5:55....almost evil
Long time since I posted.
Status quo for most everything. Up days and down days. This being one of the downers, after a mostly good weekend.
work: not sure. Talked to my dad some weeks ago and it's sitting there in my face. Sr. is probably gonna retire in the next 2-3 years which kills off my job....least half of it. I know i need to go get my paralegal degree. Only thing that would save my job probably. Even knowing i have a job know is stressful. I feel like their is just so many things that are expected of me and I hate bugging Sr. and asking "what the hell is this/what the hell am i suppose to do with this". I feel like if i ask questions it's a failure....like I should know what to do all the time anyway. Which is completely stupid. I remember his son (the managing partner) coming in and mentioning how it is quite the learning curve. I know Sr. likes it when i ask questions too.
Friday Jennifer mentioned how Sr. talked to her and mentioned how awesome ive been and how proactive and helpful ive been. She's said it too and Friday talked to JJR about it. Friday I felt on top of the world....I think about it now and say "fuck....i dont deserve that praise.". I feel like im hanging on to that job by a finger nail.
To make it worse....where do I wanna go with it? Become a lawyer? No. Even if Sr or one of the other attorneys wanted to do the training, I dont know if id want it.
I hate still questioning what I want to do with my life.
Love life: Phewwwwww....where to start.
Months ago...after cynthia and i broke it off, I texted Erica saying "hey long time no talk". Ya...im a dirt bag. I expected her to basically blow me off....I wouldve. Well, we are basically dating now....I guess. Woke up this morning and she had changed her FB status from single to in a relationship. Id assume that is me unless she was fucking someone else behind my back. Weird thing was she didnt tag me so that means she is being careful in announcing it. We havent talked seriously at all about it. Hinted at the fact that we need to talk but nothing more.
When we first got close, bout 3 weeks back, I felt that.....that feeling that I havent felt since Cari. But it was faint. While it is a good feeling, it scared the shit outta me. Now, I want that feeling again, and i dont feel it, I feel like im already bored with the relationship. I love hanging out with her and feel awesome while I am but times like now, I have no drive or want to hangout with her.
I think my past self really did die years ago after the fallout from me a cari. Their is a part of me that will never be there again. I loved not having that part of me...that part that would bend over backwards for the girl i liked but it seems it has gone even more extreme. I know I cant be walk on but now it's like I dont even care. But I know I do....its such a hard thing to explain. I fear I will fuck it up every step of the way. I know she wants to hangout right now and it sucks for her that right now I feel this way.
holy shit what the fuck is wrong with me. I am just barely starting a relationship and already fucking it up.
I guess the FB status change this morning bugged me too.....a lot. I wanted to talk with her first. Wanted to put all the cards down. Wanted to tie up loose ends with Cari and Bri (if i could find a spine).
Family: It's official....dad is moving out and found a apt. yesterday was the first day of really cleaning shit out of my old room. My therapist asked if it hit home yet and it hadnt until yesterday....only a little bit. That little bit was enough to bug the hell outta me.
Their is a very scary part of me that I dont like. If my therapist asked how, in general, i felt about how the situation went with my parents (drinking, detox, seperation, divorce, etc)id basically answer:
imagine a kid with all the power in the world. he would then walk down the street throwing fireballs, blowing shit up, killing innocents, and basically destroying all he encountered. The sky would rain acid, no sun would ever be seen. it would be a pretty shitty scene. that kid would be me.
this image pops into my mind at least once a week. it scares me to death. but somehow i keep it all under wraps.
pretty sure the drinking subdues the beast....which then ruins the rest of my life
Status quo for most everything. Up days and down days. This being one of the downers, after a mostly good weekend.
work: not sure. Talked to my dad some weeks ago and it's sitting there in my face. Sr. is probably gonna retire in the next 2-3 years which kills off my job....least half of it. I know i need to go get my paralegal degree. Only thing that would save my job probably. Even knowing i have a job know is stressful. I feel like their is just so many things that are expected of me and I hate bugging Sr. and asking "what the hell is this/what the hell am i suppose to do with this". I feel like if i ask questions it's a failure....like I should know what to do all the time anyway. Which is completely stupid. I remember his son (the managing partner) coming in and mentioning how it is quite the learning curve. I know Sr. likes it when i ask questions too.
Friday Jennifer mentioned how Sr. talked to her and mentioned how awesome ive been and how proactive and helpful ive been. She's said it too and Friday talked to JJR about it. Friday I felt on top of the world....I think about it now and say "fuck....i dont deserve that praise.". I feel like im hanging on to that job by a finger nail.
To make it worse....where do I wanna go with it? Become a lawyer? No. Even if Sr or one of the other attorneys wanted to do the training, I dont know if id want it.
I hate still questioning what I want to do with my life.
Love life: Phewwwwww....where to start.
Months ago...after cynthia and i broke it off, I texted Erica saying "hey long time no talk". Ya...im a dirt bag. I expected her to basically blow me off....I wouldve. Well, we are basically dating now....I guess. Woke up this morning and she had changed her FB status from single to in a relationship. Id assume that is me unless she was fucking someone else behind my back. Weird thing was she didnt tag me so that means she is being careful in announcing it. We havent talked seriously at all about it. Hinted at the fact that we need to talk but nothing more.
When we first got close, bout 3 weeks back, I felt that.....that feeling that I havent felt since Cari. But it was faint. While it is a good feeling, it scared the shit outta me. Now, I want that feeling again, and i dont feel it, I feel like im already bored with the relationship. I love hanging out with her and feel awesome while I am but times like now, I have no drive or want to hangout with her.
I think my past self really did die years ago after the fallout from me a cari. Their is a part of me that will never be there again. I loved not having that part of me...that part that would bend over backwards for the girl i liked but it seems it has gone even more extreme. I know I cant be walk on but now it's like I dont even care. But I know I do....its such a hard thing to explain. I fear I will fuck it up every step of the way. I know she wants to hangout right now and it sucks for her that right now I feel this way.
holy shit what the fuck is wrong with me. I am just barely starting a relationship and already fucking it up.
I guess the FB status change this morning bugged me too.....a lot. I wanted to talk with her first. Wanted to put all the cards down. Wanted to tie up loose ends with Cari and Bri (if i could find a spine).
Family: It's official....dad is moving out and found a apt. yesterday was the first day of really cleaning shit out of my old room. My therapist asked if it hit home yet and it hadnt until yesterday....only a little bit. That little bit was enough to bug the hell outta me.
Their is a very scary part of me that I dont like. If my therapist asked how, in general, i felt about how the situation went with my parents (drinking, detox, seperation, divorce, etc)id basically answer:
imagine a kid with all the power in the world. he would then walk down the street throwing fireballs, blowing shit up, killing innocents, and basically destroying all he encountered. The sky would rain acid, no sun would ever be seen. it would be a pretty shitty scene. that kid would be me.
this image pops into my mind at least once a week. it scares me to death. but somehow i keep it all under wraps.
pretty sure the drinking subdues the beast....which then ruins the rest of my life