Going to Ground

[jujitsuelf]

Going to Ground

Jensen's been thinking about this for a while...but until now he's never had the nerve to ask Cougar whether he'd come with him. Would Cougar really give everything up and go on the run with Jensen?



Disclaimer - All publicly recognizable characters, settings etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended

Thanks to peaceful_sands, Cougar's Catnip and Jodi for the beta and read throughs. Also thanks for Cougar's Catnip for the title.

** L ** L **

Their latest attempt at finding some kind of legitimate information on Max had ended in abject failure and Pooch had threatened to kill Clay in his sleep if he didn't stop pushing them around the globe. They all needed some rest, he'd said in his most reasonable voice, but Clay heard the steely undercurrent and decided that an angry, resentful Pooch was not something he wanted to deal with.

“Fine,” he'd grumbled, “I guess we may as well take a break. No point burning ourselves out. Two weeks rest, then we get back to hunting that son of a bitch down, 'kay?”

Jensen and Cougar had eagerly nodded and hightailed it for the closest airport. Pooch had whooped and thumped Clay on the back, then driven home to see Jolene and the baby.

Aisha had given Clay a contemptuous glance and muttered, “Anyone would think you want to spend the rest of your life chasing that bastard. Taking vacations won't help you get your life back, you pathetic sap.” Then she'd vanished without another word. Clay didn't know where she'd gone and honestly didn't care. He was beginning to think that she was more trouble than she was worth, her prowess in the sack notwithstanding.

Shaking his head and wondering how this had become his life, Clay had grabbed his few belongings and made tracks for Las Vegas. The most excessive city in the USA had always treated him well, and he smiled as he thought of how easy it was to get laid there. An abundance of lonely and possibly volatile women made the place a Mecca for him, and he willingly followed its siren call whenever he had the chance.

** L ** L **

Jensen had 'liberated' some funds from a bank in the Cayman Islands. When Cougar had cocked a questioning eyebrow at him, he'd just smiled and said, “Relax, they'll never miss it and even if they do, they're involved in so much shady stuff they won't notify any authorities about it, they'd just land themselves in trouble they don't want or need. Besides, they'll never track the route I used to get into their backdoor, and if they do, they deserve to catch me.”

Cougar sometimes doubted Jensen's sanity, and despaired of his taste in clothes but he had total faith in and huge respect for the younger man's technical abilities. As yet, there hadn't been a system that Jensen couldn't crack sooner or later, and he was practically a ghost in the virtual world, diving in and out of places with top-secret security with impunity and never leaving any traces. So Cougar had just tipped his hat over his eyes and allowed Jensen to excitedly book two first-class plane tickets to 'somewhere warm'.

That 'somewhere' had turned out to be a beachfront villa in Barbados.

The young woman on the check-in desk had smiled apologetically as she explained that somehow a room with a single king-sized bed had been reserved for them. Jensen had nodded enthusiastically and said, “Yeah, that's right.”

Cougar had loitered behind the taller man, his hat pulled down over his eyes, checking out the other guests. It was the middle of tourist season and they seemed to be surrounded by honeymooning and retired couples, with the odd wealthy family giving the kids a treat thrown in. He and Jensen didn't exactly blend in with their military bearing and lack of female other halves, and he wished the receptionist would hurry up with the check in, so that they could go and relax in private.

The woman smiled understandingly at Jensen and handed over the room key. As the two men walked away from her desk she sighed, it was true, all the good men were married and all the handsome men were gay. Life was unfair sometimes.

** L ** L **

Jensen looked around their room and whistled appreciatively. “God, it's amazing what you can get if you have the right amount of money, huh, Cougs?”

Cougar grunted and threw his hat onto a low coffee table. It was a spectacular villa. They looked directly out over the sapphire-hued ocean, and he could trace patterns in the fine white sand with his toes while he was still sitting in one of the comfortable armchairs if he pulled it close enough to the patio doors.

