CWRPS fic: Your Brains Are No Match For My Tractorbeam 2/3 (Jared/Jensen, NC-17)
Jensen spends his night seriously reconsidering things.
Jared would have slept with him tonight. He's sure of that--Jared was kissing him like he meant it, like he wanted it.
And Jensen had said no.
This means he isn't interested in Jared just for sex. He might not even be interested in Jared primarily for sex. He had been upset by the idea that Jared kissing him wasn't honest, wasn't what Jared wanted. He had been concerned that to have sex with Jared would have been taking advantage, would have hurt Jared.
He didn't want Jared like that, didn't want Jared to be unhappy and desperate and drunk, turning to Jensen out of frustration at someone else.
He wanted Jared to be genuinely interested in him.
Unfortunately, it was even more than that.
Jensen has never kissed people much before, but kissing Jared had been--he'd liked it. Liked the noises Jared made, like he liked it too. Loved the feeling of Jared licking into his mouth, the affectionate way Jared's fingers brushed at his cheek, his neck.
Jensen really likes Jared.
Jensen might be in love with Jared.
He's been skirting around the idea ever since he sent Jared away, aware of the confusing swirl of feelings, aware that if all he'd wanted was sex, he could have had it. It would have been a complete asshole move, yes, but Jensen's been a complete asshole before. Jensen is certainly not the world's best human being. But he can't even think about taking something Jared doesn't want to give him. Can't think about taking sex from Jared, knowing that Jared might not want it. Might not even remember it.
Because almost as bad as Jared not wanting it is Jared not caring one way or another. Maybe Jared is always drunk and horny, willing to go with the first body he finds. And Jensen doesn't want to be that meaningless person.
Jensen hates everything.
He might be in love with Jared. But he's not willing to take that plunge yet. After all, he doesn't have all the data. All he knows is that he likes Jared and enjoyed kissing him and wants to have sex with him, but not enough to do so without Jared's consent and mutual desire.
Wikipedia, Jensen knows, is not the best place to get information. Anyone can go in there and add information, which means that, for scientific inquiry, it's completely useless.
On the other hand, science and romance are completely different. No matter what people say about "chemistry."
So Jensen hits up wikipedia, which tells him that "love" is an abstract concept referring to any number of different types of feelings, from friendly to familial to romantic. The article on romantic love is really long and talks about Kierkegaard, and Jensen doesn't think it has any answers for him.
Googling "Am I in love?" results in a number of quizzes from websites with names like teenadvice.about.com and romancetracker. Jensen tries the one from teenadvice and finds the entire thing does not apply to him because he is not actually currently in a relationship with Jared.
By this point, it's six a.m., and Jensen is exhausted. He has to accept that he's not going to figure out if he's in love with Jared right this minute, and pretty much all he can be sure of is that his feelings for Jared are not limited to wanting to fuck him.
That is still a pretty major factor, however, so Jensen hits the shower and fists his cock in his hand, thinking of Jared's kiss, Jared's hands, Jared's body firm against his.
After that, he goes to sleep.
He wakes up seven hours later to a steady pounding at the door and some yelling.
He pulls a shirt over his head and sticks his glasses on, waiting for the world to come into focus.
"Hi," says Jared breathlessly, when Jensen opens the door. "I am a fucking idiot and I'm sorry."
Jensen waves his hand. "It's okay. What's up?"
"Um. That?"
"What?"
"I'm really sorry about last night," says Jared in a rush. "I shouldn't have..."
"You were drunk," Jensen replies. "Alcohol has that effect on some people. There are studies."
"Made Gabe talkative," says Jared, smiling a little.
"Really?"
"Yeah! I guess it was after you left, but man, it was awesome. He started hitting on Sandy."
"Your ex-girlfriend?"
"Yeah!" Jared laughs. "I think she liked him. Totally amazing."
"But she's your ex," says Jensen. He doesn't really get Jared's position here.
"Ex, man."
"Yeah, but...never mind."
"Are we still doing paintball?" asks Jared, sounding a little sheepish. "Or...?"
"Should be," says Jensen. "Let me call Chad and Gabe."
He's heading in to do just that when Jared grabs his arm. "But we're cool, right?"
Jensen swallows and hopes Jared doesn't notice. "We're cool."
*
Jensen decides, after paintball, that what he should do is get laid.
Jensen very rarely decides to get laid. But it seems like the most logical choice right now. He might just be horny, after all, and his horniness is screwing with his brain.
Besides, it's his understanding that being in love means that he won't want to sleep with anyone else. Assuming he is monogamous. These things haven't really come up before. Jensen wonders if this is weird.
Jensen is not actually good at sleeping people. Bars freak him out--they're dirty and creepy and he doesn't trust his fluids with people he doesn't know.
So he's got Kyle.
Kyle Gallner is scrawny and mousy and not particularly attractive; Jensen likes him and all, but he's not really someone who makes Jensen that sexually excited.
That said, they have an agreement, based on mutual lack of social skills, that they hook up when they feel the need to hook up with someone.
It is Jensen's understanding that this is called a booty call.
"Hey, Jensen," says Kyle, picking up on the second ring. "What's up?"
"I might be in love," says Jensen. "I need to have sex to figure out if I'm right."
"Okay," says Kyle. "But my sister's visiting. Can it wait a couple days?"
"Yeah, that's fine," Jensen agrees. He'd like to find out sooner rather than later, but he doesn't want to interrupt Kyle's visiting time with his sister. In theory, he guesses he could just sleep with someone else, but in reality the only other person he knows who would sleep with him no questions asked would be Chad, and Jensen is never, ever going to be willing to go there.
Ever.
So he's going to have to wait until Kyle is free.
Jensen's life is really difficult.
*
"So you're in love?"
"Maybe," says Jensen morosely.
"Huh," says Kyle. "What's it like?"
"I think about him a lot," Jensen mutters. "I want to have sex with him. He kissed me and I liked it way more than I usually like kissing. Um. I like listening to him talk even though he talks about America's Next Top Model."
"Wow," says Kyle. "It sounds weird."
"It is."
"He really kissed you?"
"Yeah."
"Huh. Think we should try it?"
"What, kissing?"
"Yeah. Maybe you just like kissing more than you used to."
"Good point," says Jensen. "Yeah, let's do that."
Jensen leans over to kiss Kyle. Kyle is shorter than Jensen, and naturally shorter than Jared by a lot. He's scrawny and small. Kissing him is unremarkable; Jensen doesn't care that much about keeping at it. Kyle tastes like nothing in particular, and his chest seems almost fragile against Jensen's. It's never bothered him before; Kyle works, generally.
Except Kyle is not what Jensen wants.
He deepens the kiss anyway, puts his hand on Kyle's face, tries to determine if there's something he can do to make this as good as kissing Jared was.
Naturally, that's when Jared comes in.
