(no subject)
Can you see this?
Can you see me?
It's as if every now and again this veil lifts and I can truly feel. Usually after midnight, sometimes deep deep within the beginnings of the morning. I love to live with the rising of the sun, I can be a part of that "new beginning" the "every day is different" and even the "tomorrow will be better". I don't ever want to be without that feeling, it's the rising the sun, the warmth of the hope it provides that keeps me going.
I want to be involved in every stitch of everyday. To be able to experience all those things I don't when I'm asleep.. sometimes just to watch the time pass, like sand sifting its way through my hands, like learning to stop trying to catch those things I cannot control.
It has taken far more time than I thought it would, but I have grown so much. I still have pitfalls, and I always will, but there are those speed bumps I have long since stopped rolling over.. Men.. well, what can we say about men.. True men are few and far between, and most of what we run into are just silly little boys who think they have, but have yet to grow out of their "diapers".
I would like to introduce you to myself and list of ideals :
Stephen : First and foremost.. I think now a mistake. From the beginning he said he didn't want me, and I always pushed, for nothing but some of the worst times of my life. He's a good person, it just takes a lot to see it sometimes, you have to be patient, but he does shine.
Sean : What can I say.. I have met a lot of fags in my life rolled up all in themselves, but he takes the cake. I've never met a person who let lies roll so easily from the tongue.. Loved? Doubt it, cheated.. yeah.. he did.. That's enough.
Eric : Gone with the wind, and I'm probably better for it. Five years older, and 10 years younger. Probably brazen with what he would call the experience of a "hard life". But I don't see how getting yourself involved with drugs, and probably having your life threatened on a weekly basis gives you the ticket to being "hard". It takes a lot more in my opinion to grow up then just to be put in hard situations, it takes learning to persevere and survive through those situations that truly helps us achieve greatness.
Billiejoe : As I think some of you may recognize that name. I had a fleeting crush on him. I think it was sweet actually, on my part at least. Thinking about him I still catch myself with a little grin across my face. I don't think I ever told him directly, but I mentioned once or twice that he restores my faith in people a little bit. He's energetic, smart, cute, funny.. and most of all.. he's human. Never before have I met someone who I thought understood how I felt more than him.. and maybe that's what attracted me to him. Unfortunately, it was a fatal attraction.. haha. I quickly realized there were things about him I liked, and that we'd never actually get together, and given the games I played with Stephen for so long I took a drastic.. and even dramatic measure to more or less close our friendship and let myself work through some of the feelings I had so that in the future I might make a better friend to him. Personally, it was the best decision for me. I don't know how it affected him I haven't really spoken to him about it.. but.. it is what it is.
Aaron : Ah yes, Sexy Mexy. Texas, he has many names. I plan to meet him this weekend actually for the first time in our almost three years of contact. Starting off promising each other the world, I thought at 15, I had it all. Stephen had disappeared, Eric had doubled the pain Stephen caused and here came Aaron.. Sweet little Aaron who could do nothing else but call me beautiful and eventually tell me he loved me. I still have letters from that first Valentine's Day where I felt like I actually had someone even if he was 600 miles away. I remember breaking his heart, all the times that I did.. Long story short, he is by far the greatest person who's ever been interested in me, and I believe we are slowly rehabilitating our relationship. Provided he doesn't chicken out on me again.. Ha. We shall see.
Given all that I've been through.. with people anyway. I have hard times with my personal relationships. Friends, family.. boys. I have a hard time trusting anyone.. And if you do happen to hear me tell you I love you, it's most likely an automated response to you telling it to me first. I try not to love anyone too much, because I'm always afraid that if I do, they'll disappear.
It's funny how if you've known me for years how much you should be able to see that I've changed. Even now it's so simple.. I can see the lamp light separating the keys on my keyboard in half.. one side dark and lonely, and one side illuminated by an almost righteous glow.. It's strange how we relate to even the smallest things.. how someday we all realize how little we mean in the grand scheme of things.. how in the Grand Design we are but a thread in an intricately woven.. something huge.
Can you see me yet?
I talk so much of not trusting, and yet my best friend is this fucking computer. I tell more to it than I do to my own self, and like some trashy gossip whore it runs and tells you all. I mean sure, circumstances are a little different.. I do allow it to tell you, but the premise is the same. I write here because I am plagued with insecurity and I would rather you hear these words with your eyes so that you have to see my defeated soul as it pours from my lips and onto your sometimes already full lap. I do sometimes try desperately to cling to people, to reach to some of them.. but even those few will tell you that I have been silent for quite a while. My insecurities stretch so far that I avoid talking sometimes and only insert myself into a situation to listen, because if I were to speak I'm afraid nothing would escape me but the sounds of tears rushing to already bloodshot eyes.
Although I hide a lot of things from you.. what I have shown you all is not a front. I have never tried to pretend to be something I'm not.. I don't always balance myself and sometimes you may get a little more of one piece of me than you can or want to handle, but I have always been me. There may be things about me you don't know, but what you do know of me is true. I am loud, funny, obnoxious, mean, kind, loving.. blah blah blah.
Things must change. I must change. We must change.
I don't want to lose all of you, and I won't lie.. there are some people in my life worth losing.. but I need new experiences, new people.. There are things I can't show you that for some reason I am willing to expose to complete strangers.
I suppose I'll let this hussy of a bitch ass computer tell you all of these things when you get around to listening to it.
