Au revoir
So, I gave Maelstrom a final go this event, and I've decided it isn't for me and came home early on Saturday night. Not the fault of my group, or anyone I was roleplaying with - they've all been fantastic. It just isn't any fun for me.
The main reason I think is largely to do with my own confidence. I don't like roleplaying with strangers. At Maelstrom, rightly or wrongly, I feel OC (and often IC) as though everything I do, say, wear, think, is being judged. I don't enjoy that feeling. I don't have the confidence to enjoy walking into a group of strangers (IC or OC) and attempt to integrate. It actually makes me want to vomit. Which is odd, because in most social situations I'm fine. It's just... this one, where everyone except me (it seems) is established, and I am effectively an interloper. I don't enjoy this on any level at all.
A subsidiary reason is related to the "established" thing. As a new character in Maelstrom, I feel it is impossible for me to do anything noteworthy or important or worth doing, because the long-established highly-skilled characters are doing those things. (I felt this as Darya too, by the way, though less so because surgery is basically always in demand in uptime.) Example: IC this event, I found out about the problem with the darkpowder. My character was interested and concerned, and wanted to do something about it. But she couldn't, because she didn't know any of the relevant people, and didn't have any of the relevant skills, and in any case the highly skilled established people were already dealing with it, and are busy and don't need bothering by a new character going "Ooh! Ooh me! Me, sir!" This is not a dig at those characters or their players in any way, I should probably clarify - more a feature of the game. I know that, if I were to stick around for a few festivals, I would gain the skills and contacts to become useful and worthwhile. But to be honest, I'm not prepared to spend four boring events standing around feeling like a spare part, and paying a lot of money to do it, before I start having any fun. Sod that.
Essentially, the "have fun at Maelstrom" skill appears to have around a three or four-event teach time, and has a substantial financial buy-in to attend those events, not to mention inevitably spending that time feeling like an intruder and as though I might as well go home. This isn't the fault of anyone I roleplay with. It isn't a case of other people needing to "include" me more, or in some way put themselves out for me - I'm responsible for my own fun. It isn't the character either - I felt like this as Darya too a lot of the time, even though she was one of my favourite ever characters to play, and was extroverted and incredibly good fun. Despite that and the brilliant roleplay I got, I still spent a lot of time feeling OC rubbish about myself because I couldn't bring myself to just join in with strangers. It's like being a wallflower at a party - miserable because I lack the courage to get on the dancefloor, but if someone drags me there, I just feel worse and bring everyone down by being self-conscious and unhappy.
So yes. I don't have any plans to return to Maelstrom. Things may change, but it currently seems unlikely. I should probably say that I'm not unhappy (apart from feeling I've let down my group by failing to have fun. People do say 'Well if you don't want or expect to have fun, then you won't!', but it's not as sodding simple as that. I can't *make* myself enjoy something that I don't, and I'm not clear on why I seem to be expected to. Nonetheless I do suspect I held my group back and rather flattened the mood by not being very up for it or positive, even if they're too kind to say so, and for that I apologise.) This isn't an EMO WOE post, possibly somewhat surprisingly. I've pretty much made my decision, and I'm pretty certain that there actually isn't anything beyond a confidence transplant that would make my game better. If nothing else, my bank balance will be better off for it.
Happy trails. :)
The main reason I think is largely to do with my own confidence. I don't like roleplaying with strangers. At Maelstrom, rightly or wrongly, I feel OC (and often IC) as though everything I do, say, wear, think, is being judged. I don't enjoy that feeling. I don't have the confidence to enjoy walking into a group of strangers (IC or OC) and attempt to integrate. It actually makes me want to vomit. Which is odd, because in most social situations I'm fine. It's just... this one, where everyone except me (it seems) is established, and I am effectively an interloper. I don't enjoy this on any level at all.
A subsidiary reason is related to the "established" thing. As a new character in Maelstrom, I feel it is impossible for me to do anything noteworthy or important or worth doing, because the long-established highly-skilled characters are doing those things. (I felt this as Darya too, by the way, though less so because surgery is basically always in demand in uptime.) Example: IC this event, I found out about the problem with the darkpowder. My character was interested and concerned, and wanted to do something about it. But she couldn't, because she didn't know any of the relevant people, and didn't have any of the relevant skills, and in any case the highly skilled established people were already dealing with it, and are busy and don't need bothering by a new character going "Ooh! Ooh me! Me, sir!" This is not a dig at those characters or their players in any way, I should probably clarify - more a feature of the game. I know that, if I were to stick around for a few festivals, I would gain the skills and contacts to become useful and worthwhile. But to be honest, I'm not prepared to spend four boring events standing around feeling like a spare part, and paying a lot of money to do it, before I start having any fun. Sod that.
Essentially, the "have fun at Maelstrom" skill appears to have around a three or four-event teach time, and has a substantial financial buy-in to attend those events, not to mention inevitably spending that time feeling like an intruder and as though I might as well go home. This isn't the fault of anyone I roleplay with. It isn't a case of other people needing to "include" me more, or in some way put themselves out for me - I'm responsible for my own fun. It isn't the character either - I felt like this as Darya too a lot of the time, even though she was one of my favourite ever characters to play, and was extroverted and incredibly good fun. Despite that and the brilliant roleplay I got, I still spent a lot of time feeling OC rubbish about myself because I couldn't bring myself to just join in with strangers. It's like being a wallflower at a party - miserable because I lack the courage to get on the dancefloor, but if someone drags me there, I just feel worse and bring everyone down by being self-conscious and unhappy.
So yes. I don't have any plans to return to Maelstrom. Things may change, but it currently seems unlikely. I should probably say that I'm not unhappy (apart from feeling I've let down my group by failing to have fun. People do say 'Well if you don't want or expect to have fun, then you won't!', but it's not as sodding simple as that. I can't *make* myself enjoy something that I don't, and I'm not clear on why I seem to be expected to. Nonetheless I do suspect I held my group back and rather flattened the mood by not being very up for it or positive, even if they're too kind to say so, and for that I apologise.) This isn't an EMO WOE post, possibly somewhat surprisingly. I've pretty much made my decision, and I'm pretty certain that there actually isn't anything beyond a confidence transplant that would make my game better. If nothing else, my bank balance will be better off for it.
Happy trails. :)