consider my silence.
currently im trying to find that song.
you know.
the one to define.
the one to expell those emotions?
you know the one., dont you?
its strange.
right now i thought i woudl be thinking about someone else.
with shining blue eyes.
a smile with teeth when she is truly being happy.
a smile without when she is humoring those onlookers who dream of such things as her true smile.
i know how that is.
to be 35 and lost. even if im 11 years away from that.
to find that youthfullness in HER smile. the one that can make you want to scream so loudly that YOUR AMAZING AND YOU ARE THE WAY OF THAT ALL SHOULD BE!!!!
but would that way be so specifically skewed to a point in which you cannot and will not ever be so inspired to venture your heart again?
its true.
sleeping next to you was so comforting, but at the same time i had to question the world; and every moment of the esxperience
and when my questions were so answered the world decided to stop spinning for 8 days and i was waiting for some absolution, but all i found was emptiness. i wanted to hear your voice so fucking bad... ::STRIKE THAT AND BE HONEST GOD DAMNIT.::
i wanted you to tell me you loved me. because they dont love me like i love you...
and yet.
now. well not so much now, but then, and even before, and a year ago, and so on...
when i look back on it all acutally...
there is someone else in that picture. well or should i say there have been someone else in those pictures.
or in your pictures.
or in my pictures.
we always take pictures.
to remember those fleeting moments where we could semi express that thing.
when we could smile without boundery and just.... BE>
like a walk on the beach when its like 50 degrees outside and for those 15 minutes when we could actually sit there and wonder (together) where we would be later in life and never realize (seperately) where we were at those moments that we should have appreciated so much more.
and then when we tried to talk about it.
there were nothing but excuses.
both you and i.
excusing our behavior.
excusing what we do when we do and why.
but who cares about all of that right?
tonight i played a show that represented my addition to this music.
to this dream
to this example of a life that requires artistic excellence at all times, the mystery, the fashion, the excitement, the act.
but there is only one thing that i cannot say.
and that is truly that i miss you.
every fucking day.
\and tomorrow i will most likely delete this.
or maybe ill let it stay.
but i dont know.
i dont know if it is dreams.
or the alcohol.
that allows me to express what it is i cannot ever say with my words but always with my eyes, since that day, long before those dances, long before those nights, and even longer before just recently.
i hate how i am afraid of depiction to anyone who is unaware, but very specific to those who are infact aware.
but then again.
that is most likely you and i.
im certain that this will go down as one of those moments where i can only express what i know to be heartfelt - and you will never most likely know.
or maybe you do.
and regret, not ever being able to say those words. even if we have before. hopefully the other wont know that we feel them more then we could ever admit.
and so i dredg along within my own existance. ive been running and avoiding and fearing.
ever since the day i met you.
i still remember you standing there.
after just walking in.
we didnt talk very much - not the way that we do now.
it was appropriate for the moment, the circumstances and the experience.
however.
i never knew.
until i saw the reflection of something designed to be fearful in your eyes.
and then i knew
but never said.
and never would.
until much later.
and even then within the context that you could take it however you wanted to.
and you did.
i know this seems to not be very specific.
to everyone else in the world.
but there is only one audience for this.
the audience that has been there for a long time now.
i didnt know.
until just recently.
that you were the muse.
that you were the misguided and fucked up perfection that i always longed for.
the fireworks still excite you, and it will never be mine, or yours, but ours.
these are of course the moments weve shared, and always wanted to share.
i run away because i am always afraid of that which i want the most.
so let me be honest.
i prefer the real honest to god slightly hung over descending view without contact lenses or excuses, the ones that for a moment make me pause and realize that infact you are the person i never knew you would be but always felt and never mentioned.
the truth behind everything can only be found within my regrets, mistakes, and fears.
it wasnt that i was blinded by this fear. just pessimistic.
i once told you that i know the way you needed to be loved.
and that was the underlying reason for smoking that cigarette.
but what i never said before was that you are my inspiration to love.
i spared you always from those moments where i would dissapoint you.
and yet through myself into a place purposefully that would automatically dissapoint you.
you have always been my cure.
and i have always been afraid that i was that moment of consideration without action.
and i never understood the music - until you werent there listening, and how empty the sound was without you there, smileing at me.. you bring me colour, and life. even if the words are few and far between, and those moments are even more special because of the infrequency.
we still rejoice when we spend more than one day a month together.
maybe we should read between the lines that we have created for ourselves.
it is never what you say so much.
as the way you say it.
when your voice shifts to that tone that i cant help but smile when thinking about.
and you call me dear.
it always carries alot more weight.
