . . . Why Anya?"
Xander shrugged, turning onto his back and playing with the buttons on his shirt. "Well, she's beautiful . . . She's sweet. She's like . . . When she found about the Mayor's Ascension, she ran and then she came back and she . . . she wanted me to with her. She was packed, she had a car, and she said that the thought of something happening to me made her feel bad." Xander smiled at the memory. "Of course, then, when I said I couldn't go, she said she hoped I died, but that was . . . Anya's way of saying she wasn't happy."
Willow snorted at that, but it was laughter snort and Xander smiled wider. "You never told me that."
"Well, I thought we were all gonna die. More important things, ya know?"
"Yeah. I get it. So, she's sweet and beautiful and . . . ?"
"I don't know," Xander shrugged, staring at the ceiling. "Can you explain why you love Tara?"
"She's beautiful and sweet," Willow smiled at him and Xander shook his head. "She's also intelligent and I like her smile and she's fun, she makes me laugh and she's warm and caring and Tara."
"Huh. Should I have more reasons? What does it mean that I don't have that many reasons? I mean, I can have more! Anya's . . . she's . . . she's Anya. She's new to everything and it's . . . I like seeing it all with her. I like . . . the way she didn't cry at Bambi, but that she cried when she found out Darth Vader was Luke's father."
"She cried?"
"Yeah," Xander laughed, shaking his head. "I do like her Will, I just . . . sometimes I don't get her, ya know? I don't know what I'm doing or what she wants me to do. And I . . . feel like we're both just . . . there. Like, I'm just there and she's just there, so we might as well be there together. I . . . don't know."
"Sound's like you do," Willow commented with a sigh. "What about Giles?"
"I . . ." realizing she wasn't going to let it rest, Xander closed his eyes and tried not to blush. Giles was a guy. You just didn't say those sorts of things about another guy. "He's smart. He's . . . He knows about being . . . bisexual and he's funny. Like, at breakfast--"
"Breakfast?" Willow raised her eyebrows, her head coming off her hand. Xander's eyes snapped open and he looked over at Willow with a nervous smile.
"Uh, he . . . the other night, after . . . Well, Anya and I had a fight and she told me to go somewhere else to sleep, she meant come back in an hour with flowers, but anyway, I . . . didn't know where else to go--"
"You could have come here," Willow put in with a slight frown. "You know that, don't you?"
"Uh, yeah, but . . . I went to Giles' and I . . . slept on the couch." There must have been something in his voice. Willow's eyebrow rose even higher. "Um, so Giles was . . . on the couch, when I went to sleep, but . . . um, he made breakfast the next morning and I . . . um, today I took him donuts to pay him back?"
Willow gave him a look that said he was as transparent as glass. "You mean you wanted to see him to see if you still felt . . . that way?"
"Yeah," Xander sighed. "And I so did. What am I going to do?"
Willow sighed, taking her hand in his. "Well, I . . . What do you want to do?"
Xander shrugged. "If I knew that I wouldn't be asking. It's so confusing. I like Anya, really, really like Anya. And I finally, I mean I have all the things I always wanted, right? And Anya's so sweet and I would never want to hurt her. I mean, what if I break it off with Anya and then Giles doesn't . . . I don't even know if Giles . . . You know?"
"What did Giles say? I mean . . . you guys talked, right? After you and he . . . did stuff?"
"Don't say it like that!" Xander flinched. "It's not like we really did anything. I mean, okay, I kinda tried, but Giles didn't. I . . . kinda pushed, Will. Hard. Like . . . threw myself at him."
Willow's eyes widened and she sighed. "Threw yourself at him?"
"Um, well, there was pressing of bodies and . . . . kissing and there was almost-naked, both of us. No shirts and . . . I kinda took his off and--" Just thinking about it was doing things to him. Xander stopped abruptly, giving Willow a horrified look.
"Did he say anything? I mean, you guys talked about this, right?"
"Um, kinda. When I went back that night I told him that I . . . wasn't straight and that I wasn't upset about the kiss, but he deflected it, or didn't get it, or . . . And I didn't have the nerve, I mean, after earlier . . . I kinda fell asleep on him."
Willow shook her head. "What do you mean 'fell asleep on him'?"
"I was just, really tired and . . . I just wanted . . . God, this sounds so stupid, I can't even say it." Xander picked up a pillow, laying it over his lap and picking at the thread.