The room was luxuriously furnished with low, inviting chairs and one long couch that Cougar decided to claim as his. He'd stuffed a book into his bag and that couch would be a good spot to try to read some of it, assuming Jensen was ever quiet enough for him to concentrate on it.

The young hacker was exclaiming happily about how awesome the room was, and hurried past Cougar into the bedroom. As per usual, he was a ball of manic energy, Cougar could practically feel it crackling off of his skin as he brushed past him. A delighted whoop came from the bedroom and Jensen reappeared in the doorway, “Cougs, you gotta come see this!”

Cougar strolled slowly into the other room, deliberately taking his time, trying to get Jensen to see that there was no rush to do anything right now. The young hacker was as hyped up and strung-out as Cougar had ever seen him. The sniper frowned a little, huh, he hadn't really noticed how bad Jensen had gotten over the last few weeks. He'd been so busy trying to follow Clay's orders and then there was that little incident with him getting himself shot, he'd failed to see how much more wound-up and over worked Jensen had become.

Jensen was bouncing happily on the huge bed. The grin on his face would have been enough to fool most people, but Cougar looked closely and saw the tension behind it. He sighed, he had his work cut out this time, bringing Jensen down was going to take a while. “Cougs, look at the size of this thing, we could fit like, an entire team in this freakin' bed and still have room left over!” Jensen said, the worryingly manic expression back in his eyes. “'Course, I don't much fancy the idea of sharing with anyone but you these days, guess I'm kinda used to you using me as a surrogate teddy bear.”

Cougar rolled his eyes and nodded, “Si, it's a good bed.” Jensen bounced off it, landed lightly on his feet and headed for the en suite bathroom. His delighted whoop echoed around the tiled room and Cougar followed him, wondering what he'd found to coo over now.

As he walked into the bathroom Cougar couldn't help but gasp slightly. It was huge, tiled from floor to ceiling and had one of the largest baths he'd ever seen. Jensen was fiddling with dials on the side of it and grinning like a Cheshire Cat. “Look, just look at this, Cougs,” he cried, “our very own private jacuzzi bath. I'm in heaven, can we just stay here for the rest of our lives? Please?”

Cougar just smiled again and ran a hand down Jensen's back, feeling the tension knotting up his muscles and pursing his lips. “I think Clay would miss us after a while and come to drag our asses Stateside again.” Jensen said nothing, just sighed heavily. Cougar bit his lip, a sighing Jensen was not a good thing. It meant he was bottling things up, and that made him into a time bomb that could and would explode without warning. Cougar rubbed his broad back again and said, “Come on, you can play with the bath from heaven later. I need to get changed and find something to eat, I'm starving.”

Jensen turned and wrapped his arms around Cougar's waist, squeezing him in a tight hug. “You know the way to my heart, querido. I think we have about four restaurants to choose from, without even leaving the hotel. What are you in the mood for?”

“Room service,” Cougar replied firmly, returning to the bedroom and grabbing the phone.

Jensen grinned and wandered back into the living room, picking things up and putting them back down again a second later. Cougar watched him, his eyes troubled.

** L ** L **

An immaculately dressed waiter knocked on their door some time later and wheeled in their food on a gleaming trolley. Cougar tipped him and he withdrew.

Jensen grabbed a pastry from the trolley and stood at the patio door, looking out at the sea. Cougar hooked a finger into his belt and dragged him back to the nearest sofa, pulling him down to sit next to him. “Real food first, pastries later,” he muttered, prizing the morsel from Jensen's hand.

“Yes, mom,” Jensen quipped and grinned, then pressed a quick kiss to Cougar's neck.

After they'd eaten, Jensen leaned back on the sofa and groaned, “Oh God, I'm never eating again.”

Cougar laughed out loud and replied, “In an hour you'll be complaining that you're hungry.”

“I have a fast metabolism,” Jensen said in a dignified voice, “I need to eat regularly to keep my blood sugar level up.”

“Si, like you need any more sugar in you,” Cougar grumbled, pushing the trolley away with his foot.

Jensen turned and leered at him, “I know what I do need in me,” he said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Cougar smiled and patted his arm, “Let your food settle first, huh?”