"God, Jensen, I'm a fucking idiot, I--" He stops short as Jensen turns, his stomach sinking. In that moment, watching Jared turn bright red and drop his gaze to the ground and shuffle his feet, Jensen knows, utterly and surely, that he is in love. "I'm really sorry," he says. "I just--uh. Need the spare key I left here. Um. Yeah. I'm--bye."
And Jared leaves.
"Fuck," says Jensen, his head falling against the back of the couch.
"So, you're in love with him?" asks Kyle.
"Yeah," says Jensen. "A lot."
"Sorry."
"Wasn't your fault. We should have gone to your place."
"I meant about the whole love thing," says Kyle.
"Oh," says Jensen. "Yeah. That's going to suck."
Kyle pats him on the shoulder. Jensen has absolutely no desire to ever kiss him again.
It's not a good feeling to be having.
*
The problem is that Jensen is not, in fact, dating Jared. So he doesn't have to explain why he was kissing another guy on his couch. In fact, he thinks, it would be kind of weird if he did explain that. Jensen and Jared are friends, and therefore, there is no reason for Jensen to apologize, remark on, or otherwise acknowledge that Jared walked in on him and Kyle.
Jensen spends a day trying to figure out how to casually bring this up and comes up with nothing.
Jared, like nothing is wrong, comes into Jensen's the next evening, after knocking, and says, "Man, I really hope I didn't cockblock you."
"What?"
"Another guy walking in like he owns the place during a date can suck. So I didn't, like, screw up your evening or anything, right?"
"Uh," says Jensen. "No?"
"You're not sure?"
"Kyle is--he's just this guy. I sometimes, uh." Jensen rubs his neck. "I sometimes sleep with. Because we don't meet a lot of people. It's a mutually beneficial agreement."
"Oh," says Jared. "That's--good?"
"It's satisfactory," says Jensen, lying through his teeth. Jared still looks kind of confused and weird, so Jensen soldiers on. "Seriously. Kyle doesn't care about you walking in. We're just colleagues."
"Who sleep together," says Jared. "Man, I never think of geeks as having a lot of casual sex."
"Yeah, well we're also socially awkward and dysfunctional in relationships," says Jensen. "So it's pretty much me and my hand."
He profoundly wishes he hadn't said that.
Jared turns red. "Right."
"I just got Beautiful Katamari," says Jensen, to fill the silence that even he knows is awkward. "Wanna play?"
"Yeah," says Jared. "Definitely."
*
"So I'm in love with Jared," Jensen announces.
"I know," says Chad.
"I'm in love with Sandy," says Gabe. "She keeps calling and I keep picking up the phone and just breathing heavily into it. It's like a reverse crank call."
"Do a shot and call her," says Chad.
"Can we talk about me?" asks Jensen.
"Bitch, we always talk about you," Chad points out. "Gabe's got a new issue."
"That's true," says Gabe. "I've never had girl problems before. It's my turn."
"Granted," says Jensen, a little sulkily. "And I agree with Chad."
"I can't do a shot every time I want to talk to a girl!"
"You got used to me and Chad," Jensen points out. "Maybe you just have to do a shot for the first five dates and then you'll get better."
"Why do I suck?" asks Gabe, banging his head against Jensen's coffee table.
"You want to see the power point?" Jensen asks. It usually seems to make him feel better.
"A hot girl," Gabe goes on, as if Jensen hadn't spoken, "likes me! And I suck too much to talk to her!"
"Pretty much," Chad agrees.
"Augh," says Gabe.
Jensen pats him on the shoulder.
"So how'd you figure out you're totally gone for Jay-bird?" Chad asks.
"He got drunk, kissed me, and walked in on me making out with Kyle."
"Dude," says Chad. "He kissed you?"
"He was drunk!"
"He was drunk and he didn't kiss me," Chad says. "The fuck were you doing making out with Gallner after that?"
"Experiment to see if I was really in love with Jared."
"Dude, you could have just asked anyone with eyes."
Jensen flips him off absently.
"Come on, Jensen, yours is even dumber than Gabe's. He kissed you. Ask him the fuck out."
Chad is possibly the most emotionally mature friend Jensen has. Other than Jared. This isn't really something in Chad's favor--this is a problem with Jensen's friends. But it's worth taking into account, Jensen thinks. Chad might have a point.
He calls Mackenzie before he does anything else.
"You were right," he says.
"Oh god," she replies. "Please tell me you burned all your pants and bought real ones."
"No! I'm in love with Jared."
"Oh, that. Okay. Yeah. So you want to know how to get him?"
"Yes."
"Is he straight?"
"Bisexual."
"Do you think he likes you?"
"He got drunk and kissed me."
Mackenzie squeals. "What happened after? Why did he stop?"
Jensen winces. "Because I told him to. Because he was drunk."
But Mackenzie approves. "Good move. Way to show you care."
"I didn't know I did," Jensen mutters.
"Did you talk about it?"
"He apologized."
"And?"
"And what?"
"What else happened?"
Jensen rubs the back of his neck. "He walked in on me kissing someone else."
"Jeeeeeeeeen," she sighs. "Why did you do that?"
"I was experimenting!"
"With what? You already know you're gay."
"Just--never mind! Now you know everything. Should I ask him out?"
"Of course you should ask him out! What have you got to lose?"
"One third of my close friends," Jensen points out.
There's a silence. "That's just depressing," says Mackenzie.
"Yeah," Jensen has to agree.
*
"Jared," Jensen says, to his wall. He's taped a picture of Jared's face to it. It's a little creepy, having Jared's disembodied head taped to his wall. It doesn't really in any way simulate talking to the real Jared. He tapes a shirt under it, which only sort of helps. "Jared," he repeats. "I was going to go see a movie. Do you want to come?"
The creepy Jared face on his wall does not reply. Jensen thinks this is for the best. He rips it down and sets it, very carefully, on fire, because the last thing he needs is for Jared to find a printout of his head in Jensen's apartment.
His resolve is set, his shoulders are squared, and the evidence is on fire. Jensen heads into the hall to ask Jared Padalecki out.
"Hi Jensen!" says Jared. "Bye Jensen!"
"What?" asks Jensen.
"Gotta run," says Jared, grinning apologetically. "I'm on my way to a date."
"Oh," says Jensen. "Bye."
And Jared waves and runs off.
Jensen goes to do some math. Math never does shit like this to him.
*
Jensen knows that, in theory, Jared dating other people doesn't mean that Jensen can't ask him out. But whenever Jensen happens to meet one of Jared's dates, he or she is very attractive, not at all geeky, and a jerk. Jared has a very clear type. That type is terrible people. And Jensen is kind of a terrible person, but Jensen never gets into screaming fights, and apparently most of Jared's significant others do.
Jared slams the door of Jensen's apartment after his fight with some guy whose name Jensen never bothered learning. Jensen has stopped locking his door, because Jared likes to just storm in, and Jensen doesn't actually mind.
"We're playing chess," says Jared tightly.
