Superman Tonight (18/?)
Title: Superman Tonight (18/?)
Author: lonelyphoenix85
Rating: R overall, mainly for the odd swear-word
Genre: Pre-slash, angst, hurt/comfort
Pairing: Sam/Gabriel pre-slash, Dean/Cas pre-slash, Aziraphale/Crowley slash
Spoilers: through to Changing Channels (5x08)
Warnings: None
Word Count: 1725 (this part, 38973 total so far)
Disclaimer: It only belongs to me when I'm dreaming! Bon Jovi owns the song, and the rest is property of the almighty Kripke!
Author's Note: Just wanted to say thanks to my fantastic beta for this story,
of_red_clouds - you're awesome!
Another Note: Huge huge huge apologies to my readers for taking so long to get this up, but RL took over there for a while! Hopefully the next chapter won't take half as long to get up *grins*
Previous Chapters: | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17
And now:
Chapter 18
“What you felt - it was my Grace. It was me lashing out to kill Zachariah…I didn’t realise Sammy - I had no idea the bond was that strong on your side…if I had…Shit, kiddo! I nearly killed you dealing with that hell-bound, polluted, poisonous sonuvabitch!”
Sam didn’t know what to say.
He wanted to point out that it was okay - that he was here, alive and breathing - but he remembered what it had felt like.
He remembered three years ago when Jake had slid the knife into his back - the pain, the dimming, the encroaching blackness…
What he’d felt on the highway had been nothing like that.
It had been so much worse, so far beyond it, that Sam couldn’t fully describe it even when Gabriel had asked.
Dying was nothing compared to what Gabriel’s Grace had done to him, and while he didn’t blame the Archangel, some instinct deep inside him couldn’t help but pull back in fear.
He watched as Gabriel’s anger disappeared, and winced at the pain that replaced it. The angel’s eyes became shuttered, and Sam knew he’d been listening in again.
Without even realising what he was doing, Sam reached out and laid his hand on Gabriel’s knee.
At the Archangel’s surprised look - which Sam preferred to the pained one by far - Sam took a breath and spoke, keeping his hand firmly in place. It was important that Gabriel understood what Sam said next, and the contact might help. At the very least it would help drive home that Sam wasn’t about to run a mile in the other direction just because Gabriel could flatten him with all the ease of someone swatting a bug.
*With more ease, even…* he thought apprehensively, before forcing it away and focussing.
“How long have you been on Earth?”
Gabriel’s surprise quickly became confusion, but Sam waited a beat and he got his answer.
“Nearly two thousand years.”
“And how much longer have you watched humans?”
Sam very carefully thought only about what he needed to say next, not wanting Gabriel to skip ahead of him in his thoughts and risk missing the point.
“Since Dad created Adam…”
“And in all that time you haven’t learned that humans cannot control their every thought, and that instinct is just that - instinctive? Fear of something a thousand - a million - times more powerful is a genetically inherited safe-guard against danger, Gabriel,” Sam said fighting to keep his voice level, to keep it calm.
“Sam…”
Sam ignored the interruption, determined to make his point.
“What happened with your Grace - it wasn’t your fault…you had no way of knowing it would use the Bond in that way. I know that - I understand that, and I’m not afraid of you.”
When he saw that Gabriel was about to argue, he held up a hand - although not the one on Gabriel’s knee - to stop him.
“The sheer power you have at your command is terrifying - I’m not disputing that. What it could do to a person…to me…is terrifying. But I am not afraid of you. We’ve had our problems in the past, sure, but right here, right now? I trust you Gabriel. It’s that simple…”
“I nearly destroyed you Sammy - there’s no after-life with that kind of death…no Heaven…you can’t expect me to believe you’re okay with that.”
Sam stopped for a second to consider that. The thought of nothing after death was strange - he’d always sort-of believed in Heaven, even before Castiel had saved Dean, and he found it difficult to wrap his head around the idea that this life could potentially be all there was…that he had come so very close to not even existing anymore.
He could think of more than one point in his recent history when that thought would have been met with an enthusiasm that made him sick to even consider now. When he would have welcomed oblivion…
Seeing Gabriel’s expression start to darken Sam shook his head slightly and gave him a sad smile. He’d been in a dark place, more than once, but he wasn’t there now and that was what mattered, what was important.
“Why did you do it?” Sam asked simply, getting straight back to the point.
“Why…?! I didn’t do it on purpose kid! What the Hell?”
*Oh come on! You’re not an idiot, stop acting like one!* Sam thought loudly. At Gabriel’s offended look, he smirked. *If I can hear you when you project thoughts - that’s what you did with that apology to Cas, right? - then I figured me projecting would get your attention…giving me chance to do this…*
Even as he pushed the thought out Sam was moving, leaning forward quickly to use his spare hand to cuff the stunned Archangel on the head.
