about a internet
no, I don't know why I shout on th Internet so much. Or sometimes spell it this way, and sometimes that. Because we can. Because we have as much freedom as we want to carve out for ourselves, here. If we wanted to, we could dig a shallow ditch, read Th Onion once a week and that's it, and get a natural tan. Or we could talk all day and all of th night--because that's th greatest drug of all--and stop only to run hot water over our stupid aching hands. Simon gave me th telephone number for a neurologist located right here in Hickzville. She's Russian. She could help me w/ th carpal tunnel syndrome. I swear I'm not afraid of doctors. I swear I'm not stuck. It's gotten to th point that no matter what time it is, there are @ least a couple people out there who ARE AWAKE and who WILL TALK TO ME.
There are all th East Coast night owls. When they (finally) go to sleep, th West Coast night owls fill th void. By th time all of America's asleep, th UK people are well into their day, hello there, teabags (and happy birthday)! Th Philippines folkers are perfectly 12 hours in th future, and international txt msgs via cell phone are a miracle. Ah'll talk 2U in th middle of a staff mtg @ work, ah'll talk 2U from a hammock in Puerto Rico (where ah'm allegedly relaxing and getting away), ah'll talk 2U @ 4:00 in th a.m., as ah done last night, 'cos U woke me up for th one zillionth time. In other words, there is no getting away, if I can help it.
Ah'll talk 2U illegally, from my car (still legal in VA, but not in D.C.): day B4 yesterday, ah talked to Adam, Gordon's bruddah, after a leisurely 2-week-long game of telephone tag.
"Don't get me wrong, th past month and a half has been difficult, it's been one of th saddest things, ah don't even know--ah mean, it's still a odd mix of FEELINGS, even now--but ah never FELT LIKE this is just how it is, and it'll never get better, so ah reckon ah ain't knowed depression, ah reckon ah never did nor ever will understand Gordon."
"We used to talk about it a lot, I mean a lot, 'cos I been through some of that stuff, too, especially in my early 20s--you know, what the fuck is this, I'm living a lie, the only way I am able to function is by lying to myself--"
"Yeah, I got that impression from reading yr Sad Animals comix."
"Hahaha yeah--"
"I was all, while readin' that, Whoa yeah this is funny, but this guy has BEEN THERE."
"Haha sure, sure."
"But you was sayin', about conversing w/ Gordon. I mean, you probably talked to him about THOSE FEELINGS more than anyone else done."
"Oh, yeah, but I could follow him only up until a certain point: I stopped short of defining myself by those feelings, or thinking I wasn't bigger than those feelings. Or romanticizing them, you know? I think he thought happy people were happy because they were dumb, and if you were smart, OF COURSE you'd be sad."
"No, I hear ya, mane. There's also a upside to that: I never met a person more compassionate toward crazy people or depressed people, than Gordon. I admired that in him. Ah remember he'd get angry when people would offhandedly dismiss th, uh, nutjobs of humanity."
"Sure, he could be real nice to people, real caring, but I think he'd question himself about that, too--like it couldn't possibly be because he actually liked people, that it always turned out selfish, in the end. He was--I think he really couldn't deal with the duality in himself."
"Man, fuck that. Everyone's mean sometimes. You like people because you fucking like people, that's it, asshole, you want to do nice things because it's nice."
"I know."
"It makes me angry, mane. Yuh knowed, lately, every time I see a good movie or read good comix, or even just read something funny on th stupid Internet, or it's just a pleasant day like today, I think, Motherfucker, you gave up on this?"
YOU ARE BIGGER THAN YR FEELINGS. YOU AIN'T HERE.
There are all th East Coast night owls. When they (finally) go to sleep, th West Coast night owls fill th void. By th time all of America's asleep, th UK people are well into their day, hello there, teabags (and happy birthday)! Th Philippines folkers are perfectly 12 hours in th future, and international txt msgs via cell phone are a miracle. Ah'll talk 2U in th middle of a staff mtg @ work, ah'll talk 2U from a hammock in Puerto Rico (where ah'm allegedly relaxing and getting away), ah'll talk 2U @ 4:00 in th a.m., as ah done last night, 'cos U woke me up for th one zillionth time. In other words, there is no getting away, if I can help it.
Ah'll talk 2U illegally, from my car (still legal in VA, but not in D.C.): day B4 yesterday, ah talked to Adam, Gordon's bruddah, after a leisurely 2-week-long game of telephone tag.
"Don't get me wrong, th past month and a half has been difficult, it's been one of th saddest things, ah don't even know--ah mean, it's still a odd mix of FEELINGS, even now--but ah never FELT LIKE this is just how it is, and it'll never get better, so ah reckon ah ain't knowed depression, ah reckon ah never did nor ever will understand Gordon."
"We used to talk about it a lot, I mean a lot, 'cos I been through some of that stuff, too, especially in my early 20s--you know, what the fuck is this, I'm living a lie, the only way I am able to function is by lying to myself--"
"Yeah, I got that impression from reading yr Sad Animals comix."
"Hahaha yeah--"
"I was all, while readin' that, Whoa yeah this is funny, but this guy has BEEN THERE."
"Haha sure, sure."
"But you was sayin', about conversing w/ Gordon. I mean, you probably talked to him about THOSE FEELINGS more than anyone else done."
"Oh, yeah, but I could follow him only up until a certain point: I stopped short of defining myself by those feelings, or thinking I wasn't bigger than those feelings. Or romanticizing them, you know? I think he thought happy people were happy because they were dumb, and if you were smart, OF COURSE you'd be sad."
"No, I hear ya, mane. There's also a upside to that: I never met a person more compassionate toward crazy people or depressed people, than Gordon. I admired that in him. Ah remember he'd get angry when people would offhandedly dismiss th, uh, nutjobs of humanity."
"Sure, he could be real nice to people, real caring, but I think he'd question himself about that, too--like it couldn't possibly be because he actually liked people, that it always turned out selfish, in the end. He was--I think he really couldn't deal with the duality in himself."
"Man, fuck that. Everyone's mean sometimes. You like people because you fucking like people, that's it, asshole, you want to do nice things because it's nice."
"I know."
"It makes me angry, mane. Yuh knowed, lately, every time I see a good movie or read good comix, or even just read something funny on th stupid Internet, or it's just a pleasant day like today, I think, Motherfucker, you gave up on this?"
YOU ARE BIGGER THAN YR FEELINGS. YOU AIN'T HERE.