"Okay," says Jensen, automatically. He likes chess. Then he realizes this is weird. "Wait, what? Why?"
"Because I need to relax," says Jared.
"I just have 3D chess," says Jensen. This is one of the saddest things he has ever had to admit. Which is saying a lot.
Jared looks at him, gaze steady and angry. "Can you teach me?"
"Yeah," says Jensen. "Sure."
*
He starts off going easy on Jared, because Jared is new at this and not a genius. But it turns out Jared is some kind of chess master, or something, because within two games Jensen is actually fighting for his life.
"I don't get it," says Jared, kicking Jensen's ass with so little effort that he still has tons of brainpower left over to angst about his life. "I'm barely even dating these people and I somehow get into giant fucking fights."
"How are you beating me?" asks Jensen. "You just learned this game."
"I'm fucking awesome at chess," says Jared. "Seriously, is it me? Am I a bad date?"
"I dunno," says Jensen. "I've never gone out with you." He says it with a remarkable lack of bitterness. He's not sure how he pulls that off.
"I'm not," Jared goes on, like Jensen hadn't spoken. "I'm an awesome date. I rock. Check."
"Wait, what?"
"Check."
"How are you doing this?" asks Jensen.
"Chess is my anti-emo," says Jared, kind of smugly.
"Holy shit," says Jensen.
"I hold open doors!" says Jared, effortlessly picking up the old thread of conversation. "I pay for dinners! I'm funny! I'm cute! What's the problem?"
"I dunno, Jared," says Jensen. "Want to get dinner tomorrow?"
It's not how he planned to ask Jared out. But maybe that's better.
"Sure," says Jared. "Checkmate."
"What?"
"Checkmate."
"No, uh...before that."
"Oh, dinner? Yeah, let's do dinner. You can critique me on my dating techniques."
"I can?"
"Yeah. It'll be helpful. Another game?"
"Yeah," Jensen manages. He's going on a date. With Jared. Who is apparently an awesome date.
And who is some kind of chess savant, fucking seriously. Jensen doesn't win one game that night, but he still feels like a million bucks.
*
Jared stops by the next night, looking good--crisp white shirt, nice slacks. Jensen is wearing his own clothes, because none of the four restaurants he finds acceptable for going out have a particularly harsh dress code. He immediately regrets it, but once Jared is there, it's pretty much too late to say "Oh, let me see if I own any clothes that don't have a comic-book character on them."
"Hey!" says Jared, apparently unfazed by Jensen's outfit. "So, I usually go to Porter, but I dunno if you like steak."
"Porter?"
"It's a restaurant."
Jensen rubs his neck. "I, uh. I don't go to new restaurants."
"Huh?"
"I don't trust them! They could be unsanitary!"
Jared looks at him. "So where do you go?"
"Mike's Pizzeria, Big Boy, Thai Palace, and the Cheesecake Factory."
"You didn't come to the Cheesecake Factory before I started working there," Jared points out.
"Yeah," says Jensen, blushing a little. "I figured you probably wouldn't work anywhere with sanitation problems. And I brought my own fork from home."
Jared looks at him for a long minute. "Okay, how about the Thai? I like Thai."
"Yeah," says Jensen. "Thai's good."
Jared does hold open doors, and he even takes Jensen's coat. "I think even women find that custom antiquated," Jensen points out. "Also, I'm a man."
"It's a problem?" Jared asks. He sounds concerned. "Maybe that's it."
"It's weird," says Jensen, sliding into the booth. "I'm not used to it."
Jared nods, looking like he's committing it to memory. That's a good sign, right? Jared is taking Jensen's preferences into account.
Jared looks vaguely bemused through Jensen's long ordering process--it's not Jensen's fault he has a lot of allergies and requirements. And they're used to him here anyway. He tips well.
They chat pretty easily for a while until Jared asks him about work, and Jensen launches into a rant about the experiment he's currently working on. It fascinates him, and it's way too long before he notices Jared is just watching him, nodding periodically, with a kind of dazed expression.
"Uh," says Jensen. "Sorry."
Jared waves his hand. "Man, I didn't get half of that, but it's awesome you like your job that much. Seriously, I couldn't talk that much about the Cheesecake Factory if you paid me."
"They do pay you," Jensen points out.
"Right," Jared agrees.
Overall, Jensen doesn't think it's actually a bad date. Jared seems to be having fun too--he's certainly laughing and smiling and talking enough. He doesn't seem uncomfortable.
All that's missing is going home and having sex. Which, Jensen hopes, is still going to happen.
"I'll get half," says Jensen.
Jared nods. "Yeah, okay. But if this was a real date, I'd pay the whole thing."
Jensen freezes while Jared flirts easily with the waiter giving them the check.
"So," says Jared, after the guy leaves, "scale of one to ten. How awesome a date am I?"
"Eight," says Jensen automatically. "The door-holding was weird and you're hitting on our waiter."
"Yeah, well, I wouldn't do that on a real date either," he says, and then grins. "See? I told you! I am an awesome date and the people I date are stupid. It is totally them, not me."
"Yeah," Jensen agrees. His mouth feels cottony, strange.
"Thanks, man," says Jared. "I appreciate you helping out. I thought maybe my technique sucked and I was just delusional."
On their way out, Jared gets the waiter's number.
Jensen doesn't get anyone's number, doesn't get a second date, and goes home alone. He assumes what he's feeling is heartbreak, and now he feels bad for never being more sympathetic to Josh and Mackenzie's romantic woes. Because this?
This sucks.
*
It's not like Jensen spends all his time depressed about his love life. That is absolutely not true. There are a lot of other things in Jensen's life. He has work, and his friends, and this season of Mythbusters is really kicking ass.
His life is not all relationship angst and sulking.
But when he keeps seeing that waiter hanging around Jared's place? Yeah, it bugs him.
"They met while I was on a date with Jared," he mutters. "How is that fair?"
"Jay-bird didn't know it was a date," Chad points out.
"How is that my fault? I didn't think I was being fucking subtle! I said "do you want to go out?" That's asking someone out! I looked it up online!"
"Yeah, it does sound like Jared's fault," says Gabe. "Well, more than Jensen's."
"How's your thing with Sandy?" asks Jensen before Chad can argue with him further. "Good news?"
"I drank two glasses of wine during dinner and she made out with me in the car," says Gabe, grinning widely. "I'm gonna get a girlfriend. And maybe some kind of crippling alcohol addiction, but it's worth it, right?"
"Fuck," says Chad, "I'd say that's a fucking bonus."
"You stole medicinal marijuana from the medical program," Gabe points out.
"Chad has marijuana?" asks Jared, coming in with a broad grin. Jensen has to admit he's impressed that Jared hasn't missed a single Halo night in the three weeks since he got a fucking stupid boyfriend. Or, in fact, ever. Not at all.
"Not anymore," says Chad. "Gave it to a chick so she'd make out with another chick while I watched."
