As.I.Glace.Through.The.Eyes.Of.Time

[loser_cheese]

So basically it's Christmas Eve. Everyone is all happy with there families and such, me.. I'm home with my mom. It's going to be like this tomorrow too. Unlike years past would I would continuously be bounced from one context to the other, through family members houses and cars, places, and people. I never understood how much family ment on Christmas until now. Last year, was the first year I hadnt spent it with my dad. But he at lest aknowleged to call me and pretend like he cared. This year his mind isnt mellow, and dosnt have enough testosterione to remotely talk to me. Which makes the holidays really hard for me. I miss how things used to be. I like how they are now, but whenever you hear talk of this and that amung friends it's really hard. So I suck it up, stuff it down and not a whisper of what I feel goes said. Then I thought I was going to have the most wonderful thing happen to me. That would seriously complete my life, instead it ended in a piece of my heart chipping away. I understand things, but deep down I know that he would have made my holiday's better. I dont ask for much, but he would have made my holidays mean something. I also relize I'm not getting much either, and I dont really care. My mom hates Christmas, it wasnt until yesturday she put up a 2 foot little Christmas tree. Which of course is staying up all year round to piss off my grandparents. Who now want nothing to do with me, well my grandfather that is, because we got into a big fist fight over his towering abillities he thinks he posses. He wont even speak to me any more. My grandma, whom of which invited me and my mom to breakfest tomorrow, is trying to keep peace between everyone. But she snuck over and left gifts by the fireplace this morning. We didnt even know she was here. The rest of my faimly, dosnt even remotely speak of my existance to the world. Never has, never will. Why would I want to be around a bunch of people who only talk amung themselves and neglect I'm even there. Maybe a slight hello. We'll that would be my dad's side of my family. As for my moms, why would I want to surround my self with prick like gestures and attitudes making fun of the way I look, act, and dress. To bad I have more comman sense, intellegence, and better grammer than they will in their entire lives. The only people that have even showed they cared are my friends, and my mom, and my "other daddy" *coughTIMKOONScough*. I love and cherish all of them greatly. I know they are allways there for me when I need them the most, and they know how to make my day better even when it's amounted to shit. Which none of them know about my feelings towards Christmas, at all. And just adding on top of problems dosnt help. I have way to much on my mind. I dont know what I'm going to do with my life. But for right now I'm getting by. I love everyone soo much, thank you for allways being there. It seriously keeps me sane. On top of a drug addiction. But all I can do right now is shed tears, and listen to sad songs that I can relate too. I know that has to be the GAYEST thing I've ever said, but it's how I get over my obsticals. My hands feel like ice, and my tears fall from pain.

♥ Courtney

Just be in love and I’ll kiss you like you’ve always wanted
Just close your eyes, I’ll still live as if I’m dying

If I don’t make your heart skip a beat then hate me
If I don’t make you feel anything than it’s me

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

Just close your eyes and I’ll kiss you like there’s no tomorrow

If I don’t make your heart skip a beat then hate me
If I don’t make you feel anything then it’s me

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life
I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

So sleep now, so deep in static
Drifting in the shadows
Hold me close to the glow of headlights
And TV screens

I just want you to feel beautiful
For once in your life

more than anything in my life.. this song is the most beautiful thing my ears have ever graced