The Infamous "Kristin Post".
When you start falling, who's gonna catch ya?
I'm willing to bet ya, it will be me...
If you're lucky, there's always someone that will catch you when you fall to your lowest point. Or that will give you some sort of light in the darkness. I am blessed to have the most wonderful friends that do that for me, and the help of one amazing woman...
Kristin Chenoweth.
Sure, Kristin doesn't know how much she helps me, but it just seems like whenever I am in a dark and scary place, she is there to tell me it'll be okay. It can be through her music, magazine articles, or TV appearences. It sounds so small and simple to most of you, but please just let me tell my story.
I remember when I fell in love with Wicked - it was during the performance at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in 2003. I was sitting in the living room at my housev with my Papa, watching the parade while
Heather and my mother were making dinner in the kitchen. I remember being entralled by all the dancing Ozians, and amused that there was finally a "wicked" witch that didn't scare the crap out of me. Most importantly, I couldn't take my eyes off of the woman with the cute voice coming out of the little tiny body. I honestly thought she was a little girl, or at least a teenager. And the voice? Forget about it, I was hooked. It was all I could think about for the rest of the day. Of course I didn't say anything, because knowing my family, they'd make fun of me. Moving on...
In the next few months after the parade I looked into Wicked and who Kristin was, what she had done before, etc. All I knew was that my dearest darlingest
Cressarose would talk about Kristin all the time in her journal, and now I could see why. I had fallen in love with the little woman with the big voice. Everything that she was, and everything she stood for, being a Christian, being a star, but knowing what matters at the end of the day. All of it, it inpired me to no end. Soon after, I learned that she had been on The Rosie O'Donnell Show several times while it was still on the air, and that was why The Girl In 14G was so familiar to me. That was just the icing on the cake. (If you know me at all, you know how much I love Rosie O'Donnell, but that's a whole different post.)
Fast forward to June 18, 2004... my mother, my brother Craig, and I were going out to dinner for Craig's birthday. (Which is the 19th) and as we were driving, not only was my mother smoking in the car with all the windows up, but her and Craig decided to say some horrible things about someone who is very close to my heart. I started to get visibly upset and that made my mother upset in such a negative way that she hit me. Which only made me feel worse. Well, we got to Applebee's and I was trying to get out of the car, but ended up collapsing in the parking lot. I couldn't breathe or get up and my mother was yelling at me for causing a scene. There were men standing outside that helped me up and into my wheelchair. They asked if they should call 911 but I asked them not to (because I am that stupid) and we just went inside to eat. We had only been there about fifteen minutes when I had to ask my mother if we could leave, because I was going to throw up or pass out, I didn't know which. We left, and she tried to convince me to go to the hospital but I wouldn't do it. So we just went home. We learned months later, that odds were I had actually had a heart attack due to stress. Which my mother kept saying had happened, as I had gone through all the symptoms.
Anyway, we came home and I went straight to my bed. I curled up in a ball and cried for the longest time, even though it hurt and I couldn't really breathe. I just wanted to die. I laid there and wished it had killed me. I remember laying there with thoughts like this one going through my head Why am I still here? No one in this family has ever given me the love that I've always longed for, or understands any of my dreams. Please God, just take me tonight. I do talk to God a lot, and I remember saying that out loud. I just wanted it to be over.
The next morning, I was laying in bed completely disappointed in the fact that I actually woke up to a new day. My Aunt Margie came in the bedroom and thew a magazine at me, saying "I saw this at the store, and thought you might want it." and she left the room. I picked up the magazine after she was gone and it was the June issue of Guideposts magazine with Kristin and her dog, Maddie, on the cover. I couldn't help but smile, because the picture was beyond any definition of adorable. I was also excited because I knew that she had written the article herself. So I opened the magazine and started thumbing quickly through the pages and found the article. As I read it, I couldn't hold back the tears, they were falling consistantly wetting the words on the page.
"What does all the hoopla matter in comparison to that inner voice, that voice deep in our hearts that always keeps us true to ourselves, that never fails us? It is the voice I listen to -- and for -- each and every day."
I then started listening to my inner voice, a voice that I couldn't find for the longest time. By the end of the article, it had hit me. This is why I was still here. I was here because I had the strength to be, and that's all I needed. I just needed to be, and Kristin helped me find that. I knew I had to keep going, because even if it is only for ten seconds, I needed to have my moment with Kristin, to thank her, for giving me a reason to survive when I was beyond lost. To this day, I still read that article on a daily basis, just to remind me, that no matter what, at the end of the day, listening to yourslef and having faith is what matters. I could probably recite the article to anyone who may ask me to.