"You're all class, Chad," says Jared, flopping down on the couch next to Jensen. Jensen likes to have a wider personal bubble than Jared likes to give him, but he's found he's willing to let a lot of his preferences slide for Jared. It's frankly a little alarming. "So, are we playing?"
"Not busy with Jason tonight?" asks Jensen. He hopes he doesn't sound as bitter as he is. He has trouble sometimes figuring out how his voice comes off to other people. The echoes in his head make it sound so much more balanced and cool.
Jared shrugs. "It's Halo night. I like Halo night." He jostles Jensen's shoulder with his own. "Someone's gotta kick your ass, and I know Chad isn't going to man up and do it."
"Hey, fuck you! I am way manlier than Gabe."
Gabe sort of squeaks angrily. Chad always manages to piss Gabe off while Jared's around, and then he sort of bounces up and down in his seat, sounding like an angry hamster.
"Nah, Chad, I think you're losing here. Gabe got himself a girlfriend," says Jared, grinning widely.
"Wait, she said that?" asks Gabe. "What did she say?"
Jared stares for a minute before Gabe realizes what happened, and he clamps his hands over his mouth.
"You're so golden, boozer," says Jared. "She thinks you're adorable."
Gabe tries to talk again, but it doesn't work. He huffs out a breath and grabs a piece of paper.
BUT IN A SEXY MANLY WAY RIGHT?
Jared laughs. "Yeah, man, totally. Sexy, manly, unable to talk to girls...you're a real catch."
SHUT UP. HALO BITCHS.
Jensen sighs, writes an E between the H and S. His needs new friends. Maybe he can upgrade a couple associates.
*
So all that love stuff? Jensen was totally wrong. He hates Jared Padalecki.
Jensen sneezes three times in quick succession. His throat is on fire, his head is spinning, and his nose is so full of mucus his thinks it must have expanded to make room.
Chad had stopped by earlier, heard Jensen's pathetic sniffle and call of "Chaaaaaad?" and turned tail and ran like the fucking coward that he is.
And Jensen hates Jared, because Jared got him sick. Jared had coughed on him on Halo night, laughed and said he must have caught his sister's cold, and even though Jensen had immediately run and sanitized himself, he now has the plague and is going to die.
Which logically means that Jared is the one who should deal with him.
This decision made, Jensen drags himself across the hall, lets himself into Jared's apartment, and, upon finding it empty and freezing, borrows one of Jared's hoodies, curls up in a ball on Jared's couch and goes to sleep.
He's awoken some time later by Jared shaking his shoulder.
"Jensen, man, what's up?"
"I'm dying," says Jensen petulantly. "I'm dying and you killed me."
"Holy crap, you sound bad. What are you dying of?"
"The flu. And you coughed on me."
Jared kneels down and puts his hand on Jensen's forehead. "Shit, you're burning up. Why'd you come here?"
"Because it's your fault. And Chad ran away."
"Chad ran away?"
"He's a fucker," says Jensen. "I'm going to fight him."
"Sure you are. You want some soup? I'm going to make you soup."
"And tea," says Jensen. "Earl Gray. Hot. Just like Captain Picard."
Jared smiles softly, ruffles Jensen's hair before he gets up. "Yeah," he says. "Sure. Go back to sleep, I'll wake you up when it's ready."
"Still hate you," Jensen mutters, but he nestles back into the couch. Jared's hoodie is giant and warm and smells like him, and his couch isn't nearly as nice as Jensen's, but it doesn't matter. Jensen is warm and dizzy and foggy, and he just gives in and sleeps.
When he wakes up again, it's because Jared's cell phone rings on the table, right by Jensen's ear.
"Shit shit shit," says Jared, coming over and picking it up. "Sorry." He goes into the kitchen, brings a cup back. "Here, tea," he says. "Still working on the soup."
Jared puts down the tea and picks up the phone; Jensen manages to sit up to drink it while doing his best to eavesdrop. It's difficult because his head feels like it's underwater.
"Hey," he hears Jared say, "I can't come tonight. Jensen's sick, I--" There's a burst of noise from the phone. Jared runs his hand through his hair. "Yeah, it is important. Christ, it's my fault. I got him sick and he can barely sit up straight." Jared leaves his sight, goes into the kitchen. Jensen can hear him speaking softly, but he can't make out any more words. He concentrates on how awesome and warm the tea is in his hands. Just like Captain Picard likes it.
"Yeah, fuck you too!" he hears Jared shout into the phone from the kitchen. That sounds bad, so he drags himself up. It's cold without his feet curled up into him, but whatever happened is pretty clearly his fault.
"Jared?" he asks, leaning heavily on the door frame. His voice is croaky and weird.
Jared looks sheepish. "Hey. Sorry. Dude, you shouldn't have gotten up. You look like the living dead, Jensen."
"I was worried," Jensen admits.
"Just Jason," says Jared, sighing. "We broke up."
"Sorry," says Jensen, meaning the opposite.
"It's cool," says Jared. He's stirring soup. Jensen can't actually believe Jared is making him soup. "He was kind of a jerk."
"You should stop dating guys like that," says Jensen. "You're way better than that."
Jared shakes his head. "I like to think so. Come on, you're going back to bed."
"Couch," Jensen corrects.
"We should probably get you to your bed," Jared says thoughtfully.
Jensen shakes his head. "I like yours."
Jared coughs.
"Don't get me sicker!"
"I'm not. I, uh. You want to go to my bed?"
"Couch. Or bed."
"Couch," says Jared. He smiles shakily. "I don't want you getting your snot all over my pillow, man."
"Bedsheets are easier to clean than a couch," Jensen points out, but he goes willingly when Jared guides him back to the couch. It's a nice, big couch. Comfortable. Smells like Jared. "Your stuff smells like you," he comments.
Jared looks at him oddly. "Yeah, it does. Drink your tea, I'll bring soup."
"Thank you," says Jensen, genuinely. He knows he's a sucky sick person, and Jared is just giving into his demands without question, and then losing his boyfriend over it. It's very impressive.
"Yeah," says Jared, lingering for a minute, and then going back to the kitchen.
He lets Jensen lean on him as he drinks his soup and they watch Aliens together. At some point in the evening he finds himself draped on Jared, and he knows he'll regret it when he's feeling better, but until then, he really can't bring himself to care.
*
Jensen wakes up the next morning feeling pretty much the same, except now he's embarrassed as all hell because he spent last night all over Jared, muzzy and confused. And Jared let him, which just makes him feel worse. He's still on Jared's couch, with a blanket on him, and as much as he likes being taken care of when he's sick, he feels fucking terrible about molesting Jared in his flu-haze. Especially when his boyfriend just dumped him. Because of Jensen.
He drags himself across the hall to his own apartment, which he likes way better than Jared's, but which he has to admit isn't comforting. Being in Jared's place, with Jared's stuff, made him feel warm and fuzzy inside and he thinks he really needs to do something about these fucking feelings before they get more out of hand.