“Hey! What in Dad’s name was that for Sammy?”
“Being an idiot. Now, why did you do it? And by ‘it’ you know full well I mean ‘use your Grace’, not ‘nearly kill me’.”
“Because I needed to stop Zachariah before he killed your friend, and I was out of options.”
“So I nearly died to save Bobby’s life?”
Sam watched as Gabriel nodded with a frown.
“Good.”
“…huh?”
“Good. I can say with absolute honesty that I’m one hundred percent okay with nearly being completely destroyed by your Grace.”
And he was. If it saved someone he loved, then he could be okay with it. He loved Bobby like a father - the man was second only to Dean in Sam’s affections. If Gabriel had known in advance how the bond would react…if he had held off to save Sam…
“You have to promise me that if we’re ever in a similar situation you’ll do the same thing. I don’t want any more blood on my hands than I already have…promise me, Gabe?”
“I don’t think I can do that kiddo - you’re my Bond-mate…I can’t…”
Sam could hear Gabriel’s struggle, could almost feel his torment as he wanted so badly to give Sam what he asked for…he reached out and placed his right hand to mirror his left, so that both Gabriel’s knees were now covered. At the Archangel’s slightly shocked reaction, Sam smiled softly.
“You knew using your Grace would harm Cas if we were too close, and I think you knew we hadn’t had time to get far enough away - so why did you do it anyway?” he asked.
“Because he’d never have forgiven me if I’d let him live at that kind of price. But Sam, you can’t draw a comparison - he’s my brother, and I’d die for him…nearly did in point of fact…but you’re my Bond-mate. What that means…you don’t understand…”
“Then explain it to me.”
“Bond-mates are two halves of the same Grace - or in our case I guess Soul and Grace? Well, they’re two halves of a whole, that’s what matters - one without the other, it doesn’t work. In the past, a Bond severed by death has generally sought to balance the equation…”
“You mean you’d die too…”
“No. No, I wouldn’t, because ours wouldn’t be severed by death if I did what you’re asking - it would be severed by my Grace. There’s only ever been one Bond severed by a Bond-mate intentionally, and the Angel involved didn’t die. His wound festered, and the absence of his Bonded twisted his Grace over time into something dangerous, something cold and empty. I’m not a very good angel to start with…”
Sam tried to object to this, but Gabriel’s hands on top of his on the Archangel’s knees silenced him.
“I’m not Sammy, haven’t been for a long time…and the Angel I’m talking about? He was. He was magnificent and kind and everything Dad wanted his first children to be. Now he’s cold, ruthless, the perfect General sending his brothers to die and killing those our Father asked us to love above even him.”
Sam’s eyes widened in shock as he realised who Gabriel was referring to.
“Michael broke his Bond with Lucifer, and became a monster. I’m not half as good as he was Sam, and the years have taught me so much that he’ll never know, shown me power that he’d never think to try and use - so I’m asking you…I’m begging you…please don’t ask me to do it. What I’d become…”
Sam sat silently as Gabriel trailed off, not sure what to say. He squeezed the Archangel’s knee gently, hoping that he could provide some level of comfort, all the while knowing it could never be enough.
Gabriel was right - he couldn’t ask it of him. He couldn’t help the part of him that thanked God they hadn’t known before - he couldn’t bring himself to regret Bobby being alive - but he wouldn’t make Gabriel take the risk again. He could live with blood on his hands if it came down to it, because the alternative would be so much worse.
Gabriel’s power, his intelligence, his resourcefulness, un-tempered by any conscience…if there was anything more terrifying Sam didn’t know what it was. Even Lucifer seemed less of a threat than Gabriel could become, because he was arrogant, and his pride gave him a weakness. Gabriel was clever, he was cautious, and he knew how to survive.
Nodding his head slowly, Sam sighed.
“I’m sorry kid - I really am…”
“I know - I…you’re right though, I can live with a little blood on my hands if it comes to that - we don’t need any more insanely over-powered bad-guys running around. Is there any chance it was a one-off though? Any chance it might not be that bad next time? I mean you used your Grace to heal Cas, right? And it didn’t do anything to me…”
“It’s different…healing, fighting - the way Grace is used for the two doesn’t compare. As far as ‘next time’ is concerned, we’re not even trying it - there’s a risk even with something small Sammy, there’s too much we don’t know. Nope, as much as it sucks, from now on I’m on defense in this fight kiddo.”
Sam wracked his brain for a new topic of conversation, needing to disperse the darkness that seemed to have settled over them. Thinking back, he realised something suddenly.
“You never did answer me earlier - where are we?”
Gabriel snorted harshly and shook his head.
“You’ve got a real knack for finding the worst conversation topics available, you know that Sasquatch?”
Chapter 19