My God I can't believe it. Drugs are really bad for you.
Sitting here in my den watching Dirty Dancing for the millionth time, bored shitless, wondering how the hell I'm getting over this one. All I want to do is put the barrel of a gun to my head but goddamnit, I don't have a freakinn gun!!!!!
Livejournal popped into mind, I thought, wonder if it is still up, will my login still work? Do I remember my password? Answers to all of the above is yes.
But I'll sound like a dribbling, complaining idiot. Who cares? Only one person that I physically know actually knows of this account so nobody will read it anyway. So let's put it all out there and re-read it and see if we can't figure out what's going on.
Mark's left again, this time for good. I know I've said that before but this time is different.... yeah, right, you may think but there's things different this time. This time I have the proof I didn't have, last times I could only prove my points with circumstantial evidence. This time I made him tell me exactly what his deal was, I threw it in his face and made him look at it. Mark was not as smart as I thought he was.
He's knifed my chest, he didn't slice and dice, he didn't hack my heart out, he sliced my chest, ran his hand up from under my rib cage, grabbed a handful of heart and snatched, ripping arteries and veins leaving a bloody mess that can't be put back together. A bloody mess, melodramatic you say? Tone down the drama Gregg, you say? Let me proceed.
Me and Mark got back together during the holidays, I told him at that time we had to make it work this time, this is our last chance. I never told him why but after 3 attempts ending in him becoming complacent and leaving the relationship without actually saying he's doing it, this is becoming a habit for him, an M.O. (Modis Operandi). Only this time, the years of increasing his marijuana intake as well as all his illicit drug intake exponentially growing has baked his noodle. He knows I work at a factory doing tech support on audio/video transmission and recording equipment, he knew I brought home cameras and new products to play with and learn since I had to support them for the rest of the world. He cautioned everyone we knew not to forget what I did for a living... something's always being recorded. Well... he didn't keep that in mind.
As usual, I paid all the bills and he found reasons he couldn't find a job. Now I know he was looking something specific, something that would put him off when I was working and him working when I was off.... so our paths would rarely cross. He found it. He obtained a third shift job at Wal-Mart and it was his dream come true. But he got overconfident, he started bringing his tricks into my home. The home I provided for him to live, didn't know I was providing him with a sexual den of iniquity. Hell, his own sister told me I was a fool the last time I took him back. I thought he loved me, little did I know he told me what he wanted me to hear to keep from killing the goose that laid the golden eggs. I took him at his word. I trusted him, he told me he wouldn't do anything to endanger what we had or anything to hurt me, like a fool I believed him. I loved him, it was not hard to drop the guard and put trust in someone you love.
I am partially deaf, that along with the fact that he mumbles in some Duplin County back woods dialect means 3/4 of what he said went unanswered and unacknowledged. Reviewing past recordings of me and him revealed conversations I missed. One good thing about meth is that it's like it's distant relative LSD, they are both uninhibitors, someone with secrets need to stay away from those two drugs. Once while recording, I pointed out someone on a site and told Mark I thought that was probably the most beautiful man I ever saw. What came next I could believe was recorded and I know how I missed it during the recording, I didn't hear it until I turned up the volume on my computer speakers. His best friend Eric shaves his body, otherwise Eric is borderline BEAR. Thin bear but still hairy as hell. Mark told me that if he ever caught Eric unshaven and he had one of those date rape drugs, he would rape Eric. Now that may sound like an exageration but let me explain a few things, this would not be the first time Mark has had sex with his friends, even though he swore to me he would never endanger a friendship with sex. Lie.
Mark and I were friends first, then sex, then relationship, he found out I had a good job and the actor hit the stage.
Steve's another one of Mark's friend who later admitted everything TRYING to break up me and Mark. It succeeded then.
Mark had told me he would never have sex with someone in a relationship and then up comes Randy. Later Mark tells me that him, Randy and Randy's partner had a threesome.
The ending blow, was the drug dealer. On video, doing drugs with Mark and having sex on the couch IN MY HOME!
But he kept his cover for 12 yrs you say... how could you be so blind. Up until this time, all evidence has been circumstantial, cigarette butts in ashtrays beside the bed (not my brand on my side of the bed) kind of shit. Back in July Mark changed, he quit talking, quit taking care of the yard, quit taking his walk in the woods. I knew somehting was up, begged him to tell me what was going on... conversation didn't end on my side but it takes two to make a relationship work. So since he wouldn't tell me, the Leo in me had to know. I set up cameras (for which he called me a pervert). Every accusation I made, he tried to turn around on me, until I showed the evidence or told him exact replays action by bloody action including times and what was done. Afterwards he still tried to put the blame on me, didn't work.
Now, I refuse to love anybody, I will never trust another soul. I am 48 yrs old now, almost completely gray and he's had the best years of my middle aged life. Since I came out late, he has the best years of my whole life. Now nobody wants me... gay guys look at looks first, then delve on the inside, if you can't get past the looks, nobody will see the inside because they refuse the conversation. Their loss, and mine.