But first, his brain has to stop trying to escape from his skull. So he's going to get on that.
Part three.
Jared would have slept with him tonight. He's sure of that--Jared was kissing him like he meant it, like he wanted it.
And Jensen had said no.
This means he isn't interested in Jared just for sex. He might not even be interested in Jared primarily for sex. He had been upset by the idea that Jared kissing him wasn't honest, wasn't what Jared wanted. He had been concerned that to have sex with Jared would have been taking advantage, would have hurt Jared.
He didn't want Jared like that, didn't want Jared to be unhappy and desperate and drunk, turning to Jensen out of frustration at someone else.
He wanted Jared to be genuinely interested in him.
Unfortunately, it was even more than that.
Jensen has never kissed people much before, but kissing Jared had been--he'd liked it. Liked the noises Jared made, like he liked it too. Loved the feeling of Jared licking into his mouth, the affectionate way Jared's fingers brushed at his cheek, his neck.
Jensen really likes Jared.
Jensen might be in love with Jared.
He's been skirting around the idea ever since he sent Jared away, aware of the confusing swirl of feelings, aware that if all he'd wanted was sex, he could have had it. It would have been a complete asshole move, yes, but Jensen's been a complete asshole before. Jensen is certainly not the world's best human being. But he can't even think about taking something Jared doesn't want to give him. Can't think about taking sex from Jared, knowing that Jared might not want it. Might not even remember it.
Because almost as bad as Jared not wanting it is Jared not caring one way or another. Maybe Jared is always drunk and horny, willing to go with the first body he finds. And Jensen doesn't want to be that meaningless person.
Jensen hates everything.
He might be in love with Jared. But he's not willing to take that plunge yet. After all, he doesn't have all the data. All he knows is that he likes Jared and enjoyed kissing him and wants to have sex with him, but not enough to do so without Jared's consent and mutual desire.
Wikipedia, Jensen knows, is not the best place to get information. Anyone can go in there and add information, which means that, for scientific inquiry, it's completely useless.
On the other hand, science and romance are completely different. No matter what people say about "chemistry."
So Jensen hits up wikipedia, which tells him that "love" is an abstract concept referring to any number of different types of feelings, from friendly to familial to romantic. The article on romantic love is really long and talks about Kierkegaard, and Jensen doesn't think it has any answers for him.
Googling "Am I in love?" results in a number of quizzes from websites with names like teenadvice.about.com and romancetracker. Jensen tries the one from teenadvice and finds the entire thing does not apply to him because he is not actually currently in a relationship with Jared.
By this point, it's six a.m., and Jensen is exhausted. He has to accept that he's not going to figure out if he's in love with Jared right this minute, and pretty much all he can be sure of is that his feelings for Jared are not limited to wanting to fuck him.
That is still a pretty major factor, however, so Jensen hits the shower and fists his cock in his hand, thinking of Jared's kiss, Jared's hands, Jared's body firm against his.
After that, he goes to sleep.
He wakes up seven hours later to a steady pounding at the door and some yelling.
He pulls a shirt over his head and sticks his glasses on, waiting for the world to come into focus.
"Hi," says Jared breathlessly, when Jensen opens the door. "I am a fucking idiot and I'm sorry."
Jensen waves his hand. "It's okay. What's up?"
"Um. That?"
"What?"
"I'm really sorry about last night," says Jared in a rush. "I shouldn't have..."
"You were drunk," Jensen replies. "Alcohol has that effect on some people. There are studies."
"Made Gabe talkative," says Jared, smiling a little.
"Really?"
"Yeah! I guess it was after you left, but man, it was awesome. He started hitting on Sandy."
"Your ex-girlfriend?"
"Yeah!" Jared laughs. "I think she liked him. Totally amazing."
"But she's your ex," says Jensen. He doesn't really get Jared's position here.
"Ex, man."
"Yeah, but...never mind."
"Are we still doing paintball?" asks Jared, sounding a little sheepish. "Or...?"
"Should be," says Jensen. "Let me call Chad and Gabe."
He's heading in to do just that when Jared grabs his arm. "But we're cool, right?"
Jensen swallows and hopes Jared doesn't notice. "We're cool."
*
Jensen decides, after paintball, that what he should do is get laid.
Jensen very rarely decides to get laid. But it seems like the most logical choice right now. He might just be horny, after all, and his horniness is screwing with his brain.
Besides, it's his understanding that being in love means that he won't want to sleep with anyone else. Assuming he is monogamous. These things haven't really come up before. Jensen wonders if this is weird.
Jensen is not actually good at sleeping people. Bars freak him out--they're dirty and creepy and he doesn't trust his fluids with people he doesn't know.
So he's got Kyle.
Kyle Gallner is scrawny and mousy and not particularly attractive; Jensen likes him and all, but he's not really someone who makes Jensen that sexually excited.
That said, they have an agreement, based on mutual lack of social skills, that they hook up when they feel the need to hook up with someone.
It is Jensen's understanding that this is called a booty call.
"Hey, Jensen," says Kyle, picking up on the second ring. "What's up?"
"I might be in love," says Jensen. "I need to have sex to figure out if I'm right."
"Okay," says Kyle. "But my sister's visiting. Can it wait a couple days?"
"Yeah, that's fine," Jensen agrees. He'd like to find out sooner rather than later, but he doesn't want to interrupt Kyle's visiting time with his sister. In theory, he guesses he could just sleep with someone else, but in reality the only other person he knows who would sleep with him no questions asked would be Chad, and Jensen is never, ever going to be willing to go there.
Ever.
So he's going to have to wait until Kyle is free.
Jensen's life is really difficult.
*
"So you're in love?"
"Maybe," says Jensen morosely.
"Huh," says Kyle. "What's it like?"
"I think about him a lot," Jensen mutters. "I want to have sex with him. He kissed me and I liked it way more than I usually like kissing. Um. I like listening to him talk even though he talks about America's Next Top Model."
"Wow," says Kyle. "It sounds weird."
"It is."
"He really kissed you?"
"Yeah."
"Huh. Think we should try it?"
"What, kissing?"
"Yeah. Maybe you just like kissing more than you used to."
"Good point," says Jensen. "Yeah, let's do that."
Jensen leans over to kiss Kyle. Kyle is shorter than Jensen, and naturally shorter than Jared by a lot. He's scrawny and small. Kissing him is unremarkable; Jensen doesn't care that much about keeping at it. Kyle tastes like nothing in particular, and his chest seems almost fragile against Jensen's. It's never bothered him before; Kyle works, generally.
Except Kyle is not what Jensen wants.
He deepens the kiss anyway, puts his hand on Kyle's face, tries to determine if there's something he can do to make this as good as kissing Jared was.
Naturally, that's when Jared comes in.
"God, Jensen, I'm a fucking idiot, I--" He stops short as Jensen turns, his stomach sinking. In that moment, watching Jared turn bright red and drop his gaze to the ground and shuffle his feet, Jensen knows, utterly and surely, that he is in love. "I'm really sorry," he says. "I just--uh. Need the spare key I left here. Um. Yeah. I'm--bye."
