(no subject)
Tod I couldn't help crying. I just couldn't. My grandmother sent me down a small little thing of candy for halloween and wrapped it up in tissue paper and said " I always give them even just a little something," I want to eat every last crumble of thos small little candy bars to show her that everything her and my grandfather have ever done for me is somehow better than everything else. Like somehow their candy doesn't have calories or sugar or fat, and makes everything okay. I took it into my room and started at it for a while, I already know I'm too weak and stupid to even try to eat it. I will keep it. Tightly wrapped up in the drawer in my room until the day that maybe I'll be able to say " I'm going to eat all this candy in one sitting and not feel guilty/fat/ugly/sad/angry/remorseful, but feel good about it. Becuase this is the candy my grandparents gave me to enjoy,"
Problem. Well, two of them actually. One, I may never be able to feel that way becuase I've never felt that way. And two, I may not live that long. I really don't want to anymore. I pray to god at night to just let me die. I really do honeslty and firmly belive everyone would be better off. And so would I. I would like to sleep. I would like to sleep forever, that sounds very inviting to me.
I can't take the thought anymore of my grandfather or grandmother dying, and seeing me like this. A mess. A mixed up, fucked up, screwed up, mess of this little girl they used to love. I don't deserve grandparents like them. I dont' deserve any of this, the good stuff that is.
Maybe tomorrow will be the day I don't wake up. I really hope it is.
Problem. Well, two of them actually. One, I may never be able to feel that way becuase I've never felt that way. And two, I may not live that long. I really don't want to anymore. I pray to god at night to just let me die. I really do honeslty and firmly belive everyone would be better off. And so would I. I would like to sleep. I would like to sleep forever, that sounds very inviting to me.
I can't take the thought anymore of my grandfather or grandmother dying, and seeing me like this. A mess. A mixed up, fucked up, screwed up, mess of this little girl they used to love. I don't deserve grandparents like them. I dont' deserve any of this, the good stuff that is.
Maybe tomorrow will be the day I don't wake up. I really hope it is.