I used to think I was intellegent. I used to think I was intuitive, now I know I've been a blind fool who allowed everyone in a relationship with me to stomp all over me and it was I that made myself look like a fool, not them, they didn't have to do any of it, I allowed it all to happen to myself. Sharks eat the weak and the wolf living in my house had an eagle for breakfast lunch and dinner like Prometheus chained to the rock and an eagle ate his liver everyday and at night the liver grew back only to feast the eagle again the next day. Well this time it was the eagle getting eaten and the wolf was doing the consuming.
Now I'm consumed. I feel old, I look older than I am. My health is failing and I don't give a damn to do anything about it.
I'm no fool, I know what I am and how I come off to people. I have accounts on adam4adam, manhunt and barebackrt.com. i also have Mark's passwords to his accounts, even his new ones... he's not too bright, I have less than half a page of emails (not even responses to my emails, just emails) on each site to his 3 and 4 pages of email responses and invitations. He's 35, he's slim, and other than looking like he's from west by gawd virginia coal mining towns, relatively decent looking. Just like other lying faggots on the site, he says "friends only" but throws up underwear pics which he used to chastise others about.
Can I take him back now? Knowing how I was used? Knowing what he will do next? Knowing this is all a habit to him? After he's admitted to having no conscience (he has one, just does 180 turns from what it tells him to do) and after he's admitted it's always been just about him, hell no he's not coming back.
Here's my dilemma. I don't want another man in my life. I don't even want to be around people. I am home and alone. I have my dog and our bird and our one and only fish. I have a diseased heart, I cannot even mow the freakin yard. I have a sailboat I finally got but now I have no help to launch it or retrieve it or rig it. Not that Mark was that much help in sailing, he did only what he absolutely had to but in a pinch he would roll up his sleeves in order to get home back to his life and his hookups sooner.
So now I go to work, stop at the conv store for cigs and gas. I go to Walmart and get the food and supplies I need (one stop shopping) and fuck the world. I'm growing old into a pissy ass lonely asshole and no longer give a shit. I am not going back to the way things were.
Well, no answers here. No one will read this and that's completely alright, I just put this in alphabetic characters online so when I get missing him and wanting to cry, I can access this, re-read it and harden my heart against the user and say to hell with him all over again.
O yeah, can't get the key back from him so I changed the locks, before i did, he found copies of the videos and erased them.... he's still a fucking idiot!!!! I'm a network administrator on 3 national servers! BACKUPS!!!!!! That's my life!!!!! It's all about BACKUPS!!!!!! He knows better, I taught him everything he forgot.
So I concede, drugs are bad for you... just say no to brain damage.
Livejournal popped into mind, I thought, wonder if it is still up, will my login still work? Do I remember my password? Answers to all of the above is yes.
But I'll sound like a dribbling, complaining idiot. Who cares? Only one person that I physically know actually knows of this account so nobody will read it anyway. So let's put it all out there and re-read it and see if we can't figure out what's going on.
Mark's left again, this time for good. I know I've said that before but this time is different.... yeah, right, you may think but there's things different this time. This time I have the proof I didn't have, last times I could only prove my points with circumstantial evidence. This time I made him tell me exactly what his deal was, I threw it in his face and made him look at it. Mark was not as smart as I thought he was.
He's knifed my chest, he didn't slice and dice, he didn't hack my heart out, he sliced my chest, ran his hand up from under my rib cage, grabbed a handful of heart and snatched, ripping arteries and veins leaving a bloody mess that can't be put back together. A bloody mess, melodramatic you say? Tone down the drama Gregg, you say? Let me proceed.
Me and Mark got back together during the holidays, I told him at that time we had to make it work this time, this is our last chance. I never told him why but after 3 attempts ending in him becoming complacent and leaving the relationship without actually saying he's doing it, this is becoming a habit for him, an M.O. (Modis Operandi). Only this time, the years of increasing his marijuana intake as well as all his illicit drug intake exponentially growing has baked his noodle. He knows I work at a factory doing tech support on audio/video transmission and recording equipment, he knew I brought home cameras and new products to play with and learn since I had to support them for the rest of the world. He cautioned everyone we knew not to forget what I did for a living... something's always being recorded. Well... he didn't keep that in mind.
As usual, I paid all the bills and he found reasons he couldn't find a job. Now I know he was looking something specific, something that would put him off when I was working and him working when I was off.... so our paths would rarely cross. He found it. He obtained a third shift job at Wal-Mart and it was his dream come true. But he got overconfident, he started bringing his tricks into my home. The home I provided for him to live, didn't know I was providing him with a sexual den of iniquity. Hell, his own sister told me I was a fool the last time I took him back. I thought he loved me, little did I know he told me what he wanted me to hear to keep from killing the goose that laid the golden eggs. I took him at his word. I trusted him, he told me he wouldn't do anything to endanger what we had or anything to hurt me, like a fool I believed him. I loved him, it was not hard to drop the guard and put trust in someone you love.
