Happy Birthday Emidio!! :-D
god i dont know what happened. i was in such a good mood for most of the day. It was Meads birthday today!! I gave him a hug as soon as i saw him this morning before homeroom. He was like ur the first person to say happy birthday besides my mom and grandmom. I was like i feel special :) lol I love Meadio hes so great. He used to be one of my bestfriends and i used to like him soo much. I dont know what happened between me and him but were just not as close anymore and plus his girlfriend takes up all his time so hes never home to hangout with me. Well anyway i was in a really good mood today. So many people kept saying to me "u look so happy today what u do over the weekend that made u so happy?" i just kept saying "i didnt do anything, my dad was here. but im just happy not for any particular reason". i dont know. Sometimes i hate when people ask me why im so happy when i am. Its like do i look that upset any other day? I know i look like somethings wrong all the time but its not like i want to look like that. I dont even realize i look like somethings wrong. A lot of times ill just look upset but thats because i dont have anything to talk about so i just have a straight face and everybody thinks somethings wrong with me. I dont know. I took a nap after school like any other day of the school year and i woke up and i just felt so depressed. It was really weird. I got up and went to the kitchen to see if there was dinner made. There was no dinner made so i walked back into my room. I layed in my bed for a little bit longer, wrapped up in my blanket. I didnt even think about anything. I just layed there. I figured what the heck why not go online. I signed on and i started talkin to my bestfriend Ryan. He was talking about him and Jenna and how he hopes nothing bad will happen and how hes so happy with her and how she makes him happy. It was really sweet. Im soo happy for him because he wasnt really happy but now that hes with Jenna its like his whole outlook on life has been lifted. Im happy for him. He deserves a sweet girl like Jenna. But listening to him talk to me about him and Jenna made me feel really lonely. Its like i watch every one of my friends in and out of relationships and i see myself on the sideline, waiting. Just waiting. Im so sick and tired of being used like im a toy that u can put in ur back pocket and take out whenever u feel like it or just use whenever u feel u can. Im tired of it. People lead me to believe one thing and then do the opposite. I listen to all of my friends talk about their boyfriends and girlfriends. Then they get around to me and im like "non-existant". I have no love life. If what i have had in the past was a love life than my love life sucks! It consists of one relationship that wasnt so bad but didnt last too long cause of something stupid i did, a relationship that i wanted so very much to happen but was ruined after a day cause of something stupid my cousin did, one major "secret hookup" thing that was the worst thing i couldve ever done in my life!, another "secret hookup" thing that wasnt so bad but its becoming awkward, a broken heart, and many crushes in between. There is nothing good to come of my "love life". I dont even call it a love life. I call it the usage tracker of Jamie. I seem to get played like a fool no matter what. i dont even know! all i want is to be happy. To have someone to love me, kiss me, call me, hug me, hold me, be with me, just someone that i can run to no matter what cause theyre the one for me, and i feel the same way back towards them, that would make me so unbelievably happy its not even funny. No one knows how much i long for someone that i can just be with. Like hes mine. No one elses. He loves me and i love him. Im tired of everyone saying ur turn will come. Just wait he'll come soon enough. U'll be happy soon and stuff. Im so fuckin tired of sitting around and waiting for it to come to me. Its never going to come to me if i sit around and wait. Ry says i need a nice guy. I know i need a nice guy. There are plenty of nice guys that i like and would be with but they just think of me as a really good friend or something. Like no matter how much ill always like craig i have this vision in my head of who i can imagine marrying. No one knows who i have in my vision and i dont plan on sharing it with anyone. Ive liked him since as long as i can remember. My mom grew up with his family. Im like part of his family. I dont know Ive just always had this vision that because we're so close and it goes way back with the whole family thing, that he would be the one im going to marry. I would absolutely love to spend the rest of my life with him. He is one of the nicest, sweetest, funniest, honest, outgoing people i have ever met. *the list of good things could go on* We always have this joke that were gonna hookup one summer but we still have yet to do that. His cousins say its gonna happen no matter what we do. They want to see us together. They say if it doesnt happen this summer then its gonna happen one year. geez listen to me im rambling on..UGHHH i dont even know!! i think i need sleep so that is what im going to do..good night all! <3Jamie