open letter to Scott K and those who know him
For the past two years I have watched a dear friend of mine suffer in an increasingly abusive relationship with Scott Krywanczyk. I'm writing this letter to create some public accountability for his behavior, which has grown increasingly violent and is unacceptable in any community
I would think that for someone who does as much anti-oppression work as Scott does, abusing your girlfriend would be an obvious no-no. Since that apparently isn't the case, let me be clear.
It is not OK to:
refuse to leave someone's house when they have asked you
block doors of rooms to prevent someone from leaving a room when they feel unsafe or uncomfortable
use your physical strength to prevent someone from leaving a room when they feel unsafe or uncomfortable (shoving, restraining, grabbing wrists, etc.)
verbally bully a partner
cover someone's mouth to prevent them from screaming for help (even if your intention was just to “be heard”)
hit your partner in the face
give your partner a bloody nose
Scott has done all of these things. No relationship is perfect, but when one person is using verbal bulling, physical force, or violence for any reason, that person is an abuser, and needs to be accountable for his behavior. I know Scott has done good work in education, advocating for his students. I know he is active in various queer, trans, and academic communities and I don't doubt that he has made positive contributions there. I'm sure he regrets the moments in which he lost control. I'm sure he has emotional wounds of his own that he needs to heal. However, he is a violent abuser, and until he deals with that reality, he has no place in any anti-oppression communities.
I regret not confronting him about his behavior sooner. I regret not being more assertive in my conversations with his friends about what I have witnessed. If you are friends with Scott, either in real life or the internet (
i_exalted ), I encourage you to tell him that his verbal and physical violence is not OK, to call him out, dialogue with him, let him know how domestic violence is hurtful (even in queer communities). Help send the message that he is not welcome in your community until he has dealt with the fact that he has been violent with this romantic partners and until he is no longer a threat to anyone.
Scott, I hope you get the help that you need to become a person capable of dealing with your emotions in a way that doesn't involve violence or verbal assaults. I hope that you take some public accountability for the escalating abusive behavior you have been hiding for the past two years, so that other people in your community can learn that violence against women is unacceptable.