It's been a long time...
I haven't posted a deep, meaningful blog in quite a while, so here is my attempt at one:
It seems that monotony is an overall feeling that is being drilled into me as often as the higher powers find it necessary. 50 hour weeks at Strauss were not what I had in mind as I was sitting in a classroom at Lakeland Regional, dreaming of where I would be in three years. I know i'm the only one who can change what I am doing with my life, so I should probably stop complaining, but for now, I feel like letting some frustrations out.
Logan. My Godson. I san see you 18 years from now. Looking at me. Asking me questions about your mother and your father. Asking me about how they got along and why they aren't together. Would I really want to answer those questions? If my Godson asked me those questions...who am I to bend the truth? I would tell him that they feel a distain for each other. People just fall out of love, I suppose. As horrifying a concept as that sounds, I believe it. I would tell him that they always would worry about who was right and who was wrong. I would tell him that, after a while, they figured out that it wasn't about who was right and who was wrong. It was about doing what was best for you. They realized that and they both swallowed their pride. They both stopped talking about each other and how the other was doing a horrible job of taking care of you. I would tell him that I loved him and No matter what was going on with his parents, that they loved him more than anything. Along with me, your godmother, and the countless mass of friends generated by Tom's side and Courey's side, we all love you, and we all consider you our son. I would tell him that he is never without someone who loves him, because we all do. As far as I'm concerned, to all the people who are saying "Tom is right" or "Courey is right" should stop and think about the side they are taking. Everyone even slightly involved in this situation should be one one side and one side only: Logan's.
On another note: I miss my friends. I miss Mike, Joe, Tom, Ray, Chris, Hanzo, Duffman, Mr. Heaney, Nick, Sean (his whole family for that matter), and so many others who I am slowly losing touch with. I love all of you guys and I miss you. It hurts my heart to see that I am doing nothing to stop it. I am being slowly enveloped by work and stress. I know, this is no excuse and I need to step up and do something. I will...
Additionally, I have held this inside for a while. As of January 31st, 2006, at 10:00 pm, I am exactly 20 years, 274 days, 3 hours and 17 minutes old. And in my 20 years, 274 days, 3 hours, and 17 minutes of life, I have endured few hardships. Many a life has been far worse off than mine. I can recall, to this day, the hardest time in my life. Standing in a yellow-painted room, seeing a woman you have felt something strong for, lying on her bed. Taking your hand. Your heart pounds in a way vastly unfamiliar that any other time you were even as remotely nervous. She peers into your eyes, past your face, crashing through the veneer of the clichéd “I’m a man and nothing can make me break” attitude, and ensnares your soul. Floating out of her lips…one word. In a voice so soft only you and the thousands of ghosts still bound to this earth can hear…
“Please?”
I pose this to any man who may come across this: I deify you to be in this same situation and keep a straight face. To look her straight in the eye and say a flat out “No”.
You know not to lie down next to her, because you know what will happen if you do. You know that it’s not the right thing to do. You know that your morals and your integrity should have you steered away from questioning yourself. Maybe you weren’t ready for it. It’s an absolute roller coaster ride, isn’t it?
One might read this and say, ”From the way he’s writing, he sounds like he regrets making that decision.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. I am glad it happened the way it has. Life should never be certain. Not for one second. I’ve always hated being uncertain. Not knowing where I will be in a week, a month, a year. It’s a horrifying feeling. Although I hate it, I know that it should be accepted, because it’s the way it will always be.
I’ve been involved for a little over 7 months. I wouldn’t trade a single day for anything. This is the fruition spawned from 5 years of being silent. 5 years of want. It’s beyond anything I thought I was capable of.
One thing that gets me a little down…the night was perfect. Everything I thought it was, everything I thought it could be. My fantasies were shattered compared to what it was. My fantasies were a watered down, silly little version of what it actually turned out to be was. In a word: Indescribable. My only regret was not being able to stay with her. Not being able to fall asleep with her. I always pictured that I would be able to get everything I wanted the first time out. I did…but that one thing slipped away.
It’s amusing to talk to other men about sex. They always want details. Yea, we talk about it. I have discovered, however, that I have a different take on sex:
For me, it’s about being close. It’s about realizing that, no matter how close you get, you just can’t get close enough. You can catch each other’s eyes across a room full of friends and just get that sense. You give each other that smile like “Man, I wish I could get close to you”. You can be lying next to each other in your bed. You can feel her body heat. Your arms around her. You still have that feeling that you re not close enough. You pull her closer. You want to squeeze her to make sure those pesky molecules between you and her disseminate and you are completely one mass.
That still won’t do it for you.
You touch.
You kiss.
It’s euphoric, but it still won’t do it for you.
You know what you have to do, so you do it
I never thought I would be so dripping with such a need, but I am. God, I am.
To those of you who doubt, I say: “It’s over then it’s over” If it’s not meant to happen, it won’t. Don’t tell me to get out; don’t tell me to get away. Don’t tell me to stop. Only one person can tell me to do that.
She knows who she is, and it’s not you.
To those of you who believe, I say: Thank you for your support. Don’t think it will go unnoticed. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I'm sorry if I upset anyone through this entry, but this is where I stand.
