No love, Just Lies.
"...Then the bridge disappears,
and I’m standing on air
with nothing holding me.
And I hang like a star,
fucking glow in the dark,
for all those starving eyes to see -
like the ones we’ve wished on.
Now I’m confused.
Is this death really you?
Do these dreams have any meaning?
No. No, I think it is more like a ghost
that has been following us both.
Something vague that we're not seeing,
something more like a feeling."
-Bright Eyes "Something Vague"
Sometimes I feel like I am dying inside. Like nothing - no one - could possibly cure me of this sickness. I am who I have always been, and I am going to be this way forever. I have been prescribed to over seven anti-depressants, seen three psychiatrists and two psychologists, been hospitalized once...and for what? I'm still here. I'm still ME. I'm still sad. Don't get me wrong - I have improved a LOT since this all started three years ago. I am NOT the same person that I was then. But I am so fucking sick and tired of having all of these pills and therapy sessions thrown into my face. When will I be stable enough to live a normal life, free of anti-depressants and psychologists?
"We all get tired, I mean, eventually, and there's nothing left to do but sleep (Bright Eyes)." I wish I could sleep for the rest of my life. Last night I slept for twelve and a half hours, and I'm still tired. I had the craziest, most disturbing dreams nightmares. I suppose it's my mind's way of trying to unravel itself. Trying to fix me. Maybe for once it will actually work.
I went to the dentist today. I hate the dentist. Lying on that weird chair with a giant light shining on my face, and people knawing and clawing at my insides - poking and prodding until I bleed. I feel like that's the story of my life, only it's ME knawing and prodding at myself. When will I finally be FREE?
Today hasn't been a good day. I didn't have classes, but I had to go to the dentist torture chamber. Then I go to my bank to deposit money into my savings account, and the lady tells me that I don't HAVE a savings account because it hasn't had money in it for a while, so it's been inactivated. And it's a minimum $100 deposit to re-open, so I have to wait until Friday when I get paid. I decide to call Sav because I think he'll be able to make me smile and feel good, but instead I just end up getting even more frustrated when he purposely avoids the answer to every question that I ask him. I'm in a really shitty mood.
I want to cut. Pretty bad. I know I shouldn't, and honestly, I probably won't end up doing it, but I want to. I can feel the urge tingling in my body. My heart is beating so hard that it feels like it's going to fly right out of my chest. I want it. I need it. I need it. I need it. NO. I don't need it. Do you see this? This is how fucked up I am. I fucking argue with myself. It is a constant struggle. A battle within my mind and body. It isn't something as simple as, "Don't do it." It is an ADDICTION. A real addiction. I have physical and mental CRAVINGS.
This is killing me.
Will it ever end?
Honestly...will it?