we read together. awesome.
I registered for classes at Bellarmine today. I'll probably never graduate because of the combination of my beliefs that a)I should never over-exert myself with school work/school work should never take up so much of my time that it creates bitterness in me or comes between me and the most important things in my life, and b)I should never be a perpetual student/I should never put my future plans/marriage/travel/family on hold for school. But that's okay. And if a beautiful, undeniable opportunity presented itself, I would not hesitate to quit school altogether...and repay my parents of course, because I do not take their investment lightly.
I made a sacrifice (did something I told myself I'd never do) in order to free up my Fridays, but I think it'll be worth it just to know that I have zero class on Fridays.
Mondays/Wednesdays:
6:00pm-7:15pm (THEO 200...Ultimate Questions)
Tuesdays/Thursdays:
8:00am-9:15am (ENGL 101...Expository Writing)
9:25am-10:40am (HIST 116...The Western World I, 1450-1870)
12:15pm-1:30pm (PSYC 103...Introductory Psychology)
All in one building. All on the same floor. So much better for me. I should just probably pick a major eventually.
Everything at Bellarmine (so far) is so simple. They're nice and they don't complicate things or try to hype everything up like most schools...*cough*UK*cough*...so I hope my experience continues to be positive.
---
This "unseasonal" weather only depresses me because global warming is going to kill us all and burning up really wasn't the death I had in mind. I'm formulating plans to make as many members of my immediate and extended family as possible watch An Inconvenient Truth and have a meeting afterward to suggest at LEAST recycling. I'm pretty sure no one in my extended family recycles. And some of them sure love their SUV's. Bah.
---
I have random thoughts. They've been building up in pieces in my journal.
Ah! The Refining Fire! I just listened to Dr. Mueller become an integral part of my future. I had a completely-meant-to-be (as there are zero coincidences) conversation with my chiropractor, who "just happened" to ask me about school and "just happened" to have just gotten his masters in Spirituality under the Theology major at Bellarmine. And he rambled and I loved it. An education on the major before having to choose it. I want a diverse faith, not a blind one. How can people believe something so contentedly without searching out any deeper information or any history on the belief? They sit and listen to only the words spouted by their own preacher and think it's all they need to know. I've been guilty of all of this. God wants us to want to know so much more! And I want to follow Jesus with an understanding of what He REALLY said to us, not what man has translated it into time and time again. I want to be in touch with something beyond religion. Religion is shackles. Religion is a crutch. Religion domesticates. Spirituality and God and Christ and wisdom FREE and do not wish to tame.
So. Should I brave the bollocks of some strict, close-minded professors who base their teachings in Catholocism in order to educate myself on history and other thinkers? Or would most of the learning I really want to do have to be pursued on my own time, leaving school once again pointless? Prayers for this.
---
Chad called me yesterday and drilled me about what I've been doing with my time...since I'm not in school and I'm not working so what in the WORLD could I possibly be doing I must be so bored and useless! Hah. But the sad thing is that he made me feel guilty for NOT keeping "busy" and not being "of the world". I was embarrassed. God forgive me for that. I feel better about myself now than I ever have. At UK, "focusing" on school, I was so disconnected from myself and so "full" of everything that makes me feel empty. That must be how this whole country feels, and they think it's normal. That makes me weep.
I spend days alone with the Bible and books and journals and I read and write and listen to uplifting music and, much to the dismay of some people, I just sit and think. And I'm forming who I am who I will be RIGHT NOW.
I was forming who I am who I will be at UK and so thank God I got out. So I spend my days introspectively, intensely with GOD, and I spend my nights with friends and family and love and GOD and I do not regret it. I feel like I'm in the story of Jesus and his disciples at dinner with Mary and Martha.
(LUKE 10:38-42)
"38As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. 40But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
I recognize that there is also a time for work, and I will openly accept whatever is required of me in order to balance out the load so that we can all have enough time to just sit. But there are some who believe that any time spent thoughtfully and not busily is time waste. No! That's why there's not enough love. I wish everyone would join me.
---
(On our way to Harlan County...)
I woke up this morning, rolled out of bed, pulled on yesterday's jeans, a tank top with a built-in "bra", a hoodie, and my shoes (yesterday's socks still on my feet). I washed my face, brushed my teeth, didn't shower, didn't touch my hair. I hardly even thought about a routine. SO freeing from what my OCD routine used to be. Ah! I'm the same person and I didn't spend an hour getting ready!:)
---
At this packed gas station this morning, everyone has one thing on their minds: themselves. Anger over a parking spot missed or a wave not received. Inside, fat stuffs fat with fat of overpriced donuts. Bustle. For no reason. And I'm a part of it. Just because the entire car is stuffed with clothing and we're headed to give it all away doesn't separate me from living in America and depending on everything I'm against. What kind of person does that make me? But there are 20oz. of coffee in my dad's cupholder next to me. TWENTY OUNCES. Who needs that? GREED. Oh, my God, separate me from that. I want to eat from dumpsters.
