Getting Married as a Rite of Passage
The moment you say “I do” to a man and accept an engagement ring from him is the moment you sign up for a spiritual process of death and rebirth. By consenting to a marriage proposal, you agree to make irreversible life changes, transform your identity, and radically revolutionize both your life and your psyche.
This realization did not immediately occur to me when I said yes to my fiancé about six weeks ago. We’ve known each for a year and been living together for nearly 10 months. We realized that we want to spend the rest of our lives together very shortly after we’ve met. By the time of the proposal we’ve already overcome the obstacles of sharing a household, making significant financial decisions together, incorporating each other in our lives, becoming part of each other’s families and building a strong identity as a couple.
I knew the proposal was coming. My fiancé managed to take me by surprise with a lovely romantic gesture, choosing a timing I least expected to be proposed to - but I knew he was going to propose. For nearly a year he’s been telling me that I’m going to be his wife, and for nearly a year I’ve been very happy about that idea.
I waited anxiously for the proposal, expecting to become a blissful, joyful and carefree bride. But that’s not exactly what happened. I felt extremely happy, of course, but I also felt a bunch of other things that have nothing to do with happiness. I felt pressured about the nature of the wedding, stressed about paying for it, anxious to please everyone in our families, annoyed about intrusive comments from friends, and above all - overwhelmed and defensive. I wasn’t sure what was it that I wanted to defend, until a friend recommended me to read “The Conscious Bride” by Sheryl Paul, that all the pieces clicked in my head, and I started understanding what I’ve been experiencing.
Getting Married Is a Rite of Passage
Sheryl Paul reminds in that book that going through the various stages of marriage is a going through a rite of passage. Getting engaged, announcing your engagement, showing off the ring on a perfectly manicured hand, setting a date, planning every detail of the wedding, getting gifts, accepting bridal showers, attending your own bachelorette party, getting married in a structured ceremony, celebrating in a party, going off for a honeymoon and even acting as newlyweds - are all rituals pertaining to the rite of passage of marriage.
On the surface, it seems like a rather cheerful rite of passage, what with all the parties and the gifts involved. But like all rites of passage, getting married too involves a process of personal, spiritual, emotional and even social death and rebirth. A rite of passage involving a process of death and rebirth includes three phases: separation, transition and incorporation.
In getting married, the separation phase is masked by a parallel process of unification, which is why it’s sometimes hard to discern. That’s what happened to me. I felt extremely happy about uniting with the man I love in, the joining of our families, and the beautiful diamond ring symbolizing the union. But under the surface, I also felt extremely upset about separating from a lot of things.
Aren’t I Supposed to be a Bridal Bundle of Joy?
Even though I’ve been living with my fiancé for almost a year, and even though we’ve been sharing a home, it was only now that I knew for sure that I’ll never return to my natal village or ever again live in my childhood home. Even though I’ve been in a committed long-term relationship with not a lot of time for my girlfriends, it only now became evident that such high-scale socializing is over for good, and does not even exist in potential. I was very happy about getting married, but deep in my heart I was also grieving the end of my single life and the loss of my identity as a single woman.
“Deep in my heart” is the key phrase here, because until last night, I haven’t shared my feelings of grief and loss with anyone. Isn’t this supposed to be the happiest time of my life? Aren’t I supposed to be a bridal bundle of joy? I felt it was wrong of me to have dark feelings. Being able to finally admit them, to myself, to my fiancé , and now to the world, is a great relief.
The Rite of Passage as a Process
In “The Conscious Bride”, Sheryl Paul discussed the two other rite-of-passage phases of getting married, transition and incorporation. Like the separation phase, they too involve social changes and emotional transformations, offering also an opportunity for spiritual growth.
The transition phase includes all rituals of the wedding, culminating in an official, structured ceremony. The wedding ceremony is a transitional ritual par excellence, with a symbolism not only of union, but of change. My Orthodox Jewish wedding, for example, is not going to be an intimate affair. It will include all members of my fiancé’s and my community, as witnesses to our commitment to change our lives.
The incorporation phase involves some sort of post-wedding gloom, a process of figuring out what it means to be a wife, learning to be in a couple without losing one self (a process I’ve already started by living with him, but that probably is going to intensify), and finally - feeling comfortable with the role and integration of the new identify as wife with the old self.
As I’m writing these lines, the jewelry store called to say that the pearl necklace I ordered for my bridal outfit arrived, so I can come pick it up. I’m definitely deep within the transition phase. A spreadsheet with the wedding budget keeps me awake at nights, I spend a huge chunk of my time organizing the event, and thinking about every little detail. I’m still not a bridal bundle of joy, but I’m definitely more relaxed and capable of enjoying the various rituals of the wedding, now that I understand my emotions, and the implications of the changes I’ve accepted to make.
Mirrored from Housewifing.
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