And Jared leaves.
"Fuck," says Jensen, his head falling against the back of the couch.
"So, you're in love with him?" asks Kyle.
"Yeah," says Jensen. "A lot."
"Sorry."
"Wasn't your fault. We should have gone to your place."
"I meant about the whole love thing," says Kyle.
"Oh," says Jensen. "Yeah. That's going to suck."
Kyle pats him on the shoulder. Jensen has absolutely no desire to ever kiss him again.
It's not a good feeling to be having.
*
The problem is that Jensen is not, in fact, dating Jared. So he doesn't have to explain why he was kissing another guy on his couch. In fact, he thinks, it would be kind of weird if he did explain that. Jensen and Jared are friends, and therefore, there is no reason for Jensen to apologize, remark on, or otherwise acknowledge that Jared walked in on him and Kyle.
Jensen spends a day trying to figure out how to casually bring this up and comes up with nothing.
Jared, like nothing is wrong, comes into Jensen's the next evening, after knocking, and says, "Man, I really hope I didn't cockblock you."
"What?"
"Another guy walking in like he owns the place during a date can suck. So I didn't, like, screw up your evening or anything, right?"
"Uh," says Jensen. "No?"
"You're not sure?"
"Kyle is--he's just this guy. I sometimes, uh." Jensen rubs his neck. "I sometimes sleep with. Because we don't meet a lot of people. It's a mutually beneficial agreement."
"Oh," says Jared. "That's--good?"
"It's satisfactory," says Jensen, lying through his teeth. Jared still looks kind of confused and weird, so Jensen soldiers on. "Seriously. Kyle doesn't care about you walking in. We're just colleagues."
"Who sleep together," says Jared. "Man, I never think of geeks as having a lot of casual sex."
"Yeah, well we're also socially awkward and dysfunctional in relationships," says Jensen. "So it's pretty much me and my hand."
He profoundly wishes he hadn't said that.
Jared turns red. "Right."
"I just got Beautiful Katamari," says Jensen, to fill the silence that even he knows is awkward. "Wanna play?"
"Yeah," says Jared. "Definitely."
*
"So I'm in love with Jared," Jensen announces.
"I know," says Chad.
"I'm in love with Sandy," says Gabe. "She keeps calling and I keep picking up the phone and just breathing heavily into it. It's like a reverse crank call."
"Do a shot and call her," says Chad.
"Can we talk about me?" asks Jensen.
"Bitch, we always talk about you," Chad points out. "Gabe's got a new issue."
"That's true," says Gabe. "I've never had girl problems before. It's my turn."
"Granted," says Jensen, a little sulkily. "And I agree with Chad."
"I can't do a shot every time I want to talk to a girl!"
"You got used to me and Chad," Jensen points out. "Maybe you just have to do a shot for the first five dates and then you'll get better."
"Why do I suck?" asks Gabe, banging his head against Jensen's coffee table.
"You want to see the power point?" Jensen asks. It usually seems to make him feel better.
"A hot girl," Gabe goes on, as if Jensen hadn't spoken, "likes me! And I suck too much to talk to her!"
"Pretty much," Chad agrees.
"Augh," says Gabe.
Jensen pats him on the shoulder.
"So how'd you figure out you're totally gone for Jay-bird?" Chad asks.
"He got drunk, kissed me, and walked in on me making out with Kyle."
"Dude," says Chad. "He kissed you?"
"He was drunk!"
"He was drunk and he didn't kiss me," Chad says. "The fuck were you doing making out with Gallner after that?"
"Experiment to see if I was really in love with Jared."
"Dude, you could have just asked anyone with eyes."
Jensen flips him off absently.
"Come on, Jensen, yours is even dumber than Gabe's. He kissed you. Ask him the fuck out."
Chad is possibly the most emotionally mature friend Jensen has. Other than Jared. This isn't really something in Chad's favor--this is a problem with Jensen's friends. But it's worth taking into account, Jensen thinks. Chad might have a point.
He calls Mackenzie before he does anything else.
"You were right," he says.
"Oh god," she replies. "Please tell me you burned all your pants and bought real ones."
"No! I'm in love with Jared."
"Oh, that. Okay. Yeah. So you want to know how to get him?"
"Yes."
"Is he straight?"
"Bisexual."
"Do you think he likes you?"
"He got drunk and kissed me."
Mackenzie squeals. "What happened after? Why did he stop?"
Jensen winces. "Because I told him to. Because he was drunk."
But Mackenzie approves. "Good move. Way to show you care."
"I didn't know I did," Jensen mutters.
"Did you talk about it?"
"He apologized."
"And?"
"And what?"
"What else happened?"
Jensen rubs the back of his neck. "He walked in on me kissing someone else."
"Jeeeeeeeeen," she sighs. "Why did you do that?"
"I was experimenting!"
"With what? You already know you're gay."
"Just--never mind! Now you know everything. Should I ask him out?"
"Of course you should ask him out! What have you got to lose?"
"One third of my close friends," Jensen points out.
There's a silence. "That's just depressing," says Mackenzie.
"Yeah," Jensen has to agree.
*
"Jared," Jensen says, to his wall. He's taped a picture of Jared's face to it. It's a little creepy, having Jared's disembodied head taped to his wall. It doesn't really in any way simulate talking to the real Jared. He tapes a shirt under it, which only sort of helps. "Jared," he repeats. "I was going to go see a movie. Do you want to come?"
The creepy Jared face on his wall does not reply. Jensen thinks this is for the best. He rips it down and sets it, very carefully, on fire, because the last thing he needs is for Jared to find a printout of his head in Jensen's apartment.
His resolve is set, his shoulders are squared, and the evidence is on fire. Jensen heads into the hall to ask Jared Padalecki out.
"Hi Jensen!" says Jared. "Bye Jensen!"
"What?" asks Jensen.
"Gotta run," says Jared, grinning apologetically. "I'm on my way to a date."
"Oh," says Jensen. "Bye."
And Jared waves and runs off.
Jensen goes to do some math. Math never does shit like this to him.
*
Jensen knows that, in theory, Jared dating other people doesn't mean that Jensen can't ask him out. But whenever Jensen happens to meet one of Jared's dates, he or she is very attractive, not at all geeky, and a jerk. Jared has a very clear type. That type is terrible people. And Jensen is kind of a terrible person, but Jensen never gets into screaming fights, and apparently most of Jared's significant others do.
Jared slams the door of Jensen's apartment after his fight with some guy whose name Jensen never bothered learning. Jensen has stopped locking his door, because Jared likes to just storm in, and Jensen doesn't actually mind.
"We're playing chess," says Jared tightly.
"Okay," says Jensen, automatically. He likes chess. Then he realizes this is weird. "Wait, what? Why?"
