Fuckin' Matt is making a fuckin' announcement!!!
I am announcing that Fuckin' Matt's Fuckin' Sandwiches are going on tour. We've jacked enough cash to get a big truck and start bringing our product to all new doors, just more to show how dedicated we are to my dream. And ya know, we aren't gunna be slacking even on the road, we'll go out of our way to hit some pedestrians, maybe a few houses, you know, just spreading the good word. It's what I do, I'm committed to making the world a better place by supplying the best and last sandwich you'll ever have. Today alone I shot 3 people in the face on the sidewalk before I was even clocked in. That's how much I love this job.
To those inquiring about desserts, I apologize that we have neither cake nor pudding, but we are working on that. Almost finished coming up with a special blood pudding, trying to decide whether to grind a customers bones to make a make-shift gelatin-like substance to coagulate the blood or mix the blood with Liquid Plumber Gel. We just recently added ice cream to the menu. You know, Bleach, it's a good flavor, definitely a good flavor. We also have a special treat where we let the customer be a part of the process in making the ice cream. We knock their fuckin' heads back and shove a funnel down their fucking throat, then we pour in some cream, sugar, about a gallon of bleach and follow that up with liquid nitrogen. We shake'm up real good and then you can churn ice cream out their mouth, it's a lot like soft serve.
You know, to my knowledge this is the first time Bleach flavored ice cream has been brought into the mainstream market. I remember when I was a kid trying to make some pocket change, we would sell home-made bleach ice cream to the neighborhood kids. I had to stop because a police officer shut me down, it upset me but you know, I don't hold grudges. So as an act of good faith I gave him a fuckin' free fuckin' sandwich. It was then, when he was looking back at me with those empty eye sockets, that I knew this was my true calling. That's where it all started.
Sorry I went off on a little bit of a tangent there. While I'm talking let me address the fact that I've gotten some complaints about our fuckin' products. Now see this upsets me, I do not appreciate complaints. I try very hard to give people the most intense sandwich experience while they're here and moments like this upset me very much, but you know, I don't hold grudges. We're very much advocates of the idea that the customer is always right. We have a couple of life support apparatuses in the back to keep you alive for as long as possible to ensure you get a fully satisfactory amount of pain before you kick the bucket. It's our way of saying we're sorry that we didn't mutilate you well enough the first time.
Anyways, we hope to see you on the road, or under our truck, whichever we notice first.
-Fuckin' Matt
To those inquiring about desserts, I apologize that we have neither cake nor pudding, but we are working on that. Almost finished coming up with a special blood pudding, trying to decide whether to grind a customers bones to make a make-shift gelatin-like substance to coagulate the blood or mix the blood with Liquid Plumber Gel. We just recently added ice cream to the menu. You know, Bleach, it's a good flavor, definitely a good flavor. We also have a special treat where we let the customer be a part of the process in making the ice cream. We knock their fuckin' heads back and shove a funnel down their fucking throat, then we pour in some cream, sugar, about a gallon of bleach and follow that up with liquid nitrogen. We shake'm up real good and then you can churn ice cream out their mouth, it's a lot like soft serve.
You know, to my knowledge this is the first time Bleach flavored ice cream has been brought into the mainstream market. I remember when I was a kid trying to make some pocket change, we would sell home-made bleach ice cream to the neighborhood kids. I had to stop because a police officer shut me down, it upset me but you know, I don't hold grudges. So as an act of good faith I gave him a fuckin' free fuckin' sandwich. It was then, when he was looking back at me with those empty eye sockets, that I knew this was my true calling. That's where it all started.
Sorry I went off on a little bit of a tangent there. While I'm talking let me address the fact that I've gotten some complaints about our fuckin' products. Now see this upsets me, I do not appreciate complaints. I try very hard to give people the most intense sandwich experience while they're here and moments like this upset me very much, but you know, I don't hold grudges. We're very much advocates of the idea that the customer is always right. We have a couple of life support apparatuses in the back to keep you alive for as long as possible to ensure you get a fully satisfactory amount of pain before you kick the bucket. It's our way of saying we're sorry that we didn't mutilate you well enough the first time.
Anyways, we hope to see you on the road, or under our truck, whichever we notice first.
-Fuckin' Matt