"Come on, Xander, you can tell me." She reached out and touched his foot, giving him a reassuring smile.
"No, really, it sounds like I'm two or something."
"Xander," Willow gave him a stern look and Xander sighed.
Closing his eyes, he blurted it out quick, feeling himself go red just at saying it. "Iwantedhimtoholdme." He didn't open his eyes to see Willows reaction, he was afraid he already knew what it would be. That 'awww' face she made whenever she thought he'd done something cute.
"Wow," Willow said, the sigh that followed kinda wistful. "Sounds, kinda intense, actually." Xander opened his eyes and saw not the 'you-did-something-cute' face, but a slightly worried one instead. "You really do like him," she sad, her forehead furrowing.
"Yeah, I kinda said that, only with a lot more embarrassing details."
"But, I thought . . . Well, I thought you just meant that you were attracted to him and it scared you because he's a guy, but you . . . you like him."
"Yeah," Xander said, his tone flat. "I'm so screwed. I am the king of screwed in the land screwedavia. Or maybe the court jester. What am I going to do, Will?"
"I . . . I don't know," she said softly, giving him a helpless look.
--Giles--
Startled when he heard a throat being cleared, Giles looked up to find Anya standing in the doorway. He stood, telling himself he had nothing to feel guilty about even as he continued to feel it. She was standing straight, her arms crossed over her stomach in a way that made her looked vulnerable, hurt. "Uh, Anya. Hello. What, uh, what can I do for you?"
"I'm not stupid," she said and the bottom dropped out of Giles' stomach.
"Of course not," Giles said seriously, taking in Anya's stance and motioning her to the sofa. His mind was running a mile a minute, but he refused to be discourteous, to leave her standing there as if this were a gun fight or a duel. She deserved more from him, especially after everything he'd done.
She sat down, carefully smoothing out her dress as Giles took a seat on the couch next to her. He sat on the edge, his hands clenched together, elbows propped on his knees. "What can I do for you?"
"I know you and Xander have been . . ." she shrugged, as if the rest was obvious and Giles felt his muscles go rigid, "I know you've been talking about me and I just . . . I want to know what's wrong." She looked up at him with slightly teary eyes. "Did I do something? Am I a bad girlfriend? I try, I do, but I don't understand some times and I don't get why he doesn't seem to understand either and . . ."
She trailed off and Giles searched for words, searched for something he could tell her that would comfort her and . . . God, what had he gotten himself into? Anya should not be here, asking him for advice on her boyfriend, on Xander. He was the last one she should be talking to, but it wasn't as if he could explain that.
"Uh, well," Giles sighed, meeting Anya's gaze and shrugging. "The truth is that Xander and I haven't actually been discussing you. Just, uh, his-his transitions and how he might be able to deal with them." And that was true, it just left out the part about his kissing Xander, and . . . God, he was a fool.
"I'm sorry, but I don't know what to say," Giles finally managed. "Xander's . . . I know you understand how confusing a time it is for him, with everything . . ." God, had Xander even told her about his revelation about his sexuality? Whatever it was, because Giles still wasn't quite clear on that. Obviously, the details hadn't gotten out, but he might have mentioned something? Finally, deciding it didn't even matter whether Xander had or hadn't discussed that with Anya, Giles took her hands between his and shook his head. "Whatever's happening, Anya, I'm certain it isn't your fault."
There was something unreadable in Anya's eyes, something sad and hard that flashed in them for a moment and then was gone. Giles noticed it, his chest tightening with the thought that he'd given something away. Then Anya's face softened and she sighed, looking down at the floor.
"I just want to help him through this," she said and Giles opened his mouth to reassure her only to be cut off by a squeaking sound from the doorway into the shop.
Giles' head snapped up and he saw Willow standing there, her eyes wide. Unsure what had caused that reaction, Giles stood, worried. "Willow? What's happened?"
"Huh?" Willow just looked at him and shrugged, shaking her head far too quickly. "Happened? Nothing's happened. Why would you think something's happened when there's nothing to happen?"
"I'm sorry?" Giles asked, forehead furrowing. He failed to hear her reply however, because Xander appeared behind her, taking in first Anya and then him. Giles saw the worry at once and at least he understood it this time. "Stock," he said, hoping the very casualness of his reply would set Xander's mind to ease. "And discussing this weekend."
