(Untitled)
itp: I will be comment-spamming HIMYM J2 for bekkis. IT WILL NOT BE AS AWESOME AS THIS CONCEPT DESERVES, BUT HOPEFULLY WILL SATISFY THE ITCH UNTIL SOMEONE DOES IT PROPERLY.
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OVER. I AM NOT A WINNER.
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OVER. I AM NOT A WINNER.
"Why am I in on this plan?" asks Jensen.
"Because Aldis is boring and married, and Misha is tragically misguided."
"On a date," Jensen supplies.
"Also, straight."
"Remember when Misha dated me?" asks Jensen. "That whole year?"
Jared snorts. "Please, as if I could forget. Worst year of my life."
"Seriously?"
"No wingmen! Do you know what that's like?"
"Torture," agrees Jensen.
"Exactly," says Jared. "Anyway. We're astronauts on shore leave."
"Earth leave?" asks Jensen.
Jared appraises him. "Nice touch, Ackles. We might make you good at this, someday."
"Yippee," says Jensen.
But he totally goes along with it.
Later, Jared will identify this as the beginning of his downfall.
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Not that Jared would object, because Jensen? Hot! But still. Lines must be drawn. This is why Jared will never fuck Misha. Also, he's Misha. If Jared fucked Misha, Misha would immediately follow-up by confessing eternal love, and asking Jared to marry him.
Anyway.
Then Jensen betrayed Jared's ideals of hookups and bromance, and started dating Misha. Which was tragic, but Jared got by. Jared is that awesome. He can get by.
Jensen and Misha break up, and Jared thinks that's great. Two wingmen. Three musketeers. Maybe Aldis can come sometimes, when he's not being whipped.
But then, that's not what happens.
Like, not at all.
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"Great, now he's switched teams," Jared mutters. "Doesn't this bother you?" he asks Jensen.
"No," says Jensen. "We broke up. What do I care?"
The second thing that happens is that Jared fucks Jensen.
Honestly, he's amazed this didn't happen sooner. After all, the bro code is rather confusing when both your friends are bros, and when of them is devastatingly hot, and has the same hobbies you do, and plays laser tag with you and collects guns.
They have really amazing sex for one night, definitely up there with the best sex of Jared's life, and then he decides it can never be, because, well ( ... )
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It's really not a big deal, after all. He and Jensen had sex. Once. Well, one night. Several times within that night, depending on how you count, but whatever. On only one occasion.
Whatever.
The problem is that because it's Jensen--who is his wingman, and friend, and kind of his favorite person (as a bro, clearly) in the world--so he thinks it should be different from any other one-night stand ( ... )
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But the thing is--Jared loves his friends. He's loyal, and he's actually kind of needy, and kind of crazy, and being separated from everyone because Misha is mad at him is almost the worst thing he can imagine ( ... )
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Step two is somehow convincing Misha that it's okay if he fucks Jensen again. Because step three is fucking Jensen out of his system ( ... )
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"Don't think I like you enough that I won't risk getting your blood on my suit," Jared grumbles.
"Jared's in love!" says Aldis.
"I don't even like you as much as her."
"That's just mean," says Aldis. "Why you gotta be like that?"
"You stole my best friend," says Jared morosely.
"One, I knew him first. Two, you just slept with his ex, so any losing you're doing? Your own fault. But he's kind of a romantic, so now you're in love he thinks it's sweet."
"I'm not in love with Jensen," says Jared. He feels like he's five again, and protesting his bedtime. "I hooked up with a Swedish masseuse yesterday. I barely remember Jensen's last name."
"Do you remember the Swedish masseuse's first name?" asks Danneel.
"Lars," says Jared. "Duh."
Of course, that's when Jensen comes in with a guy, some big, musclebound hunk who, well. He's not as big or as musclebound as Jared, but Jensen is laughing and holding this guy's arm, and Jared feels every inch of his body go mine!"Fuck," says Jared ( ... )
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Or, rather, it clearly is, and he needs to fuck him out with other people.
So, as Danneel puts it, he steps his manwhore up to eleven.
It's not the best system ever, because "haaaave you met me?" is not the world's best pickup line, but Misha is engaged, Aldis and Danneel are married, and Jensen is not only with Tom but the cause of all his problems, so Jared has no choice but to be his own wingman.
He gets laid, of course. Jared oozes charm, and his incredible body and stunning good looks make up for a lot of minor issues, like not having a wingman and being repeatedly distracted by thoughts of green eyes and smile lines.
So, yeah. Jared's life? Awesome.
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Not completely, of course--there are a lot of gay guys in the world, but he runs out of ones who come to Maclaren's, and actually ends up repeat hitting on a guy who he already slept with, which is always embarrassing.
And the bitch of it is, he's still thinking about Jensen. And Jensen's still dating Tom, who, from what Jared can tell, has no personality. Not that Jared has given him much of a chance, but if Tom can't force his personality upon Jared, he's clearly not good enough for Jensen anyway.
"You could tell him," says Danneel.
"Danny," says Jared, shaking his head. "You know better."
She rests her head on his shoulder. "I think you'd be good together."
It's amazing how good it makes Jared feel, hearing her say that.
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"You know," he says, to the blond guy at the bar, "my ship is leaving in two hours, and I don't know when I'll next be able to ask this, or the next time you'll be allowed to talk about it."
The guy turns, and Jared realizes he is hitting on mother-fucking Neil Patrick Harris. Which is actually kind of a life-long dream, because what self-respecting gay guy doesn't want to hit on Neil Patrick Harris? Even if he is taken.
Neil Patrick Harris looks him up and down. "That was weak."
"Yeah, um," Jared manages. "Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Harris. I didn't know it was you. I haven't exactly been bringing my A-game recently."
"Well," says Neil Patrick Harris, "sit down, call me Neil, and tell me all about it."
Which is how Jared ends up confessing, to Neil Patrick Harris, over martinis, that he is actually in love with my best friend's ex.
"I didn't want to be," he says. "I didn't try to. He's just--he gets me. He plays laser tag with me. He likes my stupid stories. Sometimes we would just ( ... )
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"Because your suffering is hilarious."
Golden.
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