Oct 27, 2012 23:14
first day i've spent a long time with my mom (noon till 9ish). Not that bad but fuck....the relationship dynamic between my mom and I is.....well fucked up.
She's basically been an alcy my entire life. when I got back from college it had just spiraled out of control. I already did have the best relationship with my mom and after watching her destroy our family from the inside out. I basically quietly wrote her off. Was never sure what was around the corner. Rehab again? Another hospital visit? The scariest prospect....
getting a call that either she was dead or she was driving drunk and killed someone.
My dad and I talked about that scenario once....if she would get behind the wheel and possible kill someone. I think it scared us so much....that convo was short and we didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm just afraid, that while the dementia isn't getting worse, it isn't going to get any better. She still forget a lot of things that just happened and makes random shit up. Fuck today at lunch she mentioned even us having a shot. Seriously.
She's also still trying to process all the changes of the divorce and move/sale of the house etc. It's still a lot for me to take in.
Bill has been awesome about taking her in. I haven't said anything but I've wanted to scream at him for doing this. But now, maybe I'm turning the corner about how I feel about my mom. She didn't belong in that home at all. At least she is somewhere that is better. I know Bill has an idea how i feel cuz he mentioned "she's still your mother".
Part of me instantly wants to fire back "Really?!? Because I havn't seen much of that motherly person in 27 years." Little spits of it when I was younger.
I remember when my dad, mom and I were happy....i was pretty young still (around 6-12 yrs old or so). Still young not to see any underlying issues though.
Doctors and shit say that alcoholism is a disease. My main problem is I can't wrap my head around that and don't believe it. When you see everything falling apart around you.....how can you still do it.
Certain things i thought about today that i dont wanna get into now.....
they bring up the old feelings of wanting to just put a fucking gun to my head. Job/career/life/gf shit.
only thing is ill mention the gf stuff. Everything is awesome....i think. The one thing i don't like is something that while it is a problem it is two fold and the fix brings up another problem.
I hate how casual we are with our relationship....but here is where it is two fold, I love it too. I love that we can joke and kinda act like best buds and not so serious all the fucking time (like i felt with Katie...never felt like i could be myself around her). But I feel this lack of trust isn't there because while we are "officially dating"....it doesn't feel like it to me. Part of me pushes against that I know cuz I'm scared...and as ive said, that certain part of me died years ago. Part of me questions what she's thinking when she thinks of our relationship. But both of us are bad at bringing this shit up and im just afraid that this relationship is just gonna kinda fade away
I dont want that at all because, like i said before....i have certain feelings i haven't felt in a long time. I just am scared to bring things up like this.
Listening to the new Stone Sour album "House of gold and bones" (went and saw king tuts tomb exhibit today with my mom.....ahhhh see how i tied that in? lol. So far sounds awesome. Certain lyrics from a song hit me from "Tried"
I just wanna watch the whole world burn
Lost a million times and I won't learn
Show me someone innocent
I'll show you there's no proof
I may be gullible but I'm no fool
I'm not close
I'm not safe
I don't know, dunno, am I better off in chains?
The one, is not aware, so stay away from me
I'm just too young to care