---
---
Why ARE "shirt and shoes required"? People with a shirt and some shoes surely aren't any better than those without, but we've been conditioned to think otherwise. What/who does that rule keep out? The people who most need to get inside.
---
"Any size coffee and jumbo muffin, just $2.22!"
GROSS! Who made a muffin so big that it is called "JUMBO" and why would you want to eat it? Meanwhile, right next to me, a perfect American view that if one starts a family and uses even one car seat, one MUST "invest" in an SUV. How else would there be enough room, of course? Enough room for all the STUFF, of course. Believe it or not, people lived before SUV's when most people had 5 or 6 kids. I just want to WALK. Only something like 1 in 10 of the people who can drive in Norway have a car. They have decent public transportation.
SAD.
I don't WANT to be bitter. I just notice these things they scream out at me. I want to have hope.
"There was hope for Job like a cut-down tree. I hope that there's such hope for me."
---
(After watching Hotel Rwanda again...)
There are so many babies and children in desperate need, parentless and starving, that having children of my own womb almost seems shameful. How dare I bring new life into this corrupt society when there are children already in the world who need mothers, fathers? But then I imagine adoption. I imagine feeling just so "good", like such a "decend human being" for "saving" a few and giving them the disgusting "opportunity" to forget any suffering that matters with the "American Dream". I want to adopt every one, but then I wonder: how dare I remove them from their culture? Does this mean I should create my family in Africa or wherever God may lead me and remain there? I'll still have family in the states, and they'll always matter. I suppose I have a few years to figure this out, unfortunately.
I know that the minute God gives me the opportunity and the companion to GO & BE & SERVE, I'm going.
---
At this point, I'd much rather marry and travel to the places I cry about and have babies and not TEACH them servitude but have it engrained in their minds from birth in the place usually occupied by materialism and greed. I'd much rather do that than spend more years at school when my body is most useful to serve. But I suppose I cannot marry and travel with my husband alone...hah...so what is there to do but learn and wait? I'm ready for that.
---
(Dear Katie...)
Katie. I have to describe Wednesday night, because it was beautiful.
Or maybe I can't describe it right this minute, because mewithoutYou in my ears is distracting me, but I can say that (other than you because you're always a given) no one has ever understood me and even thought the same things as me like this. I've never NOT had to tweak little things I do or say in order to keep up my half of the relationship. I'm just ME for the first time. And I pray that he always keeps with the track of love, has no expectations, and is unconditional, because that's how I will strive to be. That's how I WILL be. Because I respect him so much that I'm honored to be his partner.
---
Christmastime.
I made a sacrifice (did something I told myself I'd never do) in order to free up my Fridays, but I think it'll be worth it just to know that I have zero class on Fridays.
Mondays/Wednesdays:
6:00pm-7:15pm (THEO 200...Ultimate Questions)
Tuesdays/Thursdays:
8:00am-9:15am (ENGL 101...Expository Writing)
9:25am-10:40am (HIST 116...The Western World I, 1450-1870)
12:15pm-1:30pm (PSYC 103...Introductory Psychology)
All in one building. All on the same floor. So much better for me. I should just probably pick a major eventually.
Everything at Bellarmine (so far) is so simple. They're nice and they don't complicate things or try to hype everything up like most schools...*cough*UK*cough*...so I hope my experience continues to be positive.
---
This "unseasonal" weather only depresses me because global warming is going to kill us all and burning up really wasn't the death I had in mind. I'm formulating plans to make as many members of my immediate and extended family as possible watch An Inconvenient Truth and have a meeting afterward to suggest at LEAST recycling. I'm pretty sure no one in my extended family recycles. And some of them sure love their SUV's. Bah.
---
I have random thoughts. They've been building up in pieces in my journal.
Ah! The Refining Fire! I just listened to Dr. Mueller become an integral part of my future. I had a completely-meant-to-be (as there are zero coincidences) conversation with my chiropractor, who "just happened" to ask me about school and "just happened" to have just gotten his masters in Spirituality under the Theology major at Bellarmine. And he rambled and I loved it. An education on the major before having to choose it. I want a diverse faith, not a blind one. How can people believe something so contentedly without searching out any deeper information or any history on the belief? They sit and listen to only the words spouted by their own preacher and think it's all they need to know. I've been guilty of all of this. God wants us to want to know so much more! And I want to follow Jesus with an understanding of what He REALLY said to us, not what man has translated it into time and time again. I want to be in touch with something beyond religion. Religion is shackles. Religion is a crutch. Religion domesticates. Spirituality and God and Christ and wisdom FREE and do not wish to tame.
So. Should I brave the bollocks of some strict, close-minded professors who base their teachings in Catholocism in order to educate myself on history and other thinkers? Or would most of the learning I really want to do have to be pursued on my own time, leaving school once again pointless? Prayers for this.