"Right," Xander said, seeming to calm down only a little. "You've got camping stuff, right big guy? Willow's letting Anya borrow her sleeping bag and the little tent for . . . for us."
Giles swallowed at that, but managed not to clench any part of his anatomy, which was a bit of a feat when his mind conjured up pictures of how it would go. Anya and Xander retreating to their tent and Giles to his. Some malicious and truly demented part of his brain had to throw in an image of himself lying there alone with the sounds of Xander and Anya together as background music.
Lovely. Yes, 'Hell' had definitely been an understatement.
"Yes, I have everything I'll need," Giles replied, grateful for the sound of the bell over the shop door. He made his escape to look after the customer. By the time Giles had finished with the man, Dawn had arrived and so had Buffy.
Giles thought he might have given Buffy a bit of challenge during training that day. Unfortunately that only meant that she fought harder, which consequently meant his bruises were darker and more painful.
He managed to stay busy until everyone had left. While Giles felt as if he'd been getting slightly odd looks from everyone, he thought that, perhaps, it was only Xander and maybe Willow. It was simply so hard to tell when he worked so hard to spend most of his time in a different room.
Sighing as he unlocked his door, Giles set aside the books he'd meant to give to Xander. He'd completely forgotten. He'd tried not to be around the younger man, or at least to minimize the time he spent around Xander. While he hadn't intended to do that, at first, the presence of the others had made it a necessity. All he could think, every time he caught himself glancing in Xander's direction, was that one of the girls was going to figure it out. One of them would see through him.
The very thought made him shudder. His imagination had no trouble conjuring what would happen if they did. Xander was young enough to be his son, for god's sakes. He was vulnerable and confused and here Giles was casting longing looks at him. What respect they had for him would go right out the window, not that he could blame them, his self-respect did that almost every time Xander entered the room.
Giles didn't want to think about it any longer. It had been in his head so long that he needed, almost more than anything, a break, needed to not think. He wanted to slip into a hot, salt-laden bath and then into bed, where he would sleep and nothing more. Of course, he also wanted to wake up a few days in the past, but he wasn't going to get that.
And, as he reached for the bottle of Scotch and there was a knock at the door, Giles decided he probably wasn't going to get the long bath either. At least not for a while yet. Turning to the door, Giles found himself deeply ambivalent. He couldn't control the flare of hope that it was Xander, that he'd get to apologize for his behavior in avoiding the younger man, and that he'd get to spend some time with him without fearing his masks would be seen through by observers. Of course, he was also dreading having to explain himself, not to mention the fact that, eventually, he'd have to discuss things with Xander.
It was the only decision he'd managed to come to all day. He'd have liked to put it off a little longer, though.
"What happened to ignoring me?" he muttered to the room at large as he went to open the door. He found Xander shuffling nervously from one foot to the other. Giles tried very hard not to notice the way Xander was looking at him through his eyelashes. Because, if he were to notice, the urge to reach out and touch Xander might just overwhelm him.
"Hey," Xander said, a shy, uncertain smile lifting his lips. Giles realized he hadn't said anything, that he'd been standing there staring. He cleared his throat and tried to make his smile believable.
"Xander, hello. Uh, did you . . . need something? I was just about to--"
"Well," Xander started, speaking quickly. "It's just that I saw you limping, er, at the shop and I . . . I thought Buffy must have really kicked your butt today, so I . . ." Xander held up a jar of something that looked suspiciously like liniment.
Giles' mind was apparently feeling perverse as it immediately brought up images of Xander's hands rubbing over his many aching muscles.
"Uh," Xander shrugged, his Adam's apple bobbing with the strength of his swallow. Giles was fairly certain he shouldn't be noticing such things. "I hurt my arm, I month or so ago. You know, lifting heavy stuff, and one of the crew gave me some of this. It's like a miracle. But not a big miracle, ya know. It's not turning fish into wine, or . . . wine into frogs or--"
"Thank you," Giles found himself saying, taking the jar from Xander's hand. Giles knew he should simply tell Xander that he'd had a long day and that he'd see him some other time. Giles knew he should shut the door, take a quick, cold, shower, and retreat to his bed to lick his wounds. Unfortunately, he didn't. He stood aside so that Xander could come in.
