of abortions and death and illness. plus im fucked up in the head...

[lonesomecracker]

so im going to go pick up some anti-crazy pills and see if they help me some. iv allways felt i was more than a little fucked up, i was just never sure in which way. hopefully these may level me out. if not then i guess ill give the antidepressants another shot. i really despise those things for so many reasons, but as of late the ends may justify the means. by now iv realized that even things that i thought would pass in time will not, not for me at least. i think everyone, myself included initially, underestimated how much this meant to me.i am probally a complete fucking nutcase, but i really dont feel that is related to this, just making it more difficult to cope. i dont feel that i am obsessed in any means. i dont know if its the same for girls, but for guys they often have a car bike etc that they once had. maybe it belonged to their father or brother.then they get rid of it, and for the rest of their life they feel regret frot that. you can buy another one but it dosnt have the same personality. for my own part i would never sell my truck. but its more than nostaligia, more than memories assosicated with. and sometimes you can make all the money in the world, but you can never get back what you lost. you can replace it with things more attractive more expensive or almost identical. but its not the same and it never will be. some lucky people get their second chance. but they are few and far between. sometimes once its gone its gone. and there will allways be the thought of what you had, and what you will never have again.and i have come to realize that no matter how many years pass that will never fail to bring a tear to my eye. "its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" . im not sure. perhaps it is better to be unaware. you cant want for what you dont know. if you were raised on spam and bologna, and then had filet for a year, could you ever go back to spam? what once seemed pretty good, now seems completly unacceptable by comparison. but being a combination of all the theories here within, its a difficult postion. and i wont settle for anythign less.

okay now lets have fun. im going to try and make an entry each day for a while. lets see how the various types of medication affect my entries. ie topic material, mood, vocabulary, spelling, grammer(to be fair i can spell and i know proper grammer, i just dont fucking care, maybe that will change) and how introspective i am in comparison.

i know what i really need isnt a pill in any form, but sometimes you cant jsut get what you need. so you find the best way to cope you can. to at least do what you have to do. becasue i will do absolutely anything neccessary. its completly worth it. you wish you knew exactley what you had to do, but if you have to bust your ass for the next 50 years you will do it with a smile on your face. perhaps i was born into the wrong time. lets prove everyone wrong. i know what to do now. all i need is a little support and i know i will make it. but sometimes if your too late your too late. lets hope that isnt the case. of course sometimes everyone beleives its too late, but people change their minds.perhasp i am an optimist, or a dreamer, i dont beleive anything in life is finite, except death, and i have doubts on that.if you want it bad enough, you work hard enough, you can change anyhting. and today i realized thats me. everything clicked.the sad partis i know i will do all of this with absolutely no support from anyone. and that really stings. ill do it wihtout anyone if thats what it takes.