Gorgatron
Gorgatron
Last night/this morning was one of the most epic conversations I’ve ever had. 7-8 eight hours of intense group therapy. Turns out the group consisted of but me and one other person. Some group. But it was one of the most intense emotional showings I’ve had with another person, and it was amazing. I would like to give you a rundown of everything that was said, but it’s enough to say that I just simply can’t, this was a closed group and some things are left to remain that way. But some of the things I shared with her are somewhat cliché “me”. Of course we talked about Stephen, we talked about her man, her past, my past, her present state, my present state of being.. the masks we wear and who can or can’t see through them, which is practically no one and almost everyone, respectively. I can’t even tell you how exactly how it started, but I don’t think either one of us really know the answer. It just kind of happened. I lie.
I do know how it started. I had asked her to sleep with me on the couch, and it’s very small, to which I made the comment that it wouldn’t be first time someone had to sleep on top of me. Which for any of you who know me know what that’s in reference to, which started the conversation about Stephen, which started the conversation about her guy, and some of her past relationships, which briefly led to some of my failures, evaluation evaluation, rinse repeat. Which lead to her family, which led somehow to my fear of death and how I can’t handle it, and don’t recognize it. Give you an insight in to what’s coming, I realized and sort of accepted my grandmother’s death this morning, she died four years ago.
So, effectively, in order. The conversation for me went Stephen, Sean, Listen listen listen, listen.. cry cry, grandmother cry, listen listen, listen listen, listen grandmother. Cry. I cried more in the course of this conversation more than I think I’ve cried possibly in all the times I saw Across the Universe, which for anyone who has watched that movie with me once knows that I’ve seen it a bunch, and I’ve cried a bunch.
As much as I hate to say it, there was a lot of unfairnessosityitis that we faced in our stories, I am quite positive she, my friend carries far more weight of her own that I do, but in our own tiny ways we carry separate parts of our own very big worlds on our shoulders. We talked about the unfairness of not being able to have and experience our lovers, even though I have a slight twinge of jealousy, because she at least, in one way or another has hers. So yes, we of course talked about how I’m over Stephen, but I’m still in love with him. We talked about how there are so many things I wished I had said to him, that I wish I would still tell him, but I don’t for many obvious reasons. I cried because I love him so much, but we’re just not compatible has he’s put it. It’s that pain that comes when you want something so bad, but you know you’ll never, ever get it. We talked about how it’s a sacrifice, that I want him in my life so he’s become my best friend, and how I love that so much. How greatful I am that I have him, and how spiteful that I don’t “have” him. How words cannot explain the lengths I would travel, or the amount of feeling within my soul, but that they don’t matter either. Because when I talk about it, I get upset.. and if I’m upset over him, and what happened, I know that upsets him. And if he gets upset, regardless of what it is, I get upset, because I can’t stand to see him hurt over anything. So if I hurt because of him, and that hurts him, it hurts me.. I try not to get upset around him, because I know he loves me and that it hurts him to see me upset as well. Folks, if I really thought you cared, of if I really thought it mattered, I would give you much more than that, and make you think how I’m just the sweetest, most romantic, or creepy depending on which perspective you take, kind of guy.. but it would all be things I’ve been trying to express for almost the last 4 years and if it hasn’t sunk in or had an effect by now, I can only hope that my efforts so far can one day be looked upon as what they are and impress someone.
So in case you weren’t following, let me surmise. I love Stephen, I am in love with Stephen. I know that we can’t be “together” because for some reason, we have a strong love, but we seem to destroy each other.. but please know.. just to hear him say he loved me again and mean it that way, I’d sit and be destroyed for eternity.. you tell me if that’s sweet or just masochistic. He’d say stupid probably. Ha. There are things I want to express to you and him, but can’t find the words.. and when I do, they’re nice. But I am content with his best friendship, and he with mine.. that’s the way it is.. to surmise =P.
She talked for a good while. Her world is denser than mine, her world a little heavier to carry, and I hope that with our conversation she feels that I am here if she needs someone to help her carry it. I think I want a lot of people to feel that way, which is where some of my emotion comes from.. but eh. She’s very important to me. Extremely important. Don’t fuck with her, I’ll fucking kill you. Done.
But she said something about someone very important in her life that upset her.. that reminded me of my grandmother. I was already emotionally crippled at this point, and when I thought of my grandmother.. due to the face that I had not accepted her death thought about her face.. thought about how me, my cousin Stephen, and his sister Crystal sat around playing Phase 10 (which is a card game of epix proportions) and Stephen was eating these dollar store “Cheese Puffs” they were like Cheetos Puffs, but in balls not in those long awkward C shapes.. anyway.. Stephen called them Cheesy Poofs.. and he kept asking her “Maw-Maw.. do you like Cheesy Poofs?” and she kept ignoring him.. and he kept asking.. and eventually she cracked and just started laughing.. and laughing.. she laughed so hard and for so long I swear we thought she was going to die.. and in that instant of replaying that story in my head.. it hit me that she did die.. and it was confusing because I tried to convince myself that she died then, in that memory.. but she didn’t.. I don’t have a memory of when she died, because I ignored it.. I shut it out.. and then I listened to my friend talk.. and all the while I wanted to explode.. because all I could think about was how I never got to tell my grandmother goodbye.. and I remember going to Mississippi later and wanting to go to her house and love up on her.. and I never accepted that I couldn’t do that anymore.. and in that moment, in that terrible moment, four years of tricking myself ended. Gone. Maw-Maw Mary Madee is gone. And I lost my shit. It was bad, but good at the same time. We talked about how she’ll live on forever in my memories, and within myself.. all that good stuff. So it was ok.
Ironically, side note.. I’m sure he remembers.. when my grandmother died, it was before Stephen left, and I went to his house. Figures. =P Told you. Told you Taylor, everything.
The Sean part of the conversation almost isn’t worth mentioning. So I won’t. Just know he’s a grand manipulator, he’s good at what he does, and enjoys it. He cheated, I figured it out.. I’ve foolishly sent him emails telling him things like “Happy Birthday” and whatever, don’t ask, because I’m not sure what I was trying to accomplish.
But, whether it’s your best friend, your grandmother who died before long before you knew it, your mom, your dad, your lover, or even your dog. Make sure even if it sets them back, even if they look at you dumbfounded and show you nothing but apathy, tell him everything you feel, always. Because even if they look at you filled with apathy you know you gave them something “better than silence” to quote a very good song. If you tell them you love them, if you can manage to choke out words that somehow come close to expressing what you feel, when you know that they can’t be explained, you’ve got a chance to change the world. When you can feel that inexplicable love, for family, for lovers, and for friends, when you fear everyday that you’ll lose them and make a valiant effort to tell them they’re the most important things in your life, it’ll be ok when they’re gone.
Because if you manage to miss one second, and you can, it’s not hard.. they’ll disappear.. and no one will blame you for it. Because you’re busy, or you’re distracted.. and no one, no one will blame you for missing that second, and tell you that you can make it up by visiting the grave, and praying.. but when you think about it, that one second meant the world between both of you, and when it comes to me at least, and my grandmother for instance, I will blame myself for the rest of my life, when I think about her, and how I missed that one second and didn’t even get to tell her goodbye.
I know I’ve said this a lot lately, but don’t take anything for granted. Don’t let being in love with your best friend ruin that friendship, take it for what it is, and it’ll last and be wonderful. Keep in mind, that anything is possible, and flow your heart, hope, and creativity through that possibility. Whether it be your mom, and you know you’ll see her tomorrow, or if it’s Stacy from high school and even though you’re going to different colleges, you’ll see each other in the summer.. or even when you fall asleep with then sun, please always try to remember that that sun may never rise again.
Nothing.
For .
Granted.
I think I’m done ladies and gentlemen. I’m not sure what else I can really say, my wrists hurt, my brain hurts. And I might want to go back to sleep. I hope I’ve shown you a piece of me you were unfamiliar with, and if not, good for you.. you might know me a little better than most. Just remember what I said, that’s all I ask.
Peace.
Last night/this morning was one of the most epic conversations I’ve ever had. 7-8 eight hours of intense group therapy. Turns out the group consisted of but me and one other person. Some group. But it was one of the most intense emotional showings I’ve had with another person, and it was amazing. I would like to give you a rundown of everything that was said, but it’s enough to say that I just simply can’t, this was a closed group and some things are left to remain that way. But some of the things I shared with her are somewhat cliché “me”. Of course we talked about Stephen, we talked about her man, her past, my past, her present state, my present state of being.. the masks we wear and who can or can’t see through them, which is practically no one and almost everyone, respectively. I can’t even tell you how exactly how it started, but I don’t think either one of us really know the answer. It just kind of happened. I lie.
I do know how it started. I had asked her to sleep with me on the couch, and it’s very small, to which I made the comment that it wouldn’t be first time someone had to sleep on top of me. Which for any of you who know me know what that’s in reference to, which started the conversation about Stephen, which started the conversation about her guy, and some of her past relationships, which briefly led to some of my failures, evaluation evaluation, rinse repeat. Which lead to her family, which led somehow to my fear of death and how I can’t handle it, and don’t recognize it. Give you an insight in to what’s coming, I realized and sort of accepted my grandmother’s death this morning, she died four years ago.
So, effectively, in order. The conversation for me went Stephen, Sean, Listen listen listen, listen.. cry cry, grandmother cry, listen listen, listen listen, listen grandmother. Cry. I cried more in the course of this conversation more than I think I’ve cried possibly in all the times I saw Across the Universe, which for anyone who has watched that movie with me once knows that I’ve seen it a bunch, and I’ve cried a bunch.
As much as I hate to say it, there was a lot of unfairnessosityitis that we faced in our stories, I am quite positive she, my friend carries far more weight of her own that I do, but in our own tiny ways we carry separate parts of our own very big worlds on our shoulders. We talked about the unfairness of not being able to have and experience our lovers, even though I have a slight twinge of jealousy, because she at least, in one way or another has hers. So yes, we of course talked about how I’m over Stephen, but I’m still in love with him. We talked about how there are so many things I wished I had said to him, that I wish I would still tell him, but I don’t for many obvious reasons. I cried because I love him so much, but we’re just not compatible has he’s put it. It’s that pain that comes when you want something so bad, but you know you’ll never, ever get it. We talked about how it’s a sacrifice, that I want him in my life so he’s become my best friend, and how I love that so much. How greatful I am that I have him, and how spiteful that I don’t “have” him. How words cannot explain the lengths I would travel, or the amount of feeling within my soul, but that they don’t matter either. Because when I talk about it, I get upset.. and if I’m upset over him, and what happened, I know that upsets him. And if he gets upset, regardless of what it is, I get upset, because I can’t stand to see him hurt over anything. So if I hurt because of him, and that hurts him, it hurts me.. I try not to get upset around him, because I know he loves me and that it hurts him to see me upset as well. Folks, if I really thought you cared, of if I really thought it mattered, I would give you much more than that, and make you think how I’m just the sweetest, most romantic, or creepy depending on which perspective you take, kind of guy.. but it would all be things I’ve been trying to express for almost the last 4 years and if it hasn’t sunk in or had an effect by now, I can only hope that my efforts so far can one day be looked upon as what they are and impress someone.
So in case you weren’t following, let me surmise. I love Stephen, I am in love with Stephen. I know that we can’t be “together” because for some reason, we have a strong love, but we seem to destroy each other.. but please know.. just to hear him say he loved me again and mean it that way, I’d sit and be destroyed for eternity.. you tell me if that’s sweet or just masochistic. He’d say stupid probably. Ha. There are things I want to express to you and him, but can’t find the words.. and when I do, they’re nice. But I am content with his best friendship, and he with mine.. that’s the way it is.. to surmise =P.
She talked for a good while. Her world is denser than mine, her world a little heavier to carry, and I hope that with our conversation she feels that I am here if she needs someone to help her carry it. I think I want a lot of people to feel that way, which is where some of my emotion comes from.. but eh. She’s very important to me. Extremely important. Don’t fuck with her, I’ll fucking kill you. Done.
