And again...
WEll I find myself sitting at work, wishing desperately that I could just talk to maddie and try to work this out and come to a peaceful understanding, when I am thinking back to the first lines spoke of the actual argument. And I realize as I read those words, "She was never yours to lose." I could feel it. That dark hate welling within me, whether depression or anger induced I felt that old rage in me. Something I thought I had long since gotten rid of, I find myself in the sway of again. Clouding, my very reason and common sense.
I gave way to it and let it respond once more. Instead of being me, and just explaining my point and rolling with the punches as I usually do, I went back to the way I was before. Back when I rightfully called myself the God of Destruction. Back when hate and chaos were all I really knew. I snapped, letting that dark hate flood through me and yelling and cussing and being rather hateful. I went off the deep end letting that control me. Why I don't know, maybe I'm just losing out to all that once more, maybe I'm took weak to be a friend. But in the end I hurt someone I hold dear.
I should never have done that. I should have done as usual and been the silly Jack Sparrowesque person I am.... "Ah but you see I do have her ... and you.. as a friend and thus do have something to lose..." but instead I had to go off and rant about how dumb that was or whatever. I said a great deal many things in my rants, so many of them make me just wish to rewind time itself and stop myself from saying it.
I was walking into work today depressed about all of this and at the time I thought that the anger I was feeling, that caused me to repeatedly punch a brick wall until my knuckles bled was towards Maddie-dono. However, sitting here I realize that all that hate I felt... was towards me. I was wrong, Maddie is a very intelligent person, I on the other hand am in no one the smart one.
I thought about txting her several times during the day (after I started work) to tell her I was sorry. But She told me not to anymore. So I simply sit here writing this, and praying that sometime, one day they come back and read this, and know just how truely sorry I am that I did what I did. I am happy you are moving to Chicago, happier now than ever, as it will get you away from me. I realize now that I am dangerous, and that while I thought it was my curse to always be alone, they were there. While Chloe thought I was holding her up and helping her along, she was always there by my side. And at the end... so was Maddie. My curse is myself, and my own idiocy of my past. It is my sad admission to say that I am not the best at controlling it. I am a very angry person and I always end up hurting those I love. So I say this with all my heart, run and stay from me, that I may not hurt you again.
And I look back and see, that I have written nothing, just mindless over emotional rantings of a man, who due to his own inability to control his mind and emotions, has lost yet two more dear friends. I am sorry, and one day. I hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive me. Good-bye. This time it is not Ja ne.... this time... its Sayonara.
I gave way to it and let it respond once more. Instead of being me, and just explaining my point and rolling with the punches as I usually do, I went back to the way I was before. Back when I rightfully called myself the God of Destruction. Back when hate and chaos were all I really knew. I snapped, letting that dark hate flood through me and yelling and cussing and being rather hateful. I went off the deep end letting that control me. Why I don't know, maybe I'm just losing out to all that once more, maybe I'm took weak to be a friend. But in the end I hurt someone I hold dear.
I should never have done that. I should have done as usual and been the silly Jack Sparrowesque person I am.... "Ah but you see I do have her ... and you.. as a friend and thus do have something to lose..." but instead I had to go off and rant about how dumb that was or whatever. I said a great deal many things in my rants, so many of them make me just wish to rewind time itself and stop myself from saying it.
I was walking into work today depressed about all of this and at the time I thought that the anger I was feeling, that caused me to repeatedly punch a brick wall until my knuckles bled was towards Maddie-dono. However, sitting here I realize that all that hate I felt... was towards me. I was wrong, Maddie is a very intelligent person, I on the other hand am in no one the smart one.
I thought about txting her several times during the day (after I started work) to tell her I was sorry. But She told me not to anymore. So I simply sit here writing this, and praying that sometime, one day they come back and read this, and know just how truely sorry I am that I did what I did. I am happy you are moving to Chicago, happier now than ever, as it will get you away from me. I realize now that I am dangerous, and that while I thought it was my curse to always be alone, they were there. While Chloe thought I was holding her up and helping her along, she was always there by my side. And at the end... so was Maddie. My curse is myself, and my own idiocy of my past. It is my sad admission to say that I am not the best at controlling it. I am a very angry person and I always end up hurting those I love. So I say this with all my heart, run and stay from me, that I may not hurt you again.
And I look back and see, that I have written nothing, just mindless over emotional rantings of a man, who due to his own inability to control his mind and emotions, has lost yet two more dear friends. I am sorry, and one day. I hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive me. Good-bye. This time it is not Ja ne.... this time... its Sayonara.