(no subject)
so, i just hung up the phone with my mom after having yet another one of our conversations about how she doesnt know who i am any more, and how she thinks that everthing i do lately is just to defy and hurt her... im so pissed/upset/torn/annoyed/sad... she noticed last night for the first time that i have stretched my ears, which is completely ridiculous to me because she was with me on 2 serperate occasions where i bought plugs, and each time she gave me the signature disgusted look, so really dont understand why this is just now coming up. she told me that she didnt sleep at all last night because all she could think about was the "things" ive been doing to myself... she still claims that ive become some different person that she no longer knows, and she doesnt like it... she keeps saying i want my daughter back, and i want my best-friend back, which kills me more than i think she realizes... im not a different person just because i have tattoos and piercings. she asked me again "whats next, so i can prepare myself?" its just so incredibly frustrating, she needs to realize that this is who i am, and that by making me feel guilty, or bad about it all shes doing is pushing me further away.. honestly, why would i wanna go home and visit when i know that everything i say or do around her is being analyzed because to her im some stranger now... she says that shes not trying to make me feel guilty, well, mission unaccomplished mom, and thanks for making me cry...
then after all of this we started talking about school and work, and i told her that im just feeling run-down and burnt out on all of it right now, i work way too many hours a week, and my boss wont cut my hours, so im working 40ish hours a week and going to school full time... its just too much... so her solution is that i should just move home, um, how is that going to help?? i already signed a year long lease at my apartment, so im not going to move out, i need to finish school, so that just puts me further away from school, which means more driving, and more miles on my poor little car, and unless shes willing to start paying for everything i still have to work, so me moving home wont help anything, in fact it would make me life more complicated because then id have to be on the road way more than necessary. and her advice about work is to threaten to quit if they dont cut my hours...probably not going to do that cuz as i just said unless shes going to start footing the bill for everything i HAVE TO WORK!!!!!!
she keeps asking why i wanna draw so much attention to myself, why i want people to look at me weird, why i want people to talk badly about me...i dont want any of these things, but if being who i am results in these things, so be it. she thinks that im trying to "put on this tough exterior to cover up the "real" me" she thinks im trying to push people away, and thats why im trying to make myself look unapproachable....
im not pushing anyone away, and if people dont like me because of my tattoos and piercings then thats pretty sad. she also doesnt understand that i have some of the most amazing friends that like me because im me, all the good things and even the bad...isnt that how its supposed to work??
now, im all worked up and upset, probably wont sleep tonight... shes the one person that knows just what buttons to push to make me crazy, and she is also the one person that can hurt me more than anything just with her words... i feel completely distraught right now, i just cant believe some of the things that she says to me, and thinks its ok, im her fucking daughter that she supposedly loves so much and cares so much about for christs sake...
FUCK!
i dont even know what to do with myself right now...
then after all of this we started talking about school and work, and i told her that im just feeling run-down and burnt out on all of it right now, i work way too many hours a week, and my boss wont cut my hours, so im working 40ish hours a week and going to school full time... its just too much... so her solution is that i should just move home, um, how is that going to help?? i already signed a year long lease at my apartment, so im not going to move out, i need to finish school, so that just puts me further away from school, which means more driving, and more miles on my poor little car, and unless shes willing to start paying for everything i still have to work, so me moving home wont help anything, in fact it would make me life more complicated because then id have to be on the road way more than necessary. and her advice about work is to threaten to quit if they dont cut my hours...probably not going to do that cuz as i just said unless shes going to start footing the bill for everything i HAVE TO WORK!!!!!!
she keeps asking why i wanna draw so much attention to myself, why i want people to look at me weird, why i want people to talk badly about me...i dont want any of these things, but if being who i am results in these things, so be it. she thinks that im trying to "put on this tough exterior to cover up the "real" me" she thinks im trying to push people away, and thats why im trying to make myself look unapproachable....
im not pushing anyone away, and if people dont like me because of my tattoos and piercings then thats pretty sad. she also doesnt understand that i have some of the most amazing friends that like me because im me, all the good things and even the bad...isnt that how its supposed to work??
now, im all worked up and upset, probably wont sleep tonight... shes the one person that knows just what buttons to push to make me crazy, and she is also the one person that can hurt me more than anything just with her words... i feel completely distraught right now, i just cant believe some of the things that she says to me, and thinks its ok, im her fucking daughter that she supposedly loves so much and cares so much about for christs sake...
FUCK!
i dont even know what to do with myself right now...