Ciao
Can you see me?
It's as if every now and again this veil lifts and I can truly feel. Usually after midnight, sometimes deep deep within the beginnings of the morning. I love to live with the rising of the sun, I can be a part of that "new beginning" the "every day is different" and even the "tomorrow will be better". I don't ever want to be without that feeling, it's the rising the sun, the warmth of the hope it provides that keeps me going.
I want to be involved in every stitch of everyday. To be able to experience all those things I don't when I'm asleep.. sometimes just to watch the time pass, like sand sifting its way through my hands, like learning to stop trying to catch those things I cannot control.
It has taken far more time than I thought it would, but I have grown so much. I still have pitfalls, and I always will, but there are those speed bumps I have long since stopped rolling over.. Men.. well, what can we say about men.. True men are few and far between, and most of what we run into are just silly little boys who think they have, but have yet to grow out of their "diapers".
I would like to introduce you to myself and list of ideals :
Stephen : First and foremost.. I think now a mistake. From the beginning he said he didn't want me, and I always pushed, for nothing but some of the worst times of my life. He's a good person, it just takes a lot to see it sometimes, you have to be patient, but he does shine.
Sean : What can I say.. I have met a lot of fags in my life rolled up all in themselves, but he takes the cake. I've never met a person who let lies roll so easily from the tongue.. Loved? Doubt it, cheated.. yeah.. he did.. That's enough.
Eric : Gone with the wind, and I'm probably better for it. Five years older, and 10 years younger. Probably brazen with what he would call the experience of a "hard life". But I don't see how getting yourself involved with drugs, and probably having your life threatened on a weekly basis gives you the ticket to being "hard". It takes a lot more in my opinion to grow up then just to be put in hard situations, it takes learning to persevere and survive through those situations that truly helps us achieve greatness.
Billiejoe : As I think some of you may recognize that name. I had a fleeting crush on him. I think it was sweet actually, on my part at least. Thinking about him I still catch myself with a little grin across my face. I don't think I ever told him directly, but I mentioned once or twice that he restores my faith in people a little bit. He's energetic, smart, cute, funny.. and most of all.. he's human. Never before have I met someone who I thought understood how I felt more than him.. and maybe that's what attracted me to him. Unfortunately, it was a fatal attraction.. haha. I quickly realized there were things about him I liked, and that we'd never actually get together, and given the games I played with Stephen for so long I took a drastic.. and even dramatic measure to more or less close our friendship and let myself work through some of the feelings I had so that in the future I might make a better friend to him. Personally, it was the best decision for me. I don't know how it affected him I haven't really spoken to him about it.. but.. it is what it is.
Aaron : Ah yes, Sexy Mexy. Texas, he has many names. I plan to meet him this weekend actually for the first time in our almost three years of contact. Starting off promising each other the world, I thought at 15, I had it all. Stephen had disappeared, Eric had doubled the pain Stephen caused and here came Aaron.. Sweet little Aaron who could do nothing else but call me beautiful and eventually tell me he loved me. I still have letters from that first Valentine's Day where I felt like I actually had someone even if he was 600 miles away. I remember breaking his heart, all the times that I did.. Long story short, he is by far the greatest person who's ever been interested in me, and I believe we are slowly rehabilitating our relationship. Provided he doesn't chicken out on me again.. Ha. We shall see.
Given all that I've been through.. with people anyway. I have hard times with my personal relationships. Friends, family.. boys. I have a hard time trusting anyone.. And if you do happen to hear me tell you I love you, it's most likely an automated response to you telling it to me first. I try not to love anyone too much, because I'm always afraid that if I do, they'll disappear.
It's funny how if you've known me for years how much you should be able to see that I've changed. Even now it's so simple.. I can see the lamp light separating the keys on my keyboard in half.. one side dark and lonely, and one side illuminated by an almost righteous glow.. It's strange how we relate to even the smallest things.. how someday we all realize how little we mean in the grand scheme of things.. how in the Grand Design we are but a thread in an intricately woven.. something huge.
Can you see me yet?
I talk so much of not trusting, and yet my best friend is this fucking computer. I tell more to it than I do to my own self, and like some trashy gossip whore it runs and tells you all. I mean sure, circumstances are a little different.. I do allow it to tell you, but the premise is the same. I write here because I am plagued with insecurity and I would rather you hear these words with your eyes so that you have to see my defeated soul as it pours from my lips and onto your sometimes already full lap. I do sometimes try desperately to cling to people, to reach to some of them.. but even those few will tell you that I have been silent for quite a while. My insecurities stretch so far that I avoid talking sometimes and only insert myself into a situation to listen, because if I were to speak I'm afraid nothing would escape me but the sounds of tears rushing to already bloodshot eyes.
Although I hide a lot of things from you.. what I have shown you all is not a front. I have never tried to pretend to be something I'm not.. I don't always balance myself and sometimes you may get a little more of one piece of me than you can or want to handle, but I have always been me. There may be things about me you don't know, but what you do know of me is true. I am loud, funny, obnoxious, mean, kind, loving.. blah blah blah.
Things must change. I must change. We must change.
I don't want to lose all of you, and I won't lie.. there are some people in my life worth losing.. but I need new experiences, new people.. There are things I can't show you that for some reason I am willing to expose to complete strangers.
I suppose I'll let this hussy of a bitch ass computer tell you all of these things when you get around to listening to it.
Ciao