He said it....Always the best for last.
Yeh... I deleted everything my journal as you might notice... I decided I couldn't really start over anywhere with the most emotion-filled moments of my past staring back at me. Therefore, gone. I just need to start writing here when I'm filled with better feelings... instead of morose, sullen, irate and depressed entries. What bugged me most is more than likely, the things I wrote of at times that I know no longer have of believe in, what a slap in the face...
So.. I'm finally getting my car all put together, and I'll be able to drive around in the beauty of a bitch in less than a week, how rad is that? Mhmm. My current life situation is rather weird... I don't know where I am going or what I am doing, to be honest, yet I believe thats the way it is for many people.
Lately I've been messing around with my new spiffy-ass-totally-better-than-yours new camera =) I love it... I can't wait to get some black and white film rolls, then it shall be even better. Art is beautiful... yet, I've always been better and finding and seeing beauty, that creating it... So, photography is my little niche. Also, my sleeping is getting worse... and by sleeping, I mean the lack of. I really have only have 5 hours of sleep in the past week. Ambien doesn't work either, just like all the other pills that didn't do shit. So to take up my excess spare time.. I've taken on the task of drawing Bettie Page poses I find online. How grand..
Tonight, he looked at me, softly put my hair behind my ear.. and with his palm on my face he said it. "I love you.." I couldn't help but smile, but I looked at him, I'm sure, with almost a surprised facial expression. My mind stumbled over words... and this is what came out
"..You love me?.."
"Yes.."
"Heh, when did you decide this?"
"A while ago.. I just didn't know when to tell you."
"Hmm...
::long pause.. mutual staring::
Well, you know... I love you back."
And then he smiled at me.
That smile that melts me.
Now I really know this is when I can get hurt. I was almost afraid to say it. And by almost afraid I really mean scared shitless. But I meant it...It does feel nice though, to have something so valuable to lose.. I know eventually it will leave, but pain is only temporary. So, I give him a piece of my heart, and when it come time for him to break it, I will gladly let it happen. Now I sit here with my thoughts and the little stuffed animal out of a crane-machine that this someone got me... This 2 dollar animal that he spent 10 on just trying to get it out, and I can do nothing but hold it close. I know I won't have him forever, but I rather have him for as long as I can than to not feel this, and not have him at all. If nothing else, he will be a beautiful memory when time has passed us by.
"I'd burn alive to keep you warm
When you're alone
Shiver under blankets
In the basement where our secrets sleep
You pour the liquor on the staircase, girl
Pass the flask and close your eyes
Are you grieving for what we've become?
Are you running from that room?
We set the evidence on fire
We light cigarettes and chase out old regrets
Are you grieving for tonight?
I smell the sulfur on her skin (breathe in)
Yesterday will be the end of you and I
Yesterday will be the end of shoulders where we rest our head
Now we grieve for tomorrow goes on without us
Now we breathe for no one else
Everything is broken
Slowly sinking under
Waiting for tomorrow
Waiting for the grave to tell me that she's lonely
Open up and hold me slowly
Feel my body becoming one and only
Death is just an excuse to forget you
Now we run from ourselves
Hope lies not in the mirror
I'll burn alive for you"
-Kelli
So.. I'm finally getting my car all put together, and I'll be able to drive around in the beauty of a bitch in less than a week, how rad is that? Mhmm. My current life situation is rather weird... I don't know where I am going or what I am doing, to be honest, yet I believe thats the way it is for many people.
Lately I've been messing around with my new spiffy-ass-totally-better-than-yours new camera =) I love it... I can't wait to get some black and white film rolls, then it shall be even better. Art is beautiful... yet, I've always been better and finding and seeing beauty, that creating it... So, photography is my little niche. Also, my sleeping is getting worse... and by sleeping, I mean the lack of. I really have only have 5 hours of sleep in the past week. Ambien doesn't work either, just like all the other pills that didn't do shit. So to take up my excess spare time.. I've taken on the task of drawing Bettie Page poses I find online. How grand..
Tonight, he looked at me, softly put my hair behind my ear.. and with his palm on my face he said it. "I love you.." I couldn't help but smile, but I looked at him, I'm sure, with almost a surprised facial expression. My mind stumbled over words... and this is what came out
"..You love me?.."
"Yes.."
"Heh, when did you decide this?"
"A while ago.. I just didn't know when to tell you."
"Hmm...
::long pause.. mutual staring::
Well, you know... I love you back."
And then he smiled at me.
That smile that melts me.
Now I really know this is when I can get hurt. I was almost afraid to say it. And by almost afraid I really mean scared shitless. But I meant it...It does feel nice though, to have something so valuable to lose.. I know eventually it will leave, but pain is only temporary. So, I give him a piece of my heart, and when it come time for him to break it, I will gladly let it happen. Now I sit here with my thoughts and the little stuffed animal out of a crane-machine that this someone got me... This 2 dollar animal that he spent 10 on just trying to get it out, and I can do nothing but hold it close. I know I won't have him forever, but I rather have him for as long as I can than to not feel this, and not have him at all. If nothing else, he will be a beautiful memory when time has passed us by.
"I'd burn alive to keep you warm
When you're alone
Shiver under blankets
In the basement where our secrets sleep
You pour the liquor on the staircase, girl
Pass the flask and close your eyes
Are you grieving for what we've become?
Are you running from that room?
We set the evidence on fire
We light cigarettes and chase out old regrets
Are you grieving for tonight?
I smell the sulfur on her skin (breathe in)
Yesterday will be the end of you and I
Yesterday will be the end of shoulders where we rest our head
Now we grieve for tomorrow goes on without us
Now we breathe for no one else
Everything is broken
Slowly sinking under
Waiting for tomorrow
Waiting for the grave to tell me that she's lonely
Open up and hold me slowly
Feel my body becoming one and only
Death is just an excuse to forget you
Now we run from ourselves
Hope lies not in the mirror
I'll burn alive for you"
-Kelli