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So I am angry. I cannot explain entirely why because I am being irrational. I have a lot to get done tonight, yet I do not care. I want to fight. I want to beat the bloody fuck out of another human being, no one in particular. It would be quite fun to just watch the blood flow from the wounds on an afflicted person. Purpose, poise, audacity, and resolve. I have none of these. I need to fix my bike. It would help if I could start riding my bike now that it is nice out. My mind does not want to deal with the mundaneness of the superficial life that I am leading. The more I explore my thought processes from different angles the more I just do not understand everything people do in general. I could work out all the time and work to better myself in physical fitness, but what would the opportunity cost be for that? I see everything in opportunity cost, what am I giving up to do what I do. I could be a straight A student at Arizona State University, but instead I work just hard enough to get by, which isn't very hard I might add, and slack off. I learned what to do for designing the IBGJ website, not that its all that great, it is a very primitive website, but it works for what we are doing. If we ever go anywhere with this we can hire someone that is far better than I ever feel I will aspire in web design. I could have a girlfriend and be a devoted man to a family someday in the future, but fuck that I belong alone. I could be flying airplanes to Burbank at night building flight hours to be a pilot, but I am broke so I cannot fly. I could get an internship at USAirways and try and work my way into the organization in the airline industry that I want to conquer, but USAirways is going to die unless their management is a group of miracle workers. I enjoy the company of my friends, through the study of them and how they conduct themselves I attempt to learn more about the human thought processes and how other people see the world. They are good to watch because they are intelligent, unlike the walking talking reasons for abortion that were up at the coffee shop last night. Phony people who came to play. Old School Hollywood Baseball feels like going to the coast and living the rest of my days carefree under the sun. Whatever. I need to think of something in order to afford stuff. Working on paying off my credit card. Why keep a journal that other people can read....well cause I don't give a shit if people know the inner workings of my head because in general the thoughts that I put down here are only going to make perfect sense to me and they are only viewed by people who give a shit to read it, so therefore they are most likely my closest friends whom I would tell any of what I write in here, and another thing I got from reading Mark's blog, I listen, you know I listen, I don't know whats up with why you wrote that, I know you are working hard to promote the IBGJ, I know much of what you do can seem to go unappreciated, but you are quite wrong in thinking that it is. I seem to always overstep the lines, I figure that is why there are lines, to cross them....laws...to break them. Laws and lines are set in place in order to keep people in check, I refuse to bend a knee to anyone. I will respect the wishes of those I care about. I am going to San Diego next month on the fourth for a night to visit my Uncle with my brother in law Chris. It will be fun and I am looking forward to it. They took me, I could not fight them off, I am weak, my will is larger than my ability, it is a fight to the finish, the knife I attack with has been used against me, the fight is going the wrong way, who needs to live, those with the will, who will win, the stronger, the smarter, just not in America, everyone must live, we don't want to die, we don't want to be with our American Jesus, we don't want to be wrong. I am wrong, I am right, there is not a right, there is no wrong, the gray area from which I preside, the despot of morality that I have thrown aside like a piece of trash, I should have never trusted me.