Mixture of Emotions
It's getting closer to my birthday,and i should be happy,but im not.
I don't really know what the problem is,i just don't feel up to turning 16.
I mean its great to turn another year older but i hate the feeling of getting old.
Or for that matter the thought of becoming older.
I feel like im going to have so much responsibilities that im not gonna have fun anymore.
I don't get out much,but when i do i try my hardest to have the best of the best.
I want more friends,which is weird for me to say,but i want the right amount of friends.
Not some crappy friends from school or some crap.
With my self-esteem,i have no idea what is up in that department.
It seems as if i can't feel beautiful anymore.
I'm not told that i am often,and 99.9% of the time i feel unattractive.
I hide my body alot cause i don't want perv looking at it.
If i was to be born again i would want a nice body and a pretty face.
I say this because the other day i was with my friend shaun
and i was telling him this story of how some kids at my old school
add me onto myspace and we don't talk at all put this particular boy
named joshua,who by the way,is awesome.
we've talked and he kept saying he should have seen me around BA
and i assumed that he found me attractive and i told shaun this,and he rolled his eyes.
and i said "don't roll your eyes ! sorry that other males find me attractive"
& my friend said "not this one"
So i pretty much felt like shit for the rest of the day.
I question myself "am i really that unattractive ? even a gay guy thinks im not attractive?"
When he saw my old friend Chelsea[who by the way came a LONG way before she got the way she looked]
and he said "oh man,whose that ? she's hott"
Okay i don't know if its me,but i feel like i gotta be a size one,with gorgeous features.
My boyfriend seems to say girls are hott alot infront of me aswell,i mean when he started saying it
frequently around me it got to me,but after a while im like "eh .. he's a male i wonder what he says when im not around about other girl"
type of thing,if he didn't think i was pretty or whatever he thinks of me he wouldn't be with me.
I just hope that when i turn 16,i grow more into my looks.
And become gorgeous,i mean i wish my boyfriend would say the things he used to
but i don't know .. when he says certain things it really does make me feel attractive or unattractive.
I feel like i have a big hole in my chest cause i feel so crappy.
I never really thought it out about this thing.
I think ever since i moved to florida i was teased alot because i was overweight
and when i wear skirts i would get made fun of and be called "shamoo"
Yeah .. that's been stuck with me ever since ..
I feel like crying cause of all the crap i went through in order to be this way now.
For the past couples of months i really didn't care what people thought of how i looked.
But its coming back to surely bite me in the ass.
I wish i could feel comfortable in this body and face of mine.
I want to be beautiful ..
I don't really know what the problem is,i just don't feel up to turning 16.
I mean its great to turn another year older but i hate the feeling of getting old.
Or for that matter the thought of becoming older.
I feel like im going to have so much responsibilities that im not gonna have fun anymore.
I don't get out much,but when i do i try my hardest to have the best of the best.
I want more friends,which is weird for me to say,but i want the right amount of friends.
Not some crappy friends from school or some crap.
With my self-esteem,i have no idea what is up in that department.
It seems as if i can't feel beautiful anymore.
I'm not told that i am often,and 99.9% of the time i feel unattractive.
I hide my body alot cause i don't want perv looking at it.
If i was to be born again i would want a nice body and a pretty face.
I say this because the other day i was with my friend shaun
and i was telling him this story of how some kids at my old school
add me onto myspace and we don't talk at all put this particular boy
named joshua,who by the way,is awesome.
we've talked and he kept saying he should have seen me around BA
and i assumed that he found me attractive and i told shaun this,and he rolled his eyes.
and i said "don't roll your eyes ! sorry that other males find me attractive"
& my friend said "not this one"
So i pretty much felt like shit for the rest of the day.
I question myself "am i really that unattractive ? even a gay guy thinks im not attractive?"
When he saw my old friend Chelsea[who by the way came a LONG way before she got the way she looked]
and he said "oh man,whose that ? she's hott"
Okay i don't know if its me,but i feel like i gotta be a size one,with gorgeous features.
My boyfriend seems to say girls are hott alot infront of me aswell,i mean when he started saying it
frequently around me it got to me,but after a while im like "eh .. he's a male i wonder what he says when im not around about other girl"
type of thing,if he didn't think i was pretty or whatever he thinks of me he wouldn't be with me.
I just hope that when i turn 16,i grow more into my looks.
And become gorgeous,i mean i wish my boyfriend would say the things he used to
but i don't know .. when he says certain things it really does make me feel attractive or unattractive.
I feel like i have a big hole in my chest cause i feel so crappy.
I never really thought it out about this thing.
I think ever since i moved to florida i was teased alot because i was overweight
and when i wear skirts i would get made fun of and be called "shamoo"
Yeah .. that's been stuck with me ever since ..
I feel like crying cause of all the crap i went through in order to be this way now.
For the past couples of months i really didn't care what people thought of how i looked.
But its coming back to surely bite me in the ass.
I wish i could feel comfortable in this body and face of mine.
I want to be beautiful ..