(no subject)
I Found the Safest Place to Keep All Our Tenderness
416, Sam, 546 words, gen
Dean's never been fragile before.
But he is now, is in a way that Sam's never seen.
He thinks it's probably always been like this for Dean. Dean is the older brother, has always treated Sam like something on the verge of breaking, on the verge of being lost. And Sam mostly believed him, because Dean used to always be right. Even when Sam ran away, even when Sam was angry, even when Dean just blindly followed dad, he was right, something moral.
Now, Sam wonders if that's why the angels saved him. If Dean really is the right brother.
He knows what that makes him.
*
The second thing Dean was wrong about was selling his soul.
Sam knew in the pit of his stomach that wasn't right. He knows that cheating death never turns out well, even when he wants it, and he only wants it when it means Dean lives.
But it turns out once you break something, it's never as good as it started out.
*
Sam holds Dean's hand until he wakes up.
He holds Dean's hand while the angels do whatever angels do, while the demons do whatever demons do, while the whole world dies, for all he cares.
He has to take care of Dean now, because it's never been clearer that Dean won't take care of himself.
Dean wakes up in the middle of the night, his voice split open.
"Cas," is what he says.
Sam wants to throw all of fucking heaven against a wall, squeeze it until it explodes and candy comes out. He wants to do that to pretty much everything these days; the angels and demons can't kill each other if they're all dead.
He didn't know you were there, Sam tells himself. And it's good he didn't. He takes a deep breath, like he's doing yoga or some shit.
"Dean," he says.
Dean turns, slowly. "Sammy," he croaks.
"Dean," he says, and squeezes Dean's hand.
Dean snorts, but it turns into a cough, dry and hacking. "Dude," he manages, "you're such a girl."
Sam has to laugh; he isn't sure how to hold it back. He doesn't know what to do. He wants Dean to stay here in the hospital forever. Or until Sam sorts everything out.
"How're you feeling?"
"Peachy."
"You need anything?"
"Coffee," says Dean.
When Sam gets back, Dean is crying.
"What happened?"
"I got the shit beat out of me," says Dean.
Sam's not sure who started the lying anymore.
His money is on Dean.
*
Sam got taller than Dean when he was seventeen.
Sam got stronger than Dean when he was eighteen, he guesses--he wasn't with Dean when it happened.
Sam died first, but there was that day, that Tuesday, that Wednesday, the day that never ended, the day when Sam saw every possible way his brother could die.
It was so easy to kill Dean.
Someone has to take care of him.
Sam's the big brother now.
*
Sam stretches his fingers. He wonders if he could kill Castiel.
He wonders if Dean would understand if he did.
*
The first mistake Dean ever made was Sam.
Sam's not sure he's ever been what Dean thought he should be.
But this is what he is now.
Song download: The Weakerthans : My Favorite Chords
416, Sam, 546 words, gen
Dean's never been fragile before.
But he is now, is in a way that Sam's never seen.
He thinks it's probably always been like this for Dean. Dean is the older brother, has always treated Sam like something on the verge of breaking, on the verge of being lost. And Sam mostly believed him, because Dean used to always be right. Even when Sam ran away, even when Sam was angry, even when Dean just blindly followed dad, he was right, something moral.
Now, Sam wonders if that's why the angels saved him. If Dean really is the right brother.
He knows what that makes him.
*
The second thing Dean was wrong about was selling his soul.
Sam knew in the pit of his stomach that wasn't right. He knows that cheating death never turns out well, even when he wants it, and he only wants it when it means Dean lives.
But it turns out once you break something, it's never as good as it started out.
*
Sam holds Dean's hand until he wakes up.
He holds Dean's hand while the angels do whatever angels do, while the demons do whatever demons do, while the whole world dies, for all he cares.
He has to take care of Dean now, because it's never been clearer that Dean won't take care of himself.
Dean wakes up in the middle of the night, his voice split open.
"Cas," is what he says.
Sam wants to throw all of fucking heaven against a wall, squeeze it until it explodes and candy comes out. He wants to do that to pretty much everything these days; the angels and demons can't kill each other if they're all dead.
He didn't know you were there, Sam tells himself. And it's good he didn't. He takes a deep breath, like he's doing yoga or some shit.
"Dean," he says.
Dean turns, slowly. "Sammy," he croaks.
"Dean," he says, and squeezes Dean's hand.
Dean snorts, but it turns into a cough, dry and hacking. "Dude," he manages, "you're such a girl."
Sam has to laugh; he isn't sure how to hold it back. He doesn't know what to do. He wants Dean to stay here in the hospital forever. Or until Sam sorts everything out.
"How're you feeling?"
"Peachy."
"You need anything?"
"Coffee," says Dean.
When Sam gets back, Dean is crying.
"What happened?"
"I got the shit beat out of me," says Dean.
Sam's not sure who started the lying anymore.
His money is on Dean.
*
Sam got taller than Dean when he was seventeen.
Sam got stronger than Dean when he was eighteen, he guesses--he wasn't with Dean when it happened.
Sam died first, but there was that day, that Tuesday, that Wednesday, the day that never ended, the day when Sam saw every possible way his brother could die.
It was so easy to kill Dean.
Someone has to take care of him.
Sam's the big brother now.
*
Sam stretches his fingers. He wonders if he could kill Castiel.
He wonders if Dean would understand if he did.
*
The first mistake Dean ever made was Sam.
Sam's not sure he's ever been what Dean thought he should be.
But this is what he is now.
Song download: The Weakerthans : My Favorite Chords