This is a first for me
Well, I can't believe this but I'm writing this during class. I'm listening to the lecture of course but still...odd for me. The class is my Administration and Management course. It's probably my favorite class only because it is not only directly applicable to my goals.
Speaking of my goals, I'm finding again that I am not sure what it is that I want to do And readers I may have of course have heard this several times now already but I'm going through it again. At least this time it isn't because i feel disconnected from my colleagues but rather because I suppose I feel like while SOMEONE must do this and teh job will always be valuable, i wonder if this will take me to the pinnacle of my talents. Now I know this may make it sound like I think I have a lot to offer but I do not. Or rather, I don't know. I'm not sure what my limits are and I don't know how to test said limits. I have noticed, in my most lucid and objectional moments, that I have never felt really challenged. That's not to say I haven't had all-nighters for homework and that I haven't agonized over assignments but I don't believe that my feelings at those times reflect my personal view of my abilities. Rather, I agonize because I don't know my limits..at least not as well as I'd prefer. The fear I feel stems from not knowing my own strength. I have never striven for better than a "B" average and while I wouldn't mind an "A", I just don't care. I have yet to find that which propels me to those heights. I feel I'm lacking something very important because of this. I wonder if this is a lack of drive for life. Hmmm. Not sure.
I sometimes wonder if I would feel any different if I had plowed through my misgivings for veterinary service and got my degree in that instead. Again, I'll never know but it isn't too late. Yet, I don't want to move on that idea.
Maybe someday I'll find what it takes to get a veterinary degree and go from there. Who knows, maybe I'll do everything I've ever wanted...or maybe i'll stumble on something else. Hmmmm. I hate the uncertainty but it is a great feeling to think that I could and that I don't ever have to stop....but then again, I want a family and a house and stable life...so can I do anything else but move forward? Or can I change as I wish? When or where is the cut-off?
Speaking of my goals, I'm finding again that I am not sure what it is that I want to do And readers I may have of course have heard this several times now already but I'm going through it again. At least this time it isn't because i feel disconnected from my colleagues but rather because I suppose I feel like while SOMEONE must do this and teh job will always be valuable, i wonder if this will take me to the pinnacle of my talents. Now I know this may make it sound like I think I have a lot to offer but I do not. Or rather, I don't know. I'm not sure what my limits are and I don't know how to test said limits. I have noticed, in my most lucid and objectional moments, that I have never felt really challenged. That's not to say I haven't had all-nighters for homework and that I haven't agonized over assignments but I don't believe that my feelings at those times reflect my personal view of my abilities. Rather, I agonize because I don't know my limits..at least not as well as I'd prefer. The fear I feel stems from not knowing my own strength. I have never striven for better than a "B" average and while I wouldn't mind an "A", I just don't care. I have yet to find that which propels me to those heights. I feel I'm lacking something very important because of this. I wonder if this is a lack of drive for life. Hmmm. Not sure.
I sometimes wonder if I would feel any different if I had plowed through my misgivings for veterinary service and got my degree in that instead. Again, I'll never know but it isn't too late. Yet, I don't want to move on that idea.
Maybe someday I'll find what it takes to get a veterinary degree and go from there. Who knows, maybe I'll do everything I've ever wanted...or maybe i'll stumble on something else. Hmmmm. I hate the uncertainty but it is a great feeling to think that I could and that I don't ever have to stop....but then again, I want a family and a house and stable life...so can I do anything else but move forward? Or can I change as I wish? When or where is the cut-off?