“God, you sound more like my mother every day,” Jensen huffed, pushing himself to his feet and striding out onto the beach. Cougar followed him and pressed himself up against his back, slipping both arms around his waist.

“This is a nice place,” the sniper said evenly, feeling the anxiety fairly thrumming through Jensen, his back was rigid and his shoulders were almost up around his ears. “I'm glad you booked it, you did good.”

Jensen visibly tried to relax a little, and threw a warm smile over his shoulder at Cougar. “It took a little creativity with their booking system. They seemed to think they were full, but I rearranged things and found space for us.”

“Having a computer genius as a boyfriend has its perks,” Cougar murmured into the blond hair.

Jensen's head dropped as he gazed at the sand beneath his bare feet. “Yeah, well, having a world class sniper as a boyfriend has its down-side.”

Cougar released Jensen and stepped back, waiting for the other man to turn and face him. Jensen stayed where he was, scuffing the sand into patterns, it took Cougar a moment to realize he was drawing numbers with his toes, binary, naturally. He read what Jensen drew but it was just gobbledegook, the hacker wasn't trying to be clever and hide a message for him there.

Cougar sighed, he knew Jensen wasn't really mad at him, if he was, there'd be lots more arm waving and yelling going on. He stood and waited. Snipers are by nature patient men, and Cougar had learned long ago that there was nothing to be done when Jensen got himself into a mood like this, it was easier to just wait out the storm and then deal with the aftermath.

Eventually, Jensen turned and looked at Cougar sheepishly. “Okay,” he muttered, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes, “yell at me.”

Cougar smiled slowly, “Why?”

“Because I just said having you as a boyfriend has a down-side,” Jensen replied, looking anywhere except into Cougar's eyes. A low chuckle escaped from Cougar, and Jensen looked surprised. “Why are you laughing? Why aren't you hurt and angry and telling me I'm useless at relationships before storming off to prop up the bar all night?”

Cougar winced, he didn't need reminding of that night, he still beat himself up about it on a daily basis. But, it had been a long time ago, back when they'd first gotten together, and neither really knew how to deal with the other's moods. He blew out a deep breath and said, “If being with me didn't have a down-side, I'd be amazed. And I'm laughing because you're funny, asking me to yell at you. You hate it when I yell at you, so it kind of amused me.”

Jensen smiled, but it was only a shadow of his usual grin, and his eyes were dark with emotion. He breathed deeply for a few moments, apparently sunk in thought. Suddenly he said, “How much longer do you think we can do this?”

“What?” asked Cougar, surprised by the question.

“This.” Jensen waved an arm around, encompassing the room and the ocean view, “how long can we go on just grabbing a few days or a couple of weeks to ourselves before we go back to chasing all over the damn globe after intel on Max. Intel that is, by the way, becoming more and more scarce and less and less reliable as time goes on.” He stopped, chewing his bottom lip, then continued in a small voice, “How many more times do we have to watch each other get hurt?”

Cougar's hand instinctively went to the almost-healed wound on his left side. It had been a lucky shot, and the bullet had torn a path through the soft tissue of his waist. Amazingly, it had done no real damage, but it had bled like a bitch and hurt worse than most of the other gunshot wounds Cougar had endured over his military career. And Jensen had been the only one with him at the time. Jensen had been the one who ripped his own shirt into shreds and tried desperately to staunch the bleeding. Jensen had been the one who had listened to Cougar moan and swear at the sudden pain. Jensen had been the one who had needed to be pulled off of Cougar so that Pooch could take over and get the wound stitched up. And Jensen had been the one who hadn't washed the blood off his hands until he knew categorically that Cougar was going to be okay.

The sniper swore bitterly at himself, dammit, he shouldn't have let it get this bad. He'd been so wrapped up in his own issues at once again getting hurt, and trying to scrape together the remnants of the ruined mission they'd been on when it happened, he hadn't really noticed that his boyfriend was silently freaking the hell out in front of him.

