Fuckin' Matt's Fuckin' Sandwiches
So a couple of days ago my manager was telling me about these obnoxious girls that came into Boston Market while my brother was working and they were doing this whole valley airhead thing while ordering their sandwich. Apparently they asked if he could make it with love and my brother being my brother played along in this really really cheesy flirtation back and forth with them. You really see the difference between me and my brother here cause that would have annoyed me and if I were asked if I could make their sandwich with love I'd have said, "Sorry, we're all out of love, how about contempt? Maybe some unbridled hatred?"
After having come up with that response my mind was wondering during work and I came up with this horrible commercial.
Come on down to Fuckin' Matt's Fuckin' Sandwiches!
Don't even think about going anywhere else or we'll slice off your nipples and serve them to you on a moldy bun. Our sandwiches are made with pure hatred and contempt to ensure that every bite brings you closer to a slow and agonizing death. I personally guarantee that when you walk in these doors you will be bitch slapped, and if you're lucky I'll shoot you in the face. Most customers will be given whatever fuckin' sandwich I fucking' felt like making at the fuckin' time.
But don't let me tell you about the quality of our product, ask some of our customers. (walks over to a chair with a rotting corpse in it)
.....
He says it's fuckin' delicious.
(Camera moves to old lady.) My husband and I went to Matt's establishment and on the way home he started hacking up blood... We went to the ER but by the time we got there his stomach had been completely dissolved and his stomach acids were burning through his lungs...(sob)
Whaddya know another satisfied fuckin' customer. (Shoots old lady in the throat)
Just to let you know how much effort we put into our establishment, we have scoured the world for the best muggers and serial rapists to make sure you are thoroughly jacked of all your cash and violated before you even make it to the front fuckin' counter. I only accept cash or credit, if you walk in my store without the proper method of payment you will be stripped, have your limbs cut off and tossed into the street with a colony of pissed off fire ants fed into your ass.
So come on in, ask for our daily special and I'll kick you in the gut with a steel tipped boot.
Fuckin' Matt's Fuckin' Sandwiches
Sit the fuck down and fuckin' eat it.
After having come up with that response my mind was wondering during work and I came up with this horrible commercial.
Come on down to Fuckin' Matt's Fuckin' Sandwiches!
Don't even think about going anywhere else or we'll slice off your nipples and serve them to you on a moldy bun. Our sandwiches are made with pure hatred and contempt to ensure that every bite brings you closer to a slow and agonizing death. I personally guarantee that when you walk in these doors you will be bitch slapped, and if you're lucky I'll shoot you in the face. Most customers will be given whatever fuckin' sandwich I fucking' felt like making at the fuckin' time.
But don't let me tell you about the quality of our product, ask some of our customers. (walks over to a chair with a rotting corpse in it)
.....
He says it's fuckin' delicious.
(Camera moves to old lady.) My husband and I went to Matt's establishment and on the way home he started hacking up blood... We went to the ER but by the time we got there his stomach had been completely dissolved and his stomach acids were burning through his lungs...(sob)
Whaddya know another satisfied fuckin' customer. (Shoots old lady in the throat)
Just to let you know how much effort we put into our establishment, we have scoured the world for the best muggers and serial rapists to make sure you are thoroughly jacked of all your cash and violated before you even make it to the front fuckin' counter. I only accept cash or credit, if you walk in my store without the proper method of payment you will be stripped, have your limbs cut off and tossed into the street with a colony of pissed off fire ants fed into your ass.
So come on in, ask for our daily special and I'll kick you in the gut with a steel tipped boot.
Fuckin' Matt's Fuckin' Sandwiches
Sit the fuck down and fuckin' eat it.