Fic: Of Antiques and Aliens
Written in the crossover meme for clocketpatch, who requested Ten and Mr Darcy. I'm sorry, this is very daft (and yet not quite daft enough), but it's the one scene that I had in my head. I nearly complied with all the meme's rules this time, except I had to sneak in Lizzy at the end. How can you not?
***
The Doctor raced out of the wide hallway of Pemberley and into the grounds with a polished, dark wooden chair in his arms. Mr Darcy politely moved further back out of his way.
“Yep, it’s in here somewhere - aha, there it is! Crafty little things, you know. Fix onto something, meld into their surroundings like a chameleon and you won’t know they’re there until you’ve got a full blown infestation and next thing you know an adult menow’s gnawing at your flesh. Nasty things - something like a cross between a hedgehog and a newt, only much larger.” The Doctor paused for breath, blinking at that. “Now there’s a weird idea… Anyway, sorry about this, but you wouldn’t want me to miss one.”
He threw the chair down onto the pile of objects outside the main entrance of the elegant country house.
“Would it be too much to ask what precisely you intend doing with the furniture?”
He sucked in his breath. “Oh, well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to burn the lot. Only thing to do. Still, it’s lucky for you I turned up. You’ll be relieved to know there’s definitely no more of the little termagants remaining. Very distinctive signal they give out, so I couldn’t be mistaken.”
“Yes, indeed,” murmured Darcy. “How fortunate for me.”
He rubbed his hands together and then set about attempting to light the pile of furniture with the sonic screwdriver, even though it was on a patch of neatly kept lawn. Startling flames leapt up, causing Darcy to take a discreet step backwards. It seemed prudent.
“I confess this does seem a little extreme, Doctor.”
The Doctor grinned. “Oh, you look like a man who won’t have any problem replacing them - not meaning to come across as vulgar or anything, but let’s be practical.”
“That writing case belonged to my great-grandmother. It is irreplaceable.”
The Doctor surveyed it as it began to smoulder. “Oh. Well, I see what you mean, but you wouldn’t want it with a couple of tenacious menows hanging on to it, would you? And they do, you know. No getting them off again until they’re ready and by that time -. Let’s just say, it’s wisest to be at least a couple of rooms away.”
“It is regrettable.”
He looked again, seeming to have to think about that. “Yes, it is rather. Queen Anne, I’d imagine?”
“I believe it to be so.”
“Well, at least you got a fair bit of use out of it first, then. Could have been worse. What if we’d left it and next thing you know, there’s a menow attacking the household? Wouldn’t want that, now would we?”
“No, indeed, I would not,” he agreed with more conviction. “I do not believe I have heard of these creatures. Are they of a foreign origin?”
“Oh, yes. Very rare. Not likely to happen again, so don’t worry about that. Here, if you look closely at the small table, you can see one. There.”
“I see nothing.”
The Doctor darted half into the flames to point. “Here!”
“Yes. What a curious creature. It does appear to have formidable teeth.”
He moved back hastily, noticing the heat and his precarious position. “Well, quite. Anyway, I should thank you. You’ve been most helpful and obliging, sir. And I am terribly sorry about the furniture. Hope the wife doesn’t have a fit when she gets back, or the housekeeper for that matter.”
Darcy smiled. “I believe my wife to be more than equal to any disturbance of that nature, sir. I only regret that I may not have the pleasure of introducing you to her. She has a lively wit.”
“Sounds charming,” approved the Doctor with enthusiasm. “Congratulations, then. Sadly, got to dash - bit of a bore, but there’s always some trouble here and there about the place and someone’s got to do something about it.”
“Thank you for your assistance.”
“No problem. Sorry about the antique desk and all that. All the best!”
With that, he was off down the long, gravelled drive at speed. A peculiar man, reflected Darcy, but he was clearly right about the pests or parasites, if a little less sound on the subject of valuable furnishings. He watched him disappear and wondered what Elizabeth would say when he recounted this to her.