“Mierda,” Cougar muttered and cast helplessly around for words equal to the situation, finding none forthcoming, he spread his hands wide and said, “but I'm fine, really, it was only a scratch.”

“This time,” Jensen's voice was low and vicious, “this time it was only a scratch. What about next time, and the time after that, and the one after that? What about when Aisha finally snaps and kills Clay, what about when we have to take Pooch back to Jolene and explain to her why her husband and the father of her baby, died on our watch, chasing a fuckin' C.I.A ghost?” he stopped for breath, then said quietly, “What about when I have to bury you? Or the other way around, what does the one of us who's left do then?”

Cougar ran his hands through his hair, buying himself thinking time. Finally he grasped Jensen's wrist and tugged him into the living room, then pushed him down onto the low couch. Sitting beside him, he made sure their legs were touching as he said, “Look, I know what we're doing isn't the safest thing in the world. It sucks, and I wish to God we didn't have to do it, but what choice do we have? I can't promise I won't get hurt again, any more than you can, but I trust you to be damn good at what you do, and hopefully you trust me.”

He raised his eyebrows at the younger man and Jensen nodded, “God, yes, I trust you. But all this sneaking around in the shadows, staying off the grid, being chased by our own fuckin' people...it's just...God, it sounds childish, but it's not fair. We didn't do anything to deserve this.”

Cougar rubbed little circles on Jensen's rigid thigh, trying to think of the right words, “I know, but what else can we do?”

Jensen gazed down at his hands, fingers twisted together in agitation and said, “We can run.”

Cougar looked at him, eyes wide and surprised, “What?”

“We can run,” Jensen repeated, still fixated on his hands, “you and me, we can disappear. I can make it so that nobody ever really knows we existed. I'll make us new identities, new histories, new everything. It'd be a fresh start, clean slate, and all the other stupid clichés. What'ya think?”

Cougar blinked at him for a few moments, reeling from the words and wondering whether it was even possible to vanish so completely from the CIA's radar. Eventually he stammered, “No se...I don't know. How would we live? Where would we go?”

Jensen looked up with a crooked smile and said, “Um, you know how I raid certain bank accounts, and, er, borrow money from people who won't miss it?” Cougar nodded and he continued, “Well, each time I did it, I kind of put a little bit aside, in my own account, where nobody could find it.”

His eyebrows shooting toward his hair, Cougar said, “En serio? Seriously? How much do you have?”

Jensen's smile was confident and self-assured again, “Enough, believe me, I've got enough.”

“Have you been planning this for a while?” Cougar asked shrewdly.

Flushing a little, Jensen ducked his head and muttered defensively, “Maybe. What do you think?”

“I don't know,” Cougar replied, standing up and pacing across the room, then back to Jensen again. “What about the others? Pooch, Clay? What about your sister and the little one? Do we just leave them without a word and vanish?”

“Would you?” Jensen's eyes were huge and somewhat scared but his voice was still sharp. “If I asked you to, would you up and leave without a word?”

Cougar gazed at him thoughtfully, chewing on his thumbnail. He thought of the chance of a new life with Jensen, of starting again without the constant need to check over his shoulder, without the nagging worry that Max could bring everything crashing down around their ears at any moment. He smiled at Jensen and said, “Yeah, I think I would.”

Jensen's smile was sad, “Me too. That's what scares me. I'd happily vanish today and never look back, and not feel guilty about it. I've got a secure email link to Jess and Hannah, I can use it a couple of times before anyone manages to get a trace on it, then delete it, so I could let them know what we're doing. And Clay? I figure he'll understand, if we don't go back. He'll be mad as hell and threaten to skin us alive, but he'll understand. And eventually he'll do the same, split from Pooch and get as far away from Aisha as possible and just...vanish. He's not as good as me, but he's more than capable of making himself a new identity somewhere. Pooch already has his life, he can go back to that, and just pray that nobody ever comes knocking at his door.”

