(no subject)
Things starting out pretty good.iam feeling alittle under the wearth but i guess my body is still trying to get use to the florida air.You know its sad when i go to bed all i can think about is kevin.it drives me insane.i cant help but to blame myself for what ive done but i know it was the right thing to do i swer it was but i miss the wormth of is body the way he smelled and the way he held me at night.its really hard at night.ive always known that i would die alone in my sleep but for once in any relationship i can say that he was apart of me.i wasnt shy or afread to tell him how i felt he never pushed my feelings away.
my mother is telling me that its ok to have mixs feeling right now.they will all soon will go away once you see your little boy.but i dont wont them to go away.i wont him back in my life.i dont wont someone different.i wont kevin,he loved me for how i was and thats all that has ever mattered to me.i understand that sooner or later i have to let him go.but damnit iam getting really tired of having to let the men in my life go.iam TIRED!!! iam so fucking tired of feeling alone in this fucked up world.
A long time ago i made a promise to myself that when ever i have my frist child that i would do anything in order to have his father in his life.i dont know if kevin is willing to have his son in his.there is know way for me to find out if i can speak to him.i have a thousand questions for him.but there is know way for them to get answered.I HATE THIS!!theres not very many people that can understand all of this.they may say they do but what i have gone though is so much more then a bad dream.
All i ever want was to have a dad.and i feel like iam repeating my family history.NO dad...N family that complete..iam not going to lie i really wonted to have a dad in my life.ive always said fuck my dad but now that i look at it.thats all i ever wonted was my father to be there for me.i know thats why i have man problems b/c its a proven fact that girls look for men that have a characterists of there fathers.my father wasnt the greatest and i understand that,my step father was just the same like my dad and i really dont wont to believe that kevin is like them.i some times wont to place a mirror in front of him so that if he would re-act in any matter of the men that were like them i would have gotten rid of him a long time ago.but to you the truth ive never had a problem with him till now.WHY now???
I know that every thing happens for a reason but It didnt have to happen now,trust me It didnt.I really needed to have him,body,mind,and soul.damn i really hate being lost.and iam more then lost for about 2 weeks straight i felt so many emotions that i havent felt before that all i wanted to do was the last thing that i havent done in so many years.and i know that everyone would have killed me for it.and i knew that if i did what i really wanted to do i wouldnt have been the best mother to my son.and you guys let me tell you that i cant wait till i have him to myself.i dont understand this love that i have for him.its no other love then the best.ever kick punch or strech he makes me butter up like a light bulb.
well iam going to go now b/c i have nothing better to do but site on my ass and wait for that phone call.that phone call that could be for better or for worse.now i remember why i hate fucking phones. love always panda
my mother is telling me that its ok to have mixs feeling right now.they will all soon will go away once you see your little boy.but i dont wont them to go away.i wont him back in my life.i dont wont someone different.i wont kevin,he loved me for how i was and thats all that has ever mattered to me.i understand that sooner or later i have to let him go.but damnit iam getting really tired of having to let the men in my life go.iam TIRED!!! iam so fucking tired of feeling alone in this fucked up world.
A long time ago i made a promise to myself that when ever i have my frist child that i would do anything in order to have his father in his life.i dont know if kevin is willing to have his son in his.there is know way for me to find out if i can speak to him.i have a thousand questions for him.but there is know way for them to get answered.I HATE THIS!!theres not very many people that can understand all of this.they may say they do but what i have gone though is so much more then a bad dream.
All i ever want was to have a dad.and i feel like iam repeating my family history.NO dad...N family that complete..iam not going to lie i really wonted to have a dad in my life.ive always said fuck my dad but now that i look at it.thats all i ever wonted was my father to be there for me.i know thats why i have man problems b/c its a proven fact that girls look for men that have a characterists of there fathers.my father wasnt the greatest and i understand that,my step father was just the same like my dad and i really dont wont to believe that kevin is like them.i some times wont to place a mirror in front of him so that if he would re-act in any matter of the men that were like them i would have gotten rid of him a long time ago.but to you the truth ive never had a problem with him till now.WHY now???
I know that every thing happens for a reason but It didnt have to happen now,trust me It didnt.I really needed to have him,body,mind,and soul.damn i really hate being lost.and iam more then lost for about 2 weeks straight i felt so many emotions that i havent felt before that all i wanted to do was the last thing that i havent done in so many years.and i know that everyone would have killed me for it.and i knew that if i did what i really wanted to do i wouldnt have been the best mother to my son.and you guys let me tell you that i cant wait till i have him to myself.i dont understand this love that i have for him.its no other love then the best.ever kick punch or strech he makes me butter up like a light bulb.
well iam going to go now b/c i have nothing better to do but site on my ass and wait for that phone call.that phone call that could be for better or for worse.now i remember why i hate fucking phones. love always panda