"Because I need to relax," says Jared.
"I just have 3D chess," says Jensen. This is one of the saddest things he has ever had to admit. Which is saying a lot.
Jared looks at him, gaze steady and angry. "Can you teach me?"
"Yeah," says Jensen. "Sure."
*
He starts off going easy on Jared, because Jared is new at this and not a genius. But it turns out Jared is some kind of chess master, or something, because within two games Jensen is actually fighting for his life.
"I don't get it," says Jared, kicking Jensen's ass with so little effort that he still has tons of brainpower left over to angst about his life. "I'm barely even dating these people and I somehow get into giant fucking fights."
"How are you beating me?" asks Jensen. "You just learned this game."
"I'm fucking awesome at chess," says Jared. "Seriously, is it me? Am I a bad date?"
"I dunno," says Jensen. "I've never gone out with you." He says it with a remarkable lack of bitterness. He's not sure how he pulls that off.
"I'm not," Jared goes on, like Jensen hadn't spoken. "I'm an awesome date. I rock. Check."
"Wait, what?"
"Check."
"How are you doing this?" asks Jensen.
"Chess is my anti-emo," says Jared, kind of smugly.
"Holy shit," says Jensen.
"I hold open doors!" says Jared, effortlessly picking up the old thread of conversation. "I pay for dinners! I'm funny! I'm cute! What's the problem?"
"I dunno, Jared," says Jensen. "Want to get dinner tomorrow?"
It's not how he planned to ask Jared out. But maybe that's better.
"Sure," says Jared. "Checkmate."
"What?"
"Checkmate."
"No, uh...before that."
"Oh, dinner? Yeah, let's do dinner. You can critique me on my dating techniques."
"I can?"
"Yeah. It'll be helpful. Another game?"
"Yeah," Jensen manages. He's going on a date. With Jared. Who is apparently an awesome date.
And who is some kind of chess savant, fucking seriously. Jensen doesn't win one game that night, but he still feels like a million bucks.
*
Jared stops by the next night, looking good--crisp white shirt, nice slacks. Jensen is wearing his own clothes, because none of the four restaurants he finds acceptable for going out have a particularly harsh dress code. He immediately regrets it, but once Jared is there, it's pretty much too late to say "Oh, let me see if I own any clothes that don't have a comic-book character on them."
"Hey!" says Jared, apparently unfazed by Jensen's outfit. "So, I usually go to Porter, but I dunno if you like steak."
"Porter?"
"It's a restaurant."
Jensen rubs his neck. "I, uh. I don't go to new restaurants."
"Huh?"
"I don't trust them! They could be unsanitary!"
Jared looks at him. "So where do you go?"
"Mike's Pizzeria, Big Boy, Thai Palace, and the Cheesecake Factory."
"You didn't come to the Cheesecake Factory before I started working there," Jared points out.
"Yeah," says Jensen, blushing a little. "I figured you probably wouldn't work anywhere with sanitation problems. And I brought my own fork from home."
Jared looks at him for a long minute. "Okay, how about the Thai? I like Thai."
"Yeah," says Jensen. "Thai's good."
Jared does hold open doors, and he even takes Jensen's coat. "I think even women find that custom antiquated," Jensen points out. "Also, I'm a man."
"It's a problem?" Jared asks. He sounds concerned. "Maybe that's it."
"It's weird," says Jensen, sliding into the booth. "I'm not used to it."
Jared nods, looking like he's committing it to memory. That's a good sign, right? Jared is taking Jensen's preferences into account.
Jared looks vaguely bemused through Jensen's long ordering process--it's not Jensen's fault he has a lot of allergies and requirements. And they're used to him here anyway. He tips well.
They chat pretty easily for a while until Jared asks him about work, and Jensen launches into a rant about the experiment he's currently working on. It fascinates him, and it's way too long before he notices Jared is just watching him, nodding periodically, with a kind of dazed expression.
"Uh," says Jensen. "Sorry."
Jared waves his hand. "Man, I didn't get half of that, but it's awesome you like your job that much. Seriously, I couldn't talk that much about the Cheesecake Factory if you paid me."
"They do pay you," Jensen points out.
"Right," Jared agrees.
Overall, Jensen doesn't think it's actually a bad date. Jared seems to be having fun too--he's certainly laughing and smiling and talking enough. He doesn't seem uncomfortable.
All that's missing is going home and having sex. Which, Jensen hopes, is still going to happen.
"I'll get half," says Jensen.
Jared nods. "Yeah, okay. But if this was a real date, I'd pay the whole thing."
Jensen freezes while Jared flirts easily with the waiter giving them the check.
"So," says Jared, after the guy leaves, "scale of one to ten. How awesome a date am I?"
"Eight," says Jensen automatically. "The door-holding was weird and you're hitting on our waiter."
"Yeah, well, I wouldn't do that on a real date either," he says, and then grins. "See? I told you! I am an awesome date and the people I date are stupid. It is totally them, not me."
"Yeah," Jensen agrees. His mouth feels cottony, strange.
"Thanks, man," says Jared. "I appreciate you helping out. I thought maybe my technique sucked and I was just delusional."
On their way out, Jared gets the waiter's number.
Jensen doesn't get anyone's number, doesn't get a second date, and goes home alone. He assumes what he's feeling is heartbreak, and now he feels bad for never being more sympathetic to Josh and Mackenzie's romantic woes. Because this?
This sucks.
*
It's not like Jensen spends all his time depressed about his love life. That is absolutely not true. There are a lot of other things in Jensen's life. He has work, and his friends, and this season of Mythbusters is really kicking ass.
His life is not all relationship angst and sulking.
But when he keeps seeing that waiter hanging around Jared's place? Yeah, it bugs him.
"They met while I was on a date with Jared," he mutters. "How is that fair?"
"Jay-bird didn't know it was a date," Chad points out.
"How is that my fault? I didn't think I was being fucking subtle! I said "do you want to go out?" That's asking someone out! I looked it up online!"
"Yeah, it does sound like Jared's fault," says Gabe. "Well, more than Jensen's."
"How's your thing with Sandy?" asks Jensen before Chad can argue with him further. "Good news?"
"I drank two glasses of wine during dinner and she made out with me in the car," says Gabe, grinning widely. "I'm gonna get a girlfriend. And maybe some kind of crippling alcohol addiction, but it's worth it, right?"
"Fuck," says Chad, "I'd say that's a fucking bonus."
"You stole medicinal marijuana from the medical program," Gabe points out.
"Chad has marijuana?" asks Jared, coming in with a broad grin. Jensen has to admit he's impressed that Jared hasn't missed a single Halo night in the three weeks since he got a fucking stupid boyfriend. Or, in fact, ever. Not at all.
"Not anymore," says Chad. "Gave it to a chick so she'd make out with another chick while I watched."
"You're all class, Chad," says Jared, flopping down on the couch next to Jensen. Jensen likes to have a wider personal bubble than Jared likes to give him, but he's found he's willing to let a lot of his preferences slide for Jared. It's frankly a little alarming. "So, are we playing?"