Cougar massaged his temples, feeling a headache starting to threaten. This wasn't how he'd imagined their two weeks in the sun to pan out. But now Jensen had brought the subject up, the idea of truly escaping was becoming more and more appealing.

“But where would we go?” he muttered, more to himself than to Jensen. He thought of his own family in New Mexico, as much as he wanted to watch his nieces and nephews grow up, he knew going there would put them in danger, and that was something he wasn't willing to risk. “South America?” he mused, smoothing his fingers over his mustache thoughtfully.

Jensen made a strangled noise, and said, “No. No way.” His face was paler than normal and his eyes were stricken with remembered horror.

Cougar knew exactly what he was remembering, a burning chopper and so many innocent lives, snuffed out in an instant on the whim of a madman. He nodded and said, “Yeah, you're right, not South America. Then where?”

Jensen gulped a few times and shook his head, then said, “I was kind of thinking of the whole 'hiding in plain sight' thing. I know we need to vanish and if we stay in the US it'll be harder to be invisible, but I don't think I could stand to be on a different continent. Just in case Jess and Hannah do actually need me, I don't think I could cope with being too far away to help 'em.”

Cougar smiled and wrapped an arm around Jensen's shoulders, for all his fooling and techno-babble and 'look at me, I'm the crazy one of the group' front, the younger man had a good heart and it wasn't often that he let others see it. “Okay,” the sniper agreed, “ we stay in the US. Any particular state?”

“I don't know,” Jensen shook his head ruefully, “God, I didn't think I'd actually be having this conversation with you tonight. I was planning on a stroll on the beach and then a night of funky sex before a day of sunbathing tomorrow, and now I'm planning how we can drop off the face of the earth and become totally different people.”

Cougar shook his head firmly and said, “Not different people. Different names, that's all.”

Jensen smiled, just a quick twitch of his lips before he pressed them to Cougar's. “Yeah, that's what I meant to say. 'Cause I don't think I could cope if you suddenly changed and became this uber-talkative guy who doesn't like guns and spends his weekends arranging flowers and antiquing.”

Cougar made a disgusted face and said, “Don't worry, I won't be arranging flowers.”

“Antiques?” Jensen asked, nudging his lover in the ribs playfully.

Cougar growled at him and stole a quick kiss, leaving Jensen temporarily breathless. They stared at each other for a moment, before Jensen said softly, “Are we really going to do this?”

Breathing hard, Cougar thought furiously, then replied, “I've had enough of running all over the world. And I've had enough of being a target for anyone who happens to be on Max's payroll. We've done our share, we've helped Clay find intel that might one day be useful in bringing Max to light. We deserve a rest. You deserve a rest.”

“Wow, good speech, Cougs,” Jensen smiled weakly, “don't think I've heard you say that much for weeks.”

Cougar shrugged, “Don't need to talk most of the time, you do it for me.”

“Yeah, sorry 'bout that,” Jensen flushed.

“Doesn't matter,” Cougar replied briskly, “I like it. So, assuming that we do actually run, how about Vermont?” Seeing Jensen's surprised face, he continued, “We could get a place way up in the mountains, off the beaten track, hopefully nobody would come looking for us there. And if it's remote enough, there won't be too many people passing by the door who might by some tiny chance recognize us, so we might be able to stay off the grid for a while. And you'd be near Jess and Hannah if you needed to get to New Hampshire urgently. Any good?”

“Yeah,” Jensen replied faintly, “I mean, yes, I guess that'd be the kind of thing we should do. Get a farmhouse someplace and hole up for a while.”

Cougar nodded, then saw how Jensen's shoulders were starting to tense up and hunch around his ears again. “You okay?”

Jensen looked a little green around the gills, and swallowed before answering, “I'm okay, just...God, I never actually thought we'd ever really be contemplating doing this. It's just been an idea at the back of my mind for a while, I didn't think it'd ever be real. Never thought you'd ever come with me.”

Cougar grinned and bumped his shoulder against Jensen's. “If you go, I'll come with you.”

“God, you romantic devil,” Jensen chuckled, looking a little less sickly. “So, have we actually decided anything? My head's all messed up and spinning, are we running or staying?”