and means more coming from you.
you know.
the one to define.
the one to expell those emotions?
you know the one., dont you?
its strange.
right now i thought i woudl be thinking about someone else.
with shining blue eyes.
a smile with teeth when she is truly being happy.
a smile without when she is humoring those onlookers who dream of such things as her true smile.
i know how that is.
to be 35 and lost. even if im 11 years away from that.
to find that youthfullness in HER smile. the one that can make you want to scream so loudly that YOUR AMAZING AND YOU ARE THE WAY OF THAT ALL SHOULD BE!!!!
but would that way be so specifically skewed to a point in which you cannot and will not ever be so inspired to venture your heart again?
its true.
sleeping next to you was so comforting, but at the same time i had to question the world; and every moment of the esxperience
and when my questions were so answered the world decided to stop spinning for 8 days and i was waiting for some absolution, but all i found was emptiness. i wanted to hear your voice so fucking bad... ::STRIKE THAT AND BE HONEST GOD DAMNIT.::
i wanted you to tell me you loved me. because they dont love me like i love you...
and yet.
now. well not so much now, but then, and even before, and a year ago, and so on...
when i look back on it all acutally...
there is someone else in that picture. well or should i say there have been someone else in those pictures.
or in your pictures.
or in my pictures.
we always take pictures.
to remember those fleeting moments where we could semi express that thing.
when we could smile without boundery and just.... BE>
like a walk on the beach when its like 50 degrees outside and for those 15 minutes when we could actually sit there and wonder (together) where we would be later in life and never realize (seperately) where we were at those moments that we should have appreciated so much more.
and then when we tried to talk about it.
there were nothing but excuses.
both you and i.
excusing our behavior.
excusing what we do when we do and why.
but who cares about all of that right?
tonight i played a show that represented my addition to this music.
to this dream
to this example of a life that requires artistic excellence at all times, the mystery, the fashion, the excitement, the act.
but there is only one thing that i cannot say.
and that is truly that i miss you.
every fucking day.
\and tomorrow i will most likely delete this.
or maybe ill let it stay.
but i dont know.
i dont know if it is dreams.
or the alcohol.
that allows me to express what it is i cannot ever say with my words but always with my eyes, since that day, long before those dances, long before those nights, and even longer before just recently.
i hate how i am afraid of depiction to anyone who is unaware, but very specific to those who are infact aware.
but then again.
that is most likely you and i.
im certain that this will go down as one of those moments where i can only express what i know to be heartfelt - and you will never most likely know.
or maybe you do.
and regret, not ever being able to say those words. even if we have before. hopefully the other wont know that we feel them more then we could ever admit.
and so i dredg along within my own existance. ive been running and avoiding and fearing.
ever since the day i met you.
i still remember you standing there.
after just walking in.
we didnt talk very much - not the way that we do now.
it was appropriate for the moment, the circumstances and the experience.
however.
i never knew.
until i saw the reflection of something designed to be fearful in your eyes.
and then i knew
but never said.
and never would.
until much later.
and even then within the context that you could take it however you wanted to.
and you did.
i know this seems to not be very specific.
to everyone else in the world.
but there is only one audience for this.
the audience that has been there for a long time now.
i didnt know.
until just recently.
that you were the muse.
that you were the misguided and fucked up perfection that i always longed for.
the fireworks still excite you, and it will never be mine, or yours, but ours.
these are of course the moments weve shared, and always wanted to share.
i run away because i am always afraid of that which i want the most.
so let me be honest.
i prefer the real honest to god slightly hung over descending view without contact lenses or excuses, the ones that for a moment make me pause and realize that infact you are the person i never knew you would be but always felt and never mentioned.
the truth behind everything can only be found within my regrets, mistakes, and fears.
it wasnt that i was blinded by this fear. just pessimistic.
i once told you that i know the way you needed to be loved.
and that was the underlying reason for smoking that cigarette.
but what i never said before was that you are my inspiration to love.
i spared you always from those moments where i would dissapoint you.
and yet through myself into a place purposefully that would automatically dissapoint you.
you have always been my cure.
and i have always been afraid that i was that moment of consideration without action.
and i never understood the music - until you werent there listening, and how empty the sound was without you there, smileing at me.. you bring me colour, and life. even if the words are few and far between, and those moments are even more special because of the infrequency.
we still rejoice when we spend more than one day a month together.
maybe we should read between the lines that we have created for ourselves.
it is never what you say so much.
as the way you say it.
when your voice shifts to that tone that i cant help but smile when thinking about.
and you call me dear.
it always carries alot more weight.
and means more coming from you.