We know how I feel about small moments in life. Moments that are so small, but have such a huge impact and shape huge parts of our lives. Well, only a few weeks after I had met
Jackie online, she had gone to New York. Jackie knew how much I loved Kristin, and I still don't see how I deserved what she did for me, considering we hadn't known each other long at all. July 8, 2004... I had my chance. I had gotten my moment. I had talked to Kristin Chenoweth on the phone. It's funny in those moments that happened so fast, I couldn't say what I really wanted to say. However, I reasoned that this was because it wasn't supposed to happen then. I was supposed to one day thank her in person. For the time being, Jackie was an angel and provided me with something to remember the moment with. That was all I needed.
July 18, 2004, ten days after complete peaceful, entralling bliss, Kristin completed her run as Glinda in Wicked. It was a really hard day for me. I was happy for her, as she could now go on and do other things, but on the other hand, it hurt me. I never got to see her in the role that made me love her so much. I wasn't in New York to say goodbye to the blonde girl in the bubble that never failed to make me smile. It was on this day that I vowed to be there, in New York, to say goodbye to Idina Menzel when her run as Elphaba ended, and I was. But again,that's a whole different post. I was feeling sorry for myself, and was very hurt at everyone else that was there and I couldn't be. I got really upset with myself after realizing what I was doing. Stop it, it's just not your time yet, it will come one day. I knew I was right on the inside and I just had to have faith in that.
About a month later, it surfaced that Kristin would be doing Alice in Wonderland for the L.A. Opera in 2006. My dear
Katie and I got excited and started planning to meet in 2006 and go together, because Katie loves Kristin just as much as I do. I was just so happy. The moment was coming, but it was still far off. I didn't care anymore, it would be here eventually no matter what. And I told Jackie I would fly her out here as well when the time came (which still will happen!) because I wanted her here to hold my hand when the moment is finally here. Since, you know, she was the one that started it with the phone call. But then what happened? They've pushed it back. Due to budgeting factors, it was pushed back to the 2007-2008 season. Katie and I were both so upset.
But we know Kristin, what happens everytime I'm upset about something? She does something that makes me smile. This time, we find out that she is making an "inspirational" record. I know that I don't talk about this a lot, if at all, but despite everything that has happened to me I have always had a very strong relationship with God, and an incredible amount of faith. I just don't talk about it a lot because it's something that I have that's only for me. It's my relationship with God, and my faith, and I don't like to push it onto people and make them feel uncomfortable. You can believe in what you want to believe in. You don't have to believe what I believe, and I respect that.
Jump to now, the CD is released. We know I love this CD. It makes me so proud of Kristin on so many levels. She is not afraid to show the world who she is, because you don't get much more personal than your own faith. It takes a lot of strength to do what she did. I look up to her even more than I did before, and I didn't even think that was possible.
It has gotten so hard recently, with what seems like everyone I know meeting her, going to concerts, and signings, and everything else. That jealous part of me still sits back and thinks, Why can't that be me? Don't I deserve this too? but then I stop myself. I just have to wait. It's all I can do now. 2007-2008 may be a long way off, but it will still be here. Waiting. I've never been good at waiting, but I just have to learn.
I just want to tell Kristin this story. I want to be genuine and real with her, and I want to see the look on her face. No matter how long I have to wait for that chance and that moment, it will be sweeter in the end. And that's is all I need. ♥
If you read all of this, I appreciate it more than you know. It is so important to me. And yes, I am aware that this is a public post. I may lock it in the future, we'll see.
Now that this is insanely long, and you all hate me for not cutting it, I'm going to share with you my favorite Kristin songs. If you download them, please comment and say you did so. Also, make sure you right click the links and choose Save Target As - Thank you.
My Happy Song:
Taylor, The Latte Boy (Album version)
This song never fails to make me smile, no matter how I feel. Hence, why I call it my "happy" song.
Favorite Song on Let Yourself Go:
(I couldn't pick just one, so now it's even since Taylor is from As I Am)
The Girl In 14G
I love this song because it is just so Kristin. It's perfect for her, and really showcases what she can do with her voice. You can't listen to it and NOT feel good when it's over.
If (You Hadn't But You Did)
This song is just a lot of fun for me. Everytime I hear it, I try to sing along with her and just bounce around in my chair. I also love the way it is staged when she performs it live.
Favorite song on As I Am:
Word of God Speak
Yes, this is what Kristin calls one of her "Jesus songs" and it is my favorite on the entire album. Along with Taylor of course. It's so much more than just a "Jesus song" though. I think no matter what you believe in, you can appreciate this song. It's just so beautiful and uplifting. It really makes me feel amazing inside when I listen to it. Just... there are no words for it, other than simply wonderful.
I'm really done now, please don't hate me. I love you all. ♥