I am partially deaf, that along with the fact that he mumbles in some Duplin County back woods dialect means 3/4 of what he said went unanswered and unacknowledged. Reviewing past recordings of me and him revealed conversations I missed. One good thing about meth is that it's like it's distant relative LSD, they are both uninhibitors, someone with secrets need to stay away from those two drugs. Once while recording, I pointed out someone on a site and told Mark I thought that was probably the most beautiful man I ever saw. What came next I could believe was recorded and I know how I missed it during the recording, I didn't hear it until I turned up the volume on my computer speakers. His best friend Eric shaves his body, otherwise Eric is borderline BEAR. Thin bear but still hairy as hell. Mark told me that if he ever caught Eric unshaven and he had one of those date rape drugs, he would rape Eric. Now that may sound like an exageration but let me explain a few things, this would not be the first time Mark has had sex with his friends, even though he swore to me he would never endanger a friendship with sex. Lie.
Mark and I were friends first, then sex, then relationship, he found out I had a good job and the actor hit the stage.
Steve's another one of Mark's friend who later admitted everything TRYING to break up me and Mark. It succeeded then.
Mark had told me he would never have sex with someone in a relationship and then up comes Randy. Later Mark tells me that him, Randy and Randy's partner had a threesome.
The ending blow, was the drug dealer. On video, doing drugs with Mark and having sex on the couch IN MY HOME!
But he kept his cover for 12 yrs you say... how could you be so blind. Up until this time, all evidence has been circumstantial, cigarette butts in ashtrays beside the bed (not my brand on my side of the bed) kind of shit. Back in July Mark changed, he quit talking, quit taking care of the yard, quit taking his walk in the woods. I knew somehting was up, begged him to tell me what was going on... conversation didn't end on my side but it takes two to make a relationship work. So since he wouldn't tell me, the Leo in me had to know. I set up cameras (for which he called me a pervert). Every accusation I made, he tried to turn around on me, until I showed the evidence or told him exact replays action by bloody action including times and what was done. Afterwards he still tried to put the blame on me, didn't work.
Now, I refuse to love anybody, I will never trust another soul. I am 48 yrs old now, almost completely gray and he's had the best years of my middle aged life. Since I came out late, he has the best years of my whole life. Now nobody wants me... gay guys look at looks first, then delve on the inside, if you can't get past the looks, nobody will see the inside because they refuse the conversation. Their loss, and mine.
I used to think I was intellegent. I used to think I was intuitive, now I know I've been a blind fool who allowed everyone in a relationship with me to stomp all over me and it was I that made myself look like a fool, not them, they didn't have to do any of it, I allowed it all to happen to myself. Sharks eat the weak and the wolf living in my house had an eagle for breakfast lunch and dinner like Prometheus chained to the rock and an eagle ate his liver everyday and at night the liver grew back only to feast the eagle again the next day. Well this time it was the eagle getting eaten and the wolf was doing the consuming.
Now I'm consumed. I feel old, I look older than I am. My health is failing and I don't give a damn to do anything about it.
I'm no fool, I know what I am and how I come off to people. I have accounts on adam4adam, manhunt and barebackrt.com. i also have Mark's passwords to his accounts, even his new ones... he's not too bright, I have less than half a page of emails (not even responses to my emails, just emails) on each site to his 3 and 4 pages of email responses and invitations. He's 35, he's slim, and other than looking like he's from west by gawd virginia coal mining towns, relatively decent looking. Just like other lying faggots on the site, he says "friends only" but throws up underwear pics which he used to chastise others about.
Can I take him back now? Knowing how I was used? Knowing what he will do next? Knowing this is all a habit to him? After he's admitted to having no conscience (he has one, just does 180 turns from what it tells him to do) and after he's admitted it's always been just about him, hell no he's not coming back.
Here's my dilemma. I don't want another man in my life. I don't even want to be around people. I am home and alone. I have my dog and our bird and our one and only fish. I have a diseased heart, I cannot even mow the freakin yard. I have a sailboat I finally got but now I have no help to launch it or retrieve it or rig it. Not that Mark was that much help in sailing, he did only what he absolutely had to but in a pinch he would roll up his sleeves in order to get home back to his life and his hookups sooner.
So now I go to work, stop at the conv store for cigs and gas. I go to Walmart and get the food and supplies I need (one stop shopping) and fuck the world. I'm growing old into a pissy ass lonely asshole and no longer give a shit. I am not going back to the way things were.
Well, no answers here. No one will read this and that's completely alright, I just put this in alphabetic characters online so when I get missing him and wanting to cry, I can access this, re-read it and harden my heart against the user and say to hell with him all over again.
O yeah, can't get the key back from him so I changed the locks, before i did, he found copies of the videos and erased them.... he's still a fucking idiot!!!! I'm a network administrator on 3 national servers! BACKUPS!!!!!! That's my life!!!!! It's all about BACKUPS!!!!!! He knows better, I taught him everything he forgot.
So I concede, drugs are bad for you... just say no to brain damage.