---
Chad called me yesterday and drilled me about what I've been doing with my time...since I'm not in school and I'm not working so what in the WORLD could I possibly be doing I must be so bored and useless! Hah. But the sad thing is that he made me feel guilty for NOT keeping "busy" and not being "of the world". I was embarrassed. God forgive me for that. I feel better about myself now than I ever have. At UK, "focusing" on school, I was so disconnected from myself and so "full" of everything that makes me feel empty. That must be how this whole country feels, and they think it's normal. That makes me weep.
I spend days alone with the Bible and books and journals and I read and write and listen to uplifting music and, much to the dismay of some people, I just sit and think. And I'm forming who I am who I will be RIGHT NOW.
I was forming who I am who I will be at UK and so thank God I got out. So I spend my days introspectively, intensely with GOD, and I spend my nights with friends and family and love and GOD and I do not regret it. I feel like I'm in the story of Jesus and his disciples at dinner with Mary and Martha.
(LUKE 10:38-42)
"38As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. 40But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
41"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, 42but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
I recognize that there is also a time for work, and I will openly accept whatever is required of me in order to balance out the load so that we can all have enough time to just sit. But there are some who believe that any time spent thoughtfully and not busily is time waste. No! That's why there's not enough love. I wish everyone would join me.
---
(On our way to Harlan County...)
I woke up this morning, rolled out of bed, pulled on yesterday's jeans, a tank top with a built-in "bra", a hoodie, and my shoes (yesterday's socks still on my feet). I washed my face, brushed my teeth, didn't shower, didn't touch my hair. I hardly even thought about a routine. SO freeing from what my OCD routine used to be. Ah! I'm the same person and I didn't spend an hour getting ready!:)
---
At this packed gas station this morning, everyone has one thing on their minds: themselves. Anger over a parking spot missed or a wave not received. Inside, fat stuffs fat with fat of overpriced donuts. Bustle. For no reason. And I'm a part of it. Just because the entire car is stuffed with clothing and we're headed to give it all away doesn't separate me from living in America and depending on everything I'm against. What kind of person does that make me? But there are 20oz. of coffee in my dad's cupholder next to me. TWENTY OUNCES. Who needs that? GREED. Oh, my God, separate me from that. I want to eat from dumpsters.
---
---
Why ARE "shirt and shoes required"? People with a shirt and some shoes surely aren't any better than those without, but we've been conditioned to think otherwise. What/who does that rule keep out? The people who most need to get inside.
---
"Any size coffee and jumbo muffin, just $2.22!"
GROSS! Who made a muffin so big that it is called "JUMBO" and why would you want to eat it? Meanwhile, right next to me, a perfect American view that if one starts a family and uses even one car seat, one MUST "invest" in an SUV. How else would there be enough room, of course? Enough room for all the STUFF, of course. Believe it or not, people lived before SUV's when most people had 5 or 6 kids. I just want to WALK. Only something like 1 in 10 of the people who can drive in Norway have a car. They have decent public transportation.
SAD.
I don't WANT to be bitter. I just notice these things they scream out at me. I want to have hope.
"There was hope for Job like a cut-down tree. I hope that there's such hope for me."
---
(After watching Hotel Rwanda again...)
There are so many babies and children in desperate need, parentless and starving, that having children of my own womb almost seems shameful. How dare I bring new life into this corrupt society when there are children already in the world who need mothers, fathers? But then I imagine adoption. I imagine feeling just so "good", like such a "decend human being" for "saving" a few and giving them the disgusting "opportunity" to forget any suffering that matters with the "American Dream". I want to adopt every one, but then I wonder: how dare I remove them from their culture? Does this mean I should create my family in Africa or wherever God may lead me and remain there? I'll still have family in the states, and they'll always matter. I suppose I have a few years to figure this out, unfortunately.
I know that the minute God gives me the opportunity and the companion to GO & BE & SERVE, I'm going.
---
At this point, I'd much rather marry and travel to the places I cry about and have babies and not TEACH them servitude but have it engrained in their minds from birth in the place usually occupied by materialism and greed. I'd much rather do that than spend more years at school when my body is most useful to serve. But I suppose I cannot marry and travel with my husband alone...hah...so what is there to do but learn and wait? I'm ready for that.
---
(Dear Katie...)
Katie. I have to describe Wednesday night, because it was beautiful.
Or maybe I can't describe it right this minute, because mewithoutYou in my ears is distracting me, but I can say that (other than you because you're always a given) no one has ever understood me and even thought the same things as me like this. I've never NOT had to tweak little things I do or say in order to keep up my half of the relationship. I'm just ME for the first time. And I pray that he always keeps with the track of love, has no expectations, and is unconditional, because that's how I will strive to be. That's how I WILL be. Because I respect him so much that I'm honored to be his partner.
---
Christmastime.