Can we pretend we are back in 2000
I'm struggling harder than ever since I found her again. I'm putting myself in a tougher situation than I need to and its only me to blame. She's moved on and I've moved on to the point of happiness and there's no turning back on my part unless I get divorced and something else happens but I highly doubt that will happen. Too happy to want to ruin it but I keep putting myself back in this misery because I enjoy the company when I'm not busy. SO I've decided to turn this venting into a letter that I need to let out to her. And if it ever got to her I'd die knowing that she understand how I feel to this day. Last time I did spoke to her she did not remember me or she chose to act as if she did not care. I don't blame her because we are older and we have moved on from the past and who would want to bring that back up? I guess part of me does not want to be cured from this pain that I have not overcome after almost 10 years. So this is my letter to her....
Dear Destiny.....
I know you don't remember much of me and I think that is fine considering it's been so long since we last conversed. But I need to let you know that since we stopped, there have been little things here and there that trigger the memory of you and I that I just can't shake. If you knew my friends and those I surround myself with, you'd understand I really haven't gotten over you. It sickens them to know that I've moved on yet I still get depressed at the thought of what happened between us. What bothers them the most is that, its only you and nobody else that I can't shake. So is there a cure to get past this or is this going to constantly haunt me til the day I die ?
I wonder time to time if there was ever a chance for us in the end. For 5 years you held my heart and held it close that I was probably willing to give it all away to you and only you. You knew me better than anyone in this world could know me, better than my own mom who gave birth to me. And I wonder if giving you all me was the right thing to do during that time of ups and downs. You scared the shit out of me, knowing that you'd always want me there by your side and was never going to leave. It scared me more that you knew my weakness, you knew my flaws and you knew everything that can my world a happier place. When i knew all this, I scared myself and I forced myself to push you away. Push you so far away that you hated me and I hated myself for doing this to you. Nobody knows the truth of what happened to us and this is it, the truth that I in fact did push you away so far away that to this day I still question everything about us.
I see you now, knowing you have two girls and I have a boy of my own. And I know from my mistakes with you, I will teach him to do better to man up to his feelings and to stand his ground and not run from love. You've taught me so much and you don't even know it. You taught me to be a better person, to be honest and to not run. And for that I can only thank you because it lead me to where I am today. You've stole my heart and I must honestly say you still have pieces that I can't even replace. These scars still hurt knowing that I still care, knowing the damage I have done. And honestly I feel like the jackass that made everyone believe it as your fault that you were a bitch. You were the only girl that loved me with everything you had to offer. And I feel horrible knowing that I was the person who put you in the situation to where you can't trust nobody. I'm guilty for hurting and abusing you and I'm here serving a life sentence of heart ache that I don't know if I'll ever get over.
So here's my goodbye, I never had the chance to do. In my sincere honest belief, I think you and I were meant in a different life. You were always an awesome girlfriend, down ass chick to stick by my side through thick and thin. And if i was half the person I am today, I can guarantee we'd make the whole world jealous because in you I had found the better part of living. But since that's the past and we're in the present...I can only say thank you for loving me the way you did and I'm sorry for everything I have put you through.
I'm giving you the X's & O's,
-- the one that let you slip away
Talk about putting your heart into something. If this letter was to go out to her, I'd want to know how she felt or if she even cares or remembers. I need this out, I need to write out these thoughts and feelings.And I hope it's enough to help me get over this situation or help me forget for the time being.
Dear Destiny.....
I know you don't remember much of me and I think that is fine considering it's been so long since we last conversed. But I need to let you know that since we stopped, there have been little things here and there that trigger the memory of you and I that I just can't shake. If you knew my friends and those I surround myself with, you'd understand I really haven't gotten over you. It sickens them to know that I've moved on yet I still get depressed at the thought of what happened between us. What bothers them the most is that, its only you and nobody else that I can't shake. So is there a cure to get past this or is this going to constantly haunt me til the day I die ?
I wonder time to time if there was ever a chance for us in the end. For 5 years you held my heart and held it close that I was probably willing to give it all away to you and only you. You knew me better than anyone in this world could know me, better than my own mom who gave birth to me. And I wonder if giving you all me was the right thing to do during that time of ups and downs. You scared the shit out of me, knowing that you'd always want me there by your side and was never going to leave. It scared me more that you knew my weakness, you knew my flaws and you knew everything that can my world a happier place. When i knew all this, I scared myself and I forced myself to push you away. Push you so far away that you hated me and I hated myself for doing this to you. Nobody knows the truth of what happened to us and this is it, the truth that I in fact did push you away so far away that to this day I still question everything about us.
I see you now, knowing you have two girls and I have a boy of my own. And I know from my mistakes with you, I will teach him to do better to man up to his feelings and to stand his ground and not run from love. You've taught me so much and you don't even know it. You taught me to be a better person, to be honest and to not run. And for that I can only thank you because it lead me to where I am today. You've stole my heart and I must honestly say you still have pieces that I can't even replace. These scars still hurt knowing that I still care, knowing the damage I have done. And honestly I feel like the jackass that made everyone believe it as your fault that you were a bitch. You were the only girl that loved me with everything you had to offer. And I feel horrible knowing that I was the person who put you in the situation to where you can't trust nobody. I'm guilty for hurting and abusing you and I'm here serving a life sentence of heart ache that I don't know if I'll ever get over.
So here's my goodbye, I never had the chance to do. In my sincere honest belief, I think you and I were meant in a different life. You were always an awesome girlfriend, down ass chick to stick by my side through thick and thin. And if i was half the person I am today, I can guarantee we'd make the whole world jealous because in you I had found the better part of living. But since that's the past and we're in the present...I can only say thank you for loving me the way you did and I'm sorry for everything I have put you through.
I'm giving you the X's & O's,
-- the one that let you slip away
Talk about putting your heart into something. If this letter was to go out to her, I'd want to know how she felt or if she even cares or remembers. I need this out, I need to write out these thoughts and feelings.And I hope it's enough to help me get over this situation or help me forget for the time being.
Click to view