“At the moment, neither,” Cougar said firmly, pulling Jensen to his feet and steering him toward the bedroom. “Now, we're going to bed and sleeping on it. There's plenty of time to decide in the morning.”

“Okay,” Jensen leaned into Cougar's hands and allowed himself to be pushed onto the luxurious bed. “Does that mean we can have funky sex tonight?”

Cougar laughed and walked into the bathroom. “It means we can use this damn jacuzzi and try to get you a bit more relaxed.”

“Outstanding,” Jensen grinned and bounced into the bathroom, elbowing Cougar away from the jacuzzi controls and taking over himself.

Cougar's smile faded as he heard Clay's favorite word. The reality of leaving the only life he'd come to know came crashing down on him and he leaned against the wall, face sober and thoughtful. Jensen raised his eyebrows and Cougar shook off his sudden dark mood, smiling and trying to enjoy the bubbly water as much as the hacker did.

After they'd climbed out of the jacuzzi and slipped beneath the wondrously smooth cotton sheets, Jensen pulled Cougar close and said quietly, “If you don't want to go, you don't have to. I'll stay, I promise. And I'll never tell Clay that we talked about running.”

“Shh,” Cougar laid a hand over Jensen's mouth, “sleep now, think in the morning. Relax, cariño. We've got time, it's okay.”

Jensen nodded and buried his face in Cougar's hair, inhaling the scent of whatever it was that made the sniper smell so...Cougar-ish. As he fell asleep, Jensen knew he'd been telling the truth. If Cougar wanted to stay with Clay, off the grid and living in the shadows, Jensen would stay with him, and stand by him every second of every day. But he couldn't help the tiny, heartfelt prayer that he sent to any god who happened to be listening, asking quietly and desperately for the sniper to choose a life with him over a life full of danger and uncertainty.

He drifted off eventually, and dreamed of farmhouses in Vermont, which were idyllic and peaceful, until Clay came bursting through the door, baying for Jensen's blood, saying that he'd broken the team up, he'd betrayed them all. Another time it was Max himself, sneaking in through the backdoor and slitting Cougar's throat before Jensen had time to yell a warning. He woke gasping, drenched in sweat and clinging onto the sheets as though they'd save him from his own nightmares.

For once Cougar hadn't woken when Jensen stirred, so the hacker slid out of the bed unnoticed. Padding over to the window, he stared out at the darkened ocean, its gentle swells occasionally lit by the thin sliver of the new moon high overhead. He wasn't sure how long he stood there, hands braced on the window frame, nose almost pressed to the glass. The sea was hypnotic in its calm, ceaseless rhythm and he watched it, feeling as though he was detached from his body, floating somewhere, looking down on a troubled young man with worried eyes and frown lines on his forehead that had no right to be there so early in his life. “I'll make it work,” he whispered to his grave-faced reflection, “I'll make us vanish, nobody will ever find us. I can do it. Please let him trust that I can do it.”

His reflection said nothing, just stared back at him with those too-old eyes. He sighed and nodded, “Yeah, you're right, I've said my piece, now it's up to him to decide what he wants. You think he'll choose us?” Again his reflection was silent, and Jensen suddenly snarled at it, “Fat lot of help you are,” he muttered and turned away.

Cougar was still sleeping peacefully, his hair spread out over the pillows, the deep inky black standing out in stark contrast to the snowy white cotton. A smile tugged at Jensen's mouth, God, if he got to see Cougar like this every night, he'd count himself one of the luckiest men alive. Carefully slipping back under the sheets, his smile grew as the sniper shifted and flung an arm over his waist. As he lay there, waiting for sleep to return once more, Jensen heard the lilting strains of Doris Day's voice drifting through his mind. “Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see, que sera, sera...” He smiled wryly, appreciating the truth of the lyrics. Before long he was asleep again, this time dreamlessly, Cougar's comforting weight across his body keeping the nightmares at bay.

** L ** L **
 Part 2