(no subject)
Last night I went to this club called Oasis. At first I didn't want to go. I ended up going though because I thought that dancing would make me feel better. The club itself was straight out of a movie. It was this old splintering building. They played good music though and since no one there really caught my eye I could just loose myself in the crowd. I always remember this one line. I don't remember if it's from a film or a book but it says, "some dance to remember some dance to forget".
I think the entire gay culture is really for the most part unhappy with life. I have yet to find a person who would choose to be gay voluntarily, or who is unbroken by society. Sometimes before I go to sleep I'll just wander through my life trying to find a good memory to rest upon, but usually all I find is anguish. I am crawling out of my skin sometime just knowing how many things are wrong with me. I know that there are some things that will be with me for the rest of my life. I can't change who I am. This is the first time I think I really realize this. I would always go away on some trip, or some vacation hoping that the experience would change me. To my friends I would appear as a butterfly out of the cocoon. I think it's because for so long now I have wanted to become something better. I think now though that I found a better plan. So were right back to where I started, before I left for the club. As usual I was having some tiff with life. I always feel as though I'm at the breaking point of some great mystery. Just two steps away from it unravelment. I finally found something very useful to me though. I've been trying to change myself into this person I think I should be for so long now I didn't look behind me. At least not far enough. I would always try to compare the last three years of my life tracking my progress as a person and an ideal. I should have instead looked at the last decade because that’s how much time I really concern myself with. Lets just assume that my life changed as much as I did in the last eight years in the next eight. If I accepted that life will go on without me fighting it; what would happen? To let go of the reigns and see where life leads me. In eight years with or without me trying, my experiences could lead me to accomplish all my goals without contemplating almost any of the things I do. Our lives for the most part are on auto-pilot. We have control over very few things. One is our decisions, the second is how we feel about them. I now come to realize what it means to leave your life in the hands of God. Not only does doing this require patience on God's part, but also in oneself. I know now that I have but two things I need to do. Make good decisions and have goals which I want to guide my path. Everything else, loving each other, learning how to forgive, and letting go of the past. Those things are all part of the mentality. It's so much easier though to think that we could live and succeed without so much struggle. Call it fate, call it destiny, call it God. No one from the beginning of their life till the end has control over the waves of life that rush over and carry us in a million directions. The mistake we make is pedaling in this boat called life when all were doing is fighting a unconquerable current. I remember this great quote. “Someone should tell us from the beginning of our lives that we’re dying, that we wouldn’t waste a single day”.
I think the entire gay culture is really for the most part unhappy with life. I have yet to find a person who would choose to be gay voluntarily, or who is unbroken by society. Sometimes before I go to sleep I'll just wander through my life trying to find a good memory to rest upon, but usually all I find is anguish. I am crawling out of my skin sometime just knowing how many things are wrong with me. I know that there are some things that will be with me for the rest of my life. I can't change who I am. This is the first time I think I really realize this. I would always go away on some trip, or some vacation hoping that the experience would change me. To my friends I would appear as a butterfly out of the cocoon. I think it's because for so long now I have wanted to become something better. I think now though that I found a better plan. So were right back to where I started, before I left for the club. As usual I was having some tiff with life. I always feel as though I'm at the breaking point of some great mystery. Just two steps away from it unravelment. I finally found something very useful to me though. I've been trying to change myself into this person I think I should be for so long now I didn't look behind me. At least not far enough. I would always try to compare the last three years of my life tracking my progress as a person and an ideal. I should have instead looked at the last decade because that’s how much time I really concern myself with. Lets just assume that my life changed as much as I did in the last eight years in the next eight. If I accepted that life will go on without me fighting it; what would happen? To let go of the reigns and see where life leads me. In eight years with or without me trying, my experiences could lead me to accomplish all my goals without contemplating almost any of the things I do. Our lives for the most part are on auto-pilot. We have control over very few things. One is our decisions, the second is how we feel about them. I now come to realize what it means to leave your life in the hands of God. Not only does doing this require patience on God's part, but also in oneself. I know now that I have but two things I need to do. Make good decisions and have goals which I want to guide my path. Everything else, loving each other, learning how to forgive, and letting go of the past. Those things are all part of the mentality. It's so much easier though to think that we could live and succeed without so much struggle. Call it fate, call it destiny, call it God. No one from the beginning of their life till the end has control over the waves of life that rush over and carry us in a million directions. The mistake we make is pedaling in this boat called life when all were doing is fighting a unconquerable current. I remember this great quote. “Someone should tell us from the beginning of our lives that we’re dying, that we wouldn’t waste a single day”.