Night Time Is The Worst

[__orli__]

The week has gone by fairly fast. It took me awhile but I feel very comfortable with Lij. Been in my swim trunks even. Made a few jokes about being a beached whale, but he assured me in his sweet way that I looked good. Funny thing - I believe him. I don't know, maybe when he looks at me he still sees model Orlando.

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[__orli__]

His words, his touch - his kindness hurts so much. I want it so much.

I turn my head and look at him, my voice wracked with sobs, "You - you don't think I'm disgusting? Look at me! I'm so - gross!"

He shakes his head and cups my face caressing my cheek. He doesn't - he really doesn't. He sees me. It's been so long... but he always saw me even when all the others didn't.

I throw my arms around him and sob. I sob for what I've become, for the pain that Ben thrust upon me, for me accepting it, for what Hayden did to me, for my mum. I haven't even told him about mum. He holds me and strokes my hair letting me cry.

It lasts so long, but I haven't cried in years. The pain just seemed to run together into a life. It was all I knew. Now he is here showing me kindness, genuine kindness and love.

I'm lying on my side, my head and arm on his shoulder and chest. I finally calm down enough to take a few deep breaths. I grip his shirt and sniffle, "My mum died. Ben wouldn't let me go to her funeral."

It's not like that is the cause of all my pain, but it's something I hadn't told him... something I needed to tell him. Tell some one who would actually give a damn.

[elijah__j__wood]

His pain is suffocating, there is so much of it, so many tears and it makes me hold on to him tighter in case they wash us both away. When he tells me about his mother it makes me seethe with anger. "Oh Orli, I'm so sorry, fuck... I hate him, I really do. I fucking hate him."

I clench my teeth I am so damn mad. But he doesn't need mad, not right now. I stroke his back and breath slowly calming myself down. I'll deal with Ben later. "Have you been, you know to her grave, since?"

[__orli__]

I shake my head and bury my face in his neck while gripping his shoulder tighter, "My step-father spread her ashes from the Tower Bridge... she loved that bridge."

When I found out that she was to be cremated and her ashes spread, even though it cost me a major beating, I sent my step-father word I could not make it but I was glad she was being set free from that bridge.

Turning my head I lay my cheek on his shoulder and take a deep breath, "Lij - will you, will stay here with me tonight. I'm just so... lonely. And I know you love me. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend - I guess I just never thought I meant that much to you."

[elijah__j__wood]

I am going to have to talk to Devon about Orli's mother. I can give him what he needs right now much more easily though. I look down at him and brush his hair off his face. "We could play the blame game all night on who was the worst friend." I chuckle softly. "You have no idea how much you mean to me..."

[__orli__]

I look up into his eyes and know he means it, he really does. I lay my hand on his cheek and smile softly, "Thank you. I love you Lij, thank you."

I feel such a calm come over me. The feeling of love and safety - two feelings I'm not sure I've ever felt together - wash over me. I lay my head back down and hold on to him tighter.

If I could just stay here forever. In this cacoon I could be happy, I wouldn't need anything, I'd have it all right here.

[elijah__j__wood]

I smile to myself as I feel him relax and then I snuggle against him. I know more than likely Orli would not want to hear it but I actually really do not mind he is a little chunky, it makes him so much cuddlier.

I kiss him on the top of the head and close my eyes. "Get some sleep Orli. We'll talk some more in the morning."