Night Time Is The Worst
The week has gone by fairly fast. It took me awhile but I feel very comfortable with Lij. Been in my swim trunks even. Made a few jokes about being a beached whale, but he assured me in his sweet way that I looked good. Funny thing - I believe him. I don't know, maybe when he looks at me he still sees model Orlando.
He ordered in food that first day and I didn't say anything about my eating. When it was all delivered I wanted to eat it all, or at least try everything. It's like I'm afraid some one will come in and take it all away. I suppose that is left over fear from Ben. I've been eating great, when Lij is awake or not in the shower. I've scarfed down so many sweets while he's been in the shower or just in the loo.
Once he noticed all the pastries were gone but I acted like I didn't think he had ordered any then changed the subject to Rhys quickly. That always makes his mind change gears. I envy their relationship. From what he told me they have been through so much and an ass load of pain, but they are in a good place now.
I know he misses Rhys and I have a feeling he sneaks through that angel thing at night and visits him. The thought of sex though - it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Another left over from Ben.
Laying in bed right now I feel the pull to the kitchen deep inside me. Tossing and turning I try to block it out but it is hopeless. I sit up, "Don't Orlando, you are not hungry!"
I feel the tears build in my eyes and I beat my head with my fist, "What is wrong with you?! Fat, fat, fat!!"
Throwing myself against my pillow I argue with myself until I just don't care and I get up and make my way to the kitchen. Fuck it. What difference does it make. Not like anyone could ever love me. And being fat keeps them away from wanting the only thing I could ever do right. Just eat, after what I have been through I deserve to be happy some way.
I find the treacle and open the jar. I smile at the smell. I turn to find a spoon and am horrified to see Lij standing there. I look at the jar then back to him, "I, um... um..."
Panic fills me and my hands begin to shake. I fear he will be disgusted, or angry with me. I can't look at him. I turn and place the jar on the counter. My breathing is fast and I feel fresh tears fall. My voice broken I beg, "Please don't look at me..."
He ordered in food that first day and I didn't say anything about my eating. When it was all delivered I wanted to eat it all, or at least try everything. It's like I'm afraid some one will come in and take it all away. I suppose that is left over fear from Ben. I've been eating great, when Lij is awake or not in the shower. I've scarfed down so many sweets while he's been in the shower or just in the loo.
Once he noticed all the pastries were gone but I acted like I didn't think he had ordered any then changed the subject to Rhys quickly. That always makes his mind change gears. I envy their relationship. From what he told me they have been through so much and an ass load of pain, but they are in a good place now.
I know he misses Rhys and I have a feeling he sneaks through that angel thing at night and visits him. The thought of sex though - it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Another left over from Ben.
Laying in bed right now I feel the pull to the kitchen deep inside me. Tossing and turning I try to block it out but it is hopeless. I sit up, "Don't Orlando, you are not hungry!"
I feel the tears build in my eyes and I beat my head with my fist, "What is wrong with you?! Fat, fat, fat!!"
Throwing myself against my pillow I argue with myself until I just don't care and I get up and make my way to the kitchen. Fuck it. What difference does it make. Not like anyone could ever love me. And being fat keeps them away from wanting the only thing I could ever do right. Just eat, after what I have been through I deserve to be happy some way.
I find the treacle and open the jar. I smile at the smell. I turn to find a spoon and am horrified to see Lij standing there. I look at the jar then back to him, "I, um... um..."
Panic fills me and my hands begin to shake. I fear he will be disgusted, or angry with me. I can't look at him. I turn and place the jar on the counter. My breathing is fast and I feel fresh tears fall. My voice broken I beg, "Please don't look at me..."