[In truth, her words were as follows: “How dreadful,” she said on her return from visiting Jane and Bingley. “Only imagine if such a creature had the impudence to emerge during a visit from Lady Catherine.”
“That would be unthinkable,” said Darcy.]
***
***
The Doctor raced out of the wide hallway of Pemberley and into the grounds with a polished, dark wooden chair in his arms. Mr Darcy politely moved further back out of his way.
“Yep, it’s in here somewhere - aha, there it is! Crafty little things, you know. Fix onto something, meld into their surroundings like a chameleon and you won’t know they’re there until you’ve got a full blown infestation and next thing you know an adult menow’s gnawing at your flesh. Nasty things - something like a cross between a hedgehog and a newt, only much larger.” The Doctor paused for breath, blinking at that. “Now there’s a weird idea… Anyway, sorry about this, but you wouldn’t want me to miss one.”
He threw the chair down onto the pile of objects outside the main entrance of the elegant country house.
“Would it be too much to ask what precisely you intend doing with the furniture?”
He sucked in his breath. “Oh, well, I’m afraid I’m going to have to burn the lot. Only thing to do. Still, it’s lucky for you I turned up. You’ll be relieved to know there’s definitely no more of the little termagants remaining. Very distinctive signal they give out, so I couldn’t be mistaken.”
“Yes, indeed,” murmured Darcy. “How fortunate for me.”
He rubbed his hands together and then set about attempting to light the pile of furniture with the sonic screwdriver, even though it was on a patch of neatly kept lawn. Startling flames leapt up, causing Darcy to take a discreet step backwards. It seemed prudent.
“I confess this does seem a little extreme, Doctor.”
The Doctor grinned. “Oh, you look like a man who won’t have any problem replacing them - not meaning to come across as vulgar or anything, but let’s be practical.”
“That writing case belonged to my great-grandmother. It is irreplaceable.”
The Doctor surveyed it as it began to smoulder. “Oh. Well, I see what you mean, but you wouldn’t want it with a couple of tenacious menows hanging on to it, would you? And they do, you know. No getting them off again until they’re ready and by that time -. Let’s just say, it’s wisest to be at least a couple of rooms away.”
“It is regrettable.”
He looked again, seeming to have to think about that. “Yes, it is rather. Queen Anne, I’d imagine?”
“I believe it to be so.”
“Well, at least you got a fair bit of use out of it first, then. Could have been worse. What if we’d left it and next thing you know, there’s a menow attacking the household? Wouldn’t want that, now would we?”
“No, indeed, I would not,” he agreed with more conviction. “I do not believe I have heard of these creatures. Are they of a foreign origin?”
“Oh, yes. Very rare. Not likely to happen again, so don’t worry about that. Here, if you look closely at the small table, you can see one. There.”
“I see nothing.”
The Doctor darted half into the flames to point. “Here!”
“Yes. What a curious creature. It does appear to have formidable teeth.”
He moved back hastily, noticing the heat and his precarious position. “Well, quite. Anyway, I should thank you. You’ve been most helpful and obliging, sir. And I am terribly sorry about the furniture. Hope the wife doesn’t have a fit when she gets back, or the housekeeper for that matter.”
Darcy smiled. “I believe my wife to be more than equal to any disturbance of that nature, sir. I only regret that I may not have the pleasure of introducing you to her. She has a lively wit.”
“Sounds charming,” approved the Doctor with enthusiasm. “Congratulations, then. Sadly, got to dash - bit of a bore, but there’s always some trouble here and there about the place and someone’s got to do something about it.”
“Thank you for your assistance.”
“No problem. Sorry about the antique desk and all that. All the best!”
With that, he was off down the long, gravelled drive at speed. A peculiar man, reflected Darcy, but he was clearly right about the pests or parasites, if a little less sound on the subject of valuable furnishings. He watched him disappear and wondered what Elizabeth would say when he recounted this to her.
[In truth, her words were as follows: “How dreadful,” she said on her return from visiting Jane and Bingley. “Only imagine if such a creature had the impudence to emerge during a visit from Lady Catherine.”
“That would be unthinkable,” said Darcy.]
***