In Steady Agreement
the first day of this year i wrote this...
"where it itches.
there stands 2008, a fat man with sweaty orifices staring down at me, cigarette in pursed lips. hovering over me like the remembrance of hastily made decisions of the past. he speaks to me roughly, but i do not understand what he's saying. he speaks futures. i gain control for a moment, breathing deeply through my nose. i cannot feel the cold air in my sinuses, but i can feel my lungs expanding a little further than before.
i've been breathing shallow for too long.
i stand in front of him, eyelids baggy from last nights assault on yesterday's version of myself. a much weaker me. i am not afraid of him, but i am not comfortable with the weight he carries in uncertainty. he is everything i will concern myself with. every person, thought, and situation. every guilty, self serving moment. every selfless act.
he is large and unwavering. he does not step toward me, but bends his face down above mine, making it known that he is not going anywhere. he is here to stay.
until i learn to embrace him, take hold of his sweaty hands and run with him... i really won't be ready for anything he will shovel into my path.
this is my way of strategizing my way around him, and sullenly coming to the realization that he is everywhere. surrounding me and my world.
he's the block in the road, the road itself, and what lies at the end of it all. he's an entire years worth of things i will become. i love him and i hate him.
and i am very scared of him.
laurenb.
i feel it fading. what was is no longer what is."
i never quite got to that point with 2008. i tried gripping his sweaty palms and consistantly slipped off, held much more tightly than i should have. i was petrified to let him lead me willingly, so i strapped myself to him and failed. i mistook physical activities for emotional connections, emotional distractions for physical attraction, and i misinterpreted my wants for my needs, my needs for my wants, and somewhere inbetween all of that i managed gratify my immediates so often that my far offs seemed much further.
and that's where i am. 2008 is standing behind me now, and i'm comfortable with that, he's got his hands on the small of my back pushing me toward this unfamiliar man. he's no longer hovering, but standing strong behind me giving me some power i never thought i had. the futures he spoke of are no longer so mumbled, and i comprehend him fully.
and now when i breathe in through my nose i feel the cold air inside me. it seems that time, though heinous and full of mistaken feeling, does eventually start healing. i don't breathe as shallow as i once did, and when i fill my lungs i hold the air for awhile before i exhale.
my eyelids aren't festering with last night's tears, my present self isn't attacking who i was yesterday, but understanding why i was that person. and 2008 is stepping backward from me now. the people he carried, the events, the selfishness. i carry memories of the important ones, the lessons learned, but i'm letting him take most of it with him. it only seems fair.
i stare blankly ahead at what appears to be 2009. he greets me much warmer than 2008 did, with open arms. he is not sweaty or nervous, but inviting and comfortable. i am not plotting my way around him or ignoring that for the next year he is everything, i have already accepted that fact.
I step back for a moment and turn around to face 2008. His face appears calm, even though I know he is filled with all of my most callous memories. He offers me a smirk as if to say, "I told you so." and i smile back.
I'm turning toward 2009 as I type this, fully aware of his presence, and entirely ready for everything he'll throw at me. This time I'll be taking his hand, and I'll be leading the way.
Because this year, I'm fucking taking him with me.
laurenb.
"where it itches.
there stands 2008, a fat man with sweaty orifices staring down at me, cigarette in pursed lips. hovering over me like the remembrance of hastily made decisions of the past. he speaks to me roughly, but i do not understand what he's saying. he speaks futures. i gain control for a moment, breathing deeply through my nose. i cannot feel the cold air in my sinuses, but i can feel my lungs expanding a little further than before.
i've been breathing shallow for too long.
i stand in front of him, eyelids baggy from last nights assault on yesterday's version of myself. a much weaker me. i am not afraid of him, but i am not comfortable with the weight he carries in uncertainty. he is everything i will concern myself with. every person, thought, and situation. every guilty, self serving moment. every selfless act.
he is large and unwavering. he does not step toward me, but bends his face down above mine, making it known that he is not going anywhere. he is here to stay.
until i learn to embrace him, take hold of his sweaty hands and run with him... i really won't be ready for anything he will shovel into my path.
this is my way of strategizing my way around him, and sullenly coming to the realization that he is everywhere. surrounding me and my world.
he's the block in the road, the road itself, and what lies at the end of it all. he's an entire years worth of things i will become. i love him and i hate him.
and i am very scared of him.
laurenb.
i feel it fading. what was is no longer what is."
i never quite got to that point with 2008. i tried gripping his sweaty palms and consistantly slipped off, held much more tightly than i should have. i was petrified to let him lead me willingly, so i strapped myself to him and failed. i mistook physical activities for emotional connections, emotional distractions for physical attraction, and i misinterpreted my wants for my needs, my needs for my wants, and somewhere inbetween all of that i managed gratify my immediates so often that my far offs seemed much further.
and that's where i am. 2008 is standing behind me now, and i'm comfortable with that, he's got his hands on the small of my back pushing me toward this unfamiliar man. he's no longer hovering, but standing strong behind me giving me some power i never thought i had. the futures he spoke of are no longer so mumbled, and i comprehend him fully.
and now when i breathe in through my nose i feel the cold air inside me. it seems that time, though heinous and full of mistaken feeling, does eventually start healing. i don't breathe as shallow as i once did, and when i fill my lungs i hold the air for awhile before i exhale.
my eyelids aren't festering with last night's tears, my present self isn't attacking who i was yesterday, but understanding why i was that person. and 2008 is stepping backward from me now. the people he carried, the events, the selfishness. i carry memories of the important ones, the lessons learned, but i'm letting him take most of it with him. it only seems fair.
i stare blankly ahead at what appears to be 2009. he greets me much warmer than 2008 did, with open arms. he is not sweaty or nervous, but inviting and comfortable. i am not plotting my way around him or ignoring that for the next year he is everything, i have already accepted that fact.
I step back for a moment and turn around to face 2008. His face appears calm, even though I know he is filled with all of my most callous memories. He offers me a smirk as if to say, "I told you so." and i smile back.
I'm turning toward 2009 as I type this, fully aware of his presence, and entirely ready for everything he'll throw at me. This time I'll be taking his hand, and I'll be leading the way.
Because this year, I'm fucking taking him with me.
laurenb.