"Not busy with Jason tonight?" asks Jensen. He hopes he doesn't sound as bitter as he is. He has trouble sometimes figuring out how his voice comes off to other people. The echoes in his head make it sound so much more balanced and cool.
Jared shrugs. "It's Halo night. I like Halo night." He jostles Jensen's shoulder with his own. "Someone's gotta kick your ass, and I know Chad isn't going to man up and do it."
"Hey, fuck you! I am way manlier than Gabe."
Gabe sort of squeaks angrily. Chad always manages to piss Gabe off while Jared's around, and then he sort of bounces up and down in his seat, sounding like an angry hamster.
"Nah, Chad, I think you're losing here. Gabe got himself a girlfriend," says Jared, grinning widely.
"Wait, she said that?" asks Gabe. "What did she say?"
Jared stares for a minute before Gabe realizes what happened, and he clamps his hands over his mouth.
"You're so golden, boozer," says Jared. "She thinks you're adorable."
Gabe tries to talk again, but it doesn't work. He huffs out a breath and grabs a piece of paper.
BUT IN A SEXY MANLY WAY RIGHT?
Jared laughs. "Yeah, man, totally. Sexy, manly, unable to talk to girls...you're a real catch."
SHUT UP. HALO BITCHS.
Jensen sighs, writes an E between the H and S. His needs new friends. Maybe he can upgrade a couple associates.
*
So all that love stuff? Jensen was totally wrong. He hates Jared Padalecki.
Jensen sneezes three times in quick succession. His throat is on fire, his head is spinning, and his nose is so full of mucus his thinks it must have expanded to make room.
Chad had stopped by earlier, heard Jensen's pathetic sniffle and call of "Chaaaaaad?" and turned tail and ran like the fucking coward that he is.
And Jensen hates Jared, because Jared got him sick. Jared had coughed on him on Halo night, laughed and said he must have caught his sister's cold, and even though Jensen had immediately run and sanitized himself, he now has the plague and is going to die.
Which logically means that Jared is the one who should deal with him.
This decision made, Jensen drags himself across the hall, lets himself into Jared's apartment, and, upon finding it empty and freezing, borrows one of Jared's hoodies, curls up in a ball on Jared's couch and goes to sleep.
He's awoken some time later by Jared shaking his shoulder.
"Jensen, man, what's up?"
"I'm dying," says Jensen petulantly. "I'm dying and you killed me."
"Holy crap, you sound bad. What are you dying of?"
"The flu. And you coughed on me."
Jared kneels down and puts his hand on Jensen's forehead. "Shit, you're burning up. Why'd you come here?"
"Because it's your fault. And Chad ran away."
"Chad ran away?"
"He's a fucker," says Jensen. "I'm going to fight him."
"Sure you are. You want some soup? I'm going to make you soup."
"And tea," says Jensen. "Earl Gray. Hot. Just like Captain Picard."
Jared smiles softly, ruffles Jensen's hair before he gets up. "Yeah," he says. "Sure. Go back to sleep, I'll wake you up when it's ready."
"Still hate you," Jensen mutters, but he nestles back into the couch. Jared's hoodie is giant and warm and smells like him, and his couch isn't nearly as nice as Jensen's, but it doesn't matter. Jensen is warm and dizzy and foggy, and he just gives in and sleeps.
When he wakes up again, it's because Jared's cell phone rings on the table, right by Jensen's ear.
"Shit shit shit," says Jared, coming over and picking it up. "Sorry." He goes into the kitchen, brings a cup back. "Here, tea," he says. "Still working on the soup."
Jared puts down the tea and picks up the phone; Jensen manages to sit up to drink it while doing his best to eavesdrop. It's difficult because his head feels like it's underwater.
"Hey," he hears Jared say, "I can't come tonight. Jensen's sick, I--" There's a burst of noise from the phone. Jared runs his hand through his hair. "Yeah, it is important. Christ, it's my fault. I got him sick and he can barely sit up straight." Jared leaves his sight, goes into the kitchen. Jensen can hear him speaking softly, but he can't make out any more words. He concentrates on how awesome and warm the tea is in his hands. Just like Captain Picard likes it.
"Yeah, fuck you too!" he hears Jared shout into the phone from the kitchen. That sounds bad, so he drags himself up. It's cold without his feet curled up into him, but whatever happened is pretty clearly his fault.
"Jared?" he asks, leaning heavily on the door frame. His voice is croaky and weird.
Jared looks sheepish. "Hey. Sorry. Dude, you shouldn't have gotten up. You look like the living dead, Jensen."
"I was worried," Jensen admits.
"Just Jason," says Jared, sighing. "We broke up."
"Sorry," says Jensen, meaning the opposite.
"It's cool," says Jared. He's stirring soup. Jensen can't actually believe Jared is making him soup. "He was kind of a jerk."
"You should stop dating guys like that," says Jensen. "You're way better than that."
Jared shakes his head. "I like to think so. Come on, you're going back to bed."
"Couch," Jensen corrects.
"We should probably get you to your bed," Jared says thoughtfully.
Jensen shakes his head. "I like yours."
Jared coughs.
"Don't get me sicker!"
"I'm not. I, uh. You want to go to my bed?"
"Couch. Or bed."
"Couch," says Jared. He smiles shakily. "I don't want you getting your snot all over my pillow, man."
"Bedsheets are easier to clean than a couch," Jensen points out, but he goes willingly when Jared guides him back to the couch. It's a nice, big couch. Comfortable. Smells like Jared. "Your stuff smells like you," he comments.
Jared looks at him oddly. "Yeah, it does. Drink your tea, I'll bring soup."
"Thank you," says Jensen, genuinely. He knows he's a sucky sick person, and Jared is just giving into his demands without question, and then losing his boyfriend over it. It's very impressive.
"Yeah," says Jared, lingering for a minute, and then going back to the kitchen.
He lets Jensen lean on him as he drinks his soup and they watch Aliens together. At some point in the evening he finds himself draped on Jared, and he knows he'll regret it when he's feeling better, but until then, he really can't bring himself to care.
*
Jensen wakes up the next morning feeling pretty much the same, except now he's embarrassed as all hell because he spent last night all over Jared, muzzy and confused. And Jared let him, which just makes him feel worse. He's still on Jared's couch, with a blanket on him, and as much as he likes being taken care of when he's sick, he feels fucking terrible about molesting Jared in his flu-haze. Especially when his boyfriend just dumped him. Because of Jensen.
He drags himself across the hall to his own apartment, which he likes way better than Jared's, but which he has to admit isn't comforting. Being in Jared's place, with Jared's stuff, made him feel warm and fuzzy inside and he thinks he really needs to do something about these fucking feelings before they get more out of hand.
But first, his brain has to stop trying to escape from his skull. So he's going to get on that.
Part three.