Gonna kill us all.
I want to get incredibly high - so high that I don't care about anything...but I can't do that. I have more willpower than that. I haven't smoked marijuana in FOUR months and five days. Do you know how fucking hard it was to stop? I was one of those people who was constantly high, every day, all day. As soon as I came down from a high, I lit up again. It was SO difficult for me to stop, but I did it. And I know that if I even take ONE hit, I'll go right back to that old, lazy lifestyle. That's not what I want for myself. It's just...sometimes I just crave it. I want to get away...go to a whole other world. The world that I can only go to when I'm high. I miss it.
And I'm sad. So fucking sad. A couple of days ago, I got that, "Oh my God...I'm crazy...I'm fucking crazy" panic. I kept hearing my thoughts in someone else's voice. Nothing was making sense. My mind was running a million miles an hour and my conscious just couldn't keep up. My body just began to...float. Maybe it's because I started my period, and I'm extremely moody. I know that I get more depressed around "that time of month," but it's still fucking terrible. That, and this week has been Finals Week, so I'm incredibly stressed out about my classes.
I want to disappear. I want to go away for a long, long time. Just mentally vanish. Find SOME way to relinquish all of this pain. I have so many fucking emotions bottled up inside of me, and I try...I REALLY do try to find healthy ways to release them...I write, I take photographs, I make collages, I talk to a therapist and my friends...But I'm still so FUCKED UP. All of these feelings twist and turn throughout my heart, my mind, my soul. They form knots inside of me. They make it hard to breathe. Literally.
Sometimes I still think about suicide. It's crazy, right? Some days it feels like I was in the ICU just yesterday. Especially when I think about it. I remember every vivid detail...the pain in my mother's eyes...the voice of my best friend over the phone...the lights of the ambulance...Yet it happened over three years ago. I have to FORCE myself to be grateful that I am alive today. To remember how horrible it was being in the hospital for so long. How much pain I put my parents through. How I saw my father weep like a child for the first time in my entire life. How I sat in my room, slicing my wrists open, over and over again, just to pass the time until my parents fell asleep. Until I could go downstairs and get the pills...
I can't think about this. I shouldn't think about this. This isn't good for me. This brings me back to that night. I am a helpless child again. I am so very alone again. I want to die again. I really, truly want to die again. I CAN'T THINK LIKE THIS! I am not that girl. I am not that girl. I am not that girl. I am NOT that girl. It was three years ago. I am a different person. I am a HAPPY person. I like life. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I want to live. I don't want to cut. I don't want to cut...God I want to cut...