Can't sleep, so I'll write
The only thing worse than not being able to sleep, is knowing why you are unable to sleep. My slumber is intruded upon by fear and doubt of things I wish I could be sure of. Don't worry my fellow geeks, I have not yet turned to the Dark Side. I am a person of extremes you see, and what makes me confusing to others (yeah I know we all believe that no one can understand us *whine whine whine*, deal) is that I am often both extremes simultaneously. I think that this system works well for me, for while I may seem all over the spectrum, if you take a step back you see that this tends to balance me. Balance is something I constantly crave. I am an outrageous person (I have a voted superlative certificate to prove it) passionate and probably disconcerting to many but I am also very grounded. I let my spirit soar, but keep my feet firmly planted so that it always has a home to come back to. Recently though I have been slipping. I can feel the loam beneath my soles breaking up and falling away, leaving me a razors edge to cut myself on if I choose not to fall. Many people close to me whose opinions I trust have all advised me that this is because I have become to self-sacrificing, especially in certain parts of my life. They also all agree on a course of action that I am yet loath to take. I am still holding out for the site of the dove on the horizon; but the sky is bleak. Ever I look into its dark majesty for the winging bit of white hope that I have been clinging to. I am a big man, and holding myself up is tiring. I refuse to give up though. Awhile ago I decided to put affirmations, statements of my beliefs, on the walls of my room to remind me of them. One of them is this "No matter how many times I am defeated, I will never be Beaten." I stand by this. I will fight on as long as possibility exists. This is my way, it is the way I have had to live, to survive in a world where I am exactly wrong for all groups. I could've been popular as a football player, I could've been accepted as an academic, I could've been embraced as a manipulator. I chose the road less traveled. I have been scratched by thorns as I walked, I have torn open my hands climbing cliffs and I have been broken by the elements countless times as I followed this forboding passage. But I have not yet been beaten. Halfway is never good enough, because in the wild halfeaten just means the rest of you is being saved for later. Like a shark, life doesn't work unless you keep moving. I can't live stalled in the middle. Change is important, the universe is ever evolving. For a change to be a change it must complete itself, it must reach it's next stage. Well I have a full day starting in 5 hours. Fare ye well in the decisions you make in your own lives, but be ever mindful that no matter your desire, the wind of fate will always be finicky and inconsistant.