Scatterbrain(ed)(s)
I have had probably one of the worst starts to my week of all year. Its amazing how easily it is for the 'good stuff' to slip away. Seriously just a matter of hours. I think that its all just been building up from my worry over the musical. I dont think people can understand why I want this so bad, to be tech director. Doing it for Guys and Dolls was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. And then their is the ultra-stressful school week. Seriously this not being off until the day before Christmas thing is a load of horse shit. Its killing me, I have quite a few things left to do before Christmas shows up and between work and school I have no chance to do them. Not to mention the hard week my teachers decided this was going to be. Who does that? And just like social stresses, relationships in my life have gone through a dynamic change lately and I'm not quite sure why. Its me, I know its me all these different people couldnt change at once. I think I'm alot more emotional now, I suppose. I mean freshman year I was a stonewall. I couldnt even cry, it wasnt something I tried for, I just felt hollow and times when it felt like I should be, and I should have felt something, I just felt hollow. And that probably sounds stupid unless you've experienced it, but it really can happen. Now it seems like I'm a raging torrent of emotion. I still dont know if I'm quite were a person should be. I've only cried when people have died this past year, but I figure thats better than nothing. I use crying as a symbol of my emotional maturity just because its an obvious symbol for saddness thats to detect, I've also become happier, less like a shell and more a person. I have to stop doing this to myself, I build walls for myself, I make choices without understanding the choice. I think I'm self absorbed, if I could just live a life outside of myself, outside of influences and currents, I would be grand. Maybe if I had some all prevading ideology. I consider myself a Christian, I really do, but something in me utterly rejects leaning entirely on...something I cant even define. Faith. I dont know what to do with myself, I dont even know if their is something I should be doing. Its almost like Im trapped by not static. It all comes down to my lack of trust maybe? I have a hard time letting anyone in on anything, mostly my thoughts and actions. I hate being used/played and thats all openness seems to get me. I think I represent myself as open pretty easily, but, fuck, you have no idea. I'm tired.