(no subject)
I hurt.
Brayden stopped by my house. I forgot how blunt he is. He stopped by, I was in sweatpants and an ugly bun and just... it was a study day, not a "meet the guy you miss most outside your house" day. But he told me to jump in his truck, and so I did (only after changing into jeans though).
And we talked. We talked a lot. We talked for two hours, in his car, at the look-out on vinyard mountain (the one where you can see all of Corvallis).
So now I hurt. Because he asked me, no, he told me to tell him what to do to make me feel happy and good and better. He told me to ask him to do whatever I wanted, to do something for myself for once and let him take care of me. I refused. He kept asking, begging, arguing, I kept refusing.
Because to me, it boils down to this: ask for what I want, let him fufill it, be happy. But then he'll leave and I'll hurt terribly. Hurt like I can't afford to hurt. Or, I refuse him, ignore him, ask him to leave, and still hurt. Hurt badly, but not more than I can handle. Be lonely, and cold, and tired. But hurt less.
I miss him. I wish he hadn't come to my house. I wish he just left things alone. Now I can't even write to him...
What have I done?
Brayden stopped by my house. I forgot how blunt he is. He stopped by, I was in sweatpants and an ugly bun and just... it was a study day, not a "meet the guy you miss most outside your house" day. But he told me to jump in his truck, and so I did (only after changing into jeans though).
And we talked. We talked a lot. We talked for two hours, in his car, at the look-out on vinyard mountain (the one where you can see all of Corvallis).
So now I hurt. Because he asked me, no, he told me to tell him what to do to make me feel happy and good and better. He told me to ask him to do whatever I wanted, to do something for myself for once and let him take care of me. I refused. He kept asking, begging, arguing, I kept refusing.
Because to me, it boils down to this: ask for what I want, let him fufill it, be happy. But then he'll leave and I'll hurt terribly. Hurt like I can't afford to hurt. Or, I refuse him, ignore him, ask him to leave, and still hurt. Hurt badly, but not more than I can handle. Be lonely, and cold, and tired. But hurt less.
I miss him. I wish he hadn't come to my house. I wish he just left things alone. Now I can't even write to him...
What have I done?