"No problem." Some of the nervousness seemed to drain from Xander. He stepped inside and gave Giles another of those shy smiles that had Giles wanting to do highly inappropriate things. "I figured a Slayer-sized pummeling would need the big guns."
Giles snorted, shutting the door and setting the liniment down on his desk. "I suppose it was terribly obvious that I was less than impressive this evening?" Halfway to the pass-through, Giles realized it was probably inappropriate to offer Xander a Scotch and, more importantly, it would be terribly stupid. The last thing the two of them needed, Giles especially, was to be thinking less than crystal clear.
"I don't know," Xander was babbling from his place sitting on the back of the sofa. "I mean, she's a Slayer. You're pretty much lucky you're not black and blue every day. That's pretty impressive. I mean, she does kinda forget sometimes, ya know? So, it's lucky you've got all your parts. Er . . . Not that I, uh, well--"
"Xander?" Giles stepped into rescue Xander from the collapse of his own thoughts, smiling fondly as Xander blinked at him. "Would you like something to drink? Tea? Coffee? Well, no not this late, I suppose."
"Uh, no, no, I'm good. I just . . . Well, I wanted to bring that stuff over and . . ." Whatever Xander had stopped himself from saying made him blush and Giles had to pry his eyes away from the color staining Xander's neck. "And, to make sure you were okay and not sitting around being moany, er, with the pain."
He should talk to him. Giles knew he should start the talk he'd spent all day attempting to plan out in his head. But he didn't know how, or didn't want to know how. Instead Giles took a seat at his desk, stalling.
"Thank you. Training was . . . a little vigorous today," Giles said, looking up at Xander when the young man snorted.
"Vigorous? Giles, Buffy put her foot through the training dummy's stomach. That was after you worked with her and she was having a good day. You're probably black and blue under those clothes." Xander glanced away then, clearing his throat.
"I'm fine, Xander, really," Giles tried to reassure him. He found the concern comforting, actually, though he really shouldn't.
Xander gave him a disbelieving look. "Yeah and the bruise on your cheek? Fashion statement, right?"
Giles blinked, raising his hand to touch his cheek, which caused a small wince. "Er, no, but that wasn't Buffy's doing. Uh, not directly. There were flying . . . dummy-pieces."
"The dummy hit you?" Xander smiled and Giles couldn't help but return it. "You want I should beat him up?"
Giles chuckled, more pleased to see Xander smiling than he probably should be, considering. "No, I think I'll handle it myself. After the liniment kicks in."
"The what?" Xander blinked and then followed Giles' hand as he motioned to the jar Xander had brought. "Oh, that's what it's called."
Silence filled the space between them. Giles had no idea what to say and Xander seemed to be in the same boat. Just as Giles stood to put on some tea, Xander stood as well. They looked at each other for a moment. There were so many things Giles wanted to say that they rushed up and clogged his throat, making it impossible to get any of them out.
"I should go," Xander finally said and Giles' eyes were drawn to the way his Adam's apple bobbed. "You probably want to rub on some liniment and . . . Yeah. I'll just, go." Xander began walking backwards toward the door. "Uh, I hope you feel better."
"I will. Thank you, uh, for the liniment."
"Right." Xander stood by the door, making no move to open it. He shuffled, glancing around the flat and then biting his lip. "Uh . . . I'll go." Giles watched him reach for the doorknob and knew that if he asked Xander to, he would stay. The urge was there. As sore as he was, Giles would have liked the company, but he knew it wasn't as simple as that. Quashing the urge, Giles nodded.
"Good night."
"Yeah," Xander said, turning and opening the door. He stopped, though and then turned around, quick. "Okay. Look. I just, I, um . . ." Xander seemed to deflate and he sighed, looking down at the floor for a moment. Giles felt his pulse quicken, the tension in the air pressing against him. He wanted to say something, but had no idea what. Xander looked up, meeting his gaze. Those brown eyes seemed defeated, somehow. The look made Giles want to reach out, made him want to touch and reassure. "You are still going with us this weekend, right?"
"What?" Giles blinked and then nodded. "Yes. Of course."
"Okay." Xander smiled, but it wasn't the bright thing it usually was. "Thanks." And then he was gone and Giles sighed, sitting down at his desk again. He reached out, picking up the jar of liniment and staring at it.
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