Am I wrong for having an opinion?
So be it
-F
It seems that monotony is an overall feeling that is being drilled into me as often as the higher powers find it necessary. 50 hour weeks at Strauss were not what I had in mind as I was sitting in a classroom at Lakeland Regional, dreaming of where I would be in three years. I know i'm the only one who can change what I am doing with my life, so I should probably stop complaining, but for now, I feel like letting some frustrations out.
Logan. My Godson. I san see you 18 years from now. Looking at me. Asking me questions about your mother and your father. Asking me about how they got along and why they aren't together. Would I really want to answer those questions? If my Godson asked me those questions...who am I to bend the truth? I would tell him that they feel a distain for each other. People just fall out of love, I suppose. As horrifying a concept as that sounds, I believe it. I would tell him that they always would worry about who was right and who was wrong. I would tell him that, after a while, they figured out that it wasn't about who was right and who was wrong. It was about doing what was best for you. They realized that and they both swallowed their pride. They both stopped talking about each other and how the other was doing a horrible job of taking care of you. I would tell him that I loved him and No matter what was going on with his parents, that they loved him more than anything. Along with me, your godmother, and the countless mass of friends generated by Tom's side and Courey's side, we all love you, and we all consider you our son. I would tell him that he is never without someone who loves him, because we all do. As far as I'm concerned, to all the people who are saying "Tom is right" or "Courey is right" should stop and think about the side they are taking. Everyone even slightly involved in this situation should be one one side and one side only: Logan's.
On another note: I miss my friends. I miss Mike, Joe, Tom, Ray, Chris, Hanzo, Duffman, Mr. Heaney, Nick, Sean (his whole family for that matter), and so many others who I am slowly losing touch with. I love all of you guys and I miss you. It hurts my heart to see that I am doing nothing to stop it. I am being slowly enveloped by work and stress. I know, this is no excuse and I need to step up and do something. I will...
Additionally, I have held this inside for a while. As of January 31st, 2006, at 10:00 pm, I am exactly 20 years, 274 days, 3 hours and 17 minutes old. And in my 20 years, 274 days, 3 hours, and 17 minutes of life, I have endured few hardships. Many a life has been far worse off than mine. I can recall, to this day, the hardest time in my life. Standing in a yellow-painted room, seeing a woman you have felt something strong for, lying on her bed. Taking your hand. Your heart pounds in a way vastly unfamiliar that any other time you were even as remotely nervous. She peers into your eyes, past your face, crashing through the veneer of the clichéd “I’m a man and nothing can make me break” attitude, and ensnares your soul. Floating out of her lips…one word. In a voice so soft only you and the thousands of ghosts still bound to this earth can hear…
“Please?”
I pose this to any man who may come across this: I deify you to be in this same situation and keep a straight face. To look her straight in the eye and say a flat out “No”.
You know not to lie down next to her, because you know what will happen if you do. You know that it’s not the right thing to do. You know that your morals and your integrity should have you steered away from questioning yourself. Maybe you weren’t ready for it. It’s an absolute roller coaster ride, isn’t it?
One might read this and say, ”From the way he’s writing, he sounds like he regrets making that decision.” This couldn’t be further from the truth. I am glad it happened the way it has. Life should never be certain. Not for one second. I’ve always hated being uncertain. Not knowing where I will be in a week, a month, a year. It’s a horrifying feeling. Although I hate it, I know that it should be accepted, because it’s the way it will always be.
I’ve been involved for a little over 7 months. I wouldn’t trade a single day for anything. This is the fruition spawned from 5 years of being silent. 5 years of want. It’s beyond anything I thought I was capable of.
One thing that gets me a little down…the night was perfect. Everything I thought it was, everything I thought it could be. My fantasies were shattered compared to what it was. My fantasies were a watered down, silly little version of what it actually turned out to be was. In a word: Indescribable. My only regret was not being able to stay with her. Not being able to fall asleep with her. I always pictured that I would be able to get everything I wanted the first time out. I did…but that one thing slipped away.
It’s amusing to talk to other men about sex. They always want details. Yea, we talk about it. I have discovered, however, that I have a different take on sex:
For me, it’s about being close. It’s about realizing that, no matter how close you get, you just can’t get close enough. You can catch each other’s eyes across a room full of friends and just get that sense. You give each other that smile like “Man, I wish I could get close to you”. You can be lying next to each other in your bed. You can feel her body heat. Your arms around her. You still have that feeling that you re not close enough. You pull her closer. You want to squeeze her to make sure those pesky molecules between you and her disseminate and you are completely one mass.
That still won’t do it for you.
You touch.
You kiss.
It’s euphoric, but it still won’t do it for you.
You know what you have to do, so you do it
I never thought I would be so dripping with such a need, but I am. God, I am.
To those of you who doubt, I say: “It’s over then it’s over” If it’s not meant to happen, it won’t. Don’t tell me to get out; don’t tell me to get away. Don’t tell me to stop. Only one person can tell me to do that.
She knows who she is, and it’s not you.
To those of you who believe, I say: Thank you for your support. Don’t think it will go unnoticed. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I'm sorry if I upset anyone through this entry, but this is where I stand.
Am I wrong for having an opinion?
So be it
-F