oh, here i am.
well, it's thanksgiving. i'm on long island. ryan is in new jersey. ryan is on long island. kendra is in california. sharon is in the city. alfie is in westchester. i love that the holidays give everyone somewhere else to go. some sort of escape from our prospective corners of new york city. what i hate though, is the scattering. if i could be alone with everyone i know, i think i'd be a little closer to being content. i hate that holidays mean familial obligation. i hate feeling like i'm here because i have to be here. i don't want to be here. i want to see my family, of course, but i wouldn't mind an hour long exchange at a cafe somewhere.
i am not mean, or hateful. i don't not want to see my family, ever. i don't fell anything bad or negative towards them. i'm just... i feel trapped. and i decided to myself over a year ago that i wouldn't let this island trap me anymore. i realized not too long ago that my efforts to get gone and stay gone were way less about independence and way more about dependendance than i had previously thought. and while i can assure you, i left on the best of terms. i never drove off of long island, nor did i ever walk away. i ran. i ran away from this place because it represents so many things i don't like about myself.
i feel like it's taken me 1 year+ of not being here to realize more of who i am, and at 23 i'd say it's about time i got on track. and i know, i'll never really know who i am until i'm done living (we all saw the rules of attraction). but regardless, returning here completely dissolves any defenses i've manufactured and it leaves me feeling incredibly vulnerable. being here reminds me of old times, of course. both good and bad. it reminds me of the repression that we suburbanites know all too well. and i could tell you all a tale of a thanksgiving you'd never forget, complete with knives, 911 calls, and divorce papers being served. i remember this, and i see everyone here, calmly smiling at one another, anger brewing beneath their skin as they talk to one another as though the past was just a dream. and it makes me want to shut up. shut off. left to fend off these wolves in lord & taylor clothing with hardly a weapon aside from my skin. and as thick as it is, nothing seeps through your pores quicker than close family. it's like cuddling close with arsenic and letting it slip you the tongue. only not. because that's incest.
that said.
i'm glad to be here.
and with that i take my leave.
i am not mean, or hateful. i don't not want to see my family, ever. i don't fell anything bad or negative towards them. i'm just... i feel trapped. and i decided to myself over a year ago that i wouldn't let this island trap me anymore. i realized not too long ago that my efforts to get gone and stay gone were way less about independence and way more about dependendance than i had previously thought. and while i can assure you, i left on the best of terms. i never drove off of long island, nor did i ever walk away. i ran. i ran away from this place because it represents so many things i don't like about myself.
i feel like it's taken me 1 year+ of not being here to realize more of who i am, and at 23 i'd say it's about time i got on track. and i know, i'll never really know who i am until i'm done living (we all saw the rules of attraction). but regardless, returning here completely dissolves any defenses i've manufactured and it leaves me feeling incredibly vulnerable. being here reminds me of old times, of course. both good and bad. it reminds me of the repression that we suburbanites know all too well. and i could tell you all a tale of a thanksgiving you'd never forget, complete with knives, 911 calls, and divorce papers being served. i remember this, and i see everyone here, calmly smiling at one another, anger brewing beneath their skin as they talk to one another as though the past was just a dream. and it makes me want to shut up. shut off. left to fend off these wolves in lord & taylor clothing with hardly a weapon aside from my skin. and as thick as it is, nothing seeps through your pores quicker than close family. it's like cuddling close with arsenic and letting it slip you the tongue. only not. because that's incest.
that said.
i'm glad to be here.
and with that i take my leave.