(no subject)
I need to surround myself with people who love me.
The only person I soend any real time with is Ryan.
I do miss Athena but I only miss her when she's my friend. I don't miss her as a person who could care less about me. I miss her as someone who wants me in her life. Someone who thought of me as a good friend. I now know that that is no longer the case. She has outgrown me. I'm not good enough to be her friend anymore. Not cheery enough, independent enough or normal enough to be her friend. Not very easy on the eyes, either. Which I'm very sure is a factor of her disinterest.
I know there are people who love me. Or at least have grown used to me enough to not be completely bothered by my everday depression and ramblings.
I need to get my life in order and accept myself for who I am.
I have a job now. Hopefully, I can keep it and save up enough to get back out of debt, to get a vehicle, to get a license, to get some sort of decent wardrobe. I really need to start taking care of myself. No more not taking a shower for literally weeks simply because I don't care. Simply because neither does anybody else. Simply because I have nobody to be clean for. Nobody to be in shape for. Nobody to dress up for.
I have neglected myself for as long as I can remember. The four and a half months that I dated Athena were the cleanest months of my life since I started bathing myself. Whyause I cared. Because I had someone to impress. Someone to care if I was clean or not.
You may find this disgusting. Well, guess what. So do I. You think I like being someone who doesn't shower often? Someone who only brushes his teeth because he's going to be around people? Someone who, if he wasn't going to meet any friends for about two months... guess how long it would be before he next took a shower, next brushed his teeth, next bothered to even fix his hair.
I am a gross person. Other people have a strong sense of hygeine. They take pride in their appearance. In their smell.
I just never cared. Because I can't care about myself. Not unless other people do.
A lot of people will probably think less of me after reading this, but I don't care anymore. If they read the truth and decide I'm not worth their time anymore, like Athena has decided, then I was right all along. At least I'll know where I stand.
I am a gross, smelly, unkempt, not-too-bright, untalented, penniless, futureless, ambitionless, oversensitive, overweight, perverted, opinionated, illegitimate, unwanted, rejected, accident-prone, scarred, physically and emotionally, self-hating, self-hurting, clingy, hurtful, sometimes mean, sometimes insensitive, lazy, out-of-shape, injured, unloveable boy.
I have bad qualities, too.
That's my attempt at humor. Ha-ha.
Take me as I am. Or don't take me at all. I can change, but it will take time. And I hope that I will soon. Because I need people. I need love. I need to be touched, to be wanted.
And nobody would want me as I am.
Hey, if worse comes to worse, and everybody ends up hating me, I can always just rent a boat, sail out into the middle of the Pacific, and starve to death. Or I could end it quick by tying anchors to my feet and jumping overboard. Walk the plank, if you will. Take a trip to Davey Jones' locker. Kick the bucket at 20,000 leagues under the sea. I could provide a few more expressions for dying, but who's gonna actually read this far into my entry, anyway? Most people probably got sick a few paragraphs back and left the computer to go throw up. Well, good luck to the rest of you. Hopefully some of you will still want to know me after reading this. If not, then I was right. About everything.
Rejection and depression are my constant companions, and they're sick of me. Soon, death will take their place and the cycle will end.
The only person I soend any real time with is Ryan.
I do miss Athena but I only miss her when she's my friend. I don't miss her as a person who could care less about me. I miss her as someone who wants me in her life. Someone who thought of me as a good friend. I now know that that is no longer the case. She has outgrown me. I'm not good enough to be her friend anymore. Not cheery enough, independent enough or normal enough to be her friend. Not very easy on the eyes, either. Which I'm very sure is a factor of her disinterest.
I know there are people who love me. Or at least have grown used to me enough to not be completely bothered by my everday depression and ramblings.
I need to get my life in order and accept myself for who I am.
I have a job now. Hopefully, I can keep it and save up enough to get back out of debt, to get a vehicle, to get a license, to get some sort of decent wardrobe. I really need to start taking care of myself. No more not taking a shower for literally weeks simply because I don't care. Simply because neither does anybody else. Simply because I have nobody to be clean for. Nobody to be in shape for. Nobody to dress up for.
I have neglected myself for as long as I can remember. The four and a half months that I dated Athena were the cleanest months of my life since I started bathing myself. Whyause I cared. Because I had someone to impress. Someone to care if I was clean or not.
You may find this disgusting. Well, guess what. So do I. You think I like being someone who doesn't shower often? Someone who only brushes his teeth because he's going to be around people? Someone who, if he wasn't going to meet any friends for about two months... guess how long it would be before he next took a shower, next brushed his teeth, next bothered to even fix his hair.
I am a gross person. Other people have a strong sense of hygeine. They take pride in their appearance. In their smell.
I just never cared. Because I can't care about myself. Not unless other people do.
A lot of people will probably think less of me after reading this, but I don't care anymore. If they read the truth and decide I'm not worth their time anymore, like Athena has decided, then I was right all along. At least I'll know where I stand.
I am a gross, smelly, unkempt, not-too-bright, untalented, penniless, futureless, ambitionless, oversensitive, overweight, perverted, opinionated, illegitimate, unwanted, rejected, accident-prone, scarred, physically and emotionally, self-hating, self-hurting, clingy, hurtful, sometimes mean, sometimes insensitive, lazy, out-of-shape, injured, unloveable boy.
I have bad qualities, too.
That's my attempt at humor. Ha-ha.
Take me as I am. Or don't take me at all. I can change, but it will take time. And I hope that I will soon. Because I need people. I need love. I need to be touched, to be wanted.
And nobody would want me as I am.
Hey, if worse comes to worse, and everybody ends up hating me, I can always just rent a boat, sail out into the middle of the Pacific, and starve to death. Or I could end it quick by tying anchors to my feet and jumping overboard. Walk the plank, if you will. Take a trip to Davey Jones' locker. Kick the bucket at 20,000 leagues under the sea. I could provide a few more expressions for dying, but who's gonna actually read this far into my entry, anyway? Most people probably got sick a few paragraphs back and left the computer to go throw up. Well, good luck to the rest of you. Hopefully some of you will still want to know me after reading this. If not, then I was right. About everything.
Rejection and depression are my constant companions, and they're sick of me. Soon, death will take their place and the cycle will end.