But she said something about someone very important in her life that upset her.. that reminded me of my grandmother. I was already emotionally crippled at this point, and when I thought of my grandmother.. due to the face that I had not accepted her death thought about her face.. thought about how me, my cousin Stephen, and his sister Crystal sat around playing Phase 10 (which is a card game of epix proportions) and Stephen was eating these dollar store “Cheese Puffs” they were like Cheetos Puffs, but in balls not in those long awkward C shapes.. anyway.. Stephen called them Cheesy Poofs.. and he kept asking her “Maw-Maw.. do you like Cheesy Poofs?” and she kept ignoring him.. and he kept asking.. and eventually she cracked and just started laughing.. and laughing.. she laughed so hard and for so long I swear we thought she was going to die.. and in that instant of replaying that story in my head.. it hit me that she did die.. and it was confusing because I tried to convince myself that she died then, in that memory.. but she didn’t.. I don’t have a memory of when she died, because I ignored it.. I shut it out.. and then I listened to my friend talk.. and all the while I wanted to explode.. because all I could think about was how I never got to tell my grandmother goodbye.. and I remember going to Mississippi later and wanting to go to her house and love up on her.. and I never accepted that I couldn’t do that anymore.. and in that moment, in that terrible moment, four years of tricking myself ended. Gone. Maw-Maw Mary Madee is gone. And I lost my shit. It was bad, but good at the same time. We talked about how she’ll live on forever in my memories, and within myself.. all that good stuff. So it was ok.
Ironically, side note.. I’m sure he remembers.. when my grandmother died, it was before Stephen left, and I went to his house. Figures. =P Told you. Told you Taylor, everything.
The Sean part of the conversation almost isn’t worth mentioning. So I won’t. Just know he’s a grand manipulator, he’s good at what he does, and enjoys it. He cheated, I figured it out.. I’ve foolishly sent him emails telling him things like “Happy Birthday” and whatever, don’t ask, because I’m not sure what I was trying to accomplish.
But, whether it’s your best friend, your grandmother who died before long before you knew it, your mom, your dad, your lover, or even your dog. Make sure even if it sets them back, even if they look at you dumbfounded and show you nothing but apathy, tell him everything you feel, always. Because even if they look at you filled with apathy you know you gave them something “better than silence” to quote a very good song. If you tell them you love them, if you can manage to choke out words that somehow come close to expressing what you feel, when you know that they can’t be explained, you’ve got a chance to change the world. When you can feel that inexplicable love, for family, for lovers, and for friends, when you fear everyday that you’ll lose them and make a valiant effort to tell them they’re the most important things in your life, it’ll be ok when they’re gone.
Because if you manage to miss one second, and you can, it’s not hard.. they’ll disappear.. and no one will blame you for it. Because you’re busy, or you’re distracted.. and no one, no one will blame you for missing that second, and tell you that you can make it up by visiting the grave, and praying.. but when you think about it, that one second meant the world between both of you, and when it comes to me at least, and my grandmother for instance, I will blame myself for the rest of my life, when I think about her, and how I missed that one second and didn’t even get to tell her goodbye.
I know I’ve said this a lot lately, but don’t take anything for granted. Don’t let being in love with your best friend ruin that friendship, take it for what it is, and it’ll last and be wonderful. Keep in mind, that anything is possible, and flow your heart, hope, and creativity through that possibility. Whether it be your mom, and you know you’ll see her tomorrow, or if it’s Stacy from high school and even though you’re going to different colleges, you’ll see each other in the summer.. or even when you fall asleep with then sun, please always try to remember that that sun may never rise again.
Nothing.
For .
Granted.
I think I’m done ladies and gentlemen. I’m not sure what else I can really say, my wrists hurt, my brain hurts. And I might want to go back to sleep. I hope I’ve shown you a piece of me you were unfamiliar with, and if not, good for you.. you might know me a little better than most. Just remember